BPD ex called me selfish.

[FlSunshineGirl]

My head is spinning after this last confusing ordeal with my ex.

Let me start out by giving a little backstory about the history with my BPDex.

My BPDex's mother passed away a little after Thanksgiving this year. I hadn't spoken to or seen him in almost 3 years since we ended things and went our separate ways.

While we were together I had introduced him to the associate pastor at my church because I thought they would have a lot in common and he didn't really have any good male friends. He hung out with him a few times until we ended things and then he basically stopped having anything to do with the associate pastor. At church I would see my pastor and he would ask me if I had heard anything from my ex, that he tried to reach out to him but my ex would not answer his phone calls or texts.

My ex had attempted to contact me through texts and emails on and off over the last 3 years, but I have remained no contact.

My parents are good friends with my ex's parents and when his mom got really sick and went into the hospital at the beginning of November, I heard that she wasn't going to make it and decided to send an email to my ex and tell him how sorry I was and that I was praying for her.

We emailed back and forth a few times over the next week (about his mother's condition) and she ended up passing away a little after Thanksgiving. I sent him and email and told him I was so sorry.

The day she died, about an hour after she passed away, he asked if I was home because he could really use a hug meet for a which I thought was kind of strange since we hadn't seen each other in 3 years or spoken. At this time I am in a relationship and he is also.
I told him I was not home and couldn't meet him, so he ended up going to my church and meeting with the associate pastor.

A few days later my ex asked if we could meet up for coffee and I wasn't sure if I wanted to or not, but I felt bad about his mom passing away and decided that I was in a good place emotionally and was over him and since we both were in relationships, I would agree to meet.

We met up and had coffee and talked about his mom and caught up where we were in life and for the most part the meeting was uneventful. He told me he missed having me in his life. We continued to email on and off after this and the conversation consisted of talking about how he was dealing with his mom's passing and when the funeral or memorial services would take place.

He emailed me one day and said his dad and him were probably planning to have the memorial service or celebration of life for his mom at my church.

I emailed him back and said I wasn't sure how I felt about that and he asked me to explain my feelings. I explained to him that I was in no way trying to upset him or hurt him, but that them having the memorial at my church would be upsetting to me. That when I went to church it would remind me of her passing and the memories of her service there.

Out of his family and mine, I am the only one who attends church. My ex isn't religious, nor his parents, and his mom and dad had never attended my church or met the associate pastor.

He said my associate pastor had offered to officiate it and hold it at my church.

I wrote him back and said if he is really wanting it to be officiated by my pastor, that I'm sure he would probably go anywhere that the family decided to hold the celebration of life at.

He said he wanted to "process this" and we didn't speak for a few days. I then got an email from him saying they weren't having it at my church.

This all took place at the beginning and middle of December. A few days before Christmas I sent him an email and told him I was thinking of him and his dad and I know the holidays would be very difficult but they were in my thoughts and prayers.

He wrote back and asked what my Christmas plans were said that he hasn't celebrated Christmas or his birthday in the last 3 years and that the holidays had lost its luster for him.

I didn't email him on Christmas or Christmas Eve and he didn't send me an email either.

A few days after Christmas he sent me an email and said they were still trying to figure out the plans for the service and that he thinks it's selfish, but regardless of what he thinks, they still won't be having it at my church.

I wrote him back and asked if he thought I was being selfish and he wrote back and said he wasn't trying to argue or start a fight, but yes he did think I was being selfish.

This really upset me and I wrote him back and said if it was that important to him to have the service at my church, not to let me stop him from doing so.

I didn't hear back from him after this until 3 weeks later.
I got an email a few days ago saying that he didn't want me at her service, that it would be too upsetting for him and his girlfriend on an already difficult day and he preferred I didn't come. He went on to say but if I did come, to make sure I give him and his girlfriend space.
Uh... .what?

This is all so very, very bizarre. I really regret ever breaking no contact and trying to be in his life again. Sometimes I feel like I'll never learn and anytime I try to be kind or try to be a friend to him I just end up getting crapped on.

