She doesn't want me to see therapist

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm trying to understand something and I'm dreading what to say to uBPDw in a couple of hours about an impending schedule change that she already dysregulated about last week.

My work has recently come down on everyone about "normal" hours so for the time being sneaking out to see my T during the day is a no-go.  uBPDw already got mad that I would take time from work to see T instead of playing hooky with her, now seeing her after work during "family" time is really being frowned upon.

My T knows that things havent been good and really changed her schedule around to accommodate me after work today.  Last week when asking uBPDw if she could pick D16 up from the bus stop (5 mins from the house) so I could go all hell broke loose.  How dare I "inconvenience her"  how dare I "sacrifice my limited time with the kids", "sure inconvenience everyone else for your benefit" "See her during a time when it does not affect us"...  I could go on and on about with plenty of F-yous and get the F-s out, if I'm stuck with you living here don't dare do anything at my expense... .lots of blather.

So there really is two issues but they may be related... .First: Its apparent to me she doesn't want me seeing a T as she gets mad when I do it during work hours and its "not allowed" after work hours... .I really have a hard time understand why someone would try to block someone from attending to their mental health.
Second: Looking back I have noticed that any time there is a schedule change or something pops up she just can't handle it.  She is neurotic about being on time (30-60 mins early for an appointment isnt unheard of).  If I put something on the family calendar without discussing with her first (even weeks ahead of time) that I catch hell again.

Is this a control issue?  Is this even a BPD issue?
I have my mother driving 45 mins to town to pick D16 up to drop her off 5 mins away.  I know when I tell uBPDw in a few hours that I've decided to keep my appointment at 6 tonight she is absolutely going to loose her mind.  Any suggestions on how to phrase it?

[ozmatoz]

I'm trying to understand something and I'm dreading what to say to uBPDw in a couple of hours about an impending schedule change that she already dysregulated about last week.

My work has recently come down on everyone about "normal" hours so for the time being sneaking out to see my T during the day is a no-go.  uBPDw already got mad that I would take time from work to see T instead of playing hooky with her, now seeing her after work during "family" time is really being frowned upon.

My T knows that things havent been good and really changed her schedule around to accommodate me after work today.  Last week when asking uBPDw if she could pick D16 up from the bus stop (5 mins from the house) so I could go all hell broke loose.  How dare I "inconvenience her"  how dare I "sacrifice my limited time with the kids", "sure inconvenience everyone else for your benefit" "See her during a time when it does not affect us"...  I could go on and on about with plenty of F-yous and get the F-s out, if I'm stuck with you living here don't dare do anything at my expense... .lots of blather.

So there really is two issues but they may be related... .First: Its apparent to me she doesn't want me seeing a T as she gets mad when I do it during work hours and its "not allowed" after work hours... .I really have a hard time understand why someone would try to block someone from attending to their mental health.
Second: Looking back I have noticed that any time there is a schedule change or something pops up she just can't handle it.  She is neurotic about being on time (30-60 mins early for an appointment isnt unheard of).  If I put something on the family calendar without discussing with her first (even weeks ahead of time) that I catch hell again.

Is this a control issue?  Is this even a BPD issue?
I have my mother driving 45 mins to town to pick D16 up to drop her off 5 mins away.  I know when I tell uBPDw in a few hours that I've decided to keep my appointment at 6 tonight she is absolutely going to loose her mind.  Any suggestions on how to phrase it?

[formflier]

Why does D16 need to be picked up?  Is there a disability or other special need? 

I thought I was somewhat familiar with your story yet don't remember anything D16. 


There is some "stinkin thinkin... ." in your post.

"sneak out" to see P?    If your wife has concerns about scheduling T... .I would discuss that with her... at T.  Or I wouldn't discuss it at all. 

Also... .I get it we want to accommodate work and all that, but if you have a medical need my understanding is work has to "work with you" and not the other way around.  I get it that will call attention to yourself.

