I've been reading up on validation here on bpdfamily and I have some questions:

[gundam94]

I've been reading up on validation here on bpdfamily and I have some questions:

How do you give someone validation if they are completely wrong? How do you give some validation if you know the other person doesn't truly believe what they said?

I ask because when my BPDex gf left me, she said it was because is was abusive and controlling. She said I was still her best friend and she still needed me in her life. When she accused me of that, I did what anyone else would do, I defended myself by denying it and explaining how it wasn't abuse. In her final email to me, my ex said that me denying it and trying to explain it away is a major red flag of abusers and just confirms that I am abusive and controlling. She even accused me of sexually assaulting her. She said that she was afraid I was going to come and rape and/or murder her.

Even though it went against everything I believe in and everything I stand for, I believed her. After all this is the woman I love, who knows me the best. Why would she lie? If she says I'm this monster, I must be this monster. That almost cost me my life, thinking I was solely responsible for destroying the relationship with the woman I was about to ask to marry me. It absolutely devastated me.

I started seeing a therapist because I needed to know if I really was this monster. I was very confused. I had absolutely every single person in my life tell me I wasn't and could never be that monster. But the woman I love says I am. I went to get a professional opinion because if I was this monster, I needed to get help. I didn't want to be a man who hurts and destroys the ones he loves.

After a few weeks of therapy it was pointed out to me that my ex had done and said the exact opposite of what abused women say and do. My psychiatrist, who I've been seeing for over 15 years said she has never seen an abusive trait or quality in me. That got me really questioning all of her accusations. The final nail in the coffin came when I saw her for the first time after the break up.

It happened at the place we both volunteer at. She came into the room that I was in, was surprised to see me but said “Hi” in a sweet voice. Then she went to the same table I was at and sat down right across from me. There was less than 3ft between us. After a little bit she went over to the opposite side of the room. On that wall is a big mirror. I caught her a few times starring at me in it. Then she came back and sat across from me again. When I couldn't take it anymore, I got up to leave. As I was walking out of the room, I hear my ex say (in a very compassionate voice, like we were best friends who hadn't seen each other in a month. Like nothing ever happened) “Goodbye gundam94, it was really really nice to see you again”. I ignored her. I had to go back an hour later to take a friend home. My ex was still there. As I was leaving my ex said (in the same voice as before) “Goodbye gundam94, please take care of yourself”. Again I ignored her.

Her behavior made me cry all weekend. That was the same weekend I found out my ex had been lying to me for months and had been cheating on me. I told my psychiatrist and therapist this and my ex's behavior. They believe her accusations are false for a number of reasons. The first was her email. Another are her actions leading up to the split. But the biggest is the way she interacted with me the first time she saw me after she sent her email. They said that if I really was the monster she accused me of being or if she really believed I was that monster, she would've acted much differently. If it was true or she really believed it she would never have been in the same room as me or sat that close to me or talked to me. They have told me and I agree, that she made those accusations just to hurt me.

So how do you give her validation when it's extremely obvious she doesn't even believe what she said?

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[lbjnltx]

Hi gundam,

She may have felt that way in the moment that she made the accusation.  For people who suffer with BPD the overwhelming feelings they have become facts to them.

Once the "moment" has passed the feeling that equal the facts has passed as well... .or, she may have just been lashing out to hurt you. 

The point of validation is to validate the feelings... .not their version of what the truth is and we don't want to validate the invalid.

These are very hurtful things that have happened between you and your ex.  Are you asking about validation now to know how to approach the subject with her in the future?

lbjnltx

[gundam94]

First, thanks for moving my post to the proper thread. Sorry I didn't post it here.


To answer your question... .yes partly. It would be nice to know how to approach this topic with her if it ever comes up. Also if there was a different way I could've handled the situation. I'm not looking for a "what if" kind of thing. It's just something that's been bothering me.

Also her logic during the entire thing didn't make sense. She cant be in a relationship with me anymore but still needs me in her life. Says I'm extremely emotionally abusive and controlling but still needs me as her best friend. Basically says she's afraid I'm going to come after her to rape and/or murder her but has no problem being near me and shows no fear of me.

[lbjnltx]

Also her logic during the entire thing didn't make sense. She cant be in a relationship with me anymore but still needs me in her life. Says I'm extremely emotionally abusive and controlling but still needs me as her best friend. Basically says she's afraid I'm going to come after her to rape and/or murder her but has no problem being near me and shows no fear of me.

It is not her logical mind at work, it is her emotional mind at work. Definitely not the same thing. 

We nons try to make sense of our loved one's reactions by reasoning it out and this drives us nuts because it is so often (not always) unreasonable.  That is why we focus on the feelings... .those we can validate because they are real (whether we agree with them or not).

What would some statements she make look like? 

lbj

[gundam94]

Also her logic during the entire thing didn't make sense. She cant be in a relationship with me anymore but still needs me in her life. Says I'm extremely emotionally abusive and controlling but still needs me as her best friend. Basically says she's afraid I'm going to come after her to rape and/or murder her but has no problem being near me and shows no fear of me.

It is not her logical mind at work, it is her emotional mind at work. Definitely not the same thing. 

We nons try to make sense of our loved one's reactions by reasoning it out and this drives us nuts because it is so often (not always) unreasonable.  That is why we focus on the feelings... .those we can validate because they are real (whether we agree with them or not).

What would some statements she make look like? 

lbj

I have her entire email I mentioned posted in my first thread. I don't want to repost it... .it's still far to painful

[lbjnltx]

Understand. 

When you are ready we will be here to help you.  It would be a good idea to practice here with us before you have a conversation. 

lbj

[gundam94]

Understand. 

When you are ready we will be here to help you.  It would be a good idea to practice here with us before you have a conversation. 

lbj

Thanks   I meant me rereading her email is to painful still. As far as her statements... .I have no idea. The entire time we were fighting at the end of the relationship, it felt like I was dealing with a stranger. The woman I fell in love with wouldn't say or do the things she did... .which tells me I never knew the real her... .so I have no idea what her statements would be... .I've had limited exposure to the "real" her.

[Violettine]

I've heard different things about what is called Level 3 here: Stating the Unarticulated (as is written)

vs.

Not Presuming/Assuming, and instead saying, i.e., "I'm really sorry about this whole drama. I took things the wrong way, and even if I was on the right track I was self-centered in not only getting offended but in assuming that I can read your motives and mind. What you've been saying is about you, not about me and my own feelings (not that I don't care, of course). Invalidating a person's feelings in whatever way makes it hard for them to feel heard. I was pretty clueless, but now I have more skills and can see where you're coming from."

[Violettine]

How does that sound?

OR

"I'm really sorry about this whole drama. I took things the wrong way, and even if I was on the right track I was self-centered in not only getting hurt and offended (or alternately feeling flattered by the attention) but in assuming that I can read your motives and mind. Things seemed to have come out of the blue and I assumed that you just didn't like me anymore or that you realized you never did.

What you were saying or thinking was about you, not about me and my own feelings (not that I don't care, of course--both people are involved in the equation and therefore both should feel empathetic and sympathetic toward the other). Invalidating a person's feelings and needs in whatever way that occurs makes it hard for that person to feel heard. I was clueless since I didn't have the "techniques" to understand, but I recently learned more skills and can better see where you've been coming from."

And maybe I can title the email 'I'm an idiot!'

[Violettine]

I think it might have been a bad idea to apologize for the drama. No response from the pwBP... .

[Violettine]

I think it might have been a bad idea to apologize for the drama. No response from the pwBP... .

My guess is he wanted to be sure I knew his behavior was meant to hurt me.