Why am I still living here?

[Yaffle]

I'm just wondering if any one else feels the same.  I live with my  uBPD girlfriend and our two kids and am putting up with a lot of rubbish from her.  I want to be away from her but just don't ever seem to get round to it.  The timing just never seems right.  I've got loads of reasons in my head about why I'm still there, all valid, but I don't think any of them are the main reason.  Things like trying to make sure the kids are alright and making sure they don't suffer if I do leave.

The best I can come up with at the moment that explains things is that I'm just so used to the way things are and once the conflict is over I think, subconsciously, that things are ok at the moment so why rock the boat.  It may be a family thing as I've noticed a similar trait in my mum recently.  She is struggling to look after my dad as he gets older but when prompted to ask for support she just says 'We'll see how things are... .'

One of my worries about this is that I think my friends are starting to lose patience with me which isn't a nice feeling

[formflier]

I was totally tracking with your post until the part about your friends loosing patience with you.

Can you expand on that.  How does your decision about living with your GF and friends patience have any connection whatsoever. 

I'm certain there is an explanation, I just don't want to assume... .



FF

[Yaffle]

Its because I keep telling them how bad things are and that I want to get out but never get round to doing it

[sweetheart]

Yaffle it’s a really tough decision that you are conflicted by. As human beings, IMHO for the most part we often take the path of least resistance, even when there are serious episodes of conflict in our lives.

Do you know what leaving would actually look like on a practical level, how access and custody of the children would be, how finances and property would be divided? Have you laid out the plans that you would need to make in order to leave or to stay?

With regards to your friends  loosing patience with you, I found it important to keep my internal confusion and procrastinations private unless it was with my T or on here. When we choose to keep venting without there ever being a resolution we place ourselves in a victim role. Your friends will naturally try to rescue you, but they cant and then it might feel somewhat persecutory to you when they seem tired of your struggles.  Choose carefully whom you share your struggles with, make that conversation one that is problem solving for you.

Use your friends for companionship, socialising, having a break from the difficulties you face at home. Changing what you bring to your social circle may give you some emotional respite and free up some space for taking action.

[Yaffle]

I have thought a lot about what it would be like if I left.  I know how property/money would be split.  The main thing up in the air would be custody.

What you say about friends I think may be spot on although I have needed to vent to them in the past and would like them to know what its like at home.

[formflier]

Its because I keep telling them how bad things are and that I want to get out but never get round to doing it

Can you understand how your friends would be frustrated?  Look at it from there point of view... .

Furthermore... why say much to them about it?  Sure... mention it a time or two.  Perhaps it would be better to focus the conversation on the movie you are planning to see and the lunch you are planning with friends a week from now.

Leave all the BPDish stuff out of it.

Seriously... .

Are they "equipped" to handle it?

Have things improved since you shared all of this with your friends?

It's very important to have some "normalcy" in your life.  Establish it.  Then aggressively start expanding normalcy and "boxing in the crazy".

Your pwBPD won't like it... .but they don't get a vote.



FF

[formflier]

I think proper attribution for my "three legged stool" example goes to Skip.

The analogy works for me, perhaps it will for you.


Remove any one of the three legs and a stool won't stand.

For most "nons", it is best to have three strong legs.

1.  Good learning and relationships on bpdfamily
2.  In person T to really focus on nuance and to have a place to personally vent.   (practically I have a couple friends that I occasionally confide in.  Known them for... wow... .over 25 years now.  I likely know most of their stuff... .and they know most of mine.  Yet with all that, I haven't breathed a word to either one of the about issues with my wife for... .perhaps 6 months.  If I call... they will answer and listen and will ask great questions... .and wish me luck.

3.  Good group of friends that are normal and you DON'T talk about BPD.  This is critical. 

FF

[Yaffle]

Thank you both for your replies.  Sorry I've been a while getting back!  Unfortunately I haven't got a therapist and there's no way I can see of me being able to get one - that's why I sometimes use my friends to vent but I think you're right that I should keep them away from the issues.  I'll try to steer clear a bit more from now on.

[formflier]

Then perhaps discuss with one or two friends if they are up to support you with your relationship.  Keep the discussions to/with them about BPD stuff and venting.

The point is NOT that you don't talk to your friends about BPD issues.  The point is more that you have a group of friends to "escape" to or a solid bastion of normalcy in your life.

BPD issues seem to have a way of creeping into all aspects of our life.  It's important to be deliberate about "pushing them back".

FF

[Lucky Jim]

The best I can come up with at the moment that explains things is that I'm just so used to the way things are and once the conflict is over I think, subconsciously, that things are ok at the moment so why rock the boat.

Hey Yaffle, I think that's an honest assessment of what keeps you hangin' on, which sounds like inertia coupled with selective memory.  BPD, needless to say, is cyclic and the conflict you describe has a way of returning, like it always does.

Let me ask you a question, or two: are you happy in your r/s?  That's what it's all about, right?

What might happen if you rock the boat?  What are you so worried about?

These are tough questions, I know.

LuckyJim

[Yaffle]

No I'm definitely not happy.  Just feel I'm wasting my life coping. 

If I rock the boat there will be lots of conflict and stress for a while made worse by having the two kids involved but I think for the long term it's something I need to do. 

[RisingFromAshes]

The best I can come up with at the moment that explains things is that I'm just so used to the way things are and once the conflict is over I think, subconsciously, that things are ok at the moment so why rock the boat.  It may be a family thing as I've noticed a similar trait in my mum recently.  She is struggling to look after my dad as he gets older but when prompted to ask for support she just says 'We'll see how things are... .'

