Daughter has cut all communication with me. what should I do?

[Sadmom7]

My 19 year old daughter went away to college.  She seemed to be doing ok.  Although she stop taking her meds the summer before she left.  She was diagnosed with bipolar 2 and/or Bdp while she was in high school.  She has been hospitalized 3 times and we did 4 months of intensive Dbt therapy.  She was a cutter and cut for three years. Both her father and I participated in the therapy although we are divorced.  She seemed to be doing much better and continued in one on one therapy on and off.  She lived with her father the last two years of high school after she called CPS on me several time.  She claimed I was abusive and I made her cut.  I was blamed for all of her problems Eventually the CPS case worker said she had to live with her father although my younger daughter continued living with me. I worked very hard to maintain a relationship with her during her last two years of high school and her first semester in college. I thought things were going well.  Then one day she called and said she was going to drop out of college because she had stoped turning in assignments and was going to fail all her classes. We talked many times and she decided to take her finals and then come home for winter break. She came home and talked about going back to college and retaking classes. She seemed anxious but ok. Then about a week ago she came to visit and told me that she was dropping out on college and going to get two part time jobs, she accused me of wreaking her life because I had not let her "fail" while she was in high school so now she had no skills.  I was shocked. And I think I screwed up badly by not really listening to what she was saying I told her to go back to college and that she was making a big mistake. I did not yell I just expressed sadness and shock. I talked about her going to a community college instead. She eventually told me that I had no control over her and that she was not taking my money anymore so she was going to do all this 
alone and I would have no more say in her life. I told her I loved her and would support her in whatever she decided to do. She went to talk to her 15 year old sister. I thought she would come back into the kitchen to continue talking to me. But instead she left. After that night she had refused to answer my phone calls and ignores my text messages. She has also stopped talking to her grandparents ( my parents) and siblings.  I am devestated I don't know what happened or why she won't talk to me.  I don't know what I said or did. I have called and texted messages were I apologize for upsetting her and telling her that I love her and want to support her in whatever she is doing. But she so far has ignored me   I fear I will never again be a part of her life.  She is living with her father and step mother. Both her father and step mother claim that I am the problem, that I am crazy and that I have ruined My daughters life.  Her step mother and my daughter spend time trash talking me in front of my other daughter to the extent that my 15 year old daughter now does not want to go over to her fathers every other weekend anymore. I don't know what to do. Please help me choose how to handle this situation. Do I keep trying to talk to my daughter or do I back off and let her be.  How do I accept that she may never talk to me again?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[beady]

I am by no means an expert, but my 34yo uDD has not been to visit us for over a year and refuses to answer any communications except via e-mail from my husband. And we all know how unforgiving e-mail can be... .not able to convey nuances of spoken language so it's open to all kinds of misinterpretations. So, our psychologist has advised us to not send her e-mails, except for very important info, and then to keep it short and sweet... .only the facts.
It's very hard to do, as we all love our children. But a recent e-mail from my daughter made it very clear that she has no emotional connection with us, nor ever has. We have been subjected to the usual accusations BPD children make. My advise, from experience, is to not force your daughter to communicate. She needs her space and has removed herself from you. My survival technique for this is to see and treat my daughter as not my daughter, but the daughter of a friend down the road. That way, I don't force advice and emotional conversations on my daughter. It is up to your daughter to make the move to come back to you. You've made it clear that you are there for her if she needs you, and there's nothing more for you to do but play the difficult waiting game. She needs you, she just hasn't figured that out yet.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Sadmom7,



My heart goes out to you. You are in a painful situation, and I can understand your sadness and worry.    You've come to the right place for support, as members here have been where you are, and understand what you are going through. You are definitely not alone.

How long has it been since your daughter stopped communicating with you?

In my experience, all is not lost. Your daughter may start communicating again with you after some time. She may have felt rejected or unheard and decided to cut you off. But things can change again, when her feelings are more balanced.

Do you have a good support system, Sadmom7? Whom can you turn to when things get really tough?

heartandwhole

[Sadmom7]

Thank you both for your replays. I feel less alone.

 My daughter has not spoken to me for two weeks but seems like years.  She has never cut me or someone else off like this. I love her so much.  The first week I called her every day and texted her that I loved her but this last week I have stoped.  She is communicated with be three times sort of. She texted me demanding her shot cards from when she was a baby. She gave me ten days to give them to my 15 year old daughter to give them to her or she would "pursue legal action against me". I gave the shot cards to her father.  Then she has texted my 15 year old twice asking my 15 year old to tell me something. Both times my 15 year old told me but texted back that my BPD daughter needs to tell to be directly. 

This is having a terrible toll on my 15 year old. She is ready to block her sisters number.  Both myself and my 15 year old are seeing a counselor. So I do have that support. Also my parents, brother and four close friends are aware of these latest development and offer me support. My daughter has two close girlfriends who she can talk to about this. 

I also have two older children a daughter who is 30 and a son who is 28. My son calls me or I call him every other day. My 30 year old daughter just doesnt want to be involved in this outgoing drama and refuses to talk about her  BPD sister. I Am worried about my 15 year old and my son.  They both used to be close to my BPD daughter. But they both want to just cut her out of the family now. They tell me to forget I ever had her and move on.  The last 5 years of my 15 year olds life her sister whom she used to be very close too have been  turbulent and the  roller coaster ride of living with soneone with BPD.  She says she is done with her sister and doesn't want to see it talk to her anymore she is tired of the drama and lies.  My parents who are 88 and 85 are upset and afraid they have lost a granddaughter.

