strategies to stop her texting/messaging me too much

[Depression = 72% of members]

I know she's bored, living in a group home with no job, no school, just NA meetings and therapy. Few friends.

But how do I get her to stop constantly messaging/texting me?

I've told her many times I get stressed out by so many messages, I don't want my attention always on my phone. She knows I don't want to hear from her every day. She can't seem to help herself. I don't always respond in a timely manner, sometimes I don't respond at all if I think I can get away with it. I'm worried I might accidentally be encouraging her with intermittent reinforcement, only responding every few texts, very briefly, or only responding when she says something I feel merits a response.

Last night she had a fit via text because I didn't feel like looking at some pictures she'd drawn over the phone and just ignored her and went to bed. Strategies? I want her to turn her focus away from me and onto her own dang life. 

[Lady Itone]

I know she's bored, living in a group home with no job, no school, just NA meetings and therapy. Few friends.

But how do I get her to stop constantly messaging/texting me?

I've told her many times I get stressed out by so many messages, I don't want my attention always on my phone. She knows I don't want to hear from her every day. She can't seem to help herself. I don't always respond in a timely manner, sometimes I don't respond at all if I think I can get away with it. I'm worried I might accidentally be encouraging her with intermittent reinforcement, only responding every few texts, very briefly, or only responding when she says something I feel merits a response.

Last night she had a fit via text because I didn't feel like looking at some pictures she'd drawn over the phone and just ignored her and went to bed. Strategies? I want her to turn her focus away from me and onto her own dang life. 

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[Tattered Heart]

That's tough. I would feel really smothered. You've talked with her about limits, which she isn't respecting. You may be right that she is getting intermittent reinforcement, which as they say, becomes like a gambling addiction. You just have to pull the lever one more time!

Could you set specific times to respond to her, such as I will contact you in the evenings every 2 days? And then stick to it. It would be hard for me, but it may be the way to give her consistency.

[Lady Itone]

Could you set specific times to respond to her, such as I will contact you in the evenings every 2 days? And then stick to it. It would be hard for me, but it may be the way to give her consistency.

I feel like that would be hard for me, too, and I would hate to hear that from someone I loved. But seriously, if she can't control her impulses, I may need to tell her I'm blocking her for a certain hours? It's way more texting and messaging than I'm interested in doing. Thing is if she would just back off I'd be more happy to hear from her.

[Tattered Heart]

Sometimes we have to say hard things. Would you enjoy your conversations with her more if she were to not contact you as often? If so, that might be a way to address it.

[Lady Itone]

If so, that might be a way to address it.

Maybe "I'm not comfortable with the amount of focus you seem to be putting on me. It makes me want to talk to you less, not more."

Also maybe I can do some tech things like make it so she cant see I've opened a message or block texts during certain hours?

[isilme]

Maybe "I'm not comfortable with the amount of focus you seem to be putting on me. It makes me want to talk to you less, not more."

Also maybe I can do some tech things like make it so she cant see I've opened a message or block texts during certain hours?

I say yes to finding ways to be incognito online - you need to feel free to be online as you want/need without fearing an interaction you need a break from.

As for how to communicate it?  I think the hours of communication, preset, are best and least likely to be seen as a rejection/abandonment?  Like, "I really need to focus on work/school/exercise/getting adequate sleep, so I am making a policy to only respond to messages from 6-8PM.  If I miss them, I can check them the next day."   

This would give you daily input, but let you off the hook for 22 hours a day :D

[SunandMoon]

Hi Lady Itone

Isilme's suggestion is good and the wording isn't too triggering. Perhaps you can also refer back to the conversation you had when you reconciled and the agreements you made.

I hope she wasn't just agreeing to everything so you 'could be together again'... .and is now in the process of sucking you back in and making you the centre of her world again.

If you are on Facebook, you can click the button for "offline" on messenger. On WA, you can "hide your status". Google can help you find ways to be incognito online.

But using the strategy isilme suggested is a good way of setting boundaries. You can check her messages between 6-8 and answer (or not) as you feel inclined. The key is sticking to the boundary until she gets it.

