Is being overly helpful a control strategy?

[Hollyhock]

My partner insists on doing everything, they cook, clean, shop etc although all done in a pretty manic way, as if they are distracting themself, the cleaning routine is almost OCD at a breakneck speed! When I am poorly they step into major nurse role, I am smothered with attention and basically every need is tended to 24/7, I suppose it could sound delightful but it is very suffocating and at times I feel I have no control as I can't complain (they will rage and sulk as they are doing 'everything' to make my life easier)
If I start doing the cleaning/washing, I get rounds of sarcastic comments that lead to me not doing it again as I fear the sarcasm and sulky behaviour. It is hard to explain unless you live with it!
The shopping is often over endulgent and many times is thrown away as it is not eaten as too much is bought, the freezers are heaving with food that is bought and then frozen, I can t complain, as again they are sarcastic and make no end of belittling comments.
I know the relationship is incredibly controlling, I modify my behaviour daily to prevent outbursts, rants or sulks. I am put on a pedestal and undying love is declared and then in the next breath, I have done something wrong and all the blame is put onto me, the cycles are clear. I am 99% sure they have BPD but this need to do everything is something that I have not ever read about with this disorder.
I am a showdown of my former self, my personality and life is far from what it was before we met, I am exhausted, anxious and always living in fear of the next outburst. In 5 years, every argument, every slight, every wrong doing has all been blamed on me, I have never ever brought one thing up or complained about anything that they have done, their behaviour is always the correct behaviour and mine is always wrong. I often question my sanity!
Sorry this is a bit of a essay, I am so confused and on edge ATM, I feel like a rabbit in headlights, just waiting.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Red5]

I know the relationship is incredibly controlling, I modify my behaviour daily to prevent outbursts, rants or sulks. I am put on a pedestal and undying love is declared and then in the next breath, I have done something wrong and all the blame is put onto me, the cycles are clear. I am 99% sure they have BPD but this need to do everything is something that I have not ever read about with this disorder.
 

Wow!... .you are my doppelganger!

I can concur / relate with almost all of your post, I have been in this relationship/marriage (2nd) for ten years now, and it has only been the last year and a few months (ago) since I came upon this BPD explanation for the myriad of behaviors I am experiencing from my u/BPDW.

Mine (W) will sometimes "create" the incident, a manufactured event in order to have something to complain about, to rake me over the preverbal coals over, .was very frustrating until I started to catch on, and then I was (am) able to intercede on my own behalf in order to dilute, and stall these actions / behaviors.

Case in point, dish washer etiquette, .keeping in mind I was a single father for five years after the first marriage ended, and during the current r/s dating period, so I know how to operate, maintain, and control the operation of the dishwasher in our home.

It was "you ran it now there is no hot water and I wanted to take a shower"... .which is very easily put to rest with "shower hours", verses dishwasher starting time... .to no avail, then its "you left your coffee cup in the sink, why did you not put it into the dishwasher"... .so I put it in the dishwasher, after I unloaded it, .then its "you loaded it wrong", and "you put the dishes away in the wrong place"... . !

So since when am I always wrong, why is she the end all of end all of how to conduct dishwasher operations now   !

Seems to me that I handled it just fine and dandy for the five glorious years I was a singe, before I re-married.

This is but one example, there is an entire infinite universe beyond the "dishwasher angst".

One day I asked myself "why"... .why am I always wrong, and why does she always think she is "right"?

Why do we fight non-stop, over seemingly insignificant issues, and also over suspected end of the world, and supposedly earth shaking issues, in the same hour, of the same day?

You are not alone Bexs, and at least you now have an explanation (BPD) as to perhaps why you are experiencing these behaviors / patterns of behaviors from your partner.

[isilme]

Mine (W) will sometimes "create" the incident, a manufactured event in order to have something to complain about, to rake me over the preverbal coals over, ... .was very frustrating until I started to catch on, and then I was (am) able to intercede on my own behalf in order to dilute, and stall these actions / behaviors.

There are many ways this happens - the pwBPD has their emotional turmoil inside and they need a fight to process it.  My H has admitted he can't process bad feelings until he yells at a human being, even if it's no one's fault (it rained on a day he wanted to be outside, for example).

So, he will poke at me - I did this wrong.  I forgot something.  I messed up something, lost something, moved something, or he will attack me for being lazy (in our case I do all the chores.  All.  All shopping, cleaning, pet care, laundry (he offers on this one chore to help), I am stupid, fat, lazy... .he will go until he gets his fight, or until I've been plain vanilla long enough for him to stop, the emotional reset is somehow hit, and we move on.