Was it selfish of me not to want the memorial at my church? Was it weird for him to want to have it at my church?

[Lady Itone]

What exactly is so wrong about being selfish and looking out for your own happiness?

You want to have your own space, your own community, what's wrong with that?

You are under no obligation to be totally selfless.

Besides, you do not even have the power to tell him he "can't" have the church. You can just say you don't like it, and he chooses what to do from there, so don't worry about it. It's not on you.

[FlSunshineGirl]

Thank you Lady Itone for taking the time to read my long post and comment back.

I've just been feeling like maybe I was an insensitive jerk and maybe I shouldn't have said anything and just let him have it there if that's what he wanted.

Him saying he wanted to have it at my church upset me on many levels. Not just the fact that I didn't want to have memories and reminders of his moms passing and the service every time I went to church, but I did feel it was an intrusion of my privacy. I couldn't understand his reasoning for even wanting to have it there.
I also thought why is it so selfish of me to tell him how I feel about it?  You're right, I can't stop them from having it there nor did I ask him specifically NOT to, I just shared my feelings. 
I think it was selfish of him not to ask me how I would feel about them having it there.

But these last few days I've been beating myself up thinking maybe I'm just a jerk for feeling the way I do. :-(

[zeus123]

Hi sunshine. You say that you regret ever breaking no contact and try to be in his life again and that's soo true, no matter how much we learn about BPD we still don't understand how sick/impaired they are!. I like you have maintained NC for more than three years now and never once broke NC no matter how urgent or important her texts messages were. She texted one time to tell me that she lost her mother and she was preparing for the funeral but I haven't responded. because hitting the ball across the net only prolongs your pain and opens archaic wounds that you worked really hard to surmount. When it comes to a BPDex please stay NC for eternity.  Wish you luck!.

[FlSunshineGirl]

Hi Zeus,
Wow, that's awesome that you have been able to maintain your boundaries for so long and take care of yourself despite attempts to re-engage you!
Was it hard for you to remain NC?
Awful thing is, he also lost his brother to a drug OD in August, then his mom in November. My heart hurt for him and his dad and I just felt that it would be really awful to not give my condolences and acknowledge his losses.

But so true how we just don't know how badly BPD affects them and how they respond and relate to others. It's just not normal and nothing we can say or do will change this, we just have to protect ourselves. 

Thank you for your comments and best of luck to you too! I've already decided to be back to NC no matter what.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey FlSunshine, No, you're neither an insensitive jerk nor are you selfish, which you have proven by how much thought you have given the situation.  To be honest, in my view it's often a Lose/Lose proposition with a pwBPD.  For example, if I made efforts to see our kids, my BPDxW claimed that I was harassing them.  If I let the kids have their space, she claimed that I was abandoning them.  I was living out one of those circular arguments that those w/BPD are known for.  In similar fashion, I doubt that there was a "right way" to handle your interactions with your BPDx and perhaps the best plan is to decline to engage and keep communications at a bare minimum, limited to practical considerations, if any.

LuckyJim

[once removed]

my two cents:

you introduced him to the associate pastor. they had a relationship of some form, met up, came to an arrangement.

the input you gave (it would upset you if he had the service at your church) was not solicited. if that input had been given to me, by anyone, i would have been pretty put off.

in other words, i think it was not your place to voice your objections. if he was talking about having the service at say, your house, it would very much have been your place.

okay. its a done deal. youre both feeling pretty stung and hes requested you not attend the service.

do you want to try to bridge/repair this situation, or are you content to let things lie where they are?

[FlSunshineGirl]

Luck Jim,
It really is a Lose-Lose with someone with BPD. I'm sorry for what you have gone through with your Ex about your kids. :-(
I didn't respond to his last email and I will be going back to NC.

[FlSunshineGirl]

Once removed, actually he did ask my feelings about it.
He told me they were considering having the service at my church and I replied back that I was surprised. He asked why and I said I wasn't sure how I felt about that. Then he asked me to explain my feelings and that's when I shared how I felt.