Winding down to the end of the relationship

[Depression = 72% of members]

It has been one heck of a hard month…I think that is the length of the latest drama.

It has been full of divorce threats by him, changes of heart, promises made and broken, and lots of pain…It is now closer than ever to the end.

Papers will be filed soon. I am not sure how this will all go, but I got some more legal information and the courts will protect me a bit.

It was just Monday this week I was fantasizing about walking away on my own, taking nothing but the things I brought here…but the courts won’t allow me to refuse support even…they consider it “not fair” and…I just have no energy for any of this, though I’m gonna have to dig deep and find some.

It is sad as I reflect back on these years, the continuous off/on…As relieved as I will be when this all fades into distant memories for me some day….I just have this gnawing sense that he never really saw me…that his overwhelming jealousy doomed us from the start and we never really had a chance. BPD traits can be simply awful, and his combination of symptoms proved too much for me, for us…it brought me to my knees in life. Wish I’d found this site a year or two sooner…This was the kind of support I needed. I knew there was something “off”, but many sites don’t give you a heads up that just having any of the traits gives you something to deal with….it was confusing.

To add more salt to the wounds he’s doing all this less than a week after my grandfather died, but before I fly to his funeral, so that’s pretty compassionate and sensitive towards me. Not at all upsetting. (sarcasm) I should focus on how controlling he was this last week, upset at me for reaching out for help to a minister and after a day of crying over my grandparents and my upsetting life and not going with him immediately to his sister in law for his apparently last ditch effort to save things which could not wait one single day (his impulsivity stuff), and last month for writing in a journal. When he can’t control me his mind goes wild. He even accused me this week of trying to poison him when I simply offered him water for his cough.

Breakups are typically pretty hard for me and I avoid them at all costs….but it’s strange…after being this low for so long it can only go up from here. Please wish me well…I’m gonna need it this next month or so as I navigate this next phase and begin the next chapter of my life.

[pearlsw]

It has been one heck of a hard month…I think that is the length of the latest drama.

It has been full of divorce threats by him, changes of heart, promises made and broken, and lots of pain…It is now closer than ever to the end.

Papers will be filed soon. I am not sure how this will all go, but I got some more legal information and the courts will protect me a bit.

It was just Monday this week I was fantasizing about walking away on my own, taking nothing but the things I brought here…but the courts won’t allow me to refuse support even…they consider it “not fair” and…I just have no energy for any of this, though I’m gonna have to dig deep and find some.

It is sad as I reflect back on these years, the continuous off/on…As relieved as I will be when this all fades into distant memories for me some day….I just have this gnawing sense that he never really saw me…that his overwhelming jealousy doomed us from the start and we never really had a chance. BPD traits can be simply awful, and his combination of symptoms proved too much for me, for us…it brought me to my knees in life. Wish I’d found this site a year or two sooner…This was the kind of support I needed. I knew there was something “off”, but many sites don’t give you a heads up that just having any of the traits gives you something to deal with….it was confusing.

To add more salt to the wounds he’s doing all this less than a week after my grandfather died, but before I fly to his funeral, so that’s pretty compassionate and sensitive towards me. Not at all upsetting. (sarcasm) I should focus on how controlling he was this last week, upset at me for reaching out for help to a minister and after a day of crying over my grandparents and my upsetting life and not going with him immediately to his sister in law for his apparently last ditch effort to save things which could not wait one single day (his impulsivity stuff), and last month for writing in a journal. When he can’t control me his mind goes wild. He even accused me this week of trying to poison him when I simply offered him water for his cough.

Breakups are typically pretty hard for me and I avoid them at all costs….but it’s strange…after being this low for so long it can only go up from here. Please wish me well…I’m gonna need it this next month or so as I navigate this next phase and begin the next chapter of my life.

[pearlsw]

These lessons points are pretty helpful: (https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality#7)

6) Clinging to the words that were said

We often cling to the positive words and promises that were voiced and ignore or minimize the negative actions. “But she said she would love me forever”. Many wonderful and expressive things may have been said during the course of the relationship, but people suffering with BPD traits are dreamers, they can be fickle, and they over-express emotions like young children – often with little thought for long term implications. You must let go of the words. It may break your heart to do so. But the fact is, the actions - all of them - are the truth.

7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard

We often feel that if we explain our point better, put it in writing, say it louder, or find the right words ... .we will be heard. People with BPD hear and read just fine. Everything that we have said has been physically heard. The issue is more about listening and engaging. When the relationship breaks down and emotions are flared, the ability to listen and engage diminishes greatly on all sides. And if we try to compensate by being more insistent it often just drives the interaction further into unhealthy territory. We may be seen as aggressive. We may be seen as weak and clingy. We may be seen as having poor boundaries and inviting selfish treatment. We may be offering ourselves up for punishment. It may be denial, it may be the inability to get past what they feel and want to say, or it may even be payback. This is one of the most difficult aspects of breaking up - there is no closure.

[pearlsw]

One of the best things about this breakup will be not hearing any more insults or unkind words.

[babyducks]

pearls,

I am so very sorry.    I know this is not what you had hoped for.   my sympathies and condolences for all your loss.   including the loss of your grandfather.

I've watched your story unfold for a while now.    I want to tell you what a great job you did, learning the tools,   fighting for the healthy better response.    you gave it 110%.

what happened to me was as I got better,... .as I grew and became somewhat more healthy emotionally and with relationship skills,  my Ex pushed me away harder.

I can't tell you the ludicrous efforts she went to, to destroy the relationship.    with 20/20 hindsight I wonder if the very vague idea of heading down a more healthy road was so overwhelming frightening she had to destroy it.   

and then sometimes it was like she was preprogrammed to destroy relationships, regardless of what I did or didn't do.

what can we do to help?

'ducks

[pearlsw]

hi ducks, thanks for talking to me so i'm not alone here talking to myself! 

Breakups tend to make me feel a bit low…every one I’ve had typically triggers the loss of my father to cancer after a seven year battle. It triggers those feelings of loss of an entire way of life you can never recapture. Deep trauma around loss…It might not be as bad this time though…I’m not sure…I’m not feeling the full weight of this yet…maybe because I was never able to fully believe I was even in this relationship since it was so off/on…

While I won’t miss the mistreatment and will be glad to be away from that and back to being myself…I’m not excited to be in the States at this time, but…at least I will be able to make friends and not have anyone trying to limit my life with paranoia and jealousy. I am so never getting anywhere near jealousy ever again. (He hated that I’m not jealous and don’t play those jealousy games some people play.)

Well, I am nervous because I am likely going to stay with relatives in the town I grew up and never expected to ever go to to live in again. I am glad to have family support. I have not called on that enough in life - as in never. But…the town is also traumatic for me…the streets hold a lot of memories…I’d like to move to an entirely new town because I can’t handle…I mean the streets…the town is small, on a small grid…and I remember driving those streets with my dad to and from his work, or later on my own…and it is just a geography of pain and trauma….I get these involuntary twitches sometimes…but that is the best I can do for now in terms of housing and support and comfort…It won’t be forever, just one to two years I’m guessing…

I don’t want to get depressed and hopeless…I know I will have those thoughts at times, but I am concerned…as being middle aged with no partner, or kids, and not being well attached to family and a derailed career…it’s easy to feel pretty worthless and like I have no reason to exist. I will fight through it, but…ugh…having to experience that…I do not look forward to that…

If I didn’t have this darn knee damage I’d run and I’d feel great physically and mentally…maybe my relatives even have a pool now that I think about it…that would be super. But if not, I’ll try to find one. I don’t remember my town had a public one, but who knows…it’s been, oh gee, thirty years since i lived there?

