No going back, I have to let it all go.

[Depression = 72% of members]

As you know, my ex uBPD cane back after changing her number, we had 3 days of the usual circular arguing, silent treatment, the works, nothing is ever going to change.
I have deleted her contact, messages, and phone log, and changed my number, I didn't know her number from memory, but she knew mine. Even though she said, she wanted nothing to do with me, she has a way in, and I have to make changes for my well being.
I can't go back, it's exhausting and pointless.
I feel ok.
Onwards and upwards.

[Pencil sketch]

As you know, my ex uBPD cane back after changing her number, we had 3 days of the usual circular arguing, silent treatment, the works, nothing is ever going to change.
I have deleted her contact, messages, and phone log, and changed my number, I didn't know her number from memory, but she knew mine. Even though she said, she wanted nothing to do with me, she has a way in, and I have to make changes for my well being.
I can't go back, it's exhausting and pointless.
I feel ok.
Onwards and upwards.

[EdR]

Your title describes how I 'feel' rationally. I know I feel quite differently emotionally.

From time to time I feel like:

-) should I have taken more risk? Should I have ignored the gossip and smear campaign and thus NOT be more careful?
-) can this one message perhaps make her reflect on things? Paint me white again? Or at least give me some closure?

and even:
-) does she truly have BPD or BPD traits? Or is this all just a convenient label to be able to deal with a situation I do not understand?

I know that I struggle to get my feelings on the same page as my rational thoughts. And I know that is a process... .which could take a while...

How would you personally see this?

[Pencil sketch]

Thanks for your reply EdR. I went through the same emotions as you, will this message reasonate, make her realise, what she is doing, was she BPD, was I BPD, and I have to say, the 3 days of communication, made me realise, this/she will never change, it's an argument leading nowhere, if she grasped what I was trying to say, and me her, we could have something to build with.
Something in me clicked, don't get me wrong, it still hurts, but it's as if my heart, has finally said, time to bail, brain, I know what you have been trying to say.
I love her, the good part of her, and have to continue my healing journey, but can see, how it all works, I have a path I can follow.
She will be my Achilles heel, she knows it, and so do I, I have to leave this behind, for my own sanity, I sent her o be last message, but as I suspected, she didn't reply, and I just shrugged my shoulders, I can't keep using her condition, as an excuse for my misery, I can change, and I am starting to.

[TurbanCowboy]

Thanks for your reply EdR. I went through the same emotions as you, will this message reasonate, make her realise, what she is doing, was she BPD, was I BPD, and I have to say, the 3 days of communication, made me realise, this/she will never change, it's an argument leading nowhere, if she grasped what I was trying to say, and me her, we could have something to build with.
Something in me clicked, don't get me wrong, it still hurts, but it's as if my heart, has finally said, time to bail, brain, I know what you have been trying to say.
I love her, the good part of her, and have to continue my healing journey, but can see, how it all works, I have a path I can follow.
She will be my Achilles heel, she knows it, and so do I, I have to leave this behind, for my own sanity, I sent her o be last message, but as I suspected, she didn't reply, and I just shrugged my shoulders, I can't keep using her condition, as an excuse for my misery, I can change, and I am starting to.

In the same boat. My wife sabotaged our relationship with her behavior for years.  I used to say, “I can’t believe you are doing this again.” There was never any reasoning with my wife and there still is no reasoning with her after moving out.

I’ve been out of the house for 45 days and the replacement has already moved in and my sinus calling him Papi which just shows how insane my Latina wife is. She used to joke around with me about our son calling me Papi and now my son is calling some guy my wife has had an affair with Papi.

This is such a stupid long term decision for my wife as it does nothing but validate that she has a problem.  What will my son think one day? My wife has poisoned my ability to call him because he wants to talk about Papi, he doesn’t know any better.

An in ability to consider long term consequences is not something that I see discussed much with BPD, but it seems to me to be a major part of the problem. Really goes hand and hand with impulsivity which is a huge problem for her.

[EdR]

Yeah... .same here. When she seemed to paint me somewhat white again I knew we needed to talk about stuff to be able to avoid the splitting black all over again. We never had that talk though... .it was just like nothing ever happened.

