Husband has had multiple affairs - is there hope for change?

[Healng2018]

I just discovered that My husband of 20 years has had another round of affairs or attempted affairs in the last 3 months.  He signed up for 2 hook-up sites, connected with an old girlfriend and had a day of sex, and tried to engage a mutual friend in an sexual affair.

He has had various affairs thru our marriage - usually 3-6 years apart.  When caught, he feels bad and stops... .but then something happens and the brhsvior occurs again.

I love him and want him to cahnge, but don’t want to go thru this again in another 3-5 years when i will be in my 60’s.

Advise on whether change is possible for a BPD and anyone who has had similar circumstances would be helpful.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

Hello Healng2018, your situation sound very painful.  I am sorry you facing such a hurtful situation.  You've found a supportive community here.  We can help you learn tools to understand and cope with issues in a BPD relationship.

Can you tell us a little bit more about your situation and your husband's behaviors?  How long have you felt he had BPD?  How did you come to realize it?  What behaviors in your relationship are the most problematic?

Can you also tell us if your husband is currently in therapy or ever has been?

WW

[Healng2018]

Desr Wentworth:

My husband has been treated for bipolar for 15 years, with infrequent therapy, mostly drugs.  Therapty has been limited for over 20 years as he Says it is too easy to predict what the therapist wants and to manipulate them.

He does not have many male friends and mostly tries to connect sith women.  We have 3 daughters who are now 29,30,32... .and whom he has either extremely close, or very agitated/angry relationships with depending on how they have responded to his needs.

 After discoveri g his most recent affairs, i gave hi the opportunity to explain. The primary affiar explanation was that his old girlfriend had a “spell” on him Nd that he thought about her either every few months or frequently over the last 25 years that we have been together. When i asked him if he loveed her, her said no... .and that when they did get together the wasn’t even that good. (Go figure).

I encountered the idea of boderline as i researched online to try to make sense of what had been occurring over our life.  I came across a List from BPDCentral.com that giave a list of around 30-35 symptoms and found that his behavior fit around 25-28.  I shared the list with one of our daughters to see if i was just imagining, and she selected all the same traits ( except the sexual acting out since I have never told them).

I have always rushed to accept his apologies in the past (6 that ia k iw of and have confronted himBout) , but i am now almost 58. Even of they are just intermitent of evry 3-7years, I do not wNt do endure snother hesrtbreak or risk exposure to disease... .plus, i do not want to have the financial risk of divorse in my 6’s.

All the Practical aspects aside, i a, not sure i can endure anothernmajor heartbreak... .and do not want to live out the rest ofmy life wondering about his fidelity or living with his continuous anger.

[Radcliff]

Healng2018, I'm sorry for the slow reply, I've been a little under the weather.  I'm about 10 years behind you in age, and in the ages of my three daughters.  Life in your house must have been rather exciting when you had an infant, a 1 year-old, and a 3 year-old!  Our hardest point was when we had a 1-year old and a 3 year-old.  We had to wait four more years to be ready for the third!

You asked about how this turns out.  For certain, you can learn more about BPD, "connect the dots" and help make many of the previous decades' hurts and frustrations seem less arbitrary and confusing.  It sounds like you have already started this learning.  Have you read any books, like "Stop Walking on Eggshells?"

Also, for certain, you can learn some coping tools here to make it easier to live with BPD behaviors.  Some people find that these improvements get them to a point where things are fine.  Some do not.  But it makes sense to learn them and see how far it can take you.  As you read books and study coping tools here, you may find that over the years you've figured some of it out for yourself.  You should pat yourself on the back for that.  But undoubtedly, there will be more to learn that can help.

You are not going to be able to force your husband to stop his BPD behaviors.  One of the things we learn here is that we can only control our own behaviors.  But that does not mean there is not hope.  It is important to understand that effective treatments do exist now for BPD, and some of our members have loved ones in treatment.  You might be interested in this page which discusses Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder and includes a 45-minute video.

In day-to-day life what are a couple of your husbands behaviors that weigh most heavily on you?  Can you give us some detail about how they express themselves, what he does, and what you do?

WW

[DaddyBear77]

Hi Healng2018,

I wanted to reach out and also welcome you to the family here. I'm glad you found us.

I also wanted to say how sorry I am that this has been the pattern for you for so long. One thing that continues to strike me as I read more and more stories is that things seem to happen in cycles. For example, I seem to be experiencing a 7-9 year cycle with my uBPDw (undiagnosed BPD wife). In the last cycle, she expressed a longing for an ex-boyfriend, and stepped out of our marriage for a period of time while she explored these feelings. To this day I still struggle with feelings of hurt and jealousy from this time period. I'm also starting to see the cycle repeat again, so it's certainly a real thing. I thought I'd validate that for you at least, even though its not easy at all. I am so sorry.

I also wanted to mention that your concern about diseases and other risks associated with the affairs is a very valid point. Before my wife and I resumed any sexual activity at all, we were both fully tested. I think that's a very sensible precaution. Is that something you've discussed?

Anyway, I hope things are going ok. I'm wondering how things are going for you this past week? Please share an update with us when you can.

[Perdita]

Hello Healing 2018,

I haven't been with my bf as long as you've been with your husband. All I can tell you is 5 years into it his emotional affairs show no end in sight. I just caught him messaging his ex again and according to him they "ran into each other" a couple of days ago (they split up 8 years ago). My fear is that it will turn sexual now that she dumped her husband in search of excitement.

The cheating cycle for him is on average every 3 months. Often involving a double hit. His ex and his crush.

So does it get better?  I think the fact that your husband has repeated the pattern throughout your marriage answers the question. It's very painful, I know. I would secure myself financially if I were you. I will be focusing on my own finances this year too. Good luck.