I need hugs and reminders I did my best. That the mistakes I made in the relationship are not me and that I’m still a decent gal with a good head on her shoulders…The relationship had almost no chance as complicated as it all is/was….I never say “failure” just “it didn’t work out.”

[Harley Quinn]

Pearls I'm so sorry to see you here.     It has seemed to you like this was coming for a while but it doesn't make it easier or less painful.  Truth is, this is going to hurt. But what you've been through for so long has hurt and look how you survived it.  This too is survivable and unlike what you've experienced, it will eventually begin to hurt less until it stops hurting altogether.  Of that at least I can assure you.  

Who's decision is this?  Have you decided that you are ready?  We are here for you and will walk with you every step of the way.  You're not alone.

Love and light x

[pearlsw]

yes 'ducks, i tried to set boundaries this week... .he got upset because i talked to a minister "because he's a man with a penis"... .so... .extreme jealousy. i literally had no other way to get any help... .i was that isolated that i dumped out my guts to a total stranger in order to have some in-person help. the minister actually helped me a bit with facing my own paralysis to act... .but all that thinking still left me shocked when he flipped back again to ending it all forever.

i'll get through this. somehow i will. i think the worst part will really be the trauma of the streets in my hometown... .maybe i can come up with a way to talk myself through that - tell my body i am not reliving the trauma of those years with every drive... .and missing having intimacy/human contact other than hugs from my nice aunt. i start to feel not quite human when i have no physical contact at all for a long time... .they have a dog though... .so i can hug the dog too... .and pet it. that should help ease the lack of touch a bit.

[babyducks]

well pearls I was going to make a bad joke about "because he's a man with a penis" but I thought better of it.   

can I ask,   where are you now?

[Harley Quinn]

Animals are great listeners and extra devoted when we feel sad. I think having a pet to comfort you will help a great deal.  Baby steps pearls.  One at a time. Cross the bridge of the streets when you get to it.  You might be be surprised to find it's less hard than you expect.  First deal with the now. When is the funeral?  Being around family will give you strength and you can stock up on hugs for a while.  You're going through so much that I'd suggest dealing with it in bite sized chunks.  You're smart, strong, compassionate and did your very best to make it work. 

[pearlsw]

well pearls I was going to make a bad joke about "because he's a man with a penis" but I thought better of it.   

can I ask,   where are you now?

jokes are always welcome!  i'm still here overseas... .i am typing away... .not worrying about him hearing... .because he's not the boss of my typing fingers any more. he never was, but i tried to be more discrete. he doesn't get to control/influence/guilt trip me about getting help anymore.

the last straws for him were him catching me typing on this site and me hiding it... .he assumed a much worse scenario, but i could not correct it fully truthfully or i'd risk losing the site... .and then going to get help from the church, but i set that up originally because he said he was not going to live here anymore and i wanted assistance incase i needed it... .

[pearlsw]

Animals are great listeners and extra devoted when we feel sad. I think having a pet to comfort you will help a great deal.  Baby steps pearls.  One at a time. Cross the bridge of the streets when you get to it.  You might be be surprised to find it's less hard than you expect.  First deal with the now. When is the funeral?  Being around family will give you strength and you can stock up on hugs for a while.  You're going through so much that I'd suggest dealing with it in bite sized chunks.  You're smart, strong, compassionate and did your very best to make it work. 

awww thanks! i am so glad i am here because this will be the most breakup support i ever had! the funeral is next week... .he's being so cold about it... .but i guess he has to have his armor up too... .i am pretty hard to resist... .for him at least. 

their dog is pretty funny... .it sits up and watches tv like a human. maybe i can do some side work in their neighborhood as a dog walker... .who knows... .

it is just near where my dad used to work... .so many memories... .it is a small town... .so... .the streets hold a lot of memories... .i will need mantras... .it is okay... .this is now... .your dad is safe and okay now... .he is at peace... .something... .

yes... .this is a not so great time, but i have to keep pushing forward somehow... .i need hugs though!

[babyducks]

i'm still here overseas... .i am typing away... .not worrying about him hearing... .

so you and him are still living together?