[Lady Itone]

I hope she wasn't just agreeing to everything so you 'could be together again'... .and is now in the process of sucking you back in and making you the centre of her world again.

Yeah, I'm starting to fear this might be the case and I messed up letting her back in my bed. I'm feeling gross and guilty for accepting/initiating sex when I don't really want all the drama and nonsense of taking care of a sick person. I was really hoping this could be a healing thing for us both, but not if it's her constantly fighting to get closer and me pulling away.

Yesterday went badly. She kept blowing up my phone. Then she got really crazy, asking me if she could come try to live with me again, promising to pay half the rent. How? I replied absolutely not. By then, I was mad and reacting. I told her if she couldn't stop messaging me all day, I'd block her phone number and limit facebook time. When she replied nastily, I did block the phone, but picked up when she called on Facetime. I wanted to check on her state. She looked pouty, but not psychotic or in great distress.

"I just needed you for 10 minutes," 

"No, you don't NEED me. You've bothered me all day, and now I don't want to talk. Goodbye."

I hung up on her. At least she left me alone the rest of the night. I'm so frustrated right now I do not want her taking up all my head space anymore. I'm on the fence as to whether I ought to try to explain the situation ONE MORE TIME, i.e. "I love you and care about you, but I will not be in a relationship with someone whose mental illness is not well controlled. If that were to change, it would be years down the road when you've got a proven track record of stability."

Or just let my actions speak since she doesn't hear my words anyway, and continue to try to lessen contact and dependency. Damn, I was really happy for like 2 days thinking this would work.

[isilme]

Consistent actions go a lot farther for communicating with BPD than any words seem to be able to do.

Decide what you want - unrestricted contact, limited contact, or no contact, and be consistent.  I know there are feelings of guilt with any of them, but you need to find a healthy place for you in this, and sometimes that means no contact, no contact for now, or very limited contact. 

The lack of ability to self-soothe can turn us into "binkies" - we are like Linus' blanket on the Charlie Brown cartoons.  They rely on us to provide the emotional control they lack - but we CAN'T control someone else's emotions for them, we can only get sucked down into their rabbit hole if we allow it. 

[Lady Itone]

Consistent actions go a lot farther for communicating with BPD than any words seem to be able to do.

Decide what you want - unrestricted contact, limited contact, or no contact, and be consistent. 

Thank you. That "binkie" metaphor is right on, that's exactly what I am to her. A comfy body.  I want limited contact. I can handle limited contact. 

[crunchtime]

Makes me feel less crazy for feeling smothered by my own girlfriend who texts me dozens of times a day, and feels like it's the apocalypse if I go a single day without seeing her even if I reply to all her text messages. Been like this for over 2 years now and the smothering has made me feel like I'm at wit's end.

What does she do if you ignore her messages? With my girlfriend I find that to be very telling. BPDs seem to go through a checklist of responses aimed at pulling you back in. In my case it's her threatening suicide that seems to get me every time.

Whatever gets you responding to her again... .she will take note of that. I have had some success with completely ignoring her and only responding to messages that are not demanding or insulting or clingy. They can be few and far between.

Scary part is I'm so used to this it just feels normal. Having my phone blow up every day and if I don't promptly respond her messages quickly degrade into threats of self harm, saying she feels worthless, that I'm inhuman, etc.

Everything you said is how I feel too. I would be fine with limited contact. For people like you or me I think this aspect of BPD can be particularly overwhelming.

One thing I keep in mind is that ultimatums come from a place of helplessness. Personally I wouldn't threaten to cut or restrict contact if certain conditions weren't met. I would simply cut or restrict contact with only as much explanation as necessary.

"I'm busy today. Don't have time to talk."

Hardest part for me is watching her squirm and then blame her bad feelings on me. That's what pulls all of us back in.

If you still want to be with her, it might help to give her a surprise visit after a day or two of not responding to any messages or answering any calls. Without directly saying anything, that can subcommunicate that even though you aren't responding to her every day you still know she exists and that you care about her. Hopefully with enough repetition of that she'll get the message.