I've not heard of too many being the main cleaner, but I can see how it would still fit BPD.  In my case, he's avoidant of doing things so he can't be accused of doing them wrong... .but I bet if he was like this, the main cleaner, he'd LOVE telling me how I'm doing it wrong - both are to avoid shame.  Can't be shamed for doing it wrong if you never do it, can't be blamed for doing it wrong if you make yourself the poor wretch who does it all and is the only person who does it right. 

Yes - this is a form of "I'm such a hard-working victim who is the only competent person in the house" control.  So, either take solace in being free from some chores (yay!) and don't let their choice to do it bother you (the less you let bother you, the happier you will be), or make a keep-your-mouth-shut-the-dishes-are-clean chore chart to allot chores and neither of you can complain how the other does them. :P

[Little known]

From your post:
“I am exhausted, anxious and always living in fear of the next outburst.”

“I know the relationship is incredibly controlling, I modify my behaviour daily to prevent outbursts, rants or sulks. I am put on a pedestal and undying love is declared and then in the next breath, I have done something wrong and all the blame is put onto me, the cycles are clear.”

“I suppose it could sound delightful but it is very suffocating and at times I feel I have no control as I can't complain”

I can soo relate, and see similar traits in my DH (very controlling, also believe he has BPD). I’m sorry you’re going through this. When a partner offers you help, but it feels like a burden instead, something is wrong.

I do believe that this “helpful” behavior is another means of control. It also sounds like he is trying to make you feel helpless. If you are helpless and insecure, you are easier to manipulate and also less likely to leave him.

When my DH does this, I’ve observed that he is trying to force me to pay attention to him as well as establish that HE is in control of those decisions, not me. And he does it in a way that would make him look good to outsiders if I complained to anyone about it. In a normally functioning relationship, these things would be helpful. But in the context of all the other emotional head games he has played over the years, I know he has other motives.

I’ve been conditioned over time to understand that favors done by him are not gifts, but come with strings attached to be used against me later. For example, he used to offer to clean my car, but then would criticize me when it became dirty again. His favors are always motivated by how he can use them later to control or criticize. I no longer ask nor accept his offers to do anything. I have told him why, and also told him that if he sees something that needs to be done, he should just do it rather than making a big deal out of it being a favor to me (e.g. if there are dishes in the sink, wash them. Or don’t. Just don’t ask me if I’d like you to wash them so that you can count it as a “favor” you did for me).

The manic-type behavior is also something I observe. He will come home from work, notice a few crumbs on the counter, then grab a washcloth and start frantically wiping down the kitchen before even taking his coat and shoes off. He’ll hover over our son’s shoulder with a washcloth in anticipation of any possible spill, waiting for him to finish eating. He has always demonstrated OCD type behaviors, but it’s more out of a need to control things and people (not the compulsion/ritual of a true OCD).

Not sure if any of that was helpful or not, but at least you know you’re not alone.

[BasementDweller]

I think a lot of people with BPD also feel quite out of control, and as if they are coming apart at the seams inside at almost all times. They will often clean manically and keep a tight reign on how every object is placed or arranged in the house. (The dishwasher is a CLASSIC one.) This gives them some temporary relief from all the chaos in their head, and an organized and tidy result they can see. It helps them feel as if they have control over at least some aspect of their lives. Cleaning is also a physical way of relieving stress. Back when my dBPDbf and I would argue a lot more, he would often jump up in the middle of the bickering, and begin aggressively cleaning the kitchen. Even if it was already clean. This behavior, interestingly enough, is also common in patients with some types of terminal or chronic illnesses.

Another component of their abandonment fears and low feelings of self-worth is to over-compensate in order to feel appreciated. It may not always be about wanting to control the other person and make them feel helpless, but to instead gain their partner's appreciation and recognition for all their hard work. To be seen as irreplaceable, despite their personality, which they know in some fundamental way - works against them. However they may appear sullen and anxious while doing the cleaning and nursing, because they fear it is not enough, will not be appreciated or acknowledged, or they may resent feeling they have to do these things, even though it was never really imposed upon them.

My partner does this sometimes too, and often lectures or corrects me in the way I do my own chores as well. At first it really annoyed me, but eventually I just learned that saying "Oh, that's a nice way of doing it, thanks!" ... .worked wonders.

It might help to not respond too much when she goes on her cleaning frenzies, but when there's a pause, to say "Thank you for cleaning the kitchen. It's appreciated." At first you might get smart ass remarks like "Well somebody has to do it!" Or "I'm the only one in this house that does it properly!"

Just smile, nod once, place a loving hand on her shoulder and say "Thank you." And nothing more. Don't acknowledge the dig. ;-)

Eventually, things do start to reach a more even keel when she gets some reassurance that what she's doing is appreciated, but not demanded. At least that was my experience... .maybe it could work for others.

