Need some help working out what’s going on

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey all,
This might be long and rambling, sorry.
So Spouse spent a few hours with us Saturday and most of Sunday with us (me, the kids) at “my” house at the weekend.
It was actually nice, she was affectionate and caring to everyone, including me. The kids spent all day fighting over who got to sit next to her and we’re quite wound up though.
We managed to have a decent conversation about the situation, she still has no idea what she wants, doesn’t want to commit to anything. I understand that, I don’t like it, but it is what it is.
I told her that given she still doesn’t know what she wants, I didn’t think it was fair on the kids or me for her to come over and pretend everything is normal,then leave as we all have to deal with the effects. She agreed it was unfair at the time.
Yesterday she was feeling something else, spent a lot of the day sending me messages about how she missed the kids but not me. I agreed a way for her to have more time with them.
At the end of the day, she asked if she could come and stay Friday night, as the kids and I are going away to see friends this weekend and she misses us.
I feel liked need to say no, that the Friday is just about her needs, not ours.
I want her to come and stay... .she’s talking about getting a takeaway and watching a movie, but I also feel like I (we) are being used as a coping mechanism.
Argh. I was just starting to cope as well.

[LeChuck]

Hey all,
This might be long and rambling, sorry.
So Spouse spent a few hours with us Saturday and most of Sunday with us (me, the kids) at “my” house at the weekend.
It was actually nice, she was affectionate and caring to everyone, including me. The kids spent all day fighting over who got to sit next to her and we’re quite wound up though.
We managed to have a decent conversation about the situation, she still has no idea what she wants, doesn’t want to commit to anything. I understand that, I don’t like it, but it is what it is.
I told her that given she still doesn’t know what she wants, I didn’t think it was fair on the kids or me for her to come over and pretend everything is normal,then leave as we all have to deal with the effects. She agreed it was unfair at the time.
Yesterday she was feeling something else, spent a lot of the day sending me messages about how she missed the kids but not me. I agreed a way for her to have more time with them.
At the end of the day, she asked if she could come and stay Friday night, as the kids and I are going away to see friends this weekend and she misses us.
I feel liked need to say no, that the Friday is just about her needs, not ours.
I want her to come and stay... .she’s talking about getting a takeaway and watching a movie, but I also feel like I (we) are being used as a coping mechanism.
Argh. I was just starting to cope as well.

[formflier]

I'll admit that I'm not familiar with your story.

It strikes me that both of the adults seem very unsure about their feelings and apparently spend a lot of time wondering about the motivations of the other person.

Are either of your guys seeing a T?  Is it an option to use a T for a "therapeutic separation"?  I've done one of those myself a few years ago and it improved my relationship.

In the short run I would think about how much contact YOU think is good over the next month or so.  It's important to think this through ahead of time, so when the pressure is on... .the emotions and doubts don't have so big of an effect.

Hang in there.  Looking forward to learning more about your story.

FF

[Lucky Jim]

Hey LeChuck, In my view, it's more about figuring out what is right for you, rather than reacting to her requests and needs.  I am uncertain what you would like to see happen.  Do you want to attempt a recycle?  If so, plenty of us, including me, have done it.  Are you currently separated?  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim