BPD fiancée moved out- angry

[RollerMom75]

I am not sure if my posts are being posted, so I apologize if I’m reposting. My fiancée who has BPD has been gone for 10 days.weve been together for 14 months living together for the past year with our 2 young boys. We are/were a family.  He has had a rough 4 months. Been hospitalized twice for SI/HI. New psychiatrists every time putting him on new meds. Was finally in intensive DBT for 6 days a week and overall making progress. Then he stopped taking his anti-depressant abruptly, and his insurance had a high deductible so he couldn’t afford to keep going in the new year. He was on ADA for work but they weren’t accommodating him the way he wanted. Unfortunately I had become sick and stopped taking care of myself so I had definitely been making things worse by getting sucked into his emotions, not wanting to give him space, reacting to his anger. Lately our kids have been causing him stress. So this all came to a big dramatic goodbye when 10 days ago he asked for his guns back and I refused to tell him where they were. He got angry and moved out- across the country back to his moms. The night before he left he said he was still in love with me, but he didn’t think he could ever meet my expectations. We had just started trying to have a baby and I found out I’m pregnant the same day he left. As advised by his therapist, I called the police the night he left to do a welfare check. He became angry and swearing at me when he found out I called the cops. He told me to leave him alone and he’s never coming back. His typical pattern is to be angry for a day or 2, then apologize. This seems more extreme. I’ve given him space for 10 days with no contact. I want to check in with him to see how he’s doing and to see if he’s thought about the pregnancy. I’m willing to work with him and FaceTime my appointments or go visit him in a few months with our boys. I now know I have to work on myself so I don’t get caught up in all of this. I hope he has found a therapy program out there but I don’t know. Is the best thing now to give it more time and send a gentle message saying I’m here when he wants to talk?

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[heartandwhole]

Hi RollerMom75,

I'm sorry to hear that your fiancé left. That is so painful. :)oes he know you are pregnant?

It sounds like he hasn't been able to regulate his emotional state very well lately. I think giving him some time to rebalance is a good move. In the meantime, you can take good care of yourself and think about what you want and need going forward.

Do you have a good support system around you? Friends and family whom you can lean on? It's so important to rally as much support around as you can.

I don't think there is anything wrong with reaching out after some time. I'd just give yourself enough time to feel solid in what you really need from him going forward, as you are now bringing a new person into this dynamic.  

heartandwhole

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Is the best thing now to give it more time and send a gentle message saying I’m here when he wants to talk?

Ending this on a good note and giving him space is a good idea. How did the last communication? Will it suffice? He has to return to baseline and it will most likely happen quicker if there is no pressure.

Going through this and discovering your pregnancy is a lot to handle. Our hearts are with you.

How old are your children? How are they taking this?

[RollerMom75]

Thanks for your responses- they were helpful. Our boys are 6 and 9 and having a really rough time. Both of them are starting therapy now too. This is really painful no doubt and I’m trying really hard to focus on myself right now. I did tell my fiancée I was pregnant in a voicemail which isn’t ideal since he was already really angry and in a dysregulated state. He just responded that “he’s never coming back”. He may have cooled off by now but I’m not sure. I think I’ll give him another week or 2 before I make contact. Thanks for listening