Here's a link to my thread on the Conflicted board:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=318439.0

TL:)R - uBPDw left last week after an argument to go stay with a friend.  I've been keeping very minimal contact.

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So early this evening, uBPDw knocked on my door.  I had no idea she was coming.  Her friends had driven her, in her car (flat tire fixed) home.  She'd lost her house key, so I let her in.

She said hi to S5 for a few minutes and then came into the bedroom to talk to me.  She explained that she was home because she was sick, and that she would be staying at most a couple days.

She asked me why I had been so horrible to her by not responding to very many of her texts or picking up the phone.  She started swearing, and I asked her to stop.  She continued swearing, so I left the bedroom and went to the kitchen.

She followed me, continuing to swear, so I went back to the bedroom.  She followed me again and then shut the door behind her, blocking my exit.  She then began pushing me.   I grabbed my phone and began dialing 911, but she wrestled it away from me.

I realized that I had lost my glasses, so I went to the den to grab my spare pair.  She followed me again, and again blocked my exit and continued raging at me.  I repeatedly asked her to stop screaming, to give me back my phone, and to let me out of the room.  She refused.

A couple times, I reached for the window behind me to see if I could push the screen out and jump out.  The screen was stuck.  The second time, as uBPDw was moving to close the glass part of the window, I saw an opening and left the room.

I quickly made it out of the house and to my car.  I drove away -- in the rain with no jacket or shoes.

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uBPDw still had my phone, and I had no idea what to do.  I decided to try and drive to the sheriff's office to file a report.  Problem is -- I had no idea where the sheriff's office was!  Normally I would Google Maps it, but no phone... .

I did know where police station for the nearest town is, so I went there to ask where the sheriff's office is (I live outside city limits).  They just called a deputy over to interview me there in the police station.

It turns out that my 911 call did go through, and the dispatcher heard a lot of the argument.  I overheard the deputy talk to someone about how it sounded like uBPDw was the aggressor.  So a couple deputies had already been at our house.  (I actually had passed one of their cruisers as I was driving out of my neighborhood.)

I gave a written statement and told my story to 3 different deputies.  They found a couple marks on me I honestly don't even remember getting, but they took pictures of them.  Two of the deputies suggested I file for a TPO.  The third one, who was in charge, seemed to be less on my side.  He even suggested that it was possible that I could be arrested, as uBPDw has multiple marks on her arms.  (She gets lesions from her illness, and picks them regularly due to anxiety.)

One of the deputies accompanied me back to my place, where I got my phone back, grabbed some work clothes for tomorrow, and gave S5 a big hug.  I'm spending the night in my office.

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This marriage is over.  Tomorrow, I'm going to pursue that TPO and start interviewing divorce lawyers again.

Prof,
    I too am very sorry that you are going through this.  It's never an easy decision to take steps that are likely to end a relationship.  I am wishing you strength and clarity as you move forward.
BeagleGirl

uBPDw sent me some texts this morning saying that she's not able to take care of S5 by herself.  She also accused me of being "abusive and controlling" for what happened last night... .  (Wow, the projection!)

Part of me is jumping and up and down in excitement at what a screenshot of these texts might do for future custody hearings.  But most of me is wondering how the heck to proceed.  I definitely don't want to be alone with her again.

I responded to her in an email. (I think that's the only way I'm going to communicate from now on, so that I have a record.)  I asked if she'd returned to her friend's place, and suggested that she take S5 to school so that I could pick him up afterward.

I've scheduled consultations with two lawyers for the end of the week and am waiting to hear back from a third.  I'll probably start a thread on the family law board soon.

No word yet from the sheriff about last night.

I would encourage you to reach out directly to the sheriff... .also reach out direct to local DV "shelters" or "help agencies".

Make sure they understand you were dialing 911 and she knew that and she took phone.

In the past I've had sailors do jail time over that.  At least in some states they take that very seriously.

FF

It was also the opportunity for life consequences to happen, yet the pwBPD was "rescued" from those. 

Sort of a separate issue from the future status of the relationship.

FF

Again, just going on instinct here but I’d call the friend who asked you to call. Id want all the info I could get regarding S5.

I'm certainly no expert so take my advice w a grain of salt, just my instincts.  Get all your clothes/belongings, get out stay out don't sleep there, ever, don't use your son as a means to stay there and give her an avenue to continue to abuse you. You've got 911 involved, police, lawyers, I can't imagine any scenario where you being anywhere close to her and her friend (now aka 'witness' to made up behavior) ends well for you. Stay away, deal with the agony, and let the courts figure out your stuff with your son. Short term pain long term gain.
That's what I'd tell you if I was you friend--- dinner? negative.

prof,

I'm sorry for the difficult time you are having.  It sounds like you are doing very good job of putting safety first, while assertively looking out for yourself and your son.  Your actions are de-escalating situations rather than adding fuel to the fire, and you are documenting.  You are doing a great job of adapting to a situation that just started unfolding.

That sounds like good advice.  You should not be separated from your son and your home because of her abuse.  Asserting your rights and responsibilities with respect to your son and your home are important.  It sounds like you made an attempt this evening that didn't work out, no worries, you used the tools you had, kept everyone safe, and avoided any actions that would make you look bad.  Score that as a victory.  Tomorrow's another day.