Bottom line... .go see T when needed.


Oh... yeah, it's a control, compromise issue that is likely magnified by BPD.

FF

[ozmatoz]

Hey FF, its D11 that has the medical issues.  The problem with the bus stop for D16 is its a drop off point from private school.  Not walkable to the house, especially this time of year.  Someone has to be there to get her.

There is no "we" in the T, its only me.  uBPDw doesnt think she or we need it as I will just "lie" and make myself out to be a victim and that would just be another waste of her time and "inconvenience her".

Issue surrounding work is that for several months I kept "ducking out" to deal with BPD crazy and almost got fired for it.  Yes its "kind of" medical now, but really I don't want to rock the boat right now.  I'm technically an employee at will so they could find any reason to say see you later!

D16 knows that her grandmother is picking her up today and I didnt lie to her about why.  She said to me, why does mom have to be like that?  And oh yeah, would you please schedule me another meeting with my own T... .

Things like this regardless of the "good times" remind me of what I'm dealing with.  I have a mentally unstable person trying to deny me mental health care... .hows that good for anyone?

[formflier]

I realize that she may still try to get you to stop seeing T.  Mine does as well... .every so often.

Just make the same offer... .consistently. 

"I'm willing to include you in an upcoming session with T to understand your concerns.  I won't discuss this further outside of T's office."  and don't... .walk away.

I understand the bus stop issue.  Is there a coffee shop or something d16 can wait at? 

And... .I totally understand the difference in "book answer" at work and the way it really works. 

Hang in there.

FF

[Tattered Heart]

From an employment standpoint, can you use FMLA? When I was going to counseling, I used FMLA so my employer would have to allow me to go to appointments in the middle of the day.

I use SET for these conversations.

Ex:
"I can't wait to see you when I get home this evening. I have a counseling session this evening at 6. Would you like me to grab something for us for dinner so we can just hang out together when I get home and not have to worry about dinner?"

Can you try coming up with something like that?

[ozmatoz]

Well that didn't go well.  I told her I was still going and she called me to rip me apart about how sh-tty I am and that I'm taking care of myself at the expense of my children.
Yes FF there is a coffee shop she can wait in, but it would be for quite a long time (not really fair to D16).

Here's the aftermath... .

I was told point blank if I don't come home on time she is filing for divorce tomorrow.  This is her last straw... .
"Nothing about you changes.  You still don't listen.  You're still inconsiderate and selfish and yes, pathetic"

I told her when I got home I would be open with the kids and thank them for giving dad the time away so he could see a counselor.
"I'll be open to them and tell them about the fact that we are getting divorced"

Followed by "If you are willing to sacrifice time, which you admitted already isnt enough, with your family then I don't want to be with you.  Your continued justifications for your selfish behavior have gotten old.  Tell you mommy you'll need a check (for a lawyer)."

this is horrible.

[formflier]

this is horrible.

Yes it is!

Step back for a second.  Why are you able to tell us all the details about this horrible conversation?  Is there anything YOU could have done to prevent yourself from being exposed to all of those horrible things?

Step even further back... .what is the power struggle about?


FF

[Sunfl0wer]

Slight side track... .
This is not so important but... .

Is this a control issue?  Is this even a BPD issue?

Many of the traits of the different personality disorders overlap.  Many folks who may have BPD, also may have traits of NPD or DPD or such.  It is possible she has OCPD or maybe OCPD traits. (Obsessive compulsive oersonality disorder)

Yet, regardless of the label, the advice and direction you are getting here is still going to apply regardless of what you want to call it.

Ok, side track done.

[ozmatoz]

From an employment standpoint, can you use FMLA? When I was going to counseling, I used FMLA so my employer would have to allow me to go to appointments in the middle of the day.

I use SET for these conversations.

Ex:
"I can't wait to see you when I get home this evening. I have a counseling session this evening at 6. Would you like me to grab something for us for dinner so we can just hang out together when I get home and not have to worry about dinner?"

