Dread coming home from work. Depression consumes me. I'm 22.

[pseudonymous]

I really hate to admit any kind of struggle in my life. I've never been fond of using the word stress. At this point, stress isn't enough to cover what I feel, been through, or am currently going through with a spouse that I strongly suspect has BPD.

Although, I'm sure this is nothing from what you all have witnessed and experienced yourselves. Individuals whom I suspect have much more patience towards those with these types of disorders.

It took me 2 1/2 years (the length of my marriage) to reach my wit's end and reach out to anyone for help. Aside from one other forum post I made on another website, here I am. Hoping to reach out to a new audience for advice. Hoping that someone will help me realize if enduring this acute emotional distress and abuse is worth it as a father of two kids with greater ambitions than to dread the drive home from work and hide this wave of depression that steadily consumes me.

I'm 22 years old, just finished with the military, made a huge career change with no previous academic experience, made the greatest strides towards my future within the past year, and am the sole provider of my family with a good-standing in finances and a great home. Some would say there is no misery in leading a life similar to this. To that I would respond: what they see is superficial. However, I still agree.

That's something anyone should be able to enjoy. Yet there was one person who made the entire journey crumble like a piece of garbage. Not one moment was pleasurable. It deeply saddens me. That same person is why I am here today. Because I know that this will never change; but I can't leave. I feel obligated, I feel stuck, I'm afraid and alone. I feel guilty for the thought of creating a better life for myself and my kids but I feel even more sad than I do guilty.

Thank you, those of you who took the time to read this introduction. I've browsed the site for a couple of days and have researched what I can about BPD with the little time that I have to myself. I haven't had a chance yet to read some forum posts but I look forward to gaining additional knowledge on this topic and to integrate with a community that I hope understands my situation.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

pseudonymous,



I'm sorry it's been a tough 2.5 years.  We understand the despair you describe, since many of us have similar stories.   I hope that after a few weeks on bpdfamily your feeling of isolation will go down.  I certainly remember having people tell me how awesome my family was... how lucky I was and thinking "yeah right... they don't know... ."  

Honestly, I figured I was the only person this had ever happened to.  Then I read SWOE (stop walking on eggshells) and I found bpdfamily... .and I got involved with some good therapists.

I'm also going to switch gears and welcome you as a military member as well.  I'm a retired Naval Aviator, I had a couple shore commands, had a great time in the military and was a public figure for a while after retirement.  Like you (and many other in the military) I had a plan (read mission in life) and I carried out that mission well.  Yet seemed plagued by this odd relationship with my wife... .which caused me great sadness.

Your military skills will serve you well, but I am going to need you to let us focus them.  :)irect assaults... .BAD, flanking maneuvers ... .GOOD.  :)etermination and consistency in the face of adversity is critical.

So... .take a look to the right of the screen.  Click on "choosing a path".  :)o some reading (I see you say you have looked around some already).  Make sure you take notes on what you are like "do what?" and also take notes when you are like "that's exactly what happens"

Post about those things.  Come back regularly and post.  After several posts I think we will get you pointed in the right direction.

Last:  OPSEC is critical.  I recommend using "incognito mode".  :)elete browser history of anything BPD.

You have enough on your plate without getting "busted" for learning about BPD.



FF

[Red5]

pseudonymous,

I echo Formflier's welcome!

I am glad you found this site, I came here a little over a year ago, and it has helped me immensely, I have been able to garner and gather much very valuable information about BPD.

I too am a former military person, .I thought I could fix just about anything, and withstand just about anything being a former Marine, but everyone does need a little help, some good intelligence once in a while, .well this is a great place for that.

We all have different stories and experiences to tell, and we can all learn and grow by listening to, and implementing the "tools" that we can learn about here.

How many times did we hear about knowledge, and the importance of it in the service, well that's the truth, learn all you can about BPD, and how you may be able to help your significant other, and also to be a better mate to your wife, and father to your children ire regardless of the circumstances, you will be able to improve your interactions with your wife with the tools of communications and actions that you will learn here.

I have referred to this new found knowledge of BPD behavior traits as my "decoder ring", .actually someone else here used that first ; )... .kind of silly yes, but still VERY serious when it comes down to the day in, day out; nuts and bolts and everyday facets of communication and relationship efforts that is my marriage, now I feel I can actually "read her code" so much better now that I understand more and more.

As Formflier said, you must exercise "opsec", .delete all traces of your activates here, very important to do that, iPhone, ipad, and computers... .

Again welcome,

Red5

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Pseudonymous-

Welcome to our community and our family.  I am very sorry for the confusion and sadness you're feeling, and want you to know, you've come to a good and safe place.

I'm not military, but I've figured out what OPSEC must be.  So use a password that only you would know... .something from your past.

We do NOT stand on ceremony here, so you don't need to use caution with what you share.  We are here to truly support one another through some very difficult times; and the more information you share, the better able we are to assist you.  You'll see that in time, so when you're ready, share what you feel comfortable sharing.

I hope that as you begin to understand more about your wife's illness and the fact that you are NOT to blame at all, that some of your sadness will lift.  In time you'll see that you do have choices for yourself and your children.

It is very clear that you're a very good and loving man.  We are here to support you in whatever ways you need. 

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[enlighten me]

Hi pseudonymous

I can totally relate to not wanting to go home. I was working in Afghanistan and would pray for a rocket attack just to delay my flight home. When I was home I would have panic attacks when I heard her car pull onto the drive. By the time I decided enough was enough I'm positive that I had a form of PTSD.

