Feel heart broken and overwhelmed

[Irish_Kath]

I feel so broken hearted because I feel so overwhelmed with my adult son who has the same symptoms as his father who was diagnosed BPD.  I believe he has BPD as he blows up unexpectedly, can't regulate his emotions which are overwhelmingly intense. Swings from hating me with such intensity to seemingly loving, is overwhelmed with self hatred, suffers terribly with depression and anxiety often wishing to die, seriously abusing alcohol and pot, is self destructive and as much as my heart breaks for him, I get so overwhelmed by his aggression and hatefulness and intimdating aggression. I love him but I feel sad because I know he fears abandonment and he will turn to me for emotional support and then he will become so hateful and aggressive.  It gets overwhelming and I feel badly that I sometimes feel like I hate my own son.  I love him, he is a big hearted gentle soul and I love him dearly but sometimes like now I feel so sad because I feel as though I have to keep him at a huge distance from him

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi Kath,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I totally feel your pain. I've been struggling to find the right balance of contact with my daughter. I miss her horribly but our interactions are often so exhausting. Do you have support from a knowledgeable therapist for youtself? I have found that to be extremely helpful.  Also be kind to yourself. There is only so much we can do or say. Nothing will take away his hurt except him doing the work with a good therapist.  Have you tried simply validating his feelings "you sound like you feel really alone." without offering advice? Read the tools and lessons linked on here they can be very helpful. Sending you lots of hugs

[qcarolr]

Hi Kath 

I so can feel your pain. I have struggled in similar ways with my DD31. She was dx'd with BPD when she was 23. That is when I found this site. It has been a journey and recently things have moved in a much more positive direction with her. She stopped using drugs about a year ago and most of the violent raging and blaming with me is gone. She still struggles greatly with loneliness and her abandonment fears. She is living in another state since last March and has not made many friends. It is mostly just her, bf and now a 7 week old son. We have visited several times in the past 6 months and it has gone pretty well.

What created this change? What was my part in this? How did DD change to make this possible?

I worked hard over the past 8 years, starting with finding this site in 2009. I worked through the tools and lessons. I read books. I got personal support with therapy, finding a faith community, going to Al Anon group where there were a lot of other parents, participating in several support groups... .It is an ongoing process of growth. At some point in the past 3-4 years I became able to make a commitment with myself to love DD no matter what, to let her know this through what emotional, physical, financial support I was able to give, and to do my best to be consistent with values-based boundaries. I am more mindful and calm in general and grateful to God for finding peace in the midst of chaos. I also know it will continue to be a process since life keeps moving on. It does not stand still. I need all my supporters available. My marriage has also grown stronger during this period.

DD was able to participate in two programs for drug rehab/mental health recovery. She has been exposed to detox, rehab, recovery over the years, but never seemed to learn much. When she ended up in jail for fight with bf in 2016, I bailed her out and she went immediately to mental health crisis center. This time she seemed to gain some perspective from these experiences. She was still using drugs though. She and her bf wanted to get away from the influences of the homeless community they were a part of for many years. They moved to another state and have been successful with staying away from drugs. This also means staying away from most people in their early 30's age group. They are gradually finding clean and sober friends. I am very hopeful. It is a long process for her too, with lots of ups and downs. Using drugs gets in the way for improvement and growth. That was her first step forward.

There is always hope. Keep coming back. Share your story. We will listen, we do care.

carol

[Irish_Kath]

Thank you both qcarolr - Carol and hyacinth bucket for your replies.  I am truly very grateful.  I came here, just the other day feeling desperate, lost, alone in my heart and now I feel incredibly hopeful and appreciative of your support, your suggestions and for this site. 

I don't know how to respond to a post one at a time, so am including both of you in my post here.  I am so very grateful for your support, your empathy and for your suggestions, which I find to be invaluable.  I believe this site will be an incredible resource to which I am also very grateful.

Reaching out to this site was my first step.  I have been sensing to be in touch with a therapist who deals with this kind of stuff, which I will also do.  I am alone and have felt alone in my struggle.  Recently, I have connected up to a church, but have also been thinking I should connect back with Alanon.  I will most definitely begin working through all the tools and lessons, reading what ever it takes.

Bucket, I love how you say... ."I am more mindful and calm in general and grateful to God for the peace in the midst of chaos" and how you at one point found you could make a commitment to love and support your DD, no matter what, having learned so many tools to include "value based boundaries".  I am really looking forward to learning about that.  I have hope and feel grateful to have connected into this site and to some wonderful people.

I will keep coming back, continue to share my story and thank you for caring