Should I file or wait for her to? (Part 2)

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Husband-

It's all painful and confusing... .and everyone has raised great and thoughtful  points.  Most recently, FF... .pregnancy.

For a bit you've been left to guess her whereabouts.  She could come back for a few weeks, or whatever, for an "exciting" sex-filled recycle. 

And then  next year, you could potentially be aching and broken,  wondering where she and YOUR baby are.,,and with whom... .

I am NOT intending to cause more pain for you.  We just have to be Eyes wide open.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Husband321]

I mean my wife is moving in with his wife.  And he is destroyed.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Husband-

I was JUST going to ask if THAT was what you meant!  Wow... .just... .wow... .

Now are you ready to file those papers?  Or are you just getting to the point of being almost amused by this?

I hope you can move toward healing.  I also wonder if the first ex-husband has any clue about BPD behaviors... .

Take care of yourself.
Gemsforeyes

[flourdust]

I mean my wife is moving in with his wife.  And he is destroyed.

Plenty of ongoing drama, but this doesn't change your situation. What do you plan to do? There is some good feedback and questions for you to consider further back in this thread.

[Husband321]

Plenty of ongoing drama, but this doesn't change your situation. What do you plan to do? There is some good feedback and questions for you to consider further back in this thread.

I wanted to file.  Could not  find her to serve her. 

She then said she filed and I was served. That was 9 days ago.

I'll call the county again to see if anything was filed then go from there tomorrow.

[formflier]

Wait... perhaps some confusion... .


Were you served?  If so, then there is a filing and you would have all of that information...

FF

[formflier]

If you want to be divorced and there is no filing.

You should file.

File and serve are different processes.

So... get step 1 done, then figure out step 2.

FF

[Husband321]

Wait... perhaps some confusion... .


Were you served?  If so, then there is a filing and you would have all of that information...

FF

Yes.  My mistake on typing.   She said I was going to be served about 9 days ago.

I have not been served yet. County website shows nothing filed yet.

[ForeverDad]

Then it was just words.  I recall a member posting years ago that he knew his ex was lying when her lips moved.  Harsh but there's more reality there than exaggeration.  Maybe she wanted you to react, feel guilty, ask her to return or just sit back and wait for whatever.

You do what you've got to do.  Waiting on her is not a good strategy.  Delaying overlong — letting her control the dynamic — also is not a good strategy.  This does not give you the green light to be mean or unreasonable, rather it says you can determine what is best for the overall situation and you should be proactive in protecting yourself.

[Skip]

 

I think Husband321 has said he wants to wait to see what she does... .that he feels no immediate need to jump into this.  We've all been there. Close, but not just over the threshold of ready. It will come.

I split out this post to talk about the relationship itself... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=319983.0


 

[TurbanCowboy]

Yes. It is all her money.

Not sure if this is a typical BPD trait or not, but sadly I don't see how it could ever work.

She fundamentally changes what she wants daily and weekly. In all ways. And just seemingly becomes bored.

From the outside life could not be better. Financially, sexually, always great company when together, etc.

But one week she might be happy to be a wife.  Then it is constraining. She wanted dogs. Then gave them away. Wanted kids. Then didn't. Loved our house.  Then hates it. Loved the state we live in.  Then hates it. Wants to start a business. Then doesn't.  Wants to go to school. Then doesn't.

As my therapist said "look.  You could give her exactly what she wants. And be the exact man she wants.  But then it will be the opposite in a week. So there is not much you can do"

Your therapist is 100% correct. For 10 years I questioned why my wife wanted to be with me if she wasn’t going to be happy. For 10 years I couldn’t understand how one minute I was the best and the next the worse.  Always one extreme or another.

The goalposts are always moving and you have to have super human mind reading skills.  It’s an impossible position to be in.

When someone is emotionally driven and feelings are facts, it’s impossible to have a healthy relationship.

[Husband321]

Your therapist is 100% correct. For 10 years I questioned why my wife wanted to be with me if she wasn’t going to be happy. For 10 years I couldn’t understand how one minute I was the best and the next the worse.  Always one extreme or another.

The goalposts are always moving and you have to have super human mind reading skills.  It’s an impossible position to be in.

When someone is emotionally driven and feelings are facts, it’s impossible to have a healthy relationship.

Yes. 

My wife doesn't know how to just "be".

I have zero drama on my side.  Nothing to argue about.

But, I understand just being a housewife is not fulfilling.  But she has a ton of money. So no point to work either.  No point to go to school. I would have supported whatever she wants, but she doesn't even know.

And yes skip.  It is a weird spot I am in.  I don't want to kiss her. I don't want to make love to her. But also , for whatever reason, hard for me to be the one to send the divorce papers.

[TurbanCowboy]

Yes. 

My wife doesn't know how to just "be".

I have zero drama on my side.  Nothing to argue about.

But, I understand just being a housewife is not fulfilling.  But she has a ton of money. So no point to work either.  No point to go to school. I would have supported whatever she wants, but she doesn't even know.

And yes skip.  It is a weird spot I am in.  I don't want to kiss her. I don't want to make love to her. But also , for whatever reason, hard for me to be the one to send the divorce papers.

My wife works for the government and is always looking to move onto the next GS level. She can’t stay at any one position for too long. She also went to grad school which she just finished. As soon as that ended the boredom kicked in. 

Housewife with money or career woman, I don’t think it matters, it’s an endless void of emptiness that can’t be filled.  There is a constant focus on what they don’t have.

My wife is always looking for that next thing. Unfortunately this time around that next thing wasn’t a promotion or another degree, it’s a new man.  I’m sure children with him will be next.

My wife is putting all her eggs in the basket of a man who is 43 and has two 2 year marriages under his belt. He also has the emotional maturity of a child. 

She’s burning bridges and trapping herself in a corner. Sad.

[livednlearned]

for whatever reason, hard for me to be the one to send the divorce papers.

Getting a divorce moves things from private to public.

It makes it real not just to you, but to the world.

Right now, you have a bit of control over how you grieve, who to share it with. A little at a time, as much as you can bear.

Getting married, you are happy, in front of friends.

Getting divorced, you are unbelievably sad, hurt, angry, bewildered, in front of mostly strangers.

It's hard.

Do you have a counselor to talk to?