Denial and/or minimisation?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I recently posted some of my story, starting from the rather ugly ending. But now I'd like to back it up a bit as I am still confused about what happened in this 'relationship.'

Last year, I dated a woman for a little over two months. We knew each other socially through a sports club and had spent some time together as friends in the months before we started dating.

When we started dating, we had a discussion about whether it was a good idea to get involved since we both enjoyed going to the club for relaxing and socialising and didn't want things to get awkward if things between us turned pear-shaped. Taking that into consideration, we became involved.

We weren't able to spend a lot of time together due to our busy work schedules, but we made time when we could and we texted most days. To me, it felt like the start of a healthy relationship: dinners out, movie nights in, lighthearted text messages, and the progressive sharing of more personal information. We had discussions about telling our mutual friends about us (the discussion was initiated by her) and we agreed to tell a few close friends, but to hold off on telling everyone since it was still early days.

Only, after two months things just seemed... .off. She was distant and aloof, and I could tell that something was up, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I met with her to discuss my concerns, and I told her that if she didn't think our relationship was developing, she should let me know. After a bit of hemming and hawing, she said, 'Oh, I just thought this was a casual thing. I didn't do anything to give you the wrong impression, did I?' I told her I thought we had been dating, and she apologised for not being upfront with her intentions.

So, that's when we ended it, but tried to remain friendly since we were still seeing each other regularly at the club and social events. But, after a few weeks, I realised how uncomfortable I felt around her. I never would have agreed to a casual, 'friends with benefits' arrangement. I felt used.

I told her that we should limit our contact with each other. I said I was uncomfortable and that she should have been upfront with her intentions. She then became very angry and said, 'you didn't seriously think we were in a relationship just because we slept together a couple of times?'

I was shocked by her anger and the way she characterised the 'relationship.' I explained that no, I didn't think we were in a committed relationship, but I had thought we were in the early stages of a dating relationship. Based on the conversations we had, the fact that she never said anything about just wanting to be FWB, and the dates we shared, of course I thought we were dating! I told her this and asked why she hadn't just been upfront about wanting something casual. She replied, 'Why does it matter? It was never going to work, so does it really make a difference when I told you?'

There's more to that conversation, but what really gets me is the denial. Instead of just answering me when I asked why she hadn't been upfront about her intentions, she turned it around on me. She made it sound like I was being irrational for thinking we had any sort of relationship when all we were doing was hooking up. A friend said it sounds like she was trying to minimise the entire relationship. I think that's a very apt description. I guess it can be a coping mechanism for some people, but I found it really hurtful.

[Zen0]

I recently posted some of my story, starting from the rather ugly ending. But now I'd like to back it up a bit as I am still confused about what happened in this 'relationship.'

Last year, I dated a woman for a little over two months. We knew each other socially through a sports club and had spent some time together as friends in the months before we started dating.

When we started dating, we had a discussion about whether it was a good idea to get involved since we both enjoyed going to the club for relaxing and socialising and didn't want things to get awkward if things between us turned pear-shaped. Taking that into consideration, we became involved.

We weren't able to spend a lot of time together due to our busy work schedules, but we made time when we could and we texted most days. To me, it felt like the start of a healthy relationship: dinners out, movie nights in, lighthearted text messages, and the progressive sharing of more personal information. We had discussions about telling our mutual friends about us (the discussion was initiated by her) and we agreed to tell a few close friends, but to hold off on telling everyone since it was still early days.

Only, after two months things just seemed... .off. She was distant and aloof, and I could tell that something was up, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I met with her to discuss my concerns, and I told her that if she didn't think our relationship was developing, she should let me know. After a bit of hemming and hawing, she said, 'Oh, I just thought this was a casual thing. I didn't do anything to give you the wrong impression, did I?' I told her I thought we had been dating, and she apologised for not being upfront with her intentions.

So, that's when we ended it, but tried to remain friendly since we were still seeing each other regularly at the club and social events. But, after a few weeks, I realised how uncomfortable I felt around her. I never would have agreed to a casual, 'friends with benefits' arrangement. I felt used.

I told her that we should limit our contact with each other. I said I was uncomfortable and that she should have been upfront with her intentions. She then became very angry and said, 'you didn't seriously think we were in a relationship just because we slept together a couple of times?'

