Have had NC but will see them at family event...advice needed

[Furbaby Mom]

Hello everyone,
Briefly: SIL 1 and SIL 2 have BPD traits as well as MIL.  The last few years have been a roller coaster, but as of November, my H and I have been NC with both SIL's.  Christmas was awkward, but we handled it as best we could.  We got both girls gift cards, got nothing in return (not surprising), and were accused of stealing the gift card from the store because one did not have money on it.  Obviously, we did not steal it and it was a mistake.  This was brought to our attention by SIL 2's boyfriend who we have met once.  He messaged my husband accusing me of doing this on purpose.  The narrative of this SIL is that I stole my husband from her and I will go out of my way to make her feel like she is nothing.  I have accepted this narrative as being just that and so has my husband, but it does not make these things any easier to deal with. 
Since Christmas we saw SIL 1 once at a funeral where she acted very inappropriately (got drunk, sat at the table with the immediate family members, caused a scene by telling people that her family has disowned her and are ignoring her (not true of course... .in fact she has made several comments on facebook about disowning the family and how she will change her name).  She then proceeded to crash a wedding... .as in was not invited to a cousin's wedding, but just showed up.  Needless to say, she is going out of her way to get a lot of attention, mainly from her Dad (my FIL) who is also NC with her right now. 
My H and I were invited to an event at his mom's mom's house.  FIL will not be there as they divorced years ago.  MIL knows we are not on speaking terms with her daughters, but has repeated that we need to be on speaking terms for her birthday in June. 
I have a lot of anxiety about going this weekend.  The upside?  There will be a larger group of people there so I can avoid them.  I guess I need some advice on determining how to be polite without giving too much.  Any inch you give is interpreted as a mile and I am afraid that even if I am polite, they will take that as everything is cool and then they will be right back in our lives causing drama. 
How do others draw the NC line?  We are going to be there for my H's grandma, otherwise we would not go.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Furbaby Mom, 

It sure sounds as if there is a whole lot of drama sourounding this upcoming visit. I'm sorry and know you must be experiencing a lot of anxiety over it.

When my D got married, my uBPDm was great at drawing a lot of attention to herself, and it had my stomach in knots for a long time before and during the wedding. It's so hard. My friend kept reminding me that the wedding wasn't about my mom. Good point.

It may seem simple, but this party is for Grandma and no one else. So make it about Grandma! Focus only on Grandma and her celebration, the stories of her life, the memories you have shared with her, the joys. Bring it always back to her. Keep on the path of facts and fun regarding her and don't let anyone draw you astray. If they try to change the subject, bring it back to Grandma again. 'Be a broken record' as they say.

You can also try to stay away from those who cause trouble as much as is possible. If they try to bring up trouble, go back to the joy of this special day. As you remain confident, you are empowering yourself.

How does this sound to you?

 
Wools

[Furbaby Mom]

Thank you for your response.  You ask how it sounds to me and there are two initial thoughts: 1. it sounds relaxing... .dare I say drama-free and 2. it sounds easier than it has in the past. 

To my own surprise, working on disengaging from the drama has been the most difficult skill in these relationships, thus the NC.  I realized I have a threshold for the drama and the abuse and the most helpful thing about this site is that I am not the only one. 

Lately, it has been easier for me to get into the car after an event and say "Wow... .your sister's actions were out of line."  I can do this mainly because the attacks on me have gone down tremendously since we stopped communicating with them.  I am guessing that that is one of the only benefits of no contact.  I know how much it hurts my husband and how badly he would like to have a relationship with his siblings like I have with mine.  I want that for him too, but we both cannot have that if it is at my expense. 

Is it wrong that NC is making me feel empowered? 

[strength_love]

I am NC with my mother and for me no contact means absolutely no contact. There is literally no situation where I would be present if she was there. It is not safe for me. My boundary is clear and firm. I will not sacrifice my personal/emotional/psychological safety for any reason.

When there is a situation or