Can you try coming up with something like that?

They already gave me some time off to get things cleaned up, I really can't ask for much more.

I've been practicing SET for a long time, I really thing my wife is immune to it now.

I did try something exactly like what you suggested.  I said just because I am going to a counseling session tonight doesnt mean that I am not excited to see you when I get home.  I suggested we could watch some tv or possibly read together tonight... .

She told me I make her sick with because EVERYTHING revolves around me and my almighty appointment. I am sick, selfish and inconsiderate.  She then tried to pin me with something about me needing to go to this appointment so bad because I believed I was a danger to myself or to her.  Which of course I had to respond to that no I was not in danger nor was anyone else in my life.  To which she then used against me saying that I didnt need to go and that If I really was committed to the family I would put off seeing my T until I could do it during work hours again.

She keeps telling me that if I go to my appointment I'm not committing to the family and she'll file papers tomorrow.  How exactly is threatening divorce committing to the family?

This women is going to make me insane...

[Lucky Jim]

I was told point blank if I don't come home on time she is filing for divorce tomorrow. 

Hey oz, Those w/BPD use F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt) in order to manipulate us Nons.  In this case, I would say she is using fear (divorce), with a dash of obligation and guilt (your commitment to family, etc.).

My suggestion: don't buy into this arm-twisting.

LJ

[ozmatoz]

Thanks everyone, I’m home now. T was very blunt with me regarding boundaries and not engaging. Went through a few examples and she wants me to be pretty ironclad. Said the amount of texting and abuse via the phone I receive is far beyond anything she’s ever seen before including some of the teen girls she’s involved with... .

T said things seem pretty bleak and she wasn’t surgercoating the level of BPD she believes I’m dealing with. She got to see the 25 or so texts roll in during just the first few minutes of the appointment... .fortunately though she was able to help me see through some of the terrible insults and attacks on my parenting.

FF yes I engaged too much and got caught in the whirlwind.

Sunfl0wer, You have a good point I do strongly believe she has a few other issues beyond BPD.

LJ I’ve been getting better at ignoring the threats, the obligation part I do struggle with still. My T being very blunt tonight said outright that if my wife files for divorce I should probably count my blessings and escape with as much of my hide in tact as I can... .  she has clearly seen a downward turn in my mental health and has ramped up her advocacy to convince me it’s time to get out before I really hit bottom... .  she tried valiantly to help me earlier this year find ways to try and cope and possibly coax uBPDw into some sort of therapy even if it was just couples counseling but now believes I’m way beyond that and staying would be extremely devastating to my health.

I just wish I could get off this ride even for a few minutes.

[ozmatoz]

Well, she is in FULL meltdown mode this morning.  I knew she was pretty wound up last night at bed time and she did not cool off over night.

Doing the best I can to disengage and trying to remember the validation points I received last night during T.  T had to point out all of the things that I am actually doing right because my sense of reality has started slipping.  That was hard to hear.

Now this morning uBPDw is relentlessly texting about how much of a failure I am and that her thoughts and feelings are JUST as important as mine... .  This must be part of the black hole.  There are many times and certainly in the last year since I've learned of BPD that I have gone out of my way to validate.  It really feels like it would take absolute precise perfection to not set her off.  I can't be perfect, no one is.

I owned that there are still things I do that she doesn't like and reminded her that there is still things she does that I don't like.  Its called a relationship, but I should have known better than to try and talk to her normally.  I was succinctly reminded that sometime I have to compromise... and for 17 years I've made her my scapegoat.

She took off her rings, hid her purse and I know she took her cash reserve that she's been holding for a retainer.  She's threatened lawyer again and and has been really angrily "done" with me today.  Will she follow through this time?  I guess we'll see.  I just received a text "what's done is done"...

