Where do i get the strength from?

[Pencil sketch]

She has gone again. I am in pieces, how can someone be so utterly cruel, and laugh at someone else's pain.
She is ill, and I am desperately hanging onto that.
Could do with some words of support, all I can see, are her bitter words, and how much she hates me.
Sorry for the pity party, I feel broken.

[FindingMe2011]

She has gone again. I am in pieces, how can someone be so utterly cruel, and laugh at someone else's pain

As the illness dictates, abandonment/intimacy fears, will win everytime. its an equal opportunity offender, and no one is the exception. What you perceive as cruelty, is survival for BPD... .Understanding the illness, and your own shortcomings, could give you the knowledge, to become healthier. You do have choices

She is ill, and I am desperately hanging onto that

Please explain... .There is no magic pill... .what is it, you expect, as an outcome?

Could do with some words of support, all I can see, are her bitter words, and how much she hates me.

Stop feeding into the projection, BPD so eagerly likes to give. Stop listening/looking at the bitter words. She hates herself and your behaviour enables her to continue... .why? b/c it works... .The best thing about hitting rock bottom... .You now (if you put in the hard work) can rebuild the base of your life, that no other individual, could ever put you in this situation again... .I wish you well, PEACE

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Pencil sketch, When you say "she has gone again," does that mean you were involved in a recycle?  Fill us in, when you can.  I can't recall your current status.  In general, the place to start is with yourself, by focusing on your own needs and taking good care of yourself, which is not as easy as it sounds.  In the meantime, try to avoid blaming yourself for this terrible disorder.

LuckyJim

[Pencil sketch]

Thanks for your replies. She came back a few days ago, after changing her number, I honestly thought, she would never come back, after she told me how complicated changing it would be.
I was making good progress. She went straight into attack mode, saying how I destroyed the r/s and it was my fault. In hindsight, in should have deleted it, but my curiosity got the better of me, we had the usual circular arguments, and rage/silent treatment, when I asked why she came back.
She has always been capable of incredible spite, but this was worse.
I hold onto the fact that she is ill because I can't believe someone could behave so badly, without regard for someone else's feelings or boundaries.
I have asked her to stay away, and have blocked her again.
I just wasn't expecting it.
Have to take a deep breath, and regroup.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, Pencil sketch, OK, your task is now to let all the blame roll off you like water off the back of a duck.  Those w/BPD are experts at shifting blame to the Non, because it gets their role in the breakdown of the r/s off their plate and onto that of the Non.  Those w/BPD will say a lot of unkind and hurtful things when their fears kick in, so you have to take what they say with a grain of salt.  It's hard to ignore their ugly statements, I know, but their words are a function of their disorder.  I like to say that blame, like poison, is harmless if you don't ingest it.

LJ

[Pencil sketch]

Thanks LJ, I think, my progress, was so short lived, it hasn't become part of my normal thinking yet, it was starting to, I could find reason, in tough times, think about it logically, she came back, and BAM, right back to where I was. The lessons I have learnt, about her, and me, haven't been erased because of her  coming back, they just took a back seat, it's still there, I have to get my head into that mindset again.
We hadn't communicated for so long, all I had to deal with, was healing myself, I didn't have the conflict in top of it, I had to deal with that all over again, so my coping mechanisms, went into 'protect' mode, in order to deal with it.
There is also, the hope, that they have had an epiphany, seen the light, and be the person you want them to be, and it's such a disappointment, when you realise, things won't change.
I am turning a negative experience, into a positive learning curve.
I am still in the, will she cone back, phase, she may, she may not, but I am not responsible for her actions, only my reaction to it.
I am also exhausted, only 2 days of abuse, and mind games, I will take care of me again, and find that strength.
As always, thank you xxx

[FindingMe2011]

I hold onto the fact that she is ill because I can't believe someone could behave so badly, without regard for someone else's feelings or boundaries.

This would be the same, as asking a blind man to see. ... .Lets be honest... .most on this site, wouldnt be on this site, if they had healthy boundaries, and emotional responses... .The illness runs from it... .I get it, but hopefully, the feeling sorry for yourself will stop, sooner than later... .Do you really believe this person came into your life, to crush you? Do you truly understand the paradox pwBPD, live with 24/7?

There is also, the hope, that they have had an epiphany, seen the light, and be the person you want them to be, and it's such a disappointment, when you realise, things won't change.

BPD says the same thing about you... .And thats one of the beautiful things about living here. We choose how we want to live, and we all deserve this right, no?... .so maybe a little selfishness on your end

I am still in the, will she cone back, phase, she may, she may not, but I am not responsible for her actions, only my reaction to it.

Hmmm, Im wondering how you can go from this... .to the comment above? fairly conflicting, and 2 very different approaches to the r/s
 

[Skip]

when I open up emotionally, and I said to her, that I would go back if she asked me to, it's easier for her to walk away, given that she hates me.
She pointed out, that she would never have me back, due to our incompatibility, something she has raised before.
It was an LDR and we haven't seen each other since August last year... .

Pencil sketch, I'm sorry this is so upsetting.

I might suggest that if you want to reconnect that you post on the "Reversing a Breakup" board. There are people that would coach you through an email exchange to avoid triggering (back and forth). This is a detaching board - the advise you get her will be about shutting doors and walking away.

That said, and staying with ":)etaching from a Failed Relationship" mission, its really important to take a deep breath and say, I can relax now, its over.

Often what causes all the dramatic feeling here is not that we are leaving - that's hard - but that we are hoping still in the conflict of the relationship and hoping it will turn in our favor. This hoping - trying to stop the water from going over the dam, makes us crazy.

The minute you say, maybe its ok if this doesn't work... .you will take a weight off your shoulder.

[Pencil sketch]

Thanks for your replies. I have no intention of going back into a relationship with her. I was telling her, how I felt, where i am in this process, in the hope, she can think about the consequences her actions have. She has done this so many times.
I have now realised, I have to deal with my reactions, not her actions. I am now starting to under Stand this condition a bit more, and to anyone out there, who is desperate for their exs to reach out, do not get involved. Stay no contact, it is like dealing with a belligerent 5 yr old.

[Skip]

I was telling her, how I felt, where i am in this process, in the hope, she can think about the consequences her actions have.

Sounds like she was doing exactly the same to you with her comment about her daughter.

When the relationship breaks up - if you want to get back together or are done forever - its not the time to tell each other who was wrong and who is losing. BPD or a lower conflict relationship, it doesn't ever play well.

But it happens. Its done. You can let it go.

Pencil sketch, its not contact that caused this - its not no contact that will cure it - our goal needs to be emotional detachment.

[Pencil sketch]

Thanks skip, I am getting back on track again, and am learning, listening to what you are all saying, as I said, it was completely unexpected, and completely threw me, but I guess, that is the nature of the beast.
I suppose it all comes down to the unanswered questions, but how can they answer them, if it makes no sense in the first place.
Time to concentrate on me again.