Tired and confused

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have made a mistake and read his emails.  Promising up and down that he will change, I am the only one for him, he will spend the rest of his life making it up to me, showing me he loves me, asking for a chance.  I don't feel upset about that, but I am doubting if I made the right choice by taking the kids.  I know I did, but it hurts because I know the kids love him. I didn't want it to come to this and I didn't want the youngest child to grow up not knowing his dad.

I fled the state to a much farther place away to get distance.  I knew if I was close,  I would buy back into his promises about changing and being better, as well as scared he would harm me if I was close enough for him to find me.  It hurts because I want to believe what he says.  I want to believe there is a chance to make it better, but I can't.  Been playing over and over in my head all of the horrible and cruel things he had said to me. 

He says that me leaving opened his eyes.  So to me, that means if I had stayed, he would of never made an effort to change.  He would of expected me to continue allowing myself to be treated so poorly.  He expected me to keep going back and accepting his behavior.  What he didn't know is once I'm done and I leave, there has never been going back.  When I get away from a toxic situation,  I'm not going back to the poison.   Same with my ex that treated me like garbage.  Only difference is that I didn't love me ex before him, but I still love him.

[Frankee]

I have made a mistake and read his emails.  Promising up and down that he will change, I am the only one for him, he will spend the rest of his life making it up to me, showing me he loves me, asking for a chance.  I don't feel upset about that, but I am doubting if I made the right choice by taking the kids.  I know I did, but it hurts because I know the kids love him. I didn't want it to come to this and I didn't want the youngest child to grow up not knowing his dad.

I fled the state to a much farther place away to get distance.  I knew if I was close,  I would buy back into his promises about changing and being better, as well as scared he would harm me if I was close enough for him to find me.  It hurts because I want to believe what he says.  I want to believe there is a chance to make it better, but I can't.  Been playing over and over in my head all of the horrible and cruel things he had said to me. 

He says that me leaving opened his eyes.  So to me, that means if I had stayed, he would of never made an effort to change.  He would of expected me to continue allowing myself to be treated so poorly.  He expected me to keep going back and accepting his behavior.  What he didn't know is once I'm done and I leave, there has never been going back.  When I get away from a toxic situation,  I'm not going back to the poison.   Same with my ex that treated me like garbage.  Only difference is that I didn't love me ex before him, but I still love him.

[ArleighBurke]

You made the choice you needed to. Often you are limited to only crappy choices. But I'm sure you did the right thing.

But your situation is just now - not forever. Right now you need distance. Right now you need no contact. But this is not necessarily how life will be forever. Perhaps in a few months you will be able to reach out again, and you will be able to be in a position to see allow your children to see him, without having him back with you.

Take this time for you. Heal. Strengthen.

[Frankee]

I really did have a choice between crappy options.  He had me so convinced that my life was in danger that I left everything behind and now living on the opposite side of the country in a dv shelter.   The shelters aren't as bad as I had imagined.  More like a college dorm setting.  It hurts so much that I know I have to do this.  I have to reread old posts I made to remind myself of the hurt and abuse.  I know you're supposed to let go and move on, but when I lose sight of why I'm doing this, I need to be reminded.

Especially when my oldest child understands what is going on and I'm struggling to figure out what to say to him.  The youngest one may or may not remember him.  I think once I get the oldest one enrolled in school and daycare for the youngest,  I'all be able to start job hunting.  A lot of paperwork to be done, but need to do it.

[Radcliff]

I am glad you are safe.  Many big changes.  You have lost so much, but that feeling of freedom you have, that is glorious, and I am glad for you.  I am so glad you are feeling the outpouring of support from strangers on the trip, and from DV volunteers and professionals.  Wow.  You have been through so much in not even two weeks.

Keep us posted on how you are feeling.  It is not uncommon to actually feel worse for a while after reaching safety.  Go easy on yourself.  Don't expect to get back up to being able to handle a workload like you were carrying before you left for a while.  Have your DV folks talked to you about the emotions and symptoms you might feel in the aftermath of all that's happened?

You mentioned therapy for your son.  Have the DV folks worked to help set up therapy for you as well?

WW

[formflier]

I'm trusting that you are being as open with your DV advocates as you are with us. 

Let them know your feelings, fears, regrets.  They can guide you towards the next step.