And low and behold: just as expected she eventually split black again... .

I wish I could say my mind and heart are thinking the same thing now   That still needs some work... .

Great to hear you are doing better though! I remember that from another pwBPD: eventually I reached such a point of as well. A kind of 'I can only give up'  and I was finally able to let go.

[Pencil sketch]

It must be harder, when kids are involved.
I admit, I completely lost it yesterday, had a few glasses of wine, and blew her phone up, stupid I know, but I hope she reads all of it, and something in that twisted mind of hers, realises, what she is doing, is wrong. Despite the condition, they must have a basic knowledge of right and wrong, or maybe I am deluded.
I have deleted all traces of her, so I won't be tempted to re-engage, and she has no way of getting to me.
Why do I feel like the crazy one right now?

[babyducks]

hi there pencil sketch,

Let me throw out a couple of thoughts for you to consider.

This is what I learned through my painful experience.

Time and Distance Do Not Create Change or a different experience by themselves.  They can help.    but they didn't make me feel any different.

If I didn't do something with my feelings,  I ended up going right back into the cycle of conflict.   which could look like have a few glasses of wine and sending a barrage of text messages.   

The only person I can change is myself.    I can't change anyone else.  I can't make them understand my point of view.   I can't force them to see my side of things.     Saying it over and over again,  louder and louder is not only counter productive, it injures me.

Do you think it might be possible that you feel like the crazy one right now because you are still engaging in the cycle of conflict?

'ducks

[Pencil sketch]

Thanks for the reply. I was starting to work on myself, but this proves, I have a little further to go. It's  not her breaking contact, she will do it anyway, it's my responses.
There is that hope, that they have had a change of heart, and see the light, but I now know, it's always going to be like this.
I have to give my emotions time to settle down again, and do some work on myself.
Why do I let myself be treated this way, knowing, it will only make me feel worse in the long run.
It's a blip, and I have to put it down to experience, and learn from it.
JADE helped me see the error if my ways, I gave her too much, and that's what I have to look at.
Much food for thought.

[babyducks]

Hi Pencil Sketch,

I thought I understood people, and relationships until I went to the BPD College of Education and then I found out what I knew was squat  rudimentary.

This is the high level discussion post break up board so I am going to suggest there is usually a reason we get hooked on these relationships,  on trying to get our point across,  on hoping someone else is going to change to make us (me) happy.

You are right,  time will allow your feelings to settle down.   What I learned was that settling down and going away were two different things.

Right now I don't so much want my feelings to go away as to change into something that makes me stronger.

What do you think?    Is there something to learn here that will grow you (and us) into a better person?

'ducks

[Missingpieces17]

I read an article by a psychiatrist specializing in BPD that said that co-dependent relationships are common with BPD and frequently the non-BPD suffered similar types of wounds to their developing sense of self so that this coupling often feels like you've found your soulmate or like you're two pieces of a puzzle that fit together. I've identified strongly with that begauae it discusses the people pleasing behavior in those with co-dependency issues like what I have. Sadly I tried sharing this with my uBPDxbf and was told that it's disgusting. Something in me was drawn to him from the day we met. The way he carried himself, spoke, his dominant personality, his charm. I've never felt anything so powerful or painful as that relationship and am still struggling to maintain nc. He always initiates it. I almost feel I have to block his number to keep myself from talking to him.

[Pencil sketch]

Missingpieces, I can relate, she kept saying, I couldn't keep away, and when I asked why she came back, I too was met with a barrage of abuse. It seems, we are on very different ends of the same spectrum, something triggers them, where as, we are triggerd all the time, it's akin to two marbles being pushed together.
Our reasons, however, are very different, she wants nothing to do with me, doesn't want a relationship, hates my guts, yet she couldn't give an answer. She did give a curt, goodbye, so I am hoping, that signifies, for her, she has found out what she needs to.
I really don't want her to reconnect, but there is that ever shrinking part of me, that wants her to, even though I know, it's a pointless exercise.
I am left, confused and exhausted again.
A comment made earlier resonated, we cant forget them, but we have to make our defences stronger, which is bloody hard, when they pop back in, and bulldoze them.
It really is a complete paradox.

