Found an old letter

[Struggles]

In keeping with my New Years tradition of cleaning out and decluttering, I was going through one of our drawers and found a letter that was written by my MIL to my husband many many years ago. 

I had remembered the letter when she had written it, my husband showed it to me, but after all these years had passed I couldn’t remember what all it said. 

I promise I’ll get to what was in the letter... .

For those of you who don’t know my story... .long story short, we are NC with my MIL who is undiagnosed.  First it was LC, until a string of events such as calling the grandkids horrible names to their faces, calling my husband and his siblings horrible names and basically saying they were crap and never help with anything (even though they helped with everything), threatening my sister in law, blocking me in a public restroom and grabbing my arm, and then spreading horrible rumors about me.  She is also tearing holes in her walls (now starting in on the floors), and addicted to pain medication. 

This is the biggest and worst rage fit to date (I won’t say it can’t get worse because I never would have imagined some of the things that have happened). 

In the past I have been the golden daughter in law and my sister in law who I am extremely close with has been painted black.  I have always let things roll of my back and be the peacemaker while my sister in law has always spoken her mind when my MIL raged.  My sister in law would pick her battles carefully though, knowing what was worth speaking out about and what wasn’t.  Because I always stayed quiet is why I was the golden one. 

When the latest behaviors started I was so fed up with being hurt and seeing my family hurt, I just couldn’t let it roll off.  I never called her out on it, just distances myself from her.  She noticed and that’s when the blocking me in the bathroom, and nasty rumors started about me. 

I promise I’m going to get to the letter I mentioned  ... .

Since then, my sister in law is now the golden one.  This doesn’t bother me, as we are now NC with MIL.  And I am actually happy that my Sister in law gets a break from being the one painted black.  None of us deserve this type of abuse, and especially not my sister in law because she is such a wonderful woman who has done so much for our MIL. Since my husband and I are not speaking to her, she is especially careful with the other siblings.  I guess fearing if she rages at them they will take the same step we have.  So instead she has focused all her energy on us (mainly me).

My MIL has been addicted to pain killers for a long time and most recently was released from her doctors care and told she could not get anymore pain killers. 

Ok, so reading this letter again just makes me boil.  It’s after one of her rage fits, and instead of telling these things to my husbands face she hands him a letter, not mailed but hands it to him.  She professes her love for him and his siblings, professes her love for me and my sister in law and how we are so good to her sons and she knows we truly love them.  She goes on to talk about how her pain pill usage is a “monkey on her back”, and she realizes she isn’t the same young lady or mother she used to be.  She talks about how wonderful everyone is, and asks in the letter if her and my FIL get too old to walk up and down the stairs if him and I would move in with them.  (I just cursed in my mind at the thought)

And although she admits her drug use, and the fact that she isn’t the same young lady or mother that she used to be, she never apologizes for anything she had done.

It makes me sad to look back at this, and see that she could admit things then, but is in total denial now. 

What makes me really sad is that she cried when the doctors wouldn’t give her anymore pills, but has told other family she is perfectly fine with my husband not speaking to her anymore.  How does not getting pain pills warrant an emotional breakdown, but losing your relationship with your son is “perfectly fine”? 

I understand addiction is hard, and I could understand her being afraid about not being able to get pills and go through withdraw.  But, I don’t understand being ok with not having a relationship with your child?

My husband said that he feels like having a relationship with her Adds no value.  He said it’s sad because It is his mom and he does love her, but anyone who can seek to destroy and manipulate and be as vindictive and cruel as she is, he doesn’t want to be around.  He seems very much at peace with the NC, and says there are a lot of things she’d have to do to repair the relationship, and he doesn’t see that happening.  I agree with him that it has been nice and peaceful, but I also find this loss of relationship incredibly sad, and just pray that it isn’t effecting my husbands emotional well being. 

Since she has put him down so much, I don’t want him to believe the bad things she says.  I don’t think he will, but when someone says something about you so many times, you can start to believe it.  So I try to boost his self esteem and tell him all the things that make him such a great man and that I appreciate everything he does for our family. 

I don’t really have a question, just wanted to post how I was feeling about reading the letter again.  Usually when I post what I’m feeling it helps me not think about it anymore, and ever since I read the letter,  it’s been weighing on my mind. 

Hope everyone is having a good New Year so far!

[blondie0507]

Struggles, I wish I could give you some great words of wisdom!   

I can relate so much to this -- the addiction (alcohol for my mom) the rage from her, the feeling of peace of NC with her, even the letter!  My mom has written several emails with "apologies" that only said how much she loves us and the grandkids and never admitting fault with any of the hateful things she said.  This last round before I decided NC, she had written an "apology" email and 2-3 hours later was spewing hateful names and telling us how awful my sister and I were.  I don't understand how someone can turn so drastically within just a few hours.
 

[Struggles]

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply.  That post turned out way longer than I thought . 

I totally get the “apology email”, except for us it was “apology texts”.  And if you didn’t respond she would get angry and rage again. 

I agree, I don’t understand either how it can turn so quickly.  For as long as I can remember I would feel like I was going to have a panic attack when I had to be around her, because you just never knew what was going to be said or done. 

[cClearly]

My BPD MIL told my husband she was going to write me a letter.  I am NC with her.  I am so thankful he had the presence of mind to say, absolutely not.  Leave it alone.  He is very LC right now with her, but I have not had the peace I have at this point in 8 long years until I cut it off.  I don't want the drama.  TBH, I wouldn't read it.  I would mark it Return TO Sender and send it back.  I don't have any interested in excuses and guilt. 
I, too, however, worry about my husband and the loss of the relationship.  Our counselor says it is important, although painful, to grieve.