I feel like I really screwed up and did not handle or do the right thing with my BPD daughter and I don't know how to fix it. I guess we will all just have to wait and see if she starts talking to us again. It is so hard and I know her father and step mother blame me think I am crazy and the cause of all my daughters problems and encourage her not to talk to me.

[Scout206]

Oh gosh, I was writing a reply and it flew away somewhere so if it shows up, sorry to repeat myself.  I am new at this too.   My 30 year old daughter cut off communication with me (Mom) and her brother in June 2016.   We had never been through anything remotely like this although she's been difficult to deal with for many years.    Quite by accident, a few weeks ago, I remembered she had once mentioned Dialectic Behavior Therapy when talking about the counselor she was seeing.   I started reading about it and what it is used to treat and backed into realizing that my daughter has many, many  BD traits.   This was only a few weeks ago.  I read 3 books over New Year's weekend and ordered more.   Learning about her disorder filled me with a combination of relief and fear.   I am thankful that at least I am not totally in the dark anymore and that she apparently is getting appropriate counseling.  I have over the past few weeks, found support and information on this site.  I am trying to learn effective communication skills in the hope that I may once again have a relationship with her.  I didn't think I was going to make it when she cut off communication and I vacillated between severe depression, anger and hopelessness. - so much darkness.  What helped me was accepting that I could not understand or change the situation and getting myself involved in activities to distract me - I literally has to force myself to do this.  I took a yoga class, started mad beading projects, read books and got into ceramics.   I have been doing ceramics for over a year now and I really enjoy it.   I have also had two major surgeries since she has been gone and have had to work hard to rehab my body back to a workable state.   I too am grieving for my other child who's heart is so broken that he can only survive right now by being extremely angry.   He doesn't want to hear about BD and so for now, I have to learn what I can for both of us.   So my message to you is, I understand how you feel - the desperation, the sadness.  Two weeks does feel like years.   You feel like you may not make it but you will.   For starters, I have found the Tools listed in the right margin to be very helpful and I hope you will too.   Hang in there Sadmom7.  You are not alone in this.

[cocopho]

Yikes, my reply also flew off the page!
I guess the gist of my response would be the following:

LOVE YOURSELF
MAINTAIN SELF-ESTEEM
DO NOT GIVE IN TO GRIEF.

Staying strong for yourself and those who do support and care for you is the best thing by far.
Excellent Self care and great self-esteem will certainly help to draw your loved one back into your life. A lot faster than anger or self-pity.
 Been there, done that.
EVERYONE, including our BPD children, young and old, loves a winner.
Really, a fine sense of self can send a very sound and important message.
It can speak volumes!
Therefore, remember to take the best possible care of your own health and happiness, in spite of the inequities and challenges put forth by your beloved child.
It is a message that does get them interested in reinventing the relationship.
Stay strong!

[Soc]

My 19 year old daughter went away to college.  She seemed to be doing ok.  Although she stop taking her meds the summer before she left.  She was diagnosed with bipolar 2 and/or Bdp while she was in high school.  She has been hospitalized 3 times and we did 4 months of intensive Dbt therapy.  She was a cutter and cut for three years. Both her father and I participated in the therapy although we are divorced.  She seemed to be doing much better and continued in one on one therapy on and off.  She lived with her father the last two years of high school after she called CPS on me several time.  She claimed I was abusive and I made her cut.  I was blamed for all of her problems Eventually the CPS case worker said she had to live with her father although my younger daughter continued living with me. I worked very hard to maintain a relationship with her during her last two years of high school and her first semester in college. I thought things were going well.  Then one day she called and said she was going to drop out of college because she had stoped turning in assignments and was going to fail all her classes. We talked many times and she decided to take her finals and then come home for winter break. She came home and talked about going back to college and retaking classes. She seemed anxious but ok. Then about a week ago she came to visit and told me that she was dropping out on college and going to get two part time jobs, she accused me of wreaking her life because I had not let her "fail" while she was in high school so now she had no skills.  I was shocked. And I think I screwed up badly by not really listening to what she was saying I told her to go back to college and that she was making a big mistake. I did not yell I just expressed sadness and shock. I talked about her going to a community college instead. She eventually told me that I had no control over her and that she was not taking my money anymore so she was going to do all this 
alone and I would have no more say in her life. I told her I loved her and would support her in whatever she decided to do. She went to talk to her 15 year old sister. I thought she would come back into the kitchen to continue talking to me. But instead she left. After that night she had refused to answer my phone calls and ignores my text messages. She has also stopped talking to her grandparents ( my parents) and siblings.  I am devestated I don't know what happened or why she won't talk to me.  I don't know what I said or did. I have called and texted messages were I apologize for upsetting her and telling her that I love her and want to support her in whatever she is doing. But she so far has ignored me   I fear I will never again be a part of her life.  She is living with her father and step mother. Both her father and step mother claim that I am the problem, that I am crazy and that I have ruined My daughters life.  Her step mother and my daughter spend time trash talking me in front of my other daughter to the extent that my 15 year old daughter now does not want to go over to her fathers every other weekend anymore. I don't know what to do. Please help me choose how to handle this situation. Do I keep trying to talk to my daughter or do I back off and let her be.  How do I accept that she may never talk to me again?

Im in a similar situation, I dont know whether or not to back off or keep trying either. I have backed off a bit,but it took 10 days to get an answer from my daughter.

I know this doesnt help but most of us dont have a clue as to why the BPD child does this. In their eyes we are always to blame. Try backing off a bit, and let her come to you. Each day seems like an eternity.

There is good advice on here, and on Quora.com as well, plus youtube and many other places around the internet.

Ill be praying for you.

God Bless