I was shocked by her anger and the way she characterised the 'relationship.' I explained that no, I didn't think we were in a committed relationship, but I had thought we were in the early stages of a dating relationship. Based on the conversations we had, the fact that she never said anything about just wanting to be FWB, and the dates we shared, of course I thought we were dating! I told her this and asked why she hadn't just been upfront about wanting something casual. She replied, 'Why does it matter? It was never going to work, so does it really make a difference when I told you?'

There's more to that conversation, but what really gets me is the denial. Instead of just answering me when I asked why she hadn't been upfront about her intentions, she turned it around on me. She made it sound like I was being irrational for thinking we had any sort of relationship when all we were doing was hooking up. A friend said it sounds like she was trying to minimise the entire relationship. I think that's a very apt description. I guess it can be a coping mechanism for some people, but I found it really hurtful.

[Skip]

There's more to that conversation, but what really gets me is the denial. Instead of just answering me when I asked why she hadn't been upfront about her intentions, she turned it around on me. She made it sound like I was being irrational for thinking we had any sort of relationship when all we were doing was hooking up. A friend said it sounds like she was trying to minimise the entire relationship. I think that's a very apt description. I guess it can be a coping mechanism for some people, but I found it really hurtful.

I suspect that you both started off on the same page, but you evolved more toward an exclusive relationship and she slowly evolved away from that. This happens. After getting bit a few times by this, we typically get more diligent with our partners.

Does this sound right?

OK, so if that is the case, how does what happened seem?

[Zen0]

Hi Skip,

Thanks for your reply.

Does this sound right?

Yes, I think you are onto something there. She told me later in the conversation that she had actually made a decision to 'revert to casual' after a couple of weeks when she realised that she didn't want a relationship with me.

Of course, I understand that this happens all the time in dating. People go out a few times and realise that they're just not compatible. I think if this woman had just told me that she didn't think it was working out, I would have been disappointed, but I would have understood.

What really upset me was the decision to 'revert to casual' without telling me. After the frank conversation we had before we ever started dating, I just expected the honesty to continue. I told her at the beginning that I didn't want to rush things sexually and that I was interested in us getting to know one another. So, I think what really bothers me is her turning it into a casual, FWB situation, but not discussing it with me.

And if I hadn't ended it when I did, I'm not sure when she would have. Without going into detail, it was clear that she intended for our sexual relationship to continue. This is what makes me feel so used. When I asked why she did it, instead of just being honest with me about not wanting to be in a relationship with me, she said, 'well, nobody wants to be alone.'

[Skip]

Without going into detail, it was clear that she intended for our sexual relationship to continue. This is what makes me feel so used.

You are looking for a partner. She is casual dating.

Did you tell her at different points, that you did not want to casual date.

Yes, I'm flipping this on you. Just for the purpose of suggesting what her position might have been.

I'm not agreeing with what happened or minimizing how you feel - I get it. Just trying to help you process this.

[Zen0]

Thanks, Skip. I don't think you are minimizing how I feel, and I appreciate your efforts to help me work this through.

Did you tell her at different points, that you did not want to casual date.

I don't think I ever came right out and said, 'I'm definitely not interested in a casual sexual relationship.'

However, before we became involved, she told me she was apprehensive about us dating because she had previously had a fling with a former member of the club. She was worried because people were teasing her about being a womaniser after that happened, but she said that's not who she is. I assured her that the reason I asked her out to dinner was so that we could get to know each other better, and I wasn't expecting anything sexual to happen.

Later, after nearly two months, I told one of our mutual friends about us. I said we were seeing each other, but it was still early days, so we weren't telling everyone yet. I told this woman about the conversation, and she didn't say anything to correct me. It was pretty clear that I was under the impression that we were still genuinely dating and were potentially going to become a couple, but she didn't say anything to me about her decision to revert to casual.

Writing this, I know it seems like I could have been more direct. But, at the time, we were still getting to know each other. I thought we needed to spend a bit more time together before having the 'where is this relationship going' conversation. It really never occured to me that it was just casual hooking up. So, that's why I was so stunned when she told me that's what it was.

But, even though I can see where my communication could have been stronger, I don't think this is down to miscommunication. There were so many times she could have clarified what was going on. I think she kept quiet so she could continue seeing me.