just need support in getting right

[tiki]

I would like to think I'm in the learning phase but today I am dealing with a detachment issue. Also this person is a friend.


 I'm not in the best state. I'm just trying to stay focused on getting right again. Getting calm. Putting distance behind this last interaction. In the meantime I don't know what to do. I just feel so crazy. Almost like I can't cope. I swear I'm sane. When I'm sane at least. Anyway just looking for support I guess.  I just don't know what else to do. I guess I should go to a counselor but it gives me massive anxiety. And I know that probably seems silly. But like I have this really intense type of anxiety where I've gone to counselor before and it made my anxiety worse. It's like I'm very private and telling people my ___ makes me very uncomfortable. Like to the point where I scream out non nonsensical words for a day afterward. But I really feel like I need a counselor so maybe I will make the effort. I feel like if I had one in the first place they would have helped me set boundaries.

I guess I basically feel like I was trapped into accepting abuse. And I know that's a strong word.  And now that this has happened to me and I'm feeling a little undone. It sucks to have to deal with the fact that there is no acknowledgement. It feels so uncaring. But I think the crux is that I knew it wasn't healthy and I wanted away but I was trapped with guilt and now that I'm suffering psychologically it's like it's nobody's problem but my own. Of course.

Well thanks. I feel a little better already. At least my pulse feels better.

[tiki]

Not to respond to myself but I feel so much better. It's like a switch. I'm in and out. Out me is so sane and calm. All I want is peace.

[pearlsw]

Hi tiki,

I'm glad writing things out a bit made you feel a bit better, but of course I don't want you to be here alone talking to yourself!

It is so interesting what you have written! (What you say about anxiety and going to a therapist I mean.) I think you said it yourself, despite those feelings, it would likely be worth it to go anyway... .Maybe one idea would be to promise yourself to "give it a try" for a certain number of sessions and then see from there if you can continue? But just get it going and opening yourself up to the idea of getting some relief... .

In what ways did you feel as though you were being abused? What do you wish you had set better boundaries with?

Hopefully others will join us in this discussion!

wishing you peace, pearlsw.

[araneina]

I sort of relate to the therapy issue.  I have been going to therapy and I'll say currently I am MORE anxious and MORE confused than I was than before I started going, about 2 weeks ago.  However I think that's because for the first time in my life I'm actually confronting my issues and processing them rather than shoving them to the side.  Perhaps that is what you go through as well?

[tiki]

Hi, thanks. No it's a social anxiety issue actually. Which I know is extreme.  

I don't know if this should be a new post topic.This person lives a few blocks from me. And I think that doesn't help. But I guess I have past trauma in my life not related to this. And I think I've felt very triggered.  Basically. And I spent five years in like a state of trauma (not from this). I got better two and a half years ago.  This person came into my life right when I got better.

Anyway. We stopped talking in June and I was pretty good June to November. I was just happy to feel like I had space.

And then in November I got triggered. From a simple nothing encounter. He had wanted to apologize. Been begging to apologize. And I felt like I had to listen to it. I wasn't expecting to be triggered. But I was.

And then today I stopped by his house because we had been engaging by text. And it was just nasty. So I stopped by because I am looking for a human way to cope. Like if he can look me in eye.

And all of this is not getting to the point. But he said like sounding confused like I don't understand why you're mad. He said I thought I was just bringing up some really good points that whole time. Like those two years.

I can't. I can't even. Like oh I guess it was all in my head then. Like negating any of his behavior to me for two years.

It's like can't see anything wrong with behavior.

I just. I know some of this is triggering past truama.

But I feel so just afraid how am I going to not feel like this. When he lives two blocks away. Did I mention he was an internet friend that moved near to me? Like no remorse. For putting me through everything.

I just wonder can I be well. Feel well. Snap back into my old self. When hes living a deluded life two blocks away. Like not at all toiling to understand his treatment of others. I have to live in the same area and see him frequently.

I just want to be okay.

[tiki]

Had in person contact both yesterday and also today. It was because I felt like I was going mad and was looking for just anything.

And it worked and also didn't work. I felt like I was making such a mistake leaving the house. I imagined my cat was like... gurl

But It worked partially  because my vitals are solid now.

And it also worked because I seemed to really get the fact that it's not possible to reach an understanding.

I guess it's the arguing thing with the fog.

It's something inside of me that fights for understanding. And  I think that is what hurts me so much internally. Especially when I'll never get it.

So today was like the first time that I felt a peace with understanding I will not be able to get it.

And those clouds parted and I could see the person sort of beneath that. Normally I'm too angry to see the person even for a second without being triggered into feeling the cause and effect and today I had more like just  a calm moment of observation.

It's so important I have something that works for me I hope struggling to explain this doesn't take out the original impact. Maybe I'm grasping. But...

I guess maybe I was accepting. Maybe that's what I experienced.

This isn't about building bridges for me. It's about finding something that helps with closure.

But I'm also scared because he still lives here. And the only reason I met up with him was that I was feeling so desperate and crazy. And I was kind of in a state.

It's just so hard for me to be not triggered by knowing he's hear and maybe just worrying.

I feel so on edge and scared. Going crazy really hurts.

Yep. Sorry for the rosie o'donell haiku style. I'm also sorry if I'm being obnoxious. I always feel so obnoxious. I'm sort of just probably using this thread inappropriately to log desperation. Sorry.

And if it isn't then what happens.

Am I going to go crazy again.

It's probably not good but it seems okay now.

I feel like if he didn't live here this would be different for me. Easier.

It's really so scary to get feeling so triggered.

[Go]

Just wanted to say I live in the antipodes and my thoughts and prayers are with you.  Terribly tough time we sometimes must face up to and bit by bit deal with, process and begin to move on.   One minute we get our act together and start cleaning up and feeling way better, then something triggers us and we are just gutted and our will to go on is sapped away.  It does get better and our capacity to deal with it improves incrementally with time.   We can stoke our own fires and the challenge is getting ourselves longer increments of sane I would happily agree with that mental black and white perspective.   Us humans are immensely resilient, particularly when we realise a SO has taken us for a total ride and I think there is built into us this capacity to fight back a little more each time until we start to win and eventually by vast margins.  Stick with it, these moments of hell will soon begin to lose much of their sting as we develop a logical antidote for this terrible poison in our lives.  We will flush it out of our system and soon be so much better, much better than we have been in a long while.  All the best,  Go

[tiki]

I'm an idiot. You can't get anything through the person.

I am such an idiot.

[Go]

You just hang in there.  Every one of us has to fight our battle a slightly different way, save the one universal panacea time.
Having them in your face is so very difficult.  Try to get needful some separation.  I know about this, oh... .how I know about this... .how we long for anything even an evil burst of vicious temper than the silence we are now contending with... .the utter loss of passion in our lives, as we feel utterly drained and without purpose or spine.  Even when they are gone we long to have them back destroying our lives rather than be without them.  Why do we feel like this... .because these relationships are deeply damaging and make us deeply dependent.  Each moment, while we see the very next disaster looming, we just can't say no.  We have become as much our own problem as the BPD SO themselves.  That is why we need separation and time.  Otherwise the whole thing just keeps recycling. 
Get out (I know you are dead tired, but muster the energy and if it is safe to drive or travel do so) Visit friends, family, anyone that is nurturing and you will feel the wheels reattach to your cart again.   You must try to get some sun everyday for your Vitamin D otherwise depression can set in fast,  Make sure your folic acid and B vitamins are in your diet too, as these are clinically proved to help fight depression, with a bit of a walk daily, as part of a balanced healthy diet.  Walks are marvelous.  If you believe in God or even if you don't have a talk irrespective.  For me I could only muster a few words, then my brain went everywhere, then more clarity and more as I walked and found some order in the beat of my feet.   You will find calmness and reassurance, in my case the ability to dig deeper and even muster at last the most ironic joke about what was otherwise a very serious matter and felt for the first time in days a smile spread across my face and deep gratitude for knowing at last this hell from now on, would cycle out of my life. 
I was a walking disaster a bit over a week ago, 2 hours sleep per night for days on end, but eventually the sleep got to 5 hours then finally utterly exhausted a full 8 hours came and now a second too nights sleep... and even today after church a little nap, until the cat decided it needed a cuddle more than I clearly needed more sleep... .was pretty glad, as I woke and had a good late lunch and spoke to someone lovely who has also been hurt.  Now I am off to be there for my family also so very hurt. 
The solution is people, people, people... .good wholesome people decent people... .otherwise the voices in your head trying to reason it all out, have nothing to bounce all the theories on and figure a proper solution.
I was lucky enough to get across a table from a few at the beginning of this new episode of hell and we all pieced the long saga together.   There were a lot of tears, but a lot of healing too and after that it is just time and love and no shortage of prayer.  There are things you don't need to know.  Why?... .because soon, you will not care to remember, as it will be well in your past and you will be on with your life again, but only if you let yourself.  There is nothing to beat yourself up about, there is just time and distance and if you have the strength new healthy goals, which impossible can level your mind in time toward achieving higher purposes. 

