BPD with MIL and DIL relationships

[TDeer]

If MIL / DIL relationships are already tense due to various factors including control, power struggles, etc. What is the antidote?

I realize that giving up control is easier for some that for others. I am a "deep feeler", kind of person and I have a hard time letting things go.

On the flip side, I'm typically very forgiving, but forgiveness and reconciliation are two very different things.

Then there's the point where the husband and wife need to stick together and be "on the same page", especially with a BPD MIL who vacillates between covert and overt narcissistic and manipulations and to the other extreme of various tantrums. I don't trust her due to her tendency to attempt to manipulate and that lack of moral compass.

Is a "healthy" relationship even possible with a BPD MIL and any DIL? I suppose our relationship wasn't "healthy" before the devaluation and "painting black" happened either.

It can be very difficult not to get fixated on how you're treated when any MIL is manipulative and tries to create tensions in your marriage.

It can be even more difficult when your husband doesn't always see it.

[Highlander]

Hi TDeer,

I can feel for you.  I too am the victim of a BPD MIL. 

I wish I had a solution but I don't.  It took many years, but I am grateful that my H finally saw his mother for what she was but the years leading up to that point have left scars for us both.

In order to reduce gaslighting and lies being said about what I had apparently did or said to her, I would try and ensure I was never alone with her... .and I never answered the phone to her... .but this only led to me apparently being rude... .mind you... .I'd rather be 'rude' than be accused of doing and saying things I would never do. 

For us, we recognised that her BPD traits came out more when she had been drinking alcohol or we had spent a number of days with her.  So we made a conscious effort to set boundaries. 

Thankfully we don't live near her, so there were no unplanned, nor regular visits (mind you, we did not live near her because it was advised by my husband's T's to live as far away from her as possible! and I know this is not uncommon - I have read many stories on this forum of moving far enough away from Mum's just to have an excuss for reduced contact). 

And we never visited her because we couldn't ask her to refrain from drinking in her own home but when she came to visit us, we told her our home was alcohol free and we had a 2 night limit on stays.  Thankfully, this very boundary meant she refrained from visiting us often at all and there were times when H had to disappear when talking to her over the phone to ensure that she didn't know that we had other guests (like my parents) that were allowed to stay indefinitely AND drink alcohol around us.  Also he never picked up the phone to her late in the afternoon or onwards to avoid talking to her whilst she was drinking.

This worked for a number of years, albeit, we were aware that she was telling people that it was all my fault and I was controlling her son and the reason behind the restrictions.  Little did she know that it was my H's T's idea for him to have no contact with his mother at all and I was the one to fight his t's to try the above LC strategies!

Unfortunately, we couldn't avoid this forever and for complicated family reasons, we ended up having to spend a great deal of time with her in her home.  The attacks on me began immediately and eventually after much patience and walking on eggshells on my behalf, I did the inexcusable... .I stuck up for myself and this time I was not going to apologise for something I didn't do just to create peace.

My H and I tried to work things out with her over the phone.  This time we recorded it (it is legal in my country and region where I was).  This ended up being the best therapy my H has ever had.  Since then he has gone NC with her so this recording is the last conversation he had with her and he often listens to it in order to reduce any doubts he may have (ie: was I too hard  on her? etc etc).  After listening to the recordings, he always says "No.  She is toxic". 

We were on loud speaker and at one point she became aware that he had left the room.  Within minutes of him returning she was swearing blind to him that I had said something to her when he wasn't there.  The recording was proof - she was caught out... .and she didn't like it one bit. 

I have little advice for you on how to make it work but can say that those years when we were able to restrict being around her and her triggers it seemed to be the most peaceful.  The 'no phone contact' with her also worked a treat.  It reduced the circumstances whereby she could manipulate or make things up about what I had said.

Also, when ever an incident occurred, I was often able to quote to my H some research material on BPD mothers and how it's common for them to despise their children's partners and use gaslighting and triangulation to try and attempt to break up the relationship.  He'd read through the material and say... ."That's exactly what my mother has done" and recognise that she had never approved of any relationship he had ever had, even before me (and we met when he was turning 30).

Best of luck,
TDeer.

I really feel for you.  It's certainly not easy being the DIL of a BPD MIL!

[Struggles]

Hi TDeer,

I’m so sorry you are going through this with your MIL.  

Mine and Highlanders Situations are very similar.

My MIl has always had BPD traits, but have escalated with her abuse of pills.  This past year has been especially bad, so we were low contact, but now are no contact.  

My husbands family and myself have always let her have her rage fits and then let her go back to normal, no apology or recognition of what she had done.  Go along to get along.  Peacemakers and ultimately knowing that if we held her accountable things would just get worse.  The only problem with that is it gets worse either way.  

Our whole family has started setting boundaries in some way or another because of recent events.  The other siblings are a medium chill, we are no contact, and my FIL just is at a loss and doesn’t know what to do.  

When we finally stood up for ourselves my MIL blamed me, and that’s when the lies about me started.  She made up an elaborate story of me having an affair and using drugs.  This hurt me so bad and it still does.  I am so thankful that my family knows this is a lie.  I couldn’t imagine what it would have been like if they believed it.  

I just cannot fathom how someone can be so manipulative and cruel.

I think what Highlander did with not being alone with her or having conversations with her MIL without someone around was incredibly smart.  In the past we also had to record phone calls because the same problem, her lying about things that were said.  

When you see someone is capable of lies, it’s a way you protect yourself.  Making sure there are witnesses so things can’t be twisted around.  

I also don’t have much advice, but just wanted to let you know you aren’t alone.

Keep us posted, we are here for you.  Sending you lots of good vibes and hope for resolution.