You've taken the space you need for you, your children and your husband.  Take this one step at a time.

   

FF

[Cat Familiar]

You have a lot to grieve over. But you are seeing things clearly and realize that had you stayed, it would have been more of the same. It's very painful now, but it gets better. I know from personal experience. Just take things a step at a time and be very kind to yourself. You've been through a lot.   

[Frankee]

I communicated a little bit over email with him.  Told him all the things I was to afraid of to tell him in person.  The distance and being out of the situation gave me the courage to say how I really feel. 

He says he understands why I left.  Says he's going to see a counselor. Told me he
knows he can't fix this by begging over email and just saying things. And understands why I  left. He thought he could change everything about himself just because he wanted too. Was so angry he was blind and wishes we could have talked things out, but knows that was his fault too. He scared me so bad I was afraid to talk. And he never really tried, just screamed. Told me the things I said really hit him hard.  That he promises what he says is not empty. He knows I have no reason to trust him. But will never hurt me again. And will never hurt the boys.

What I'm doing isn't going to change.  I already told him words mean nothing without action.  That I don't believe him or trust him.  He has used words to crush my spirit and try to keep me down.  So I will take this time to get my new life on track and begin healing myself and what I have left of my family.  Going to try not to stress about the future.

[babyducks]

Hi Frankee,

I communicated a little bit over email with him. 

You were careful not to reveal you location to him right?

He says he understands why I left.  Says he's going to see a counselor. Told me he
knows he can't fix this by begging over email and just saying things. And understands why I  left. He thought he could change everything about himself just because he wanted too. Was so angry he was blind and wishes we could have talked things out, but knows that was his fault too. He scared me so bad I was afraid to talk. And he never really tried, just screamed. Told me the things I said really hit him hard.  That he promises what he says is not empty. He knows I have no reason to trust him. But will never hurt me again. And will never hurt the boys.

I am sure that was difficult to hear on several levels.     on one hand its what you've wanted to hear for a while.   but on the other hand how likely is it?     

Let's say he went to a counselor... .started tomorrow... .how much work do you think he would have to put in to generate meaningful change?    That's not a rhetorical question.    3 sesssions?     5 sessions?   25 sessions?

Have your DV folks talked to you about the emotions and symptoms you might feel in the aftermath of all that's happened?

I'm wondering the same thing Wentworth is... .what advice are you getting from the DV experts right now?

'ducks

[Frankee]

Still waiting on talking to a counselor.  The ladies here are great at helping out with paperwork and getting everything done.  I just don't know how I feel about how well they can really help me with my emotions.  It seems they can help me get into counseling.  They have been great with getting me settled in.  He doesn't know where I'm at.  He found out today I withdrew the oldest from his old school.  Think he finally realized I'm not there anymore. 

He's saying what I've been wanting him to say.  I have to keep telling myself that even he said me leaving opened his eyes, so obviously me staying wouldn't have changed anything and would had just allowed his behavior to continue.   I really want to talk to a trained counselor.  Leaving me to my own thoughts isn't helping me much today.  I know he needs help.  He needs serious therapy.  As much as the part of me that wants to go back to support him and let him see the boys,  I know I would be going back to the same thing and a possibly worse situation. 

If he didn't really try to get help, I went back, and what happens if he "relapses" and decides to make me pay for leaving and taking the boys.  I know if he really wants to get better and see them in the future, he will make an effort.  I just can't keep allowing myself to be in a situation that is volatile.

[Frankee]

Think the crash and gravity has started to sink in.  More pleading over emails.  I need to stop reading them.  My will and clarity of why I left are becoming clouded again.  When I left in the first place, I already had a weighted feeling of guilt taking the kids away.  I knew it was going to be hard and it's starting to sink in.  Pleading for me not to take the boys.  The all of a sudden clarity of his actions.  It's not fair that everything he could of said and had time to say when I was there, he only says after I'm gone.  Saying he knows he lost me, but begging not to take the boys.  How much pain he is in and knows it's fitting with how much pain he caused me.

I know this is a very emotional time and I feel my heart breaking.  The distance I put between us is helping me stand strong to not go back,  but also is causing me pain because I don't even have an option to go back. 

I feel like I'm being pressured to make a decision on what to do about the boys, get everything set up where I'm at, like time is ticking on what the rest of my life is going to be and I'm cracking under the pressure.  No family or friends here.  In a town I know nothing about, no job, no car, everything left behind in a state I didn't really want to be in... All of these sudden changes are hitting me like a train.

[Radcliff]

Frankee,

I have to say how very impressed I am with how you are handling this.  You have taken bold action, and you're sticking to it.  You're feeling the emotional tugs and pain anyone in your situation would feel, but you're holding strong to your plan.  And, importantly, you are really doing a great job of identifying and expressing your emotions.  I believe this self awareness talent that you're showing under pressure is a big component of why you're handling this with such grace.  But that does not mean that it's not gut wrenching, and dizzying.  The emotions may come over you in waves when you least expect it.  You might burst into tears at random times, with no provocation.  All of this is normal.

It's great that you are going to be speaking to a counselor.  Hopefully they will help you learn about all the psychological aspects of this, about terms like "toxic hope," and "traumatic bonding," which can help you understand why the desire to go back is so hard to resist, why it was so easy to be stuck, etc.  Sadly, many others have gone before you, but thankfully, in the last couple of decades domestic violence has been heavily studied and this knowledge is helping survivors today.

What pressure do you feel to make a decision about the boys?  Try to take this in bite-sized chunks.  It's natural for any parent to want a total plan for their child.  But you don't need to commit to this particular town forever, just until you get on your feet, after which you could pick another safe place if that is what you decide.  How would it feel if you committed to just getting things figured out until the end of the school year?  Guarantee yourself four or five months of stability and don't burden yourself with figuring out anything longer term than that for now.  Your perspective will continue to change as you benefit from the peace that you have to think your own thoughts and live in safety and freedom.

Did you say you've set up a new e-mail address?  Can you totally ignore the account that your husband is e-mailing to?  Right now, reading anything he writes is going to be a huge stress to you.  You will likely find that trauma/stress symptoms you feel get better when you stay away from that e-mail and worse when you read it.  Can you completely ignore it until you talk to the counselor and then make a plan with them about how to handle it?

 

WW

[Skip]

Just a technical question... .how does he know your email address?  Are you using an address that is untraceable?

You talk about what he is saying to you... .what are you telling him?

[Frankee]

I have a new email that I use for everything now that he doesn't know about.  The email address he has been messaging is my old one.  I changed the password and security.   

Told him he had so many chances when I was there, that the way he treated me, hurt me, talked to me, the horrible things he said were not okay, I didn't deserve any of it, he needs to get help, that I don't trust him, I don't believe him or anything he says, that he can promise everything but it means nothing without action, that he used words to tear me apart, terrify me, make me so scared that I ran, so why would I believe anything he has to say now about changing,  that he can't say a few pretty words and have an epiphany over email and expect everything to be fine, how us staying in that situation was only getting worse and our relationship wasn't healthy.

I think I'm going to do what wentworth suggested and not look at the messages until I talk to a counselor.  I'm such an emotional wreck.  I'm trying to stay up beat today.  Telling myself I have been through a lot and not to get stressed about getting everything done at once.  My oldest has had a tough time.  I want them to be happy and I keep doubting if I did the right thing.

[Skip]

Told him he had so many chances when I was there, that the way he treated me, hurt me, talked to me, the horrible things he said were not okay, I didn't deserve any of it, he needs to get help, that I don't trust him, I don't believe him or anything he says, that he can promise everything but it means nothing without action, that he used words to tear me apart, terrify me, make me so scared that I ran, so why would I believe anything he has to say now about changing,  that he can't say a few pretty words and have an epiphany over email and expect everything to be fine, how us staying in that situation was only getting worse and our relationship wasn't healthy.

In other words, "you suck as a human being".  

Frankee,

1. If you believe that this is a volatile man, do not do this. You're just revving up his already hard to manage emotions. Moving cross country with his (and your) children and putting him down on email is dangerous. Now is not the time to see how high he will jump to get you back.

2. Suddenly cutting the line of communication off, after this, will inflame matters more.

3. I almost certain that the style of your old email carries information in the extended header that can be used to identify your state/town location.