[Feelinstronger]

Please know that you do have a great deal of people here sending moral support.  And I will send prayers for you as you go through this awful time.  I am sorry for the loss of your grandfather. And so sorry that your partner could not give you comfort and support.  I am currently trying to heal from a nearly 7 year relationship.  So I can understand your pain.  It is tough to plow forward, but I can tell from your thoughtful posts that you WILL find the inner strength and resolve to see yourself through to the other side.  AS sad as losing someone you love is, there will be the hope of a more stable life for your future. May God bless you and protect you during the days ahead, Pearlsw.

[Harley Quinn]

Pearls, wrap your arms around yourself and squeeze whenever you need to.  I taught my little guy to hug himself whenever he's not with me and needs a cuddle from mama.  Give yourself the contact you need.  I've just done it and it's very soothing.  

[5xFive]

Pearlsw,
Hugs to you.       
You have done everything you could to make this work. I’ve read some of your posts, and I’ve read your replies to others. You are amazing! You have such strength inside of you. You’re going to go through a really hard time, no doubt, but you will come through the other end.
As you said. It just didn’t work out.
I hope being in your hometown is easier than you think. Love on that puppy and post here often.
 

[Radcliff]

Pearls,

Your efforts to save your relationship were heroic.  You set the bar high for empathy in the face of poor treatment.  You are a caring, compassionate, wonderful person.  And in this very thread you are continuing to teach.  You have a family here that you have supported and we will stand by you through this.



WW 

[pearlsw]

so you and him are still living together?

yes, we are still under the same roof. he is cold, but peaceful... .i think his family has an eye on him... .he has talked about wanting to kill himself, but won't because of his kids he says... .he does not want to "shock them." he is willing to take the financial hit of this too... .it's taken him awhile to get to that point, but he is in a lot of emotional pain... .thought we both wanted to work on things, we did, we were, but he nearly caught me typing here... .i said i was writing in a journal, but would not show him that is what triggered this month long meltdown... .and then when i tried to get outside help from a local community person/male authority person... .geez, i was desperate, he'd left me a few weeks ago with not enough food or a way to wash my clothes, i didn't know what was next... .so, i need to focus on that part... .he was sorry and said it was not intentional that he'd scared me so much... .but he did ignore my requests for assistance at that time... .and make more drama... .I think we may have worked this all out if we'd had more time alone lately, but who knows... .maybe it was just bandaids on a giant wound that would never heal... .maybe we both damaged our relationship too much to right things... .but I really believed we both had a spirit to try, him more troubled because of his mood swings... .you know how it is... .you can be certain who someone with such issues, at least in his case, or what he was thinking or wanting... .now all he sees is his own pain and mine and me be d--ned.

[pearlsw]

Please know that you do have a great deal of people here sending moral support.  And I will send prayers for you as you go through this awful time.  I am sorry for the loss of your grandfather. And so sorry that your partner could not give you comfort and support.  I am currently trying to heal from a nearly 7 year relationship.  So I can understand your pain.  It is tough to plow forward, but I can tell from your thoughtful posts that you WILL find the inner strength and resolve to see yourself through to the other side.  AS sad as losing someone you love is, there will be the hope of a more stable life for your future. May God bless you and protect you during the days ahead, Pearlsw.

Thank you so much for these beautiful words. I will definitely read this and everyone's comments for comfort time and again.

I am glad I've had this site... .it will help me to look back with less regret than I would have otherwise... .I can feel confident I did my best with a very troubled situation and that his issues run very deep. I wish we'd had more time to make things better and turn things around - I hate to feel like I've "quit" something... .I am not one to give up easily... .and the loss of the dream we started and knowing we can never make any of it happen is hard... .but not much left to do... .It'll be good, ultimately, to just be able to focus on me and not do so much of his emotional work, not be so tied up in that... .It will also be nice not to feel so paralyzed and stuck in life... .and to not have to hide parts of myself because of his intense extreme reactions to everything... .