Wife told me I had the choice to move out and she would file a less aggressive joint petition, or if not she would file a complaint for divorce and have me served.  I said, sure, if thats what you really want to do, file the joint petition and I would calmly and peacefully speak with the kids (again) and start the process.  As of this morning she states since I didnt pack my bags and leave I have made my choice clear to her that she must file a complaint now to force me out of the house... .  like wth?  I'm not moving out without the papers actually being filed.  I'm not falling for that bait again... .More threats and fear... .  You know who's going to lose most?  The kids.  She can't see it, she paints herself white and the kids' savior against a terrible father.

There is just no upside here.  I've seen her when she's been happy.  I've seen her when life was fun... .where did she go?

[formflier]

From the vibe I get... .I would advise less contact with her.  I'm worried that the validation and things you are saying are missing the mark.

She is obviously on a rampage... .and using threats.  You job is to live your life, she will do what she will do.

FF

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Oz, Sorry to hear all the stress and pressure you are under.  I've been there, my friend.  Suggest you take a deep breath, pause and just let the chips fall.  Nothing you do or don't do today is as crucial as your W is making it sound.  She's creating artificial deadlines and using threats to twist your arm, yet so far you seem to be doing a pretty good job of holding your ground and resisting the bullying and baiting by declining to engage.

Your T sounds quite supportive and perceptive.  You are lucky to have her in your corner!

Is it possible for you to take a time-out and stay with a friend or family member?  Or go to a motel if you need to?  I used to keep an overnight bag in my car and you might want to do the same, just in case.

Hang in there and keep us posted,

LJ

[ozmatoz]

FF, yes I am staying best I can to stay out of this fray.  The "What's done is done" text is the last note I received from her.  I did not reply.  I don't intend to contact in any way unless it pertains to the kids and it can't wait until tonight in person.  I do believe that at some point she will try to reengage and I will do what I can to hold my ground.  I am pretty busy at work so hopefully the day goes by quick.  You are probably right that my validation is not hitting the (moving) target.

LJ yeah its tough to stay focused today and I am going to try and find a few quiet minutes to clear my head.  I've been mostly ready for a long time to let the chips fall where they may if she ever followed through.  I guess only time will tell.  Yes I have a very good T, last week when I had to cancel my appointment during the work day she bugged the sh-t out of my until she could pin me down for another appointment because she was worried about me (for good reason).

I have a "go bag" in my trunk with a change of clothes too and fortunately my parents place is only 25 minutes away.  I have clothes there as well.  The only problem I run into is the few times I've used the "escape pod" it actually made things worse.  It may be best to stay hunkered down in the guest room at home.  The dog and cat come sleep with me .  I secretly giggle that I know that drives her nuts too...

[ozmatoz]

As thought she has reached out again to throw another barb.  I do believe If I am reading this correctly it is blame shifting and a bit of nonsense.  Slight backstory, much of the slight of my T appointment last night was that by going it would cause uBPDw and D11 to have to go 5 minutes of the street to pick up D16.  The big rub was "I was not to inconvenience her or the family".  I put in place a mechanism to have my mother come pick up D16 as to "not inconvenience" anyone.  This probably missed the mark as she seems to have also taken it that I would choose my T over the family... .

this is what just rolled in:
"If you ask hey do you mind, and I say yes and you do it anyways all you've done is perpetuate the exact behavior that I've expressed I can't live with.
So I'm not.
I feel empowered to have taken action and ready.  I hope you are as well"

I'm trying to see her point that yes she told me she did not want me to have a T appointment during non work hours and I did it anyways.  At what point though is it ok to stand my ground and say that she was being unreasonable with her request?  In one year I have never once had a single dr appointment take time "after work".  Not one.  I cleaned the house all weekend, I hadn't really left anything for her to do... .  Am I being unreasonable here?

[Cat Familiar]

No, you are absolutely not being unreasonable. You are taking care of yourself.

Even our own therapy is threatening to our BPD partners. They know that they’re barely clinging to a veneer of sanity in the eyes of the world and they’re terrified of exposure.

