Coping with multiple family members with BPD

[AuthenticLiving]

Hi, I'm new to this site.  Both of my parents have been diagnosed BPD and are also alcoholics.  They are not now nor have they ever been in treatment for BPD and refuse to get treatment for their alcoholism.  My husband, son and I went NC with them about 13 years ago to protect our son from the emotional and sometimes physical abuse resulting from both their BPD and alcoholism.  They are now old and my mom has a fatal cancer.  I now have limited phone contact with them and my husband and son visited them once at my mother's request.  I did not go with them because I have a chronic debilitating illness that has been flaring for the last four years.  I am at peace with my situation with my parents as are my husband and son.  I came to this site because I suspect that my youngest and oldest sisters may have BPD because they have characteristic BP behavior.  Right now I need advise about how to deal with my youngest sister.

She is married with children and I am always " walking on eggshells" when I talk to her.  Right now she is not speaking to me because she became enraged with me about something I did which she herself would have done in the same situation.  I even did a reality check with my therapist who confirmed that my actions were appropriate given the circumstances.  As she has done in the past, she has made false assumptions about me and accused me of lying when I did not do so.  I am actually relived that she currently is not talking to me.  Every time she calls me, I get a knot in my stomach and the stress of dealing with her rage and and other BP symptoms is not good for me.  Based on her pattern, she will get back in touch when she needs me.  I was a surrogate mom to her when we were kids and young women.  I worked hard to change our relationship to make it a sister relationship of equals.  From my perspective, I am no longer her mom.  I am concerned about how to deal with her anger and distortion when she contacts me again or when we end up  together at my mom's funeral, whichever comes first.  I have read the book "Walking on Eggshells" and information on line about how to communicate with a person who has BP.  I have already used the communication techniques these sources suggest with her without realizing that they were appropriate for people with BP.  These techniques make her rage at me.  The only thing she will accept is total agreement with her and doing exactly what she wants me to do.  Anyone going through something similar?

[bman2232]

Hi, I am a newbie too. I am married to the baby of 3 girls, all of which have some degree of BPD symptom severity. The symptom severity you describe in your younger sister is more characteristic of my wife's oldest sister. Clear boundaries are needed with this person, even though she is willing to make contact with you, it sounds like the experience is not a pleasant one for you (walking on egg shells). I advised my wife something similar several years back when her oldest sister started spiraling. She suddenly became a fitness fanatic, and it turns out had at least 2 affairs in the last 3 years. Consequently, she and her husband are currently at the beginning of what will likely be a very nasty divorce. She doesn't want to hear that anything is her fault. In fact, she herself initiated the divorce because her husband lied to her about smoking (started a month prior and hid it from her). He isn't fighting her, and I don't blame him for not wanting to. She is completely oblivious to her role in the dissolution by having affairs. We have come to the conclusion that she will have to hit rock bottom before she will acknowledge she has a problem. I hope we are wrong, and I hope that rock bottom happens before she finds herself in a life threatening situation. It is a very helpless and devastating feeling. The only positive that has come from this is that my wife seems to becoming around to just how bad it is to ignore and suppress your feelings, because that is what her oldest sister has done her entire life. More so than the other two. Anyway, in your case I would think long and hard about that conversation when she does try and contact you again. This period of radio silence gives you a good opportunity to establish a relationship on your terms when that time comes. It is hard, I know. And I don't have any magic words of advice on how to set those boundaries. There are others on here much wiser than me. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you and for her. You are not alone.