Thanks for the hug tip HQ,  , sounds like a good idea for now! Luckily I come from a family of very warm and affectionate people so I'm gonna stock up on extra hugs next week... .I can look forward in these next years to more time with all of them... .I'm going to try to make losing the grandparents into a chance to get closer with them... .it's what the grandparents would have wanted to see... .wish it had happened sooner for all of us... .

thankyou Feelinstronger... .i appreciate your words of comfort very much and am so grateful about it! i am sorry for your struggles as well!  

thanks 5byfive, Thanks so much for the hugs! How kind of you - really! Oh, and it's a full-sized dog! I can already picture me going along with her on many trips to a doggie park.

Hey WW, you are a great example around here - so helpful in the face of your own troubles and always willing to lend support!

I think it will be important going forward to be really focused on myself, to find the parts of myself that have been buried under his emotions and layers of life problems... .I always resisted the downsides of being with him, with all I had... .I have never been stripped of dignity by anyone in my life, had my privacy taken, he even thought he was entitled to all of my thoughts... .it was simply too emotionally intense... .the illness part of it kept me sympathetic and solution-oriented... .It will be good to get back as fast as possible to the person I was before this started... .and to rebuild my life in a healthy fashion... .I am not sure I even want to spend much time thinking about the good times we had... .it will not help me going forward... .I never like to speak ill of ex's... .I don't know... .I am just glad that this breakup I am surrounded by such an understanding group of people... .the community here!

I have to let go of the idea he will wake up be the person who said he wanted to make things better, that I understood him better than anyone... .and accept that breaking up is now what constitutes "better" for both of us... .Sad, tragic, but true now.

[Radcliff]

Breakups tend to make me feel a bit low…every one I’ve had typically triggers the loss of my father to cancer after a seven year battle... .

Well, I am nervous because I am likely going to stay with relatives in the town I grew up and never expected to ever go to to live in again…. the town is also traumatic for me…the streets hold a lot of memories…I’d like to move to an entirely new town because I can’t handle…I mean the streets…the town is small, on a small grid…and I remember driving those streets with my dad to and from his work, or later on my own…and it is just a geography of pain and trauma….I get these involuntary twitches sometimes… 

Pearls, your description here gives me a new level of understanding of the pain associated with your hometown.  I had not known that your dad's battle was seven years long.  That is a long time.  You were young.  You are describing trauma responses similar to what others have experienced from other traumatic events.  There are effective therapies such as EMDR that can help with this.  If you get back to your hometown and don't find peace after a time, help is possible.  You should have a chance to drive the streets of your hometown feeling that place as the center of your dad's love for you, with the pain muted and distant, the love in the foreground.  Such a thing is possible.  You have been carrying this pain for so many years.  It is not a problem to solve today, but I wanted to convey my belief that you can get to a much better place with this, that you deserve to get to a much better place with this.

 

WW

[pearlsw]

yes, it was long... .and i had to gear up/prepare for him to die three times before he did die... .at a young-ish age.

i get those twitches sometimes, but not all the time... .i knew it was trauma related... .i have been treating all my own trauma and anxiety for years and won't have medical coverage when i get there... .for anything... .but with time... .

and i can already imagine getting flashbacks... .i still sometimes have dreams where i'm not quite grasping that he is dead... .and i must admit my aunt said some weird stuff about the time surrounding his death that was totally not true and we got into a bit of a disagreement about, but hopefully that won't come up again... .she was saying things that i am 100% sure are not true and i gave factual reasons why, but she was trying to assert that i was blocking something out, i wasn't and have lots of evidence that counters what she said, but... .i just hope she does not bring it up again... .

so, that is the main reason i put a lot into relationships and do all i can to prevent breakups, that is wrapped up in it and i've known this about myself since i was a teenager... .i am not as wrapped up in this trauma now... .but i am nervous to have it retriggered for me... .but of all the options i think this holds the most opportunity, love and support... .there are not perfect options... .it's a giant move across the globe... .but i like that they will support and help me make my life better... .the are encouraging and have a tendency to take in people in need... .they offered to help in a very loving way and without hesitation... .ultimately i imagine this to be a very healing option... .we'll see... .

thanks for your support!