Personally I've also found it easier to surprise visit my girlfriend when I've ignored her messages. That's because I'm not so drained from handling her messages that I actually have energy to see her.

It's obvious to people without BPD why this is. Of course we'd pull away and feel drained from being bombarded with messages every day.

Don't make the mistake I did of apologizing for being distant. ":)istant" is blame shifting. They're the ones pushing us away. Feeling and acting on our right to our own life and time is not a sin. I feel my relationship would be much better if I hadn't caved in and apologized for "pulling away." Because pulling away was the only way for me to keep my sanity.

You seem comfortable in owning your rights to your time and privacy. That's very good. I feel like threatening reduced contact is not a good idea, but maybe I'm wrong about that. Hopefully someone with direct experience can chime in about that. My personal gut feeling is to just reduce contact, period. I feel that "owing them an explanation" is just playing further into BPD b.s. Maybe I'm too harsh.

[Lady Itone]

Hi Crunchtime wow yours threatens suicide if you don't text back? That must be awful. It's like they want us to have all our energy on them and they don't care if we have no energy left for own lives.

My girl has not done that but she does try tactic after tactic so fast her head must be spinning.If I ignore her when she's trying to fight, she'll try being really nice. If self pity is ignored she'll say something neutral, like tell me something totally not interesting. She just keeps going.

I like the surprise visit idea for good behavior. I can do surprise facetime for now I'm not up for a visit to the group home I don't think.

[crunchtime]

She does. Not every time, but it's happened enough for it to have conditioned me to expect it.

Now I got a more typical text message. Just about how depressed she is and doesn't want to live anymore, has no motivation to be alive, etc. That's not the direct suicide threats I'm talking about, but it's in a similar vein. And I allow it to drag me down too. It's hard for me to just accept that she's depressed and that's on her, and it isn't my responsibility to save her. Because it feels like it is. What response can I have to "I'm depressed and don't want to live anymore. There's nothing left for me in this world."

I've just heard it SO MANY TIMES I feel numb to it. I'm not sure what she's expecting, either, by telling me these things. It's a major drag, too. And it does seem to coincide with me not seeing her. I can almost guarantee if I showed up at her house right now, she might not feel like doing much, but she'd feel better. I feel like she is 100% dependent on me for her emotional well-being. Every. Single. Day. She has a crisis. She can never just feel OK or just bored. It always has to come to thinking about death, having no motivation to live, etc. And I think anyone would burn out after hearing stuff like that DAILY for over two years.

And God forbid I suggest something like exercise, or a hobby, or doing anything that might make her feel better that doesn't involve me directly. Then she just feels like I'm pushing her away and disowning her and trying to get her out of my hair. And I guess in a way I am -- not HER, but her depressing thoughts and words, which she has unfortunately come to intertwine her identity with.

Anyway, my story aside, you're dealing with basically the same thing. It's just a matter of degree. We're both getting bombarded with messages that we don't want to deal with, and are feeling our time and energy are being drained out of us.

I've done the surprise visit thing before. And noticed more issues I have: like I feel OBLIGATED to stay the night with her if I visit, because I know she expects that. Ironically it makes me want to see her less. I'd be perfectly happy to drop by for a couple hours and hang out, but it turns into me not seeing her at all, because I don't want to deal with the backlash of me telling her I can't stay the night, or that I have to get going, etc.

If you can regulate your time with her so you don't feel overwhelmed, the surprise thing does work great. You can feel energized and she'll probably feel better for seeing you, and if you don't stay on call with her longer than you want to, you won't feel drained.

I'm at fault for investing energy into feeling bad about her messages even when she's not messaging me... .because I'm anticipating it, and worrying about it. That's worth taking note of too. I think fear, obligation, and guilt (FOG) come into play here too. In a sense, it isn't even the messages as much as the looming feeling of FOG in regards to responding to them.

BPDs are terrified of being abandoned and I think much of their behavior is just compulsive and unconscious attempts to avoid that perceived abandonment. Ironically those compulsive and unconscious behaviors are what tend to push people away because they're smothering.