[babyducks]

hello again pencil,

let me ask a hard question for a minute.   do they really pop back in and bulldoze us or are we vulnerable ?   or is it both?

I know this is like the chicken and the egg question. 

It's  not her breaking contact, she will do it anyway, it's my responses.

I think this hits the nail on the head.   It's all about our responses.   

I am NOT saying she is right or blameless or behaving in a healthy way.
I am NOT saying your are wrong, or at fault.

What I am suggesting is what we can have impact on is how we respond.

I too tend to believe what Missingpieces said.   there is a reason we respond the way we do

and frequently the non-BPD suffered similar types of wounds to their developing sense of self so that this coupling often feels like you've found your soulmate or like you're two pieces of a puzzle that fit together.

'ducks

[Pencil sketch]

Yes, that is it, we are in a precarious position, half of us preparing for them to come back, defences up, the other half trying to be indifferent. I think, the attraction is with the chaos they cause, it's exciting as it is exhausting, and to a degree, it's giving us attention.
We are two peas in a very dysfunctional pod.
I haven't found the answers yet, but I hope with reflection and a little self love, they will come to me.

[Missingpieces17]

Today my therapist compared it to a drug addiction (although having seen the physical suffering first hand I wouldn't necessarily agree) but the point is the mental hold it has on you, the need to keep going back is so strong. I feel the same way pencil sketch, rationally I don't want him to contact me because I know the pain it will inevitably cause but I have that nagging voice in my head wondering if he will try or what if he needs me and that causes me to keep unblocking the number. Therapist said that this is narcissistic on my part to think that I am the thing he needs and I would have to agree. I'm not what he needs, I am a trigger for him though my intentions are good.

I also agree that it's the excitement and chaos that some of us get hooked on. He is the most passionate person I've ever known. He loves and hates with such intensity. We could spend hours talking, again like I found my soul mate. Being with him was breath taking but in a flash it would be pulled away and replaced by disgust and anger with me. I read something earlier, maybe on this site, about intensity vs intimacy. I think I need to work on that.

[Pencil sketch]

Hey missing, I don't think us wanting them to reach out to us, makes us narcissistic, it's a need they have created, and they know it. The basis for our needs, come from core wounds, but we have dealt/evolved with it in different ways, and I think that is due to the kind of people we are. We, as empaths, need to feel wanted, validated loved, and want to help.
They feel bitter, twisted, want to blame the world for whats happened, whoa is me, I didn't deserve this, I am going to make everyone pay.
I think, we trigger something in them, and due to our damaged childhoods, we have this inexplicable bond, that feeling 'they are the one' we eminate feelings, they haven't experienced, but due to their stunted emotional development, they can't process or handle It, but they keep going back.
It's a bit like a stray dog, the human contact is familiar, natural, but it also means danger, and sadness, so they are very cautious.
Just a theory.
Just a thought

[Missingpieces17]

I can identify with what you're saying. Such a confusing dynamic. I spent the first couple months of meeting him asking myself what in the world was going on because of the push and pull I couldn't tell from one day to the next if he wanted a relationship. And then the day came that he said he loved me and I belonged to him and sadly things just got worse from there.

I hope you and I can both keep focus and avoid any further contact.

[Pencil sketch]

Funnily enough, I always said to her, if she ever opened up emotionally, I would always pay for it later, and I did. She Is, and has always been very guarded with her emotions, although, she was the first one to say, we 'were in love'
It seems, the window of opportunity, with these people, to get them, thinking in a logical, non defensive way, is small, and by the time we react, the moment passed, and they revert to type, worse than before.
I have the urge to contact her, but the more I read on here, and relate it to her, it isn't so irresistible, in our case, a little knowledge, could be our saviour.
Message me anytime, I have your back.

[Missingpieces17]

Same with my ex. It took so long for him to start letting his guard down and once he did his behavior worsened. I understand that a lot of this disorder stems from fear of abandonment so maybe once they start to love/care, it triggers that fear more? I was the first to say I love you but he dragged it out of me. He used to say, "you love me don't you? I can tell." When I finally said yes he asked me to say it and then later to say it again like he was getting such an emotional high from it. It took him some days before he started saying it back. For me, finally getting that from him felt like such a triumph because I had to work so hard to earn enough trust for him to say it.

