Silent Treatment

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi everyone,

It’s been a while since I’ve posted here, but I could really use some advice on how to encourage the end of a lengthy silent treatment my brother (20 with undiagnosed BPD) is giving my wife and I. We love him and want him to talk to us over some of the issues plaguing the family.  

Without going into too many details (I could write for days), he started the latest round of silent treatment after I told him it wasn’t appropriate to cancel a trip to see us after we had already reserved the plane tickets. He got really mad and now isn’t talking to us - it’s been 6 months. About three months ago, I texted him and asked if it was okay to meet up. He was open to the idea, but as we began making plans for me to fly out to see him, he suddenly stopped replying. I continued the conversation as he never said he didn’t want to meet, but then he lashed out at me saying he will file for a restraining order if I continue to contact him. Other siblings who have talked to him since then say that he fears for his safety around me. It’s the weirdest thing. Anyway, it’s been months since then and I havent contacted him at all (though some other siblings asked him when he plans to end the silent treatment - he said it’ll take years and gets real mad when people bring it up). We can’t last years. It’s important to note he’s done this before and it lasted a full year. This is so ridiculous, as the source of this silent treatment is so small. This is straining our entire family.

What can I do to end the silent treatment? Should I write him a nice letter? He’s said to other siblings that if we want to send him any type of communication then to do it through them otherwise he’s filing for a restraining order. To me, that might seem like an opportunity. It means he’s open to receiving a letter, right? I’m at my wits end and could really use some support.

[Eagle44]

Hi everyone,

It’s been a while since I’ve posted here, but I could really use some advice on how to encourage the end of a lengthy silent treatment my brother (20 with undiagnosed BPD) is giving my wife and I. We love him and want him to talk to us over some of the issues plaguing the family.  

Without going into too many details (I could write for days), he started the latest round of silent treatment after I told him it wasn’t appropriate to cancel a trip to see us after we had already reserved the plane tickets. He got really mad and now isn’t talking to us - it’s been 6 months. About three months ago, I texted him and asked if it was okay to meet up. He was open to the idea, but as we began making plans for me to fly out to see him, he suddenly stopped replying. I continued the conversation as he never said he didn’t want to meet, but then he lashed out at me saying he will file for a restraining order if I continue to contact him. Other siblings who have talked to him since then say that he fears for his safety around me. It’s the weirdest thing. Anyway, it’s been months since then and I havent contacted him at all (though some other siblings asked him when he plans to end the silent treatment - he said it’ll take years and gets real mad when people bring it up). We can’t last years. It’s important to note he’s done this before and it lasted a full year. This is so ridiculous, as the source of this silent treatment is so small. This is straining our entire family.

What can I do to end the silent treatment? Should I write him a nice letter? He’s said to other siblings that if we want to send him any type of communication then to do it through them otherwise he’s filing for a restraining order. To me, that might seem like an opportunity. It means he’s open to receiving a letter, right? I’m at my wits end and could really use some support.

[Turkish]

I'd respect his threat of an RO. That's serious. We've seen members on the romantic relationship boards ignore such threats until it turned out to be real,  with a lot of legal problems ensuing. 

I read your 2016 intro thread.  Did he make it through the military academy?

You could certainly reach out through familial proxies as he's demanded.  Think,  however,  that this is a power play on his part where he'll be in control. 

If you decide to do this,  which sounds legally safe, I'd be brief and short. He's not likely to "listen" or care about your feelings; that verbiage would likely trigger him into reinforcing his view of you in his mind (abandoner, Persecutor).

Can you think of something to write which tosses the ball into his court?

This might help:

BIFF: Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm

This may seem obvious to say,  but he doesn't view the world or people like you or I do.  He's limited.  He may be incapable of understanding the hurt he's causing; or if he is,  feeling shame (a core feeling of pwBPD), and doesn't have the emotional tools to deal with it healthily. Instead,  he lashes out.