Will an explanation give her closure?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have decided to try and explain to my stbx why I decided to end our marriage, but I would like some input/advice from others here first. My intention is to do this via email.

Some background: I left my wife 1 week ago. I initially didn’t offer an explanation other than that I was unhappy because I didn’t want to trigger an angry or self-harming outburst. I intended to try to explain it to her over the phone after the fact, but each conversation  from her part on that first day went from sad confusion, to blaming, and then finally to hostility and threatening language (nothing specific, but "you'll be sorry!" type stuff). Because of that, and her refusal to respect my boundary that I not be sought out in person, I was forced to block her number and go completely non-contact. Since then, I know she is still trying to locate me and she is having other people try to reach out to me on her behalf.

Are there any pitfalls to doing this, legal or otherwise that I should consider before doing this? I’m told she is completely distraught and desperately trying to figure out how to get me back. My thinking is that a written explanation could provide her with some closure so that she can someday begin to move on… or at least reduce the intensity with which she is seeking me out.

[utnapishtim428]

I have decided to try and explain to my stbx why I decided to end our marriage, but I would like some input/advice from others here first. My intention is to do this via email.

Some background: I left my wife 1 week ago. I initially didn’t offer an explanation other than that I was unhappy because I didn’t want to trigger an angry or self-harming outburst. I intended to try to explain it to her over the phone after the fact, but each conversation  from her part on that first day went from sad confusion, to blaming, and then finally to hostility and threatening language (nothing specific, but "you'll be sorry!" type stuff). Because of that, and her refusal to respect my boundary that I not be sought out in person, I was forced to block her number and go completely non-contact. Since then, I know she is still trying to locate me and she is having other people try to reach out to me on her behalf.

Are there any pitfalls to doing this, legal or otherwise that I should consider before doing this? I’m told she is completely distraught and desperately trying to figure out how to get me back. My thinking is that a written explanation could provide her with some closure so that she can someday begin to move on… or at least reduce the intensity with which she is seeking me out.

[BeagleGirl]

Of course this is just my opinion, but I think it depends on a few things -
How clear you are (in your own mind) on why you left
Whether there is anything she could do to change your mind
Whether you are able to articulate your reasons clearly and concisely
When you present your reasons

If you aren’t completely clear, there isn’t anything she can do to change your mind, or you aren’t able to articulate your reasons then I think the less said, the better. Just saying something like “I know this probably makes no sense to you and I’m not ready or able to explain how I have come to this decision. What I can tell you is that I know I can no longer be in relationship with you. I there were actions you could take that would change that fact, I would tell you. Since there aren’t, I am requesting that you accept my decision and my request that you not contact me.”

If there are actions she could take to change your mind, it might be good to ask for time (with no cont) to process your thoughts and set an appointment to talk with her about why you feel you can no longer be in relationship with her.

I giving a list of reasons why you can’t be with her when there’s nothing she can do that would change your mind is not productive and may actually be a bit cruel, especially right now. Maybe she would eventually want to know how to avoid losing relationships she values, but I doubt she would hear it as anything other than “you are bad and I’m justified in abandoning you” right now.

The possible exception would be if you have already discussed the aspects of your relationship that are intolerable, set clear boundaries and have solid (not subjective) instances where those boundaries have been crossed. Something like “I am not willing to be in a relationship that includes x, nor am I willing to wait and hope that x will no longer be a part of my relationship with you. I wish you the best in addressing x, if you choose to do so, but am not open to restoring our relationship even if you do.”

It might help if you shared a draft of the email you’d like to send her.

[kells76]

Hi there utnapishtim,

(A little background -- my husband's kids' mom has a lot of BPD-type behaviors but is undiagnosed. While I've never been married to someone who is dBPD or uBPD, I've encountered a lot of difficult behaviors when dealing with Mom via DH)

What would be the ideal outcome for you of explaining to your ex why you decided to end the marriage? What would it look like if that explanation went "perfectly"?

[livednlearned]

Maybe write one to yourself to read five years from now, first.

Then write one to her, second.

[ForeverDad]

Closure may have to be something you gift yourself.  Why?  Your efforts to give her closure could backfire.  You mentioned that within a week she's gone into hostile, blaming territory.  Maybe giving her your reasons might find a receptive ear.  With a reasonably normal person that ought to work but there's a real risk that it would backfire with her.  I'll explain.

Years ago I read someone's post that described the typical dilemma we face.  BPD is a disorder of mood dysregulation, shifting quickly from one extreme to the other.  No doubt you've experienced those extremes, sometimes from one moment to the next.  A person with BPD (pwBPD) has a very hard time accepting guilt or fault in a relationship.  Usually all ended relationships are cast as abusive ones.  Sooner or later that Blame Shifting will be yours too.  The complicating factor is that you have been in a close emotional relationship with her.  Odds are that you can reason and explain until the cows come home but it won't get past the emotional baggage of the relationship.  In brief, her PD issues may block her from listening.

This is not to say you can't try, but do make an effort to see where you stand, where she stands and how best to (possibly) bridge that gap.  Likely anything you say will sound like Blaming her and her gut response could be overreact and try to make you look worse than her.  It may blow up in your face no matter how well you approach it.  Or maybe it won't.  So do ponder how best to approach it.

But also be prepared if your nice efforts fail.  For example, legally speaking, beware of accepting "guilt" to the extent that she could twist it into you being an abuser, courts typically are quick to respond to a woman who files a claim she was abused or you are stalking or harassing.  (Once we separated, my spouse was quick to make all three allegations in domestic court.)  So don't ever write, "I'm sorry, I behaved badly, I was wrong in so many ways... ."  That could be twisted to make you appear very bad if things ever veered into legal allegations.  Instead, deflect her attention into less emotional words that would be less triggering or dangerous.  "Our approaches to life and choices were incompatible... ."  The point is that while you can apologize for approaches to the relationship and that the relationship wasn't right but don't apologize for yourself.  After all you did try to make it work.  You just didn't know what you were dealing with, perceptions that were just too far apart.

Both of you would do well with counseling.  While for you it would be a situational need, she needs more fundamental help.  Though she can't hear it from you.  Another general statement or truism is that unless she seeks help, applies it diligently in her life, perceptions and thinking and sticks with it for the long term, well, then she won't recover on her own and her relationships will continue to be dysfunctional and unhealthy.

Could you both participate in a joint session or several sessions where you could safely have a neutral trained professional guide things so it doesn't devolve into a Blamefest?