I also have another thought: treating them like I treated myself when I was working on my own depression. I did not baby or coddle myself at all. I committed to a plan of eating better, taking a couple select supplements, getting on schedule with sleeping, working out every day, and doing a bunch of other things. Action more than feelings. 

I'm gonna have to think on that one, about how it could apply to a relationship. Treating myself that way was easy. How to treat someone else like that... .not so sure. Maybe along the lines of encouraging them to take more action for themselves and rely on you less. It would have to be pretty subtle though as obviously any overt statement like that could send a BPD into a major abandonment episode and then achieve the opposite of the desired effect.

[Cocoa86]

Reading this and it sound like I'm reading about myself.  Having BPD this is one of my biggest problems.  The texting obsession to my FP which is my husband.  I would love to know how to stop. I been in so many arguments because I get mad if he doesn't text me back with a quick response and he says the same thing u say about wanting me to get my own life and he doesn't want to hold his phone all day.  But when I hear his logical reason I take it as he doesn't want to talk to me and must be talking to someone else.  If he don't text me back in a reasonable time I think the worse.  I spend all day texting him. Having BPD we're afraid of being abandoned and scare to to lose our FP.  When our FP don't stay in contact we feel like we're losing them and think the worst.  The FP can have a reasonable explanation on why their not texting back but we will think "They don't love me" "They're ignoring me" "They met someone else".  I can't count  how many arguments I started from my FP not texting back.  It's like a obsession.  My councelor took my phone to stop me from doing it.

[Lady Itone]

Reading this and it sound like I'm reading about myself.  Having BPD this is one of my biggest problems.

Hi Cocoa thanks for explaining what makes you text constantly. I can't speak for your husband, but personally, I just want to be allowed to have time for my own thoughts and experiences, not having to constantly talk to her, reassure her, or check in on every little thing. I'm an introvert, and if I don't get time alone, I get burned out and stressed, then I find talking to her a nuisance instead of a pleasure.

Yesterday she controlled herself and left me alone, and towards the end of the day I sent her a funny pic and she replied something funny back, and we were done. Perfect. That is the relationship I want, relaxed and uplifting.

Crunchtime: Like you, I feel like my lover depends on me for her happiness. I actually have BPD traits myself, and when I was a younger woman, I know I let myself get obsessed with people and would act destroyed if they didn't give me enough attention. Luckily, this was before cell phones existed, I can only imagine how obnoxious I would have been given that technology. Eventually, I figured out that happiness lies in my own hands, but now I look back on how I acted, how many nice people I drove to exasperation by expecting them to give their whole lives to me. Now I understand how bad it feels on both ends.

[isilme]

I'm an introvert, and if I don't get time alone, I get burned out and stressed, then I find talking to her a nuisance instead of a pleasure.

I have found I need time to be left alone an read a book.  I can't recharge just watching TV- sleep helps, but a leisurely day reading and then dozing off is what I really need to recharge my energy levels.

Sadly, reading and sleeping are both things that make H feel abandoned.  I can be fine sitting in the room with him as he plays a game, but he gets upset at times if I am not actively watching him play the game - I really think he can't process his own emotions well, or even experience good ones, unless it's passed through my reactions somehow. 

[Lady Itone]

Sadly, reading and sleeping are both things that make H feel abandoned.  I can be fine sitting in the room with him as he plays a game, but he gets upset at times if I am not actively watching him play the game - I really think he can't process his own emotions well, or even experience good ones, unless it's passed through my reactions somehow. 

   

That would really bother me watching someone else play a game isn't fun or interesting at all. At least I don't think so.

[Lady Itone]

My pwBPD was pretty funny yesterday. I Facetimed her, and I was teasing her about constantly messaging me and joking about how she's not happy until I'm yelling at her. She was laughing and said "All you need to do is give me what I want when I want it! I will never stop! I just needed to look at your face for like 3 seconds, then I was able to calm down and go to bed."

So there you go, straight from the source.