One of my worries about this is that I think my friends are starting to lose patience with me which isn't a nice feeling

I totally can relate to this.
I talk about my troubles to two close friends and they both ask the same "if the things are so bad, why don't you leave?". Even my T few times said to me "what is it going to take for you to leave?".
Every time after massive rages and emotional abuse, mentally I start to get ready to leave and it never happens. The storm passes, new promises are made and although I know that the peace will not last long, I stay.
Same as you, I find 101 reason to stay, none of them are valid. Like my son's relationship with my H, financials, me being sorry for him and wanting to help.
I keep saying to myself - I'll give another 3 months... .and then another... .and another.
I think this is where honesty with ourselves need to come in. What is the real reason we are not leaving if things are that bad?
I had to do a lot of soul searching and the reality is that the reason I am not leaving is my fear driven by my self esteem issues, codependency.
I have to work on myself, I have to heal.
However, my worry is that I cannot heal in this environment as all my fears and insecurities get triggered very frequently.
So what gives?

[Lucky Jim]

If I rock the boat there will be lots of conflict and stress for a while made worse by having the two kids involved but I think for the long term it's something I need to do.

Hey Yaffle, I recently read a quote which I find pertinent: "Oftentimes, kids really thrive outside the bounds of a toxic relationship."  Worth thinking about.  In my case, I like to think that one day my kids will appreciate that one need not stay in an abusive situation and that change is possible in life.  Hard to say whether that will sink in at some point. 

LuckyJim

[SamwizeGamgee]

Hello Yaffle,
The whole of your comments deserve more consideration than I have time for at the moment, but, I will share an idea in hopes that it helps.
I grew up a fairly standard "guy."  I kept my word, hid my feelings, and carried on.  I have been in an unhappy marriage for 20+ years.   I look at marriage as a contract, so I stayed [for now].  And I also feel stuck because I have kids.  That sounds like a primary concern for you too.  What helped a lot was seeing a T in person, as has been mentioned.  :)uring that process, I also read self help and abuse recover books like crazy - and lots of reading on BPD, and support form this bpdfamily message boards.  

Another thing that is overlooked often is journaling.  I had to learn to permit myself to have feelings, learn to listen to them, and realize how those feelings inform more feelings, and thoughts, and therefore actions.  A big step for me was writing down my feelings in a feeling journal.  It's nice because I can finally cuss out my life, my wife.  And I talk about sex, lack thereof, anger, distance, poetry, life, god, feelings, feelings. feelings.

Something good happens when you write what you think and feel.  It becomes objective, visible, and workable.  Life became a lot more purposeful when I wrote my feelings.  I think it worked for my self-validation also.
Maybe give keeping a 100% private feelings journal a try.

Good luck.  You're not alone.  There are lots of guys held hostage by uncertainty when facing custody battles with disordered personality wives.  We can do this, and be better for it.

[Yaffle]

Where do you keep your journal?I have tried to keep a diary rather than a journal of sorts on my computer at work but usually by the time I get time to write things down my feelings have abated  a lot and nothing is private at home.  It sounds a decent idea though

[SamwizeGamgee]

In the moment, sometimes a notepad will have to do.  I sometimes have a audio record to get ideas out.  But, I find Dropbox does a good job of having my journal accessible and secure.  Obviously not from a shared computer with your partner.

[Red5]

Yaffle,
Sam wrote;… Another thing that is overlooked often is journaling.  I had to learn to permit myself to have feelings, learn to listen to them, and realize how those feelings inform more feelings, and thoughts, and therefore actions.  A big step for me was writing down my feelings in a feeling journal.

Yes, I can concur, journaling is very important, I learned (re-learned) this after a due amount of time had gone by in my marriage to u/BPDw, it’s like this, once a down cycle is over, and the inevitable recycle has occurred, and the dark storm clouds have cleared, I am painted white once more, and the sun is bright and warm again in the sky, and everything is safe, warm, nice and calm again, and she is once again calling me “handsome”, “cutie”, and “babe”… That it’s not very long, until I have forgotten all the bad stuff that had just occurred, I have buried it, and I have pushed it out of my short term memory.

And I am setting myself up for the next down cycle “unbeknownst”… yes, it took me years to recognize the perpetual pattern, I almost did not make it.

But I rediscovered journaling, and at about the same time as I uncovered BPD, and traits thereof, and as well beginning to learn the tools to deal with her dysregulations, and rages… so forth and so on, the journaling became extremely important, copious notes, in order to remind myself what had happened, chronologically.

Reminding myself, reminiscing of the last event of BPD, I began to be able to discern more, about the buildup, the unprovoked attack as it were, I became more intuned, and even as I was white again, and not black, I was able to deconstruct, to reverse engineer her to some degree, which helped me immensely when the time came round again to be colored black yet again, now I was able to have that sort of out of body experience, even when I was the target, I became numb to it, and now I can even say that I do not take it so personal anymore, although sometimes she does get into my head for whatever reason, I am much better off remembering the near and distant past in great detail, what she had said, how I reacted, what had happened prior to and during, and as well afterwards.

Yes, by all means , journal!

But you can never let your sig other ever see it, or else your activity here on this site.

Best of luck, and keep coming here to vent, and interact with the great folks here, I can say that this site was a God send to me, over the last fifteen or so months,

Red5