I’ve tried to get my husband to attend individual therapy and he’s quit several times when I’ve started to notice beneficial changes. His therapists probably were getting too close to his core shame.

[Red5]

At what point though is it ok to stand my ground and say that she was being unreasonable with her request?  In one year I have never once had a single dr appointment take time "after work".  Not one.  I cleaned the house all weekend, I hadn't really left anything for her to do... .  Am I being unreasonable here?

Oz,

Reading down through your posts, and I had a few thoughts, which is a dangerous thing ()... .

*Seems to me that your wife keeps "moving the goal posts" on you, in other words, she makes a "policy statement", ie' lays down the law according to her, and then when you try to comply, get along to get along, then she just changes the rules again, thus leaving you in a catch 22 situation.

*She seems to really like the "extinction burst" thing, ie' lawyers, the ":)" word, and just generally being unapproachable, hard to even communicate with, and constantly dysregulating.

*FF is correct, step back, .take a couple of steps even, and live your own life first, .you are going to have to set some strong boundaries, life / relationship policy's of your own, and stick to them, your wife is going to do "what she is going to do".

*Somewhere you have to find that line, and hold it, .I have read that if the sig other ever try's to control your access to therapy ("T", that this is most unacceptable, it is controlling, and even abusive in nature... .its your gig to improve you, not hers, .but one would hope that at some point, the two of you could go together to improve your r/s, but it does not seem that this scenario is possible right now.

*Seems she has you running up and down, to and fro, back and forth ie' "moving the goal posts" on you, so that you never get a break, and she keeps your compass spinning, this needs to stop.

*Believe me I know how utterly exhausting this can be, and it is a constant drain on your mind, heart and soul. But you have got to take care of you before you can even attempt to get anywhere with your wife, you have to be able to operate from a point of strength, and a solid piece of mind.

*Keep posting, and we will keep reading, and trying to help.

Hang in there Oz,

And no, you are certainly NOT being unreasonable,

Red5

[formflier]

Am I being unreasonable here?

Here is the thing... .compromise doesn't mean she always gets her way.

You tried to coordinate... .your wife declined to participate.  You took care of your child.

End of story.

Well... your wife decided to participate as long as her words "won" or "ruled."

You don't work that way... .life doesn't work that way.

Second thing:  I'm a bit concerned about the "standing your ground" comment and high emotions.

She may "charge" at you to "knock you off" your ground.  Your job is to "imagine being a bullfighter"  Expend just the smallest amount of energy and step to the side.  Looking to exit the area when the opportunity presents.

This is very different than "giving in".

FF

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Oz, Reality check: No, you're not being unreasonable.  You have every right to see your T, at whatever time is convenient for you.  Suggest you keep doing what you need to do to take of yourself, and "damn the torpedoes"!  The rest will sort itself out, regardless of her threats about "taking action."

LJ

[ozmatoz]

Second thing:  I'm a bit concerned about the "standing your ground" comment and high emotions.

She may "charge" at you to "knock you off" your ground.  Your job is to "imagine being a bullfighter"  Expend just the smallest amount of energy and step to the side.  Looking to exit the area when the opportunity presents.

This is very different than "giving in".

FF

Well you may just have a crystal ball.  She just texted me a pic of a day that I asked if I could grab the checkbook out of her purse... .she's standing on the landing looking down and is saying she took this pic and is now accusing me of stealing significant amounts of cash from her out of her purse... .  I didn't want to respond but in the face of a direct accusation of theft I felt I needed to unequivocally let her know that at no point have I ever stolen money from her.  I did what I could to step aside, now shes charging again that I financially controlled her... .doing my best to exit the situation... .  "damn the torpedoes" indeed.

[formflier]

 
Please don't directly respond.

perhaps...

"please refrain from baseless allegations via text... "

or ignore it...

She is trying to "hook" you... and is doing a good job I might add.

FF

[ozmatoz]

She is trying to "hook" you... and is doing a good job I might add.