[Hollyhock]

Thank you all so much for your replies, it is so good to be able to discuss this with people who understand.
I really try not to respond to any sarcastic put downs or digs, she is really quick with them (almost instant) I have learnt to just ignore and carry on/ divert the conversation.
I absolutely feel controlled and understand where her need to control stems, she would completely deny it and say she is doing it to make my life easier.
I often feel like I am playing a game, a game to placate and keep things calm. I can instantly tell when she has been triggered and about to descalate, sometimes I can calm the storm sometimes I have to weather it out. Often I feel like I am hypnotised when I am with her, I will do anything to calm and deflect a storm/argument, anything to make it stop. When it is calm I am waiting for the next outburst, I know it will happen but then when it is calm, I question if it is me as things are calm and it must all be my imagination. It is crazy making stuff!
When I am apart (only when we are at work) I can see the madness and I have spoken with Close and trusted friends and know this can't continue but the minute we are together and things are either descalating or about to explode, then I go into a panic mode and do everything to calm things, usually apologising, taking responsibility for what I am accused of or ending up jading (so aware that this is counterproductive but in my panic I will try anything)
At least I have a clean home!

[Red5]

I often feel like I am playing a game, a game to placate and keep things calm. I can instantly tell when she has been triggered and about to descalate, sometimes I can calm the storm sometimes I have to weather it out. Often I feel like I am hypnotised when I am with her, I will do anything to calm and deflect a storm/argument, anything to make it stop. When it is calm I am waiting for the next outburst, I know it will happen but then when it is calm, I question if it is me as things are calm and it must all be my imagination. It is crazy making stuff!

When I am apart (only when we are at work) I can see the madness and I have spoken with Close and trusted friends and know this can't continue but the minute we are together and things are either descalating or about to explode, then I go into a panic mode and do everything to calm things, usually apologising, taking responsibility for what I am accused of or ending up jading (so aware that this is counterproductive but in my panic I will try anything)

Wow, you have described me to the “T”, pardon the pun there,

I can absolutely, and completely relate to every word in your post above, and it is still resonating in my head,

* I am playing a game to placate and keep things calm, yes!, constantly.

* I can instantly tell when she has been triggered and about to deescalate (dysregulate), yes!, and it drives me crazy, a good description may be when you have static electricity in your clothes or hair… it feels like I am “electrified” when I am around my pw/BPD, electrified which does rhyme with “terrified”… sometimes I think I have some kind of form of ptsd from the daily life (years) I am living with my pw/BPD (yuck).

* I will do anything to calm and deflect a storm/argument, anything to make it stop, yes, so do I, I will take ALL the blame, offer my best plastic apathetic apology, just to make it STOP (yuck again).

* When it is calm I am waiting for the next outburst, this one is so very perplexing to me, and it’s NO way to live, it’s like living with someone you know is going to hurt you again, and again, and you know it’s coming, and you (I) feel trapped in it, when things are “calm”, it feels absolutely fake to me now, and it is effecting my ability to have any feeling of affection, not to mention intimacy with my pw/BPD.

* When I am apart (only when we are at work) I can see the madness and I have spoken with Close and trusted friends, yes… the ability to get away is a blessing, and when I do speak about this to my co-worker, as I really have no one else to talk to, I hear “man, I would not put up with that, how do you do it?”, most times I stay here as late as possible, just because I dread going home, and that’s c-r-a-z-y !

* When things are either deescalating or about to explode, then I go into a panic mode and do everything to calm things, So do I, I hate this, and most times I fail at this, trying to calm things down,

I have used a myriad of “tools” that I have learned of here, and a swell other places, but as the time has passed in the relationship, I have grown somewhat despondent, and to be quite honest, I really don’t care if she is mad at me or not anymore, which most times she is anyways, so it does not matter to me any longer, yes despondent and angry I am now,

I have now adopted a somewhat sarcastic view, and as well methods to “handle” her when she is in a full blown “event” now, there was a time I was terrified of making her angry, but no more, kind of like I have accepted my fate with her, it will only end if I, or her exists, and although I have been to this point many times over the years now, I have not followed through… matter of fact, it is starting to affect me more and more, I once said here, and I heard it from someone else first, you cannot let yourself get lost in this, or you will become a “shell”…

I am no longer afraid to lose this relationship, but yet I cannot find the means or courage to end it (FOG)… for a laundry list of reasons, I have not looked forward to her company in a long time now, because I know her behaviors will come forth, it is a guaranty you see, this is my “normal” with her, I once called it her “default behavior pattern”…

There was a time that I had no idea of what BPD even was, I had heard of other terms, ie’ narcissism, bi-polar, and multiple pd, but when I stumbled across BPD, looking for an “explanation, (wow), this is what is happening, it was like finding a rune stone or something, the “secret blueprints”, I now call this my “decoder ring”… I have an explanation now… a “why”… lots yet to still learn, and many more miles to go, one day at a time, sometimes it comes down to hour by hour…

Red5