I stayed longer than I should have because I felt obliged to as we had a son together. Leaving saved my sanity and in all honesty was better for our son. Now he has at least one stable happy parent and doesn't have two of us constantly arguing. He also doesn't have to grow up seeing his dad constantly put down for any slight that his mum chooses to use.

[pseudonymous]

It took but 3 days to have this wonderful community amaze me. Thank you all for the warm welcomes and the valuable information that you provided. Thank you to those former military not only for serving but for being here as well. This goes to show that no matter the stature or character of a person, we're all human and need a lift every now and then. I appreciate you all contributing to this community and having people like myself feel welcome.

It's really funny to see that the rest of you also keep in mind with security. I thought that was something only I kept track of.

Honestly, I figured I was the only person this had ever happened to.  Then I read SWOE (stop walking on eggshells) and I found bpdfamily... .and I got involved with some good therapists.

I'm also going to switch gears and welcome you as a military member as well.  I'm a retired Naval Aviator, I had a couple shore commands, had a great time in the military and was a public figure for a while after retirement.  Like you (and many other in the military) I had a plan (read mission in life) and I carried out that mission well.  Yet seemed plagued by this odd relationship with my wife... .which caused me great sadness.

I'm really sorry that you had to endure that hardship. I do hope that you ended up happy near the end or are simply happier now. I remember looking up SWOE. Being someone who loves hardcover books but also is very aware of OPSEC and the like (airborne infantry -> now software developer), I honestly had no idea how I would be able to buy it and hide it out of paranoia. It only just occurred to me a few days ago that I could buy a digital copy for kindle. I really can't wait to get started on it. Also thank you for the plan to get started in this community, I hope to get right on that.

I too am a former military person, ... .I thought I could fix just about anything, and withstand just about anything being a former Marine, but everyone does need a little help, some good intelligence once in a while, ... .well this is a great place for that.

I have referred to this new found knowledge of BPD behavior traits as my "decoder ring", ... .actually someone else here used that first ; ) ... .kind of silly yes, but still VERY serious when it comes down to the day in, day out; nuts and bolts and everyday facets of communication and relationship efforts that is my marriage, now I feel I can actually "read her code" so much better now that I understand more and more.

I know that feeling, Red. A feeling like we've been through worse, how bad can it be? Oh boy. The decoder ring is an interesting way to look at it. I'll be honest and admit that I've tried that myself, being a programmer and all. Although there is no way I can learn that on my own. This is where you and this community comes in;which I am excited to have found and look forward to learning from.

Welcome to our community and our family.  I am very sorry for the confusion and sadness you're feeling, and want you to know, you've come to a good and safe place.

We do NOT stand on ceremony here, so you don't need to use caution with what you share.  We are here to truly support one another through some very difficult times; and the more information you share, the better able we are to assist you.  You'll see that in time, so when you're ready, share what you feel comfortable sharing.

I hope that as you begin to understand more about your wife's illness and the fact that you are NOT to blame at all, that some of your sadness will lift.  In time you'll see that you do have choices for yourself and your children.

It is very clear that you're a very good and loving man.  We are here to support you in whatever ways you need.

I sincerely appreciate the kind words, Gemsforeyes. I would like to comment that I take the anonymity here a bit serious. I will try my absolute best to provide accurate information for you all, while at the same time attempting to leave no holes that could possibly identify who I am even from a search engine. Is this something that is acceptable for the forums?

I can totally relate to not wanting to go home. I was working in Afghanistan and would pray for a rocket attack just to delay my flight home. When I was home I would have panic attacks when I heard her car pull onto the drive. By the time I decided enough was enough I'm positive that I had a form of PTSD.

I stayed longer than I should have because I felt obliged to as we had a son together. Leaving saved my sanity and in all honesty was better for our son. Now he has at least one stable happy parent and doesn't have two of us constantly arguing. He also doesn't have to grow up seeing his dad constantly put down for any slight that his mum chooses to use.

This almost precisely describes my situation and I would love it if we could talk some more about this in the near future? Your post closely depicts what I feel. My family, "she", is out of state right now and has been for a week. They come back in 48 hours. I don't feel very good about it. It's strange to think that every time she's made me feel that gut-wrenching feeling, I took the time to look up symptoms of PTSD. It's gotten so terrible that at this point my life feels methodical. I'm not sure what to feel about this person anymore. I'm beginning to feel empty and almost resent them.

Of course we made the choice to be with them. We expected rough spots, disputes. We never expected abuse. No one should. I am very happy that you and your son are living a better life now. You made the right choice.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Pseudonymous-

I can "feel" both the relief and the fear in your response.  Please know... .we have screen names for a reason, we are ALL anonymous.  It doesn't matter who you are, where you are, what you do for a living.  You can refer to your W as Mrs. P.  No real names at all.  No one here will google you.

If you have some time, read some of the posts and you'll see some detail of support that is provided.  When I came here, I had been searching the phrase "unprovoked rage in men".  It was an eye opener to begin to understand why my soul had been emptied.  And I had just begun to recover from a heart-wrenching divorce after a 19-year marriage.  I was NOT ready for more pain from my new, perfect love... .but here I was, drowning.

We, all of us, are navigating very choppy waters.  During the course of these relationships, And even when we're out of the relationships with pwBPD, there is a LOT of healing to do.  And a ton of learning and growing.

There is a deep understanding in this community because we are or have lived within these relationships.  I can say that anonymous friendships and deep respect are evident all over this site. 

But I understand,  when you're experiencing and living in a traumatic situation, every action you take can instill fear.  I get it.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[formflier]

Pseudonymous,

How are things going in your life and relationship?

What questions to you have about material you have read on bpdfamily?

FF