[tiki]

Thank you, I really appreciate anything. Anything. Haha. Any validation feels like I don’t even know.

The thing is I don’t feel like I’m safe in terms of my own anger. Which I think I had ptsd previously. From past things not this and I had just come out of it. For five years I was very sick with ptsd.

And then this person pressed my bottoms for two years. And though I suffered I didn’t go all ptsd like. I was even called cold by him because of how much I kept it together.

Then five months later after no contact I’m there. Like triggered into ptsd.  And when I’m there I feel very unpredictable.

With this anger it has caused me to reach out to him only to yell. And what happens is when I see him he can calm down the anger.

not in the past. just since I’ve been experiencing this stuff. He has been able to calm it down.

So of course me going to him in this way is not going to end well.

The other day there was an embarrassing street scene.

it was me who was calm but he jumped out of my car because I said let’s just agree to disagree on everything. Nicely. I meant that like let’s be peaceful and just not go anywhere because there is never any resolution. Let’s just be chill instead. We can’t agree.

Which for me that was a nice way to put it because I wasn’t saying anyone is to blame. Or anyone’s view of reality is superior to anyone else’s. Just that we don’t agree. And to me that was generous.

But he jumped out of my car because he said he wanted to argue a point.

That’s just details and not important. But the point is.

This me being triggered months later into anger is dangerous. For one it makes me go to him if even to work something out.

So that’s the issue and that’s what I’m dealing with.

Really with him the only thing I have ever wanted was to not have to deal with him. That for me was the dream. And now I have that dream. But my anger is pulling me back.

 

[Go]

I  am so deeply reminded of many years ago, when my wife and I were first married and things were not as they should have been.  I was distant and cold too often and she was needy even for a BPD wife.  When I stopped playing the indifferent and came closer, it had a strange impact on her and she pushed away.  It was bizarre,  She longed for me to love her genuinely and deeply and when I learnt how, she pulled away and punished me for taking too long.  The dynamic changed forever. BPD SO, just often want what they can't get and they are not unique in that view.  We all love a challenge and when it seems to have evaporated, we somehow feel cheated.  On the other hand we want someone, but achieving genuine closeness does not work, so we try all sorts of games to find a false balance and then more madly, seek to maintain it.   The games we play for deep intimacy and connection  with another human.   BPDs are very attractive, their complexity intrigues us and pits us to somehow doing the super human.  What a life we lead.  It is so nice to try to catch these zephyrs with our pitch forks if only for a time until the emotional connection evaporates and too quickly appears elsewhere.
Hang in there, start putting some plans for yourself together.  This will resent the balance all round.  You need to be to be your very best, to wick up the attractiveness levels and no man can resist a confident, but tender woman.   Sometimes it is all about connection with another, when all that is needed is some patience with ourselves and some peace and calm for us to bounce back.   If you don't get it where you are, find someone that can talk in person.  It will get the green meanies to take a back seat to your own deep and unmet needs.
Kind regards,  So.

[tiki]

I really wasn’t cold though. It was just a hurtful comment.  I was insulted by that at the time. Or at least hurt by it and internally defensive. But now  I interpret that comment to possibly be frustration that I was strong and he couldn’t break me as much as he wanted with his bs. I feel like him saying you’re cold was really code for I’m frustrated I can’t break you.

And I realized understanding that I can’t get any sort of understanding or validation from him is also a really valid and helpful realization.

And I wonder if that on some level that was why he was so upset that I said it. Because it’s another way a in which he can’t control me. If I just have it in my mind that we have different ideas about reality. Then if you think about it that would make everything said less hurtful.

And I had another important understanding yesterday.

I realized what hurts so much is that I feel like he didn’t care about my life. This whole thing used to be this amazing best friend relationship. And I thought we had this really amazing friendship. It’s basically all the cliches people have about relationships but in friendship terms. I thought he was someone who cared about me and understood me and would never hurt me.