I was thinking about him this morning and got that urge to unblock him, wondering if he's tried to contact me and if he's okay. I guess I can see the addiction comparison. Sometimes I miss him so much it makes my stomach hurt and that makes me feel like a masochist because how can I long for someone who hurts me so bad? So I got on here instead.

I know you've been on here longer than I have but if you haven't read the boards about making it work, I wouldn't suggest it because it just made me feel like I could've done better or something more. Gravity by Sara Bareilles (sp?) describes my feelings perfectly. You can message me anytime as well!

[Pencil sketch]

We can go round and round in circles, and we do, trying to find something, anything, that would make sense.
We can't, we aren't dealing with 'regular' emotions, and although I still struggle, I never want to go back there.
Do they join forums like this to find peace?
Try to make sense of what we do?
We have accounts from many other people suffering, but each BPD is very unique, with their own blue-print.
We have to maybe accept, these people will be in our lives for a long time, there is something about us they need, and vice versa, they can shut us away, and call on us, when the circumstances dictate.
It's down to us, to work on ourselves, and accept, this is how it Is, even when contact is impossible, we need to reach a place of difference.
I pointed out to mine, the opposite of love, isn't hate, but indifference, and that her constantly telling me, she hated my guts, gave me very much mixed messages.
I have reached the conclusion, they don't want 'us' we are too complicated, they want how we make them feel, they can't have both, it's like a homesick child, wanting the feeling of being at home, but not wanting the emotional baggage, living with a dysfunctional family brings, when I mentioned this, she accused me of being an emotional vampire, and leading her on, and why oh why, do I keep making her life so miserable.
I did point out, that she willingly brought herself back into the situation  again, she changed the subject.

[Pencil sketch]

Sorry, a few typing errors.

[Missingpieces17]

Well said. I would say that in my instance, no he's not going to forums and trying to understand because he's perfectly content with laying all the blame on me. I'm willing to own my portion of it because no one is perfect but I cannot and will not accept full responsibility and ultimately that's what he wants. Good for you for having the perspective that you never want to go back to that life.

[babyducks]

Hi Pencil Sketch,

I had a few thoughts as I read through your posts.

In no particular order here they are:

BPD is a spectrum disorder.   People can have traits of the disorder with out being diagnosable.   They can be high functioning.    Many of the partners of people here would be considered high functioning.   They can also be low functioning.

BPD is an illness that exists on the B Cluster.    And it can be comorbid with other illnesses.    It is a serious mental illness.     The name Borderline comes from it being on the border between neurosis and psychosis.     

So indeed one size does not fit all.

People who suffer from this illness have a very difficult time regulating their emotions.    In fact there is a move to change the name from Borderline to Emotional Dysregulation disorder.    which I think would make more sense.

what it means to not be able to regulate your emotions is, it's like having no brakes on your car.    once you start to feel something you can't turn it off and you can't slow it down.    It's not a matter of not being logical.    Or not understanding the facts.   It living with emotions that are so loud you can't hear anything else.

Do they join forums like this to find peace?

Yes they do.   There are several very good forums out there for BPD sufferers.   pwBPD live with crippling fears of abandonment and rejection sensitivity.   and long for peace from the chaotic emotions.

 

I have reached the conclusion, they don't want 'us' we are too complicated,

I wouldn't exactly say that.   pwBPD desperately want to be loved,   more than anything else they want to be loved and they are terrified of it at the same time.     

Hence the push/pull right?

It's an illness,... .

'ducks

[stixx44]

Like most people here, I am very conflicted.  I have not contacted her since Nov 20.  She, however, broke NC twice during Christmas week with texts bemoaning how heartbroken and terrible she feels about our breakup ( initiated by her, btw).  I just replied kindly that I was sorry she felt so bad.

My crazy mind was so happy she texted that... .I want her to feel bad.  But my sane self knows she’s toxic... .like a seductive siren.  Unlike many other posters, she has never said she hates me.  Quite the opposite.  She “loves me too much” and can’t handle that feeling.

My impulse is to wait another month and contact her, hoping time and space will improve things.  But then I get a grip and know nothing will change, so I hopefully won’t give in to that feeling.

