Give in or fight (and maybe lose)

[clarkbpd]

This is my first post, but I wish I had been here two months ago. I feel like as I learn about BPD I’m increasingly hopeful that there is light at the end of the tunnel, but I feel like my current situation won’t provide me enough time to make it out of the tunnel.

My wife (who I suspect has BPD) is insisting that we sell our house that we bought four months ago and find a new place closer to where she grew up, 25 minutes away. I want to hold my ground because 1) it would be a huge financial hit and 2) I think we have a great house in a great neighborhood and she could be happy if she would face her demons. She has told me that if I don’t give in, she will move out on her own and take our kids (4 and 2 … plus a third one on the way in 8 weeks) with her.

Complicating things is that her parents have offered to help us with any financial problems that may arise from selling and buying so soon, completely undercuting my first reason for holding my ground. I suspect this kind of enabling behavior is part of the reason she is the way she is.

I do not know where my wife would go if she moved out. Her parents could take her in, but they would be very upset if she leaves me,  plus she doesn’t want to live with them (we actually lived with them for 6 weeks before agreeing to move into the new house). She’s threatened to get her own apartment, but she doesn’t even have a checkbook.

I worry what all of this is doing to the kids, but I also worry that if I give in, the kids will continue to suffer anyway.

I’m open to thoughts on what I should do. Maybe this isn’t the hill to die on, but I know that if I give in, I will always regret not fighting for what I think could be a great life for all of us.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Teno]

I'm pretty new at understanding what is happening, maybe someone can give you better advice.

I was in the same boat and so was my wife's BIL. My wife did not say she would leave me, but when I resisted the idea of moving closer to the parents I got answers like. "If you can't decide I'll make the executive decisions". I'm still getting undermined by the MIL and Wife.

I think you should ask yourself who is making the decisions, the wife or the MIL? If the MIL is PBD it will be very hard.

We never moved closer but the BIL did and he only lasted 2 years and moved country to get away. We've actually moved even further away.

I fully understand, I was so/am still scared of losing my family.

[ArleighBurke]

BPDs often blame their external environment for what they feel. They feel like if they just lived somewhere else, or just had that thing, or just X, then they will feel better.

And they will come up with 100 logical reasons to support why that move/purchase/thing is the right choice.

But nothing makes them feel better.

So you are in a no win situation. Moving to please her and to be the supportive partner, will result in turmoil, financial loss, and no change in how she feels.

Unfortunately, you need to be the adult in the relationship. What would you do if your 8yr old said you had to move? (True your 8yr old won't move out if you dont comply, but still - you need to be the adult.)

It is difficult, and a risk, but I would say "no". Tell her your reasons ONCE, then just say "no" every time she brings it up. She will believe that you are stopping her from being happy, so will will argue and try to make you fold. Just say "we've discussed this, my answer is no". Dont' argue/defend/explain any more.

BPDs NEED boundaries. They need to know that you will NOT be swept into their whirlwind life. They will complain when you don't do what they want, but inside they know and need you to be their container, their voice of reason, their protector, their solid safe rock. They will never consciously know this, but they will "feel" safe when you have strength.

Yes this may backfire, she may leave with the kids, it may be a problem. But if you want your relationship to last, these are the actions/battles you need to win to make sure it will last.

If you "cave", if you go against all your gut feelings and logic, she will realise just how easy it is to manipulate you and it will never end.

(I lived in 9 houses during my 16year marriage. Every time the move "made sense" to her - to be closer to her sister, then close to the local school, to save money, a better suburb to raise kids... .)