It was a completely different experience with him in person. He doesn’t even reflect the person I knew online. He was mean and wanted to hurt me like immediately.

i thought I had this amazing friend. But the way he acted showed that he doesn’t care about me. And that hurts extra because I thought that he did.

Also I had just escaped this horrible mental state I was in for five and then an additional year of depression after that. I had just survived and he just came and pushed any button he could find. Or tried to.

So I have these two realizations now. 1. I can’t find agreement with him  2. I’m so deeply hurt because I feel like he act in a way that showed he didnt care about my life. (Because I thought he was my best friend) so it’s someone I thought cared who behaved like they cared less about me than my mailman might or a stranger even. The person you think cares the most actually cares the least. Or at least that’s how they act.

[tiki]

But why do I need to keep engaging. He told me via text he was just going to shutter himself in his apartment and I didn't have to worry about seeing him. I mean super. That sounds great.

But he said something I felt I had to respond to. And so I did. Why do I feel that need to engage? When I know there is no possible understanding.

He said oh I would have done anything for you. Anything at all. And I was like you can't even control yourself enough to not lash out on me.

I don't need you to walk to china. Just try to control yourself and force yourself to not lash out at me.

I was just so annoyed that he said he would do anything when the reality is he couldn't even do the first thing.

Which is make an effort or even realize you need to try to make an effort to control yourself.

And yet you think you would do anything but you can't even do that.

And if you're not going to do that it's one thing. But to act like you don't even plan to make an effort. To not even care enough to realize you should make an effort. If you fail though you're trying to make the effort even that I could respect. But to not even feel like you should have to make the effort. 

But why do I feel like I have to respond? Why do I even want to engage.

This will not stop until I stop engaging. Why can't I stop?

I need to fully accept and stop trying to get understanding. It's not going to happen. 

[Go]

Clearly you have some serious fight left in you yet.
Oh boy do I remember those days.  :-(  x  25 for each x1  ;-)  yes that's a black eye.  Now 25 years on,  wisdom is giving sway... .is it fight or flight or 'I GET IT AT LAST'  Let me use a technique that has brought me much relief in recent days.
I suggest, applying a simple ONE COLUMN technique.

It is a business technique used when negotiating contracts between two businesses.  In business each brings unique capabilities to the table, with the hope that the sum of the individual parts will give net greater value. 

You negotiate true VALUE based on what is highly valued by the other.   Some items are more highly regarded by one party, far more so,  than often another.  Others you think are of highest value to you, is actually of little consequence or even worth to another, when you get to look through their eyes.  I have one client that will pay for certification.  They will pay twice as much for that alone, a bit of paper well documented that goes with our product no others can supply.

Another only wants an inert white product.  The whiter it is the more he is willing to pay.   Ironically using one of these first steps in evaluating 'perceived' versus 'real' value, the lights go on for most people in business.  This also applies very accurately, to personal matters also, to see if one or both parties, have strong grounds for a good prosperous 'deal'.  So how do you do this?

1) Make list of what you might WANT in a partner.
2) Inbedded in this list add in what you NEED in a partner. I used highlights.
(I call these highlighted items, walk away... .or deal breakers)
This will likely include what you perceive both you and your future children one day will require with total reliability day after day.  For me these are deal breakers if not present.   
3) In this list should be your guiding values and what you bring to the table yourself of merit, your own hard won characteristics, you want to see further enhanced and nurtured to full power, through partnering well.  We should take careful stock of those characteristics we cherish in both ourselves, our close trusted friends and most assuredly a partner, which when combined, generate a high probability of bringing joy, happiness and helping as much as one can feel so, complete with a partner.   

Against this list, we now tick off what the BPT partner brings to the table.
You may get a VERY BIG SURPRISE... .25 years on I received the biggest kick in the tail I have had... .and it was from myself.  I had been trying as I say, to pitch fork a zephyr into my life.  Much of this relationship was illusionary.  Much of what I thought my wife could bring to the table was simply not there.  I was mining for gold based on a few reflections, but found myself not in fertile workings, but sucking up ever great clouds of dust in chalk pit.

4) What are the true (not imagined) characteristics of this BPT person, not just eg. sweet or generous on the very odd occasion, but steady, day in, day out characteristics you can trust and totally rely upon to be present with increasing regularity as the relationship has progressed over time.  Anyone looking for gold and where I come from is the richest gold mile in the history of the world since the 19th century and it still produces vast amounts of gold and will for a very long time yet.  Wherever you drill down for a core sample, every time, there will be shows of gold.  There is so much, they shandy it with lower grade material from other workings, allowing them even greater net yields of pure fine gold from this one ore body.   Now that is the place for your gold mine. 