It’s a daily grind, to be sure.  She’s always in the back of my mind.  I’m stupidly always hoping she makes contact.  And knowing her, she just might.  I have to be prepared and pray daily for strength to do the right thing for me in the long run.

I sympathize with everyone here who is caught in this whirlpool that we never thought would find us.

[Pencil sketch]

Stixx44, today, I am like you. Very conflicted. I love her, I hate her, I resent her, I feel sorry for her, rinse and repeat. She isn't there, she knows my number, and it's as if, I will never be free. Today is a huge struggle, and I feel lost again.
I am trying to find, one positive comment, not about me, but about our time together, and I can't remember one damn thing.
8 weeks, and she sticks the knife in again, and has buggered off.
Tomorrow is another day hey

[Missingpieces17]

Pencil Sketch and Stixx44, sorry you're both having a rough day. Yesterday was like that for me. It took all I had not to contact him. I unblocked his number. I read something that said you're either all in or all out, there's no halfway. That gave me some clarity. I need to let go completely because I know I can't go back to the relationship. Wishing I could see him just one more time accomplishes nothing. I too find myself wishing he would contact me but I try to remember that it will be followed by frustration and pain. I hope you both have a better day tomorrow!

[babyducks]

many times here we talk about trauma bonding and toxic hope.    those are very specific terms,... .almost technical terms one might say.    I'd suggest you google.   I like Sharie Stines Psy.D on the topic.

my understanding of trauma bonding goes like this.    people in unhealthy relationship where there is an environment of intensity, complexity, inconsistency, and a promise will overly fixate trying to achieve the promise.   or the toxic hope.

its a primitive coping mechanism that we all have.      very very very simply when we get a reward we want it again.  and we keep going back to the source.  but sometimes we do the exact same thing and we don't get the reward.   and then we try harder.   with the same intermittent results.    that promise,  that toxic hope is so important to us we feel compelled to try again.


glad you joined the conversation stixx44 

My impulse is to wait another month and contact her, hoping time and space will improve things.  But then I get a grip and know nothing will change, so I hopefully won’t give in to that feeling.

I noticed you said this and wanted to say hi and mention something about time and space.  pwBPD will occasionally manage their struggle to be in a relationship by managing the distance in a relationship.   

it can be stressful to be in a relationship,  especially a new relationship... .so a lot of the push/pull,   a lot of that I love you go away / I hate you don't leave me can be a pwBPD coping with their heightened emotions.

not saying you should or shouldn't contact her in a month... .but in a month the stress of the relationship will have eased and her emotions will be in a different place.   just my two cents.

'ducks

[Pencil sketch]

Great advice ducks, I am applying it to my situation, and have left her a message, asking for a period of no contact, whether she reads it or not, is a different matter, it was simple, and to the point.
I really need to use this time, to my advantage, and figure out, why she comes back, and doesn't just stay away, but more importantly, why I still care about what she does.
Thanks xx

[savreina]

Not sure if I’m in the right message board but I was just wondering why ex block you? Mine has blocked me several times ( my number, Snapchat & Facebook) but recently as in yesterday she blocked me again on fb but she won’t block her ex bf who outted the fact that she likes females to her mom? All of her anger was directed towards me instead of him & I don’t get it? She’s friends with all of her exes who are guys I believe but hates me? I feel bad but I’m tired of apologizing, when she’s the one who’s hurt me twice

[Pencil sketch]

Welcome saverina, the questions you ask, are the reason why boards like this, were created. I haven't been on here that long, but my suggestion would be, educate yourself, read through posts, look at the additional lessons, and info.
More importantly, get it out of your head, you are dealing with someone, who has 'normal emotions/reactions.
In response to your question, I believe, they have an anchor, people they Know, who they can return to, be it for an emotional punch bag, to make themselves feel superior, whatever, and we provide that.
My situation has been going on for almost 7 months after she finished with me (again) and alot of the learning, has to do with our responses, not their actions.
Keep posting, and good luck xxx

[savreina]

I feel stuck, I’ve never felt like this about anyone. I usually get over ppl pretty fast, not because I want to but because I have to. I’m an Aquarius , but I know I have to let her go, my mind won’t let me. All I do is think about her