My suggestion is to stop rejecting him. You have complained about the same stuff for a long time, he has heard it all. It is better to validate small things that he says (but stay neutral), tell him you are very tired even sick and need rest (so that you aren't expected to respond instantly). Take you time in responding... .double the time between responses each time until it is mostly (within 24 hours)... .cool down the tempo. Talk more about kids than yourself. Don't text, ever.

Get an email account on an anonymous server. The DV people will help with that. Then tell him because you think the travel office will close your account. Call the travel office and have them close it.

I think the DV people were clear that this is the time when homicides occur - right when yo leave, the immediate period after, and when trying to return.

I don't mean to scare you. I'm certainly nit judging him, as you said, he hasn't been physical with you in years.  My statements are all general.

You both need space to cool off and think things through. You didn't go thousands of miles away as an impulsive threat because you were up set twp weeks ago, right? 

I know this is hard.

[Frankee]

That's a good point.  I guess I was so wrapped up in getting my point across how much he hurt me, I didn't think about inflaming the situation.  I was scared about the homicide thing and I had told them.

It just frustrates me because everything he has said is basically him telling me all the threats were just him talking out his butt and he just didn't know how to be what he thought I wanted or some nonsense like that.  I'm just going to take a breath. 

I think cooling off and taking the time between responses will help.

[Skip]

Please follow-up on the email. You are easy to locate from your current email server.

I hope you didn't leave so that you could be heard.

I hope you didn't leave because you were angry in the moment.

Why? When you left, everything changed in a major way. There no "just going back".

Just like infidelity, there will always be trust issues because you took the children out of state and he will do things to make it hard for you to ever do this again. Just like when infinity hits a marriage, the other partner will always have protections in place and be on guard.

And, like in fidelity, after the partners get back together, and the dust settles, there are years of conflict that traces back to the event. It takes an extraordinary amount of work for couples to recover from the betrayal - harder in this type of cases because the betrayal goes both ways.

Everything has changed in a major way.

So, yes, do everything you can do to slow down the anxiety, exit this months long fight that you have been having, and encourage him that it would be good to just cool everything, stay in light contact, focus on kids, agree to not talk about the relationship for 20 days or some hard cool down period.

[ArleighBurke]

Please also be clear in what YOU want.

I think (and I may be wrong) that you do not want to go back. Have you actually made this decision?

If so, then be VERY clear to him in your communications. As Skip said, don't deliberatly rev him up, but at the same time, telling him about everything he did wrong, telling him about how you feel, is only giving him ammunition. If he believes that you'll come back if he just changes "those things", then it will be a problem.

I know you are hurting, and I know you want him to understand why you left, I know you want to "clear your conscience" and it would be great if he could "approve you leaving",  but I'm not sure he'll actually ever be able understand.

Start using clear phrases. "I cannot be with you anymore.". "I need to move on". Say them to him, quietly at first, but then keep repeating them every conversation. Stop giving him reasons and excuses that he can argue with. Stop giving him hope.

When I left my BPD wife, I told her "Our marriage is over. I cannot live with you anymore". I thought that was pretty clear, but after I left she started doing all the things I always asked her to do. And I found out through friends 6 months later that she was still under the impression I'd come back!

Stay strong - you are doing the right thing. One day, one step at a time.

[formflier]

How soon can you meet with a T out there?  If I remember right your DV people were working on it.

Perhaps best to talk to your T first.  Even better if (confidentially) your T (wherever you end up) was able to talk to his T (perhaps assuming a lot that he would actually start working on himself).

That way any information you get about him and what he is or isn't doing is "properly filtered".

Even then, give it a long time.  Since there are children involved, there is potential for contact, later in life.  You want to have the best information you can about him.  That information is unlikely to come directly from him.

FF

[babyducks]

Hi Frankee,

it's true the light is often darkest before the dawn.   this really is your chance,  your opportunity to move forward.  to get un-stuck.    to break out.

Skip is right of course.    there is no 'just going back'.   there are some things that relationships do not recover from.

it may feel uncomfortable at first.   it might be hard to stand up and take responsibility for our own happiness,  our own decisions.     it was a different concept for me,... the idea that only I can make myself happy.   nobody else.

Stop giving him reasons and excuses that he can argue with. Stop giving him hope.

I like what Arleigh said.    :)on't JADE.   Don't Justify,  Argue, Defend or Explain.   Even by email. You've said your piece.     He's heard it.     Let go of having the same conversation over and over.  It's not good for either one of you.

you've been through a lot.   focus on yourself and the simple things.   eating well,... .sleeping... .trying to relax.    are you eating and sleeping?  

'ducks  

[Cat Familiar]

I so desperately wanted my ex-husband to understand how his behavior affected me. He refused to listen to my complaints when we were still together and turned the conversation into a discussion of my faults.

After I left him and during divorce proceedings he lied repeatedly and at one point told me that he was trying to "get everything he could from me."

A year or two later when I ran into him in town, he told me, "I'm not really a bad guy." This is the man who felt it was OK to verbally abuse me nearly every day of our marriage, who physically attacked me multiple times, who had dozens of one night stands with women.

Yeah, he certainly seemed incapable of seeing himself accurately.

[Skip]

I so desperately wanted my ex-husband to understand how his behavior affected me. He refused to listen to my complaints

What are you suggesting Frankee do?

[Radcliff]

Frankee,

How are you feeling today?

3. I am almost certain that the style of your old email carries information in the extended header that can be used to identify your state/town location.

Get an email account on an anonymous server. The DV people will help with that. Then tell him because you think the travel office will close your account. Call the travel office and have them close it.

Have you been able to set up a secure e-mail that doesn't give away your location in the hidden header info?

1. If you believe that this is a volatile man, do not do this. You're just revving up his already hard to manage emotions. Moving cross country with his (and your) children and putting him down on email is dangerous. Now is not the time to see how high he will jump to get you back.

2. Suddenly cutting the line of communication off, after this, will inflame matters more.

My suggestion is to stop rejecting him. You have complained about the same stuff for a long time, he has heard it all. It is better to validate small things that he says (but stay neutral), tell him you are very tired even sick and need rest (so that you aren't expected to respond instantly). Take you time in responding... .double the time between responses each time until it is mostly (within 24 hours)... .cool down the tempo. Talk more about kids than yourself. Don't text, ever.

It's worth re-reading the advice above.  When I received advice like this in the middle of a storm, I had to keep going back and re-reading it to make sure it sunk in.  I would advise against any communications that try to get him to understand any points or get him to "see" anything.

As Skip said, don't deliberatly rev him up, but at the same time, telling him about everything he did wrong, telling him about how you feel, is only giving him ammunition. If he believes that you'll come back if he just changes "those things", then it will be a problem.

I know you are hurting, and I know you want him to understand why you left, I know you want to "clear your conscience" and it would be great if he could "approve you leaving",  but I'm not sure he'll actually ever be able understand.

I like what ArleighBurke said about not giving him a list of things that he should change, and not stirring up hope in him.  You want to avoid having him feel like he's being jerked around -- in order to treat him with respect and out of concern for safety.

The one place where my advice would go in a different direction is on crushing his hope right now.  Again, out of respect for his feelings and a concern for safety, I would avoid saying "It's over forever," "I can't be with you anymore," etc.  That might be the right thing to say someday, but not today. This is like a car wreck where the cars are still rolling around and one of them might be teetering on the cliff.  Everyone sit still.  No sudden moves. 

It is better to validate small things that he says (but stay neutral), tell him you are very tired even sick and need rest (so that you aren't expected to respond instantly). Take you time in responding... .double the time between responses each time until it is mostly (within 24 hours)... .cool down the tempo. Talk more about kids than yourself.

Check out what Skip is advising.  Totally vanilla.  You are not increasing or decreasing his hope.  You are not strengthening or breaking the connection.  This is important for safety, as well as because you need support from a therapist before engaging in any substantive communication with your husband.

Can you tell us a little about your support network there?  Have you been able to meet with a therapist?  What are the DV resources like?  Is there someone there with a deep amount of experience (and maybe a few gray hairs  ) who can advise you on the complicated stuff like communicating with your husband?  Or are they more limited to meeting your basic needs?  In your journey from the folks helping you in your home state, any help you got along the way, to where you are now, who impressed you most with their depth of knowledge and wisdom about DV issues?

I know this is hard.  Take it one day at a time 

WW

[Cat Familiar]

What are you suggesting Frankee do?

I can see my message wasn't at all clear. I hoped to validate how much of a desire there can be to be understood. However, some people seem incapable of self-reflection.

My ex, like Frankee's, promised me he would change and stop doing all those damaging behaviors--after I left him, but of course, I didn't believe him because he never changed anything when we were married.

A couple of years later he was arrested for spousal abuse of his next wife.

Like others have mentioned, Frankee has said her piece. What he does with it, if he does anything at all with that information is totally up to him.

Anyone who issues death threats is by definition a dangerous person. If I were her, I would have no further communication with him and keep my location top secret. If possible, as she has mentioned in previous posts, I would change my name.

It's hard to completely sever a relationship, but she knows who he is and what she would have expected to endure had she stayed with him. She made a very brave choice for both herself and her children. But it will be difficult, but it will get easier with time.

For me, I've never had a moment of regret that I left my abuser, only regret that I didn't do it much sooner.

Frankee, the best thing I ever did for myself was counseling after I left my marriage. It was very healing and it helped me see how truly powerful I was to leave such an intolerable situation.

I hope you get to see a counselor soon.    

Cat

[Frankee]

Baby steps... .My current motto.  I made it clear to the dv advocates that I have to go to orientation tomorrow for state benefits.  Once I get medical, I will be able to get setup with a counselor.   I told them that it is important to me as well as my oldest child.

I kept busy today.  Filled out some housing applications, revised my resume, working on getting my oldest excited about school (he's been a handful with some behavior issues), and trying to get the youngest child feeling better.  I didn't look at any emails, I did get a secure one set up.

In regards to his messages.  Taking it in stride.  Not giving false hope.  Like the comment of a car crash.   Very fitting of the current feelings.  No sudden movements.  Keeping it neutral, letting him know the boys are okay so he doesn't freak out.  Also telling him I have a lot I have to take care of and my days stay busy.

I haven't talked to family or friends since I left.  I shut it all down.  I need to focus on what I need to do for the boys and myself.  Nobody knows how to get a hold of me, not even my parents.

Overall, I had a pretty good day.  If I'm able to keep preoccupied,  it doesn't make it so hard.  I do know that I still need to address everything that has happened.  In the blink of an eye, my entire life changed and I know there are still many more tough days to come.

[Radcliff]

Thanks for the update, Frankee.  Keep us posted.

WW

[I Am Redeemed]

Frankee,
My heart goes out to you in your situation. I just wanted to say that you are not alone. I am going through almost the same thing myself. Two months ago I fled with my youngest son from my abusive and drug addicted BPDh. He is currently in jail facing felony charges for assaulting me. I also feel the guilt of separating him from our son, though I know( with my head) that it was the only healthy choice. It doesn't make it any easier, nor any less tragic.
I second guess myself on how I went about all this. Did I really have to tell the police all the horrible crazy things he did? I only wanted someone to see how badly he needs mental health services. He wouldn't get help on his own. Always minimizing the severity of his issues, or blaming me for not being the wife he wants. That means being at his beck and call 24/7, to meet every physical, mental and emotional need as he deems it necessary. Some of your posts mirror almost exactly situations that I experienced with my uBPDh. The dirty cereal bowl, the back rubbing... .I can't tell you how many times I was raged at and called a b****, wh***, c***, because I should have been giving back rubs, apparently. I lost so much sleep because I was expected to tend to whatever"need'' he came up with that was my responsibility to attend to, all while caring for my two year old son as well.
Whenever I start wavering on my decision and freaking out about the unknown and grieving the family life I thought we could have, I remember the abusive words and actions and how I spent many nights and days thinking that there has to be a better life for me than this. No one deserves this abuse.
Sometimes the right choice hurts a lot. Knowing that you are protecting your kids and yourself doesn't take away the pain. It's a terribly hard thing to have to protect a child from someone they love, and who loves them. You are not alone in that. I hate that my son doesn't have his daddy. He loves him so much. But abuse and drug use is not soma loving parent exposes a child to. It's selfish and impulsive.
I don't know if you are religious or spiritual at all, but I am, and I will pray for you. You have friends here. This site is a real help to me. I also am trying to get into counseling. Child care is mainly holding me back.
Take heart.
I Am Redeemed

[Frankee]

No one deserves this abuse.

Sometimes the right choice hurts a lot. Knowing that you are protecting your kids and yourself doesn't take away the pain. It's a terribly hard thing to have to protect a child from someone they love, and who loves them. You are not alone in that. I hate that my son doesn't have his daddy. He loves him so much. But abuse and drug use is not soma loving parent exposes a child to.

I struggle with this.  Thinking I took away the kids when they do love him, he loves them, and he treated them way better than he treated me.  That's the catch though.  While he was mistreating me, the kids were witnessing it.  Lost count of how many times he scared the youngest child.

I'm waiting on my medical insurance to come through so I can get counseling.  The distance I have put and getting us away from the situation, has helped the healing.  I haven't begun to even start working through any of this because I haven't seen a counselor yet.  I saw a girl on the beach on a 2018 calendar and I felt a pain of homesickness.  Then I started thinking, what the hell am I doing here.  I left the f**in beach, how am I going to get back, why didn't I pick another beach town, why didn't I go the other direction... Just a general freak out moment. 

My oldest child hasn't said he misses his dad.  Some behavioral issues.  I'm trying,to get him set up with a counselor as well.

Two months... I'm at two and a half weeks.  I keep telling myself that I can't expect to undo three years or hurt in such little time.  The didn't even arrest my ex for assault charges.  Only way I got my kids out was to get him arrested for drug charges.

[formflier]

  While he was mistreating me, the kids were witnessing it.  Lost count of how many times he scared the youngest child.
 

My oldest child hasn't said he misses his dad.  Some behavioral issues.  I'm trying,to get him set up with a counselor as well.

  Only way I got my kids out was to get him arrested for drug charges.

Did you get him arrested for drug charges or did he have something to do with that? 

I would be cautious... .very cautious about what issues you "own".  I think time with a counselor will help you sort through that... .over the long term.

FF

[I Am Redeemed]

Did you get him arrested for drug charges or did he have something to do with that? 

I would be cautious... .very cautious about what issues you "own".  I think time with a counselor will help you sort through that... .over the long term.

FF

Oh, that is an eye opener. I did not realize that some of the words I use to describe what happened when I left my abusive relationship reveal my own sense of guilt about the outcome. I have to remember that it was his actions that resulted in his arrest. Even though he is now claiming that I have "gotten around my friends and family" and "don't care what happens to him" and if I am going to "tell lies" on him then he will "tell lies" om me too.
I sense a smear campaign coming on. Probably because his court date is coming up and he is stressed out about it, so naturally he is dysregulated and turning this around on me because he can't handle the reality of accepting how much he screwed up.
Frankee, it does get better. Slowly. Almost imperceptibly. I can't believe two months have passed already. I still struggle every day but it does get a little easier. Sometimes I feel like this is surreal. I have not totally accepted my new reality. But I can't go back. The only way to go now is forward, one tiny, incredibly difficult and frustrating millimeter at a time. But even tiny millimeters are progress.
You can do this. You have already shown incredible strength by choosing to not allow abuse in your life, or your children's lives. Sometimes it feels lonely to be strong. Sometimes it feels unfair to have to be strong. But I try to remember that it was unfair for my son to witness his mother being choked, hit, and pushed to the ground. My son became so confused and insecure. He would cry if my husband got close to me because he didn't know whether or not he was going to hurt me.
I have to keep those kind of memories before me, so I don't get stuck feeling depressed because of his loss. His relationship with his children is his responsibility, and he did not protect it or make it a priority. I am not responsible for his choices. I am only responsible for mine. I am also not responsible for the consequences of his choices. I think I got so used to protecting him from negative consequences for so long that now I feel guilty because I didn't this time... .and the consequences are costly. But how much more costly would have been the consequences for me and my son, had I stayed. Would my son even have me right now? It's scary to even think about that.
Incidentally, this is not the first time I left my abusive situation. The last time, I was in a dv shelter until they dumped me off at the local homeless shelter. Anyway, I remember that on the wall of the shelter hung a quote that said "Where there's life, there's hope".
We got out with our lives. And there is hope for us.
Take care,
Reece

[Radcliff]

Frankee, thanks for keeping us posted.  I agree with formflier that it's impossible to sort out what you own now.  You need some time to get to a more peaceful place and adjust to the big changes.  Time to get used to thinking on your own without the pressures of living under the strain you were under.  And counseling.  Give it time.

WW