5) Now should you find a characteristic, then might I suggest add an arrow, if and when this characteristic is found present in some amount... .and now using a bit of clever math look for the first derivative.  Is it increasing or are you finding with time, ebbing away?  If the arrow is downward, then you have missed with this shot and need to move your drill rig elsewhere and try again.  If upwards then perhaps you are closer to pay dirt, but not without much sacrifice and effort.

When it comes to human characteristics, remember even Hitler was kind on occasion to certain people, but as we can see he was net totally destructive not only to his enemies, but with every greater frequency to his very own, to both his and their utter final destruction.  Be honest enough to write zephyr if that is all that appears on occasion.  too

We don't hang our affections on the common or mundane sadly, we choose high points to precariously hang our hats, thinking them found on solid foundations. Sadly we find often below just castles in the air, destined to crumble as we now observe, as these high points fail to repeat themselves with increasing regularity as we once hoped.  We have these little trills, titillations even, we just can't live without and we will do anything for just one more random result... .We pay little head to the key indicators, all the 100s of daily mundane occurences, whether present or not.  To those honest with themselves, they will see each as equally as precious, but so often is our fixation upon the shell and not the heart, caring for the more part little, whether they exist or not.  But it is truly to these, we now must look with fervid attention.

What we are looking for is who they are... .on a  truly day to day interactive basis, constantly driven by their inner nature, their value core and whether they are principle centred or just continuously self serving to their own ends.  Your capacity to experience and remember more of these high points year after year, is founded most squarely upon the frequency of these that form the very basis of joy itself.

We are looking by repeated accurate observation (fly on the wall stuff, if you like), (not imagination which us humans are really good at projecting onto another).

I put my life and relations of 25 years of marriage to the test most recently.
Here is a small extract of what I found about my BPD/w. 

Virtuous (morality)   (huge multiple fails)
Kind    (fail)   Unless they she received a massive ego boost from it.
Nurturing (inconsistent)  Last 4 years (near 0% both kids and I)
Loving   (rarely)
Honesty   (huge fail)
Integrity  (fail)
Finance   (huge fail)  diabolical, still cleaning up 10s of thousands, 100s  prior.
Work     (pass) but very inconsistent over the years, could not hold down job.
Creative  (very high distinction missed)
Self sacrificing  (prior times a little, latter never)
Happy     (rarely)  Always looking for fault in others, stirring up trouble. 
Caring     (fail) She does no longer genuinely cares for any of her children or me.
Communication  (fail)  Total inability to discuss reality or face up to such.
Responsible   (fail)  Blames other exclusively and not self

AND THE LIST GOES ON  16/26 she failed,   4/16 flaky,  6/24 a pass or better.

Now if you were starting off finding an new partner and parent for your children would you choose this person?   NO WAY.  You would need to be utterly crazy.
This last one we have to measure ourselves also.  WE love playing the victim and we need to know, (our BPT SO just does not genuinely care).  We have to suck it up and as we are doing here, find people at our emotional and ethical level in whom we can begin to trust and rebuild so we move from victim (co dependent) to pro-active (independent) and fully embracing very needful change in our lives.

Does all this make it any easier.  Yes, because as much as we love others, we are here near totally collapsed, as we have run out of emotional FUEL to feed their hungry eternally empty egos any longer.  It is that simple.  We mourn the loss of a dream only.  We see ourselves pitchforking a hollow image and now understand why it does not feed us or nourish our souls or give us all that we so deeply desire.  Once we figure the dream is not real however, suddenly we can let go.  It makes sense now.  Yes they are real, but this is a bad deal... .loose/loose and let me add a very bad business deal too, to enter into marriage with such a partner.  You will not only lose emotionally, but will be financially stripped again and again no matter how hard you work, your priorities will never be their own.  The are too immature to pay the true price of happiness... .the only question is are you ready to go for reality at last.  Make that list, you just might find you are... .or perhaps are not.  Either way you will know with some accuracy into what you are making an investment of your heart, soul and all your physical substance let me tell you.
If the investment is wise, get in, but if measures destructive and trends destructive, get out and soon, which means with each day you are every more closer to finding the true happiness that presently will always elude you.
Regards, Go

[tiki]

I'm trying to calm down enough to read what you've written. And I will do it.
I think I'm dealing with past truama being triggered by this person.