Yup, indeed she is.  When talking with T last night she could see how as a very logical minded thinker I was having trouble not being able to make sense of her behavior and trying to still deal with her like she is a normal person.

Clearly that doesn't work.  Digging deep today into the reserves to keep the strength up... .

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Oz, You know this already, but don't forget that those w/BPD will turn up the heat and up the ante if they don't get the response/reaction that they seek.  Your task is to remain indifferent to these attempts to increase the pressure on you.  Most of the time, it's just a bluff anyway.  Suggest you continue to decline to engage and, instead, do what you need to do to protect yourself and stay above the fray.  LJ

[formflier]

, but don't forget that those w/BPD will turn up the heat and up the ante if they don't get the response/reaction that they seek.  

EXACTLY... .stay disengaged.


At most... express befuddlement  that should work with your logic... .just express it doesn't make sense.  If she wants to BPDsplain it to you... she will.

FF

[ozmatoz]

I would call my efforts last night mixed... .
I ignored all the crazy texts and insults from the afternoon all through my drive home.  I picked up D16 on time and got home for dinner.  I notice the paperwork for her rings is on the passenger seat of her car.  The last time that happened she had gone to try and sell her rings. 
Walk in the door all seems well D11 was happy a new toy for her b-day just arrived and it was time to sit down for dinner.
Dinner goes well.
After dinner there are some tense moments about D16's activity schedule and uBPDw overnight trip with some girlfriends but that seems to pass.

I spent the rest of the evening helping D16 with something then did some repair work on the house, clearly keeping away and disengaged with my wife.  I'm thinking... .so far so good.  Maybe I can actually get some sleep tonight.

A few times I was in and out of the room she was in and every time she was on her phone, clearly smiling about something only to look up at me, turn grouchy, put the phone down and go back to reading her book.  I mostly ignored this other than saying that she didnt need to put her phone away just because I walked in the room, I wasn't there to interrupt her.  This comment was ignored.

Finally towards bed time is when things and my emotions fell apart.  I was supposed to write an email to D16's school asking to follow up on a previous conference and forgot.  To me it didn't matter if I emailed them at 9 or 11 or frankly if I just waited and called them this morning, the end result would be the same.  Well she asked me if I had written it and I said no I forgot but I'll do it right now thanks for reminding me.  This is when it all started again, the accusations of not being able to take care of my children or be counted on to do anything for the family and she's so tired of picking up my slack... .  I kind of lost it.  I told her it didn't matter when the email was sent, and she just kept going.  Finally I snapped and said to her "listen to you, listen to how you talk, you think your sh-t don't stink, get off your high f-n horse.  You sh-t on me so much, look in a mirror you think you're some great catch?"

Now I'm like... .uh oh here comes the artillery... .but no.  She chuckles a bit and a few minutes later in almost like a young girl/teenage tone of voice calmly says to me "Well, if I'm not a catch for you and you arent a catch for me thats ok, I'm sure were catches for other people.  Its ok, lets move on then... "  I checked out after this and just went to bed without responding.

This morning she comes downstairs and is very chipper and I asked her what she was in such a good mood about and she simply replies nothing really needed for her to be feeling good... .

So here I am again wondering how someone can be so mean, hurtful and obviously also feeling pain flip back to happy.  She sent me another text this morning about its ok to untie a knot no matter how long it took you to tie it... .  this coupled with the lawyer threats have me wondering if she did file and thinks she's about to get one over on me... .I know she'll do what she does but I'm just left realizing how much this women really needs help...

She talks happily about moving on then tries to plan a family road trip during an upcoming school break... .  so confusing.

[Red5]

She chuckles a bit and a few minutes later in almost like a young girl/teenage tone of voice calmly says to me... .

