Was It BPD?

[StrongBrit]

About a month ago I ended a 13 month relationship with an amazing woman.  We had met online and very briefly in person in Italy, before I had to travel back to the US (she remained in Europe).  The story of our romance would read like a soap opera, except it is true, and had a painful ending.  I am hurting and have entered therapy to help me with the breakup.  What haunts me though is that I might have been... .for the second time... .with a woman with BPD.  Lets be clear, I am not one to point the finger, I take full responsibility for my actions.  I don’t run around diagnosing people, even though my background/profession is in psychology, albeit not therapy.  I loved this woman with all my heart and this is the last thing which I wanted to happen, and yet I clearly chose it.  I just want help now from this community to see what I was dealing with, to comment, if you feel like it, on what I went through.  Just reading the incredible articles here has been eye-opening because there is so much, down to the finest detail, which I recognize.  This already helps me.

Our relationship was unique for me because we had one spent one night together before I left for the US:  for several reasons, I did not spend the second and subsequent nights with her till many months later.  But we talked constantly on WhatsApp and messaged.  Out chats could last for hours.  Even after one night we were madly in love, that was clear.  I was "one in a million" for her, she was "everything I always wanted" for me.  It went on like that for a while, just getting better and better, until... .month 3.  Then she stunned me with an outburst for no apparent reason which scared me because it was so familiar:   I had had a girlfriend with BPD years earlier and this was how she had been.  That same month she caught me in a little, very little, white lie and again relentlessly slammed me, would not let go, like a pit bull... .would not respond to any apology of mine, which were offered profusely.  But then time passed with nothing more than a rather continual background "noise" of having to explain things I said which she might be thinking were criticisms... .I know, read flag again.  Then, I got cancer (I said it was like a soap opera!), told her to get on with her life and she did, immediately (the same day, she called an ex, which amazed me, but OK).  As I successfully fought the big “C”, she discovered that the grass wasn't greener and decided she wanted to wait for me. 

Finally, almost 11 months after spending one night with her, we met in Europe and had the most fantastic time.  All the stars lined up and for 6 weeks it was heaven on earth (sound familiar?).  About one month before meeting her we had talked about making a life together, if we discovered that being together over time was fun and we wanted more.  Since I was living platonically with my ex wife, this would involve leaving her and moving back to Europe, where I am originally from.  So after 6 weeks on this trip my girlfriend suddenly, quite unexpectedly, decided I had no plans to make a life with her, which was not true.  I had agonized over making the decision to leave my ex, but I was willing to do that, even though she was my best friend (we had an open relationship as far as meeting other people, but that usually didn’t involve falling in love, like this…).  Anyway my GF proceeded to go crazy for 8 days, destroying our piece of heaven which we had so enjoyed together. No logic worked on her, it got worse and worse and finally I left France, where we were, and flew back to my native England.  I was emotionally and physically exhausted and slept 18 hours, waking up to a message from my friend to tell me she wanted me back!  I replied that I had no intention of coming back but a few days later, I relented after a tearful call with her and we met for two great days before I flew back to the US.

I planned to go back in January this year, today in fact, and see her, start that new life;  but the damage had  been done, it was so hard to forget the attack she had made on me for 8 days (my fault for staying so long, I know…).  When would it repeat?  How often?  What about her drinking, which was quite heavy at night? What about all the other signs….the ones you all talk about here?  What about the incredible number of men she had slept with (200), far more than any woman I had ever met?….What about her sexual masochism, which I took only as far as play because I am not a sadist, but which she wanted to go much, much further?…The idealizing one day turning into such anger the next…even if it happened only months apart, not each week?  What about having to reassure her a lot that I was not criticizing her?….Yes I knew she had been abused physically by an awful father.  He used  to beat her across the face and body, her story touched me, but I knew, these things all added up to…the possible diagnosis.  My diary entries over the year showed I had been hurting, wondering if I should break things off…so how could I possibly go back now, after this 8 day hammering from someone who seemed to be so in love with me?  But, but…I had been in such heaven with her, it was like being let out of jail compared to my “normal” life….yes I know this does not sound good which is why I am in therapy now….living with or near her I would have been quite dependent on her, like a drug, to keep giving me this feeling.  Not good, added to moving away from my friends and support system, to parachute into France and know noone there…but her.  Heaven or disaster waiting to happen?  I chose the latter and said goodbye.

Some of you might read this and shake your heads, how could a professional in this business let himself get into this situation?  I shake my own head with you!  But please, rather than me guessing, tell me what you think.  Maybe I just need to know that I took the right decision to remove myself from the most exciting, in so many ways the most wonderful, relationship I ever had….thank you for reading this…...

[Harley Quinn]

Hi StrongBrit and welcome! 

I'll begin by saying you certainly live up to your board name.  You have shown great strength in making this decision to remove yourself from such a situation.  As you've noted, there were indicators that this r/s was unhealthy in some ways and may have progressed to worse than you experienced in the time that you were together.  We can all relate to the elation of the idealisation phase at the start of a BPD r/s here, so no one will judge you for becoming involved with this woman.  I would describe my time with my exBPDbf as both my best and worst r/s.  It is admirable that you chose to put your own long term well being first.  You've no doubt seen that you're in good company here, so continue to post and read and I'm sure you'll find that your choice begins to feel more and more like the right one.  What matters most in life is what is right for you and you clearly sensed that remaining in this r/s and making the huge life changes necessary to logistically achieve that was not going to be the best decision at this time.  How are you feeling right now about calling things off?

I'd be interested to hear more about your previous BPD r/s if you're happy to share.  What similarities were there to your experience with this latest gf behaviourally and what do you think is the reason why you enter into these types of r/s?

The road to recovery can be a bumpy and winding one and we're here for you on this journey.  Writing about this can be really helpful, so take advantage of having a place where you're understood.  It was a life saver for me.

Love and light x   

[StrongBrit]

Harley Quinn... .first of all thank you so much for your reply, its good to get another perspective, also for your compliments about me living up to my name. I must admit though, at times my strength is tested to the limit as I long for my ex friend's presence, her vibrancy, her amazing sexuality, in my life again... .and am so tempted to try and make contact.  But... .I resist, I really have to work at it but I do.  The main way I do it is to look back at notes I took in a diary during the relationship, reminding myself how miserable I was at times, how I wanted out more than once in the 13 months.  I'm sure you are right that this will get easier and seem like the right choice over time, but that time is moving slowly right now and I am still in the grieving phase, although this was my choice.

You asked about my previous BPD girlfriend, this was a very intense relationship, also with a European woman, which lasted 2.5 years.  We lived together for about 6 months and also had many great and exciting times.  But when I moved out from her place in Switzerland, I felt as free as I have ever felt in my life... .interesting that this with the latest individual, I also felt my freedom slowly being gnawed away and wanted to get it back.  With the first gf, the main difference was the frequency of "episodes", at least monthly, and some involving some loss of touch with reality.  With the 2nd, the episodes were much less frequent, meaning I didn't recognize what I was dealing with for a long time, or would forget... until it happened in the last terrible 8 days together on our Euroepan trip.

The question as to why I chose two BPD women (one is a coincidence, two is a trend :-) is a good one and a subject of therapy now.  I know that BPD women are exciting, thrilling for me actually and I seem to need that for reasons related to my past.  Its important that, instead of trying to run back to my ex now, I resist and work on this stuff.  Not easy to do but... .essential... .I'll keep you posted!  Thanks again and bless you for being who you are.  It matters!