I'm in an almost altered state of feeling the following things:
-I can't stop engaging first off. I need to stop. I need to get rid of any methods of communication. It's hard not having a phone but I think I need to do that.
-I could almost be arresting for threatening a persons life at this point. I mean he has a counselor what if she had to report me.
-I'm extremely disappointing in myself as you can imagine and also shocked and dismayed.

I feel:
just like sort of this truama state that I had before.  

I really need to do the first steps in like 1. no communication devices 2. Just do all my trauma stuff
But mostly like first I need to not communicate.

Also can I get arrested for threatening someones life? The only illegal thing I've done previously is go through a stop sign.  All those spousal abuse guys who nothing ever happens to and I probably would get arrested for a text.

On the positive side. IF i don't get a arrested. I've probably made it more likely that he would stop contacting me.

But he lives in my neighborhood. I've also just given him the leverage to tell everyone I'm crazy. Which seems pretty believable now. 

[tiki]

Does all this make it any easier.  Yes, because as much as we love others, we are here near totally collapsed, as we have run out of emotional FUEL to feed their hungry eternally empty egos any longer.  It is that simple.  We mourn the loss of a dream only.  We see ourselves pitchforking a hollow image and now understand why it does not feed us or nourish our souls or give us all that we so deeply desire.  Once we figure the dream is not real however, suddenly we can let go.  It makes sense now.  Yes they are real, but this is a bad deal... .loose/loose and let me add a very bad business deal too, to enter into marriage with such a partner.  You will not only lose emotionally, but will be financially stripped again and again no matter how hard you work, your priorities will never be their own.  The are too immature to pay the true price of happiness... .the only question is are you ready to go for reality at last.  Make that list, you just might find you are... .or perhaps are not.  Either way you will know with some accuracy into what you are making an investment of your heart, soul and all your physical substance let me tell you.
If the investment is wise, get in, but if measures destructive and trends destructive, get out and soon, which means with each day you are every more closer to finding the true happiness that presently will always elude you.
Regards, Go

Hi, thanks. I have to clarify that I wasn't in a relationship. This was my best friend. Who I had an online best friendship with for years before he moved here. After he moved here everything unraveled from there.

Also, I'm super sorry that you married this person for 25 years and  had children. When I read people were married with people who have this it's like for me trying to comprehend space. It's almost too horrible to comprehend.

I guess I should feel happy in comparison.

I never got dumped.

For me it's not the actually moving on part. Like to another relationship. Because there isn't even a best friend replacement yet. Although I suppose there will be. But in a way it is the moving because it's the movement from hurting someone to just moving on in their life with a lack of remorse. He gets to move around and just be numb and seems to be doing better than the person he hurt.

I guess that's it. He's doing better than the person he hurt. To me it's like he is gallivanting about. While I suffer to deal with the aftermath. I said I didn't crack during that time. But those two years. It's been two and a half years total since this started. But I say two years because we haven't talked the last five or six months.

For two years I was in a chronic state of stress. Part of that stress came from trying to be okay and stay mentally healthy while taking what feels like abuse.

It was just chronic stress.

But because it's always not their fault, how could they ever feel responsible? They can't.

That is I guess the thing for me. Just the remorseless in hurting people. And lack of awareness.

But you're right I have to suck that up. That's really helpful.

I also really like the quote that 'they are too immature to pay the cost of happiness' sorry paraphrasing.

Reading what you have written has shown me that I'm lucky.
Because I've already given up that he is good and kind. I went through a period of mourning the person I thought I knew. And I think I'm not there anymore. I think I actually did move through that stage.

It felt like losing my religion. Because I realized I was actually alone. To an extent. I mean the friendship felt like I always had a person who like practically knew my thoughts and loved me. And then down the road I even just wanted to have an okay friendship. Just before we stopped talking. I was thinking I wanted to be just average friends. But he said something he didn't mean. Which is that he didn't want to be friends. And I capitalized on it. And I took it as an opportunity to stop talking.

And it took two months for my thoughts to not always run into worrying about him. Two months until I could think about my own problems. And I felt good. I starting even doing good. I lost the weight I'd gained. I even physically looked better. I had all my healthy habits. I got all my mental and physical good habits going. I was eating right, I was being proactive against depression.  

