Doesn’t want me to say I love him

[Calmcollected]

I have been with my boyfriend for two years.

We did break up last year for four months, but were together everyday regardless. We operate a contracting business together. I broke up with him because a woman had started harassing me because she wanted to date him. He is good looking and has a quiet charisma that people are drawn to.

He is very kind and empathetic with other people, but his anger does come out with me. It’s not abusive towards me, but he blows up over small things. I realized last year that he has PTSD from losing two children in a house fire.

Earlier this year after he had slowly been withdrawing affection I asked why he didn’t tell me he loved me. Was it because he thought I wouldn’t help him with his business anymore? He said that wasn’t it, he does love me, but I’m going to leave him like all the rest.

I’m a former nurse and worked in mental health. I thought of the possibility of borderline personality disorder, but after a Dr’s visit last week I told her what I had been going through with him, I wanted a referral for counselling with the option of getting him there too. She also presented the idea of a personality disorder. I heavily researched it this week and realized this is what it is, he hits every mark except for the self harm and suicide.

With the knowledge of the PTSD I’ve changed my approach and the anger has gone down considerably. His son who hadn’t spoken to him for a year has said he has changed. Friends of his have said the wind would blow and he would get angry and aldo said since he has met me he is calmer and less angry. When he gets angry, he would storm off, but now he will stay and talk through his feelings. Sometimes it escalates, but most times it’s better.

The whole point of this post is this. When I tell him I love him, sometimes he accepts it, but most of the time he will say “whatever” sometimes call me a liar and today he said to stop saying it.

What do I do? Do I stop or just keep telling him?

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[Skip]

Earlier this year after he had slowly been withdrawing affection I asked why he didn’t tell me he loved me. Was it because he thought I wouldn’t help him with his business anymore? He said that wasn’t it, he does love me, but I’m going to leave him like all the rest.

So do you think that he feels vulnerable and frightened by being in love - insecure attachment is a big part of fear of abandonment. When fear becomes phobia, you go to extremes to avoid the the loss.

Many people thing the way to dear with fear of abandonment is to say you won't abandon - but really the issues is more about connecting too strongly to you and then getting hurt.

Could this be it?

What do you think. If it is, it will give you some direction for working through issues here.

[Calmcollected]

I know he loves me. I can feel it in the things he does. For example. He bought a place, we gutted and redid the kitchen, I wanted a window sill installed for plants when we replaced the window. He said he was t going to do it, but the next day when I came out, he had built one. He doesn’t have a lot of money, doesn’t get me gifts, but he builds me things. I mentioned one day I had always wanted a shelter over the barbecue, it was built the next day. I’m the first one he comes to for anything, if something good happens or if something bad. One of our staff had said to me one day that he loves me. He is different when I come around. But there is the push pull. We get a couple of steps forward, and then we go back. I come from a super loving family where we would always touch, hug and kiss each other. I don’t want to be too much for him. Yesterday I went over and I usually buy groceries in bulk and freeze them. I had grabbed butter and some meat out of the freezer to take home because I had nothing. He asked what I was doing and told him. He was driving me home and he was really silent. I asked what was wrong and he said “this is it then” I explained that I wasn’t leaving, I loved him and I just needed food for myself because money is tight right now. Yesterday was the aha moment where I realized he is constantly thinking that. We had an argument last week because his kids are disfunctional as well. No matter what I do for them, and they are adults, they hate me. They went on Facebook and started bashing me and calling me a psycho ___. When he and I are together and on our own 95% of the time it is calm and wonderful. The next day after they did that, I went to a dinner party at a friends house and let him know. His response was “have fun on your date” I replied I loved him and only him. There was no other.

[isilme]

Here's another thought to add to what Skip wrote, if it helps.

H often does not feel loveable.  His feelings = his facts.  At times he's said he believes that somehow in his past, maybe even as a small child, he did something so terrible to make his family dislike him or hate him.  Even if this is not fact, even though overall he is a nice compassionate man (yes, even in spite of how awful he can be in the throes of dysregulation), his feelings = his facts, and especially his facts AT THAT TIME.  

So, if he is feeling unlovable, and I say I love him, I am invalidating his feeling, trying to start a fight by doing so, or seen as playing some sort of game, maybe out to hurt him.  Also, if I say I love him, and he feels like this, he is more uncomfortable saying he loves me, because that DOES invite rejection and abandonment.  He has a very hard time understanding that I can have my own feelings that are separate and operate independent of his - so even if HE feels unlovable, I can still love him.  A pwBPD, in my opinion, kinda latches onto their SO, and you become an appendage of some sort.  This is why we get to see the loud, angry, sometimes crazy rages, the moodiness, and all the emotional turmoil they can be so good at hiding from most other people.  We are part of them by the time they feel they can let all that bee seen.  In a way, I supposed it means you really ARE closest to them, even though the expression is far from ideal.  I kinda see all the negative feelings thrown my way as a reflection of how sad and angry he actually feels inside - it's pretty sad if you look at it that way.