[pearlsw]

what happened to me was as I got better,... .as I grew and became somewhat more healthy emotionally and with relationship skills,  my Ex pushed me away harder.

I can't tell you the ludicrous efforts she went to, to destroy the relationship.    with 20/20 hindsight I wonder if the very vague idea of heading down a more healthy road was so overwhelming frightening she had to destroy it.   

and then sometimes it was like she was preprogrammed to destroy relationships, regardless of what I did or didn't do.

this is so insightful and really helps! i can use all the reminders that i saw what i saw in this person... .he tried at times to say "i was sick" and tear me down in lots of ways... .but I am sure he had these traits... .we both did things to horribly damage the relationship... .we both said we wanted to work it out... .I am sad he gave up and we didn't get to have a better relationship.

[babyducks]

hi pearls

I can relate to the trauma you are talking about.    I have  the signs and symptoms of a trauma related stress disorder also.   

I know you have a lot on your plate right now but I wanted to point out two threads here on this site:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=315252.0

and

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=315257.0

i get those twitches sometimes, but not all the time... .i knew it was trauma related... .i have been treating all my own trauma and anxiety for years and won't have medical coverage when i get there... .for anything... .but with time... .

Pete Walker has been very helpful for me in dealing with to some of the flashbacks I experience.

I wanted to bring these to your attention if you hadn't already bumped into them.

'ducks

[pearlsw]

I can relate to the trauma you are talking about.    I have  the signs and symptoms of a trauma related stress disorder also. I know you have a lot on your plate right now but I wanted to point out two threads here on this site:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=315252.0

and

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=315257.0

Pete Walker has been very helpful for me in dealing with to some of the flashbacks I experience. I wanted to bring these to your attention if you hadn't already bumped into them.

'ducks

wow babyducks! i had not seen those. those look great! wow, we have such great resources here! super. it is not nearly as bad as it was, but it does happen... .hospital smells used to be hard for me too... .but i try to breathe and talk myself back into the present. thank you so much!  can't wait to read those further... .

[Radcliff]

Thanks, 'ducks!  I found those links to be helpful, too.  They gave me better insight into my experience as well as my wife's.

WW

[babyducks]

hi pearls

I think it will be important going forward to be really focused on myself, to find the parts of myself that have been buried under his emotions and layers of life problems... .I always resisted the downsides of being with him, with all I had... .

I noticed this in what you wrote.    I think there might be an interesting tie in with the threads that were linked in. 

I grew up with caretaker tendencies.    You might say I was trained for the job from a very early age.   I am wondering if maybe you were too pearls.   It sounds like maybe circumstances created for you an experience where as a child you needed to be tolerant of your father's limitations, willing to shoulder some of the burden of caretaking, compassionate about his ability to parent and his condition.

for me, when I ran into my pwBPD,  my caretaker tendencies dovetailed so nicely with her needs and tendencies we both ran to our extremes.    or in other words,  when the relationship got bumpy I went back to what I knew,  caretaking and doubled down on it.    She then doubled down on what she knew and we both ran to our extremes.   I kept doing the things I had learned to do more.    and she kept doing the things she had learned to do more.   and we spiraled out of control.

what do you think?

so in the link it says:   

Allow yourself to grieve. Flashbacks are opportunities to release old, unexpressed feelings of fear, hurt, and abandonment, and to validate - and then soothe the child's past experience of helplessness and hopelessness. Healthy grieving can turn our tears into self -compassion and our anger into self -protection.

what do you make of that?   to me I can see that flashbacks are opportunities to release old unexpressed feelings.     I've no idea what the heck healthy grieving can be.

'ducks