I mean I stopped being there when I saw him over thanksgiving. His lack of understanding and his general like doing pretty good state.

So I guess even if it's not that he's moved on. In a way it's same issue for me. It's the lack of remorse for what he put me through. So in a way it's still a moving on issue. Like he's doing better than the person he hurt.

Also he moved to the area where I live. And it's small.

But thanks for pointing out to me that I have to suck it up. That they can move on remorselessly I mean. That they can be doing better than the pain they caused others.

I'm capable of sucking things up. I just need to know what is bothering me so I can do that.

Okay, thanks.

[tiki]

edited for violence

[Go]

I am at work today, but did want to reply.
Life is not easy and we are all prone to reaching out to what often we know is perhaps the wrong people to help us at times of great crisis and strife in our lives.  Somehow those that are not completely whole in and of themselves, in the heat of their own battels, that seem to resonate with our spirits.  Even here you and I passing through a bit of purgatory on our way to heaven. 

It is bizarre, but it seems like totally complete balanced souls do not fully get us.  What I am now learning is that ALL people have a tonne of baggage.  Most manage by some miracle to suppress it all and get on with their life.  None walk through life without on occasion getting some seriously bloodied knees.  One totally out of the blue new found friend the other day, told those around her quite matter of factly almost flippantly, that she was s. abused as a child.  She summed up what was clearly a terrible battle.  She said, I have accepted what happened as a child and have moved on with my life.  She is a vivacious and fun person to be around.  If you look hard, in the quieter reflective moments, you can see the scars of life hard won out of sadness, but what I observed was a lovely person, just being herself warts and all, and seeking to make other peoples lives wonderful too. 
Later as I was leaving (she is happily married mature person, married, to one of my older distant relatives).  I said how grateful at last I have had the opportunity to get to know her and her husband.  I expressed how kind and lovely they are.  She asked me, do you mind if I give you a hug?  She cuddled me like a Mum, this little fine little lady once a dancer.  (they tend to be touchy feely people, as dancers have to closely synch with each other and be one)  so much so I could feel the genuine kindness and love from her enter my soul.  She stood back and looked deeply into my soul, more so than any other person I have ever met before in my life.  Through her lovely blue eyes, she then spoke and expressed what a beautiful person I am and how beautiful all my children are.  I am sure she is equally as wonderful to others also, it is after all her nature not to judge, but I did not feel any less from being reminded of my value.  You are not alone.  You are a lovely sensitive person.  That finds voice in anger on occasion, but that is not you it is just a manifestation to environmental factors, that in time you will come to terms with and explore as we do as humans are range of ways to deal with them, in time far better.  Know you are surrounded by truly angelic people, who have walked at least part of your path in their trip to acceptance of others and no less themselves and in time healing.  As we heal towards others, we heal to ourselves. 
Forgiving is bizarre as I have found more recently.  It is actually not an act of clinging to, but of release.  It offers freedom and softens us to better absorb the blows of life, most poignantly those of the past.  Do not resent your pain, but make it your power for a lifetime.  My daughter used to do ballet.  She came home one day at 6 years old and said her teacher, told her that they needed to make pain their best friend.  We were shocked, but she has more power than any of my boys now.  She can deal with pain and use it to give beauty and kindness back to the world, as she does.  The other day her friend broke up from her BF.
 She said, Dad can I ask a big favour.  Anything for my beautiful daughter I said willingly. Off we went... .with her own money, hard earned she shopped for all sorts of comfort foods and trinkets and then she dropped them in a birthday type bag to her friend, knocked on the door and ran away.   She had found power in pain.  Power to no longer judge, but to accept others in their flaws and sadnes.  Power to help when struggling so terribly too and those too often making an utter bosh of their lives in the process and in so doing missing out on so much.  It is hard to get ones centre, re-centred on occasion.  I am getting counselling myself not for the pain, but to learn strategies from a seasoned professional, how I can better now fill what feels like a gaping hole in my existence, that is not filling anywhere near as quickly as I would have presumed it should have.  I want to tap down into the inner drive that I have for some things, like anything so far as my kids future goes without reservation, but lacking in my own personal goals and ambitions.  We all long to be whole and I hope there are a few words here that might resonate with you and help you to know you are not alone and in fact very loved.
Regards, Go