Bizarre behaviors

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am hoping to provide an outlet for those of us who are dealing with an ex or coparent who acts out or does things that are totally illogical/irrational. One thing I've learned about my ex is how absolutely predictable she is. I may not know what she is going to do, but I can nearly always tell when she is going to do something crazy. Today was one of those days.

My ex has made a habit of getting our daughter (3) dressed up, nails painted, eye shadow, etc. before bringing them back to me. Typically she posts pictures of her all over social media, like she's in a beauty pageant. It bothers me, but I don't engage her over it. Today, I get the kids back and find that she has dyed our daughter's hair pink. I asked "I'm assuming this will wash out?" She said "yeah, after about 20 washes".

I am still seething over it, and it's taking everything I have to not to say anything to her. I know she wants me to be angry about it, so I won't let her see it bother me. I am hoping that getting it off my chest here will help. I'm also hoping to hear from others dealing with this same kind of behavior. It's difficult to keep dealing with these things alone and unable to confront her about them.

[Skyhawk]

I am hoping to provide an outlet for those of us who are dealing with an ex or coparent who acts out or does things that are totally illogical/irrational. One thing I've learned about my ex is how absolutely predictable she is. I may not know what she is going to do, but I can nearly always tell when she is going to do something crazy. Today was one of those days.

My ex has made a habit of getting our daughter (3) dressed up, nails painted, eye shadow, etc. before bringing them back to me. Typically she posts pictures of her all over social media, like she's in a beauty pageant. It bothers me, but I don't engage her over it. Today, I get the kids back and find that she has dyed our daughter's hair pink. I asked "I'm assuming this will wash out?" She said "yeah, after about 20 washes".

I am still seething over it, and it's taking everything I have to not to say anything to her. I know she wants me to be angry about it, so I won't let her see it bother me. I am hoping that getting it off my chest here will help. I'm also hoping to hear from others dealing with this same kind of behavior. It's difficult to keep dealing with these things alone and unable to confront her about them.

[Turkish]

What does your daughter think about this,  and how long do you have her on your custody time? Seems like her mom is treating her like a doll. 

[Skyhawk]

What does your daughter think about this,  and how long do you have her on your custody time? Seems like her mom is treating her like a doll. 

At three, my daughter loves it. My ex uses it as a way to drive a wedge between me and my daughter. Think ":)addy doesn't like you getting dressed up, but I think it makes you beautiful".

The good news is the kids only go to mom two days a week, with no overnights. That seriously limits their exposure to this stuff, but it also means I am having to deal with the aftermath alone. Mom gets to do the 'fun' stuff, and sends them home to me to be parented.

[livednlearned]

Mom gets to do the 'fun' stuff, and sends them home to me to be parented.

Mom is probably not validating the girls' emotional reality, whereas you can.

My son had 3-hour visits with his dad, Sat and Sun, and it was similar to what you describe (minus the pink hair  ). n/BPDx would let then S10 play inappropriate video games, which he loved. Then he would come to me and talk nonstop about the games. Some of it I found disturbing, and similar to what you said, I knew if I mentioned it to his dad, n/BPDx would likely just do it more.

Then, one day S10 was drawing and blurted out that his dad never went outside anywhere with him, they just stayed in the house all the time. I asked him how that made him feel. He said all his dad wanted to do was play video games and sometimes he didn't even play with S10, just set things up and then left the room. I could tell he was upset about it, and that given a choice, he would prefer a dad who was available, not a Disney dad.

You may get a window into those feelings at some point. Keep asking your daughter how things make her feel -- not leading questions, just curious inquiries into how she feels about stuff.

As she gets older and wants to do things different than what her mom wants, there will likely be discord, either internally or, depending on D3's personality, externally. If you validate how she feels about her mom not recognizing her emotional reality, she will share more with you as time goes on, and you'll become the emotionally safe parent.
LnL

[Skyhawk]

Mom is probably not validating the girls' emotional reality, whereas you can.