I too have noticed the distinct voice variations in my own u/BPD(w)... .while in the midst of interactions with her,

I have also read a lot on the supposed childhood trauma that may have caused this emergence of BPD behaviors in adulthood,

Continuing, I have also read many post here, and on other sites that equate the pw/BPD as "developmentally arrested/delayed" resultant from supposed/suspected childhood trauma(?)... .and that when the pw/BPD digresses, dysregulates, that you are now interacting with a child (developmentally), or a teenager (?), .is this the explanation for the marked variation in the voices we may hear?

All very interesting,

Hang in there Oz, we are listening, we don't get it just right every time, and we do reach our own limits of tolerance in these very complicated, and as well very stressful situations.

Take care of yourself, your wife is going to do what she is going to do, stay strong.

Red5,

[formflier]

My comments are at most... ."tweaks"  I think you understand about the "discussion" you had with her.  She got what she was after... .


i would stay away from questions about her feeling or suggesting feelings.

Why are you happy?  etc etc... .they are fastballs for dysfunction.

"What's new?" is better... .more open ended... .let her fill in blanks. 

Also... .I can see how a disordered person could think that a comment about "don't have to look up... just because it's me"... .well, I would do some sort of other direct greeting.

"Anything interesting on the internet?  "

"How is your evening going?"

if they ignore you... .don't get drawn in.

Thoughts?

FF

[ozmatoz]

Red, she did have some childhood trauma that I won't get in to, but it was there and its pretty bad.  This isnt the first time she's tried to talk to me like I was her little brother or in some sort of strange "mommy voice".  Every time it happens I'm like whoa... .what was that?

FF, I'll try to "tweak" some things, I have found though lately no matter how I try, if I open my mouth at all she takes even good things to twist around.  Pretty much have stopped talking to her.  I need to get better at asking the question, being ignored and not letting that get me angry.  I can handle prolonged ST, but during these times when she continues to express that we don't connect or communicate I try, but it just goes flat.  When its not ST its nothing but BPD insults... .hard to carry on that conversation.

I've done good today, I haven't engaged or replied to any of the BS texts or memes she's sending me, just BIFF on stuff about the kids.
I can tell by her tone she is getting aggravated that I am not engaging.  What I'm not doing good on today is trying to understand the "hidden message" beneath all of it.  I just can't seem to find a validation target and this is really getting old.  I'm on really thin ice with myself on how much more I can give to bring this to some sort of direction before I just give up.  Tank is getting pretty empty.

Message received today:
"Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it"  *no clue here

"Happy (w/female coworkers) lunch hour" *recurring theme, she still picks at gf from high school that I haven't seen in 20+years

"My words will either attract a strong mind or offend a weak one." *Is this a dig at me? She thinks I feel offended, and I see this as some of her NPD traits

"If someone corrects you, and you feel offended, then you have an ego problem.  Like your lasagna" *again she must think I'm offended?  Maybe a bit, its not like a "normal" correction.  "What is this? this is some wimpy ass lasagna"  I'm pretty sure I took offense to the tone and demeanor after I tried to do something to take a burden off of her.  I didn't put enough layers on.  If she had just pointed that out to me, I probably would have laughed and agreed... .

[formflier]

I think I see a bit of our disconnect.

Please don't evaluate your communications based on the reaction of a disordered person.

My goal for you... Oz... .is that you are thoughtful and reflective about things you can say that are neutral and helpful.

you "Hey... what's new on the internet"  

her "mork and mindy are getting divorced and I let our crazy aunt out of the basement... .oh by the way... I filed for divorce today... "

Yep... .mark that up as a win.

her...  "oh come here... check out this article I'm reading about meat loaf.   I was thinking about making it tomorrow.  Hey... .how about your share your steak with me tonight... ."

Yep... .just as good.  It's a win.

Now... on the first one.  It may be appropriate to express some befuddlement as you disengage.  I would hope you don't need advice on the second.

Do you get how either way you were thoughtful and communicated directly with her... .vice chasing around crazyness... .thinking if I just said the right thing she would be fine?

Thoughts?

FF