Nice idea, good documentation.

Nice, cool head!  This is where you could ask the sheriff to give you assistance in getting back into the house if it happens again.  Good that you played it conservatively on the first attempt, especially if you haven't gotten to know the sheriff's deputies and their policies yet.  

Talk to your lawyer and see what the suggested strategy is.  Another thing to ask about is an EPO, and "Emergency Protective Order."  :)epending on rules in your jurisdiction, you might have been able to ask the sheriff to issue one on the spot the night it happened. It depends on the rules and the attitudes of the deputies.  Perhaps an EPO is still possible.  A TPO can take a couple of days.  Your lawyer will know local conditions.

Nice documentation trail again, nice to avoid undocumented and potentially incendiary talk on the phone.

Good call.  Your wife's friend may have been well meaning.  But in a situation like this with a male survivor I look at how the situation would appear if you switch the genders of the participants.  Friend of male abuser prevents female victim from saying goodnight to her son and instead insists that she sit and talk to the spouse who assaulted her less that 24 hours before.  That certainly doesn't seem appropriate, and you realized that it was also not OK for you.  

Sounds like your buddy has a cool head.  It is also excellent that you have someone you can confide in and who can support you.

What did your wife do while you did this?

Two more things to do:  First, drive to the sheriff's office, introduce yourself, and ask for advice.  This will give you another chance to read them, get advice, and be seen as the calm responsible party.  Second, get face-to-face with a local domestic violence advocate.  They can give you in person support and know the local law enforcement, judges, lawyers, etc.  There may be more than one domestic violence support organization locally.  You might want to check out more than one to see who fits you best.

What is the plan for tomorrow (Wednesday)?  :)o you have a set time to talk to your lawyer?  The next 48 hours are critical.  Hopefully you will see him moving swiftly and surely, communicating well with you.  An excellent objective would be to be in your house tomorrow night with your son, and your wife at her friends', assuming that your lawyer thinks this is achievable and wise.

What is the plan on the criminal side?  As formflier said, taking your phone away as you were calling 911 is a very big no-no.  And they have the 911 tapes.  Talk to your lawyer, but based on that alone I would think you might be able to get an Emergency Protection Order (EPO) tomorrow and have her out of the house, plus have a criminal case started.  :)o you have any idea yet if the sheriff's office is willing to pursue it?  If they drag their heels you can also talk to the DA, or ask your lawyer to do it.  When you are telling your story, not only is it compelling that she took the phone from you while you were dialing 911, but also that you felt threatened enough to escape from the home without your shoes.

How is your situation at work?  :)o you have the flexibility to be primary before and after school caregiver for your son for a while?

Let us know how things go tomorrow.  You are doing a great job so far.  Keep things safe, but lean into this with your lawyer's support.

WW

Now for some updates:

Some time after I left for my office last night, uBPDw's friend took S5 back to her place, which is a couple hours away.  The friend has been trying to get me to call her, but I haven't yet.  I'm waiting for advice from my L.

Part of me is horrified that S5 is at the friend's house (the friend is uBPDw's weed dealer).  But there are some other kids there and the friend is pretty good with him.  And it does seem to me that it would be easier for me to get custody of S5 back from the friend than it would be from uBPDw.  So again, waiting for the L to advise on how to proceed.

This morning, I got some suicidal texts from uBPDw.  I called the sheriff and asked them to do a wellness check.  She has continued to text me, which is comforting.  I haven't responded.

Make sure you have recorder app on your phone and it is on whenever you are around the friend or your wife.

Might be a good idea to record you and your son, if he starts talking about mommy and conflict.

I hate to think this way, but her friend is likely disordered as well.  Two witnesses against one doesn't usually come out well for the one, unless there is objective proof.

Be careful and good job disengaging.

FF

 

Just make sure the receptionist/paralegal knows this is an urgent matter.

You may end up in a shelter or hotel for a few days.  Think about changing password on your bank account to protect your money and get flexibility.

FF

Hi, prof. You've got a difficult situation with the question of possession and access to the house and custody of S5.

Here are a few tips I can give you from someone who has been in a situation close to yours.

1. When there is a conflict at the house with your wife - call the police. You and your wife both have the right to access to the house, but they'll try to mediate a situation to de-escalate the conflict, possibly leading to them talking her into leaving the house. Her choosing to stay away until she forced you out, her not taking S5 to school, her handing S5 off to a stranger ... .these are all good pieces of evidence to have on hand for that police call.

2. Your wife has legal standing when it comes to your house and son ... .but her weed dealer does NOT. Call the police. They will remove him from the house. They will take S5 away from him. They will file a report that shows she handed off your son to a drug dealer. Nail this ass and get him out of the picture.

You need official documentation that S5 is with a weed dealer - I'm sure that your L will let you know how best to get that.

I'm impressed by your 'detached contact', too.



Oh, my. I'm glad that you and her dad requested wellness checks for her.

Prof,

Praying for you brother!  You have done well in the storm of this thing.


Priorities seems to be in order. 

Once you get your son in your custody, please circle back around and discuss commitment papers with your wife.

That way professionals can help her chill out for few days and you can take a few days to chill with your son and perhaps consider a more long term plan.

Hang in their brother! 

FF