My son had 3-hour visits with his dad, Sat and Sun, and it was similar to what you describe (minus the pink hair  ). n/BPDx would let then S10 play inappropriate video games, which he loved. Then he would come to me and talk nonstop about the games. Some of it I found disturbing, and similar to what you said, I knew if I mentioned it to his dad, n/BPDx would likely just do it more.

Then, one day S10 was drawing and blurted out that his dad never went outside anywhere with him, they just stayed in the house all the time. I asked him how that made him feel. He said all his dad wanted to do was play video games and sometimes he didn't even play with S10, just set things up and then left the room. I could tell he was upset about it, and that given a choice, he would prefer a dad who was available, not a Disney dad.

You may get a window into those feelings at some point. Keep asking your daughter how things make her feel -- not leading questions, just curious inquiries into how she feels about stuff.

As she gets older and wants to do things different than what her mom wants, there will likely be discord, either internally or, depending on D3's personality, externally. If you validate how she feels about her mom not recognizing her emotional reality, she will share more with you as time goes on, and you'll become the emotionally safe parent.
LnL

It is interesting that you say all this, as it is exactly what she is doing to our son. She immediately bought him a video game system after the divorce, even though she and I were adamantly against video games up until that point. He is not shy about telling me how he plays his games from the time he gets to her house until the time he leaves.

I still do not allow video games in my house, and I limit his TV time to 30 minutes a day. As such, he loves going to Mom's, because she lets him play his games. However, he is always completely exhausted when I get him back from her. He is often dehydrated, as she gives him soda instead of water. He loves going there to play his games, but is frequently miserable when I get him back. I am wondering how long it will be before he decides it may not be so much fun anymore.

[livednlearned]

I am wondering how long it will be before he decides it may not be so much fun anymore.

My son loves video games. Still. That part has not changed.

What changed is that I validated him, his whole emotional existence. I see him, his real self. And when he got frustrated, I helped him work through his distress. I also put a lot of effort into being present with him, listening to him, doing things with him that improved skills like riding bikes, tying shoes, swimming in the deep end, helping him with school projects.

One time my son asked me, Would daddy love me if he didn't have to?

Broke.

My.

Heart.

This was after four straight hours of nothing but video games. Don't let the fun fool you -- I doubt the kids are fooled, even though they enjoy the activity, they are probably emotionally intelligent enough to know up from down.

My son still has lots of issues, altho I think in many ways he is now light-years ahead of his peers in knowing how to manage his feelings. He inherited some genetic sensitivities that make life difficult for him, on top of having a mentally ill dad, so there's always that  

Keep being a good dad.

It really does make a difference.

LnL

[Skyhawk]

My son loves video games. Still. That part has not changed.

What changed is that I validated him, his whole emotional existence. I see him, his real self. And when he got frustrated, I helped him work through his distress. I also put a lot of effort into being present with him, listening to him, doing things with him that improved skills like riding bikes, tying shoes, swimming in the deep end, helping him with school projects.

One time my son asked me, Would daddy love me if he didn't have to?

Broke.

My.

Heart.

This was after four straight hours of nothing but video games. Don't let the fun fool you -- I doubt the kids are fooled, even though they enjoy the activity, they are probably emotionally intelligent enough to know up from down.

My son still has lots of issues, altho I think in many ways he is now light-years ahead of his peers in knowing how to manage his feelings. He inherited some genetic sensitivities that make life difficult for him, on top of having a mentally ill dad, so there's always that  

Keep being a good dad.

It really does make a difference.

LnL

This is good advice, and fits my situation well. I struggle with validating their feelings (my son in particular). I come from a long line of fathers who are excellent providers and role models, but not so good at being nurturing. I am working hard to fill both roles for him, but it is an uphill battle. I find it much easier with my daughter, possibly because I grew up with four little sisters. My only experience with boys is the relationship between me and my dad, which was strained for most of my childhood. That being said, my dad and I are best friends now. I guess like all parents, I just hope I am doing enough.