Also, if he has determined that his fear of abandonment is genuine, then any protestations I am not going to leave are also invalidating, and seen as lies.  

I find words don't usually help much with BPD communication.  It's far too easy at sensitive times to invalidate accidentally when trying to be reassuring, and talking about feelings gets really muddy.  I find actions are more useful at showing intent, a simple holding of hands or a quick hug does more than statements of how much you love him.  We've all been told communication is finding magic words to make everyone happy and fully understand each other, but body language, keeping promises over a long period, being consistent in your treatment of the pqBPD speak at greater volumes than words usually do.

[isilme]

H makes comments like that, too, sideways accusing me of planning to cheat.

Did you invite him to join you at the dinner party? 

[Calmcollected]

Thank you so much! This makes sense. I do invite him to things, but he often has feelings of inadequacy. My friend is a colonel and his wife. It’s a man he admires, but feels out of their league.
I guess I have been doing the right thing. I’m always there when he or his 16 year old son need me. I’m the constant. His last three relationships they cheated on him. Wife was and is an alcoholic that abuses prescription pills. He had some custody of their two children. Had nothing to do with them. I gave his son his first birthday cake and party at 14. He and I get along 99% of the time, but he is hormonal and we have spats, but I’m the one he calls when he really needs someone and can’t get ahold of his dad. 2nd last girlfriend cheated on him too, I confirmed this with an outside source, and his last girlfriend was bipolar and CPTSD. Taking family photos in June 2014, and moved in with another guy by October. He once told me his kids wouldn’t allow him to be happy. Youngest daughter assaulted one of his exes and had to be sent to the mothers. His cousin said she was awful and destructive with his relationships. He has a 33 year old son from when he was 17 that he raised that I believe is a sociopath. Not glibly either. I was involved through nursing in a pilot study on sociopaths and psychopaths for two years. I know the signs. He is a coke dealer. We hired him this summer because his dad wanted to get him out of that life. He would lie about his hours, try to “run” the business behind our back with detrimental effects. I.e placing ads for employees and showing up with them. Convincing his dad to hire his buddies. It put us in debt $30,000. He called me a ___ing ___ on the job site when I was speaking to one of his friends about payroll. Little did he know that one of the employees had worked for me at another business for 5 years and I have been friends with his mother for 25. He worked one day with his son. They tried to sell him come. His son talked about how he would purposely cause fights between his ex wife and last two girlfriends to get rid of them and it worked. He was going to do it with me too. He said he enjoyed making it hell for his dad. Our other employees that have been with us for two years confirmed this. It took a lot, I didn’t push it, but he finally fired his son. I get along with 3 out of five of his kids. So on top of the PTSD, BPD, I’m desling with this as well. He and his oldest son have had a volatile relationship. They didn’t speak for a period of 4 years and 1 year when I first met my boyfriend. Last year someone sent us screen shots of him messaging a sub contractor we were working with that we would “burn them” if we did business with them and rip them off. I know through friends that are in law enforcement he is being heavily investigated and part of a large network that they will take down. Because of previous crimes and charges, he will be gone for a long time. His dad expressed the other day he wishes he would go to jail, he needs a lesson. He goes t realize it will do nothing for him.

[Calmcollected]

He also said to me once that his heart knows I love him, but his head won’t let him believe.

[Chosen]

When I tell him I love him, sometimes he accepts it, but most of the time he will say “whatever” sometimes call me a liar and today he said to stop saying it.

This happens with my uBPDh sometimes, and I think when he says this, he couldn't feel love from me.  E.g. He felt that I was invalidating, he was painting me black, and therefore me saying "I love you" didn't match with his emotional picture of me at that time.  While nons can combine experiences and still feel an ongoing emotion (e.g. during back times we can look back on the good and see the bigger picture), pwBPDs are unable to do so, and therefore if at that moment they can't feel love, it means you don't love them and it is a lie and invalidating to them if you keep repeating to them you love them. 

I find that he can't be reasoned with at those times.  He does know I love him, but he couldn't feel it then, so I tend to just ignore his comments (or validate whatever can be validated) and not repeat "I love you" until he is no longer stuck in that "paint her black" hole.

[Calmcollected]

These boards are helping me so much. The difference in communication and his reaction is amazing. Affection that has been withdrawn is returning.