[david]

You mentioned in your other post that you have decision making authority. Perhaps you need to communicate that through legal or court that dying hair would require your agreeing first. I am not sure whether something like that falls under decision making either.
You might want to take pictures when D3 leaves and comes back from her moms. I don't have daughters so I am not sure if that is generally thought of as acceptable at that age.

[Skyhawk]

You mentioned in your other post that you have decision making authority. Perhaps you need to communicate that through legal or court that dying hair would require your agreeing first. I am not sure whether something like that falls under decision making either.
You might want to take pictures when D3 leaves and comes back from her moms. I don't have daughters so I am not sure if that is generally thought of as acceptable at that age.

I do have sole parental responsibility, and I will probably play that card prior to their next visit with mom. I am not sure that it would hold up in court, but it might make her think twice about doing it again, especially since we are currently going through another custody battle with her trying to gain timesharing. My attorney has also reached out to her attorney to explain the issue. Hopefully he will tell her to knock it off.

I have not considered taking before and after pictures of her at each visit. This is the first time she has done something like this, so I wasn't prepared for it. It is something I will consider moving forward, though.

[david]

My ex used to send our boys back with clothes that didn't fit, had holes in them, etc. I then made sure they wore the same clothes back to her. I thought that solved the problem. Shortly after that I noticed our youngest had no more underwear so I went out and bought more. They disappeared too. I finally realized ex was sending him to my place without underwear. I talked to him about making sure he always put underwear on before his pants. 
My ex did things like that all the time in the beginning. She was simply using the boys to get to me. I learned how to not show any emotion when she was near so she wouldn't get her fix. That did take practice. Eventually she stopped the crap because she wasn't getting what she wanted. Also, our boys were getting older and she couldn't pull that off on them.
I only communicate through email now and it is in our court order. I state facts and ignore all the taints, the verbal attacks, the innuendoes, etc. It has been fairly quiet the last few years with the exception of this last Christmas. I save all emails just in case.

[livednlearned]

You have a lot going in your favor, try to not get dragged into the side battles with her -- the long game is more important.

It might be best to go beige and just document things for now while the other machinery grinds forward.  You have what seem to be reputable third-party professionals involved and a favorable custody arrangement.

You want to be seen as the problem-solving parent, the person who can propose reasonable solutions. You don't want to come across as one half of a set of agitated parents bickering over what to court might seem like nothing.

For example, "My client appreciates that mom is making efforts to bond with D3, but respectfully requests that mom not use semi-permanent dye on D3's hair. Research suggests it's best to wait until after puberty before using products intended for adults."

I don't know if that's the right ask, it's more the mindset you want to present.

My custody battle was so litigious I was in court an average of once a month for one thing or other, and when someone came in who had a problem-solving mindset, it really stood out.

You want the judge to recognize you as a peer. What is intensely personal and deeply disturbing for us is just business as usual for judges -- their main goal is to keep repeat customers out of their court. You may have better ideas than the judge about how to do that, like giving your wife a timeline for when she can do xyz (preferably when D3 is old enough to make up her own mind), or adding a line item to the sole custody/decision-making order that can be enforced in one way or another.

Proposed solutions work best when there is a consequence for non-compliance. There aren't that many realistic consequences (given the expense of enforcing these consequences in court), unless you want to wrack up a ton of motions for contempt, which unfortunately are treated like parking tickets. In family law court, one to four contempts might raise an eyebrow or two, but it seems to take a pattern of them to really get their attention, at our expense. 

My ex stonewalled like a champion so every solution I proposed had a deadline and a consequence. If he missed the deadline, then the order would say I was permitted to do x or y or z. My judge lapped that up because it meant keeping the two of us out of court in the likely event my ex didn't comply. For the most part, I didn't focus too much on the behaviors I could not find a solution/consequence for, especially ones that I could enforce. The exception included behaviors that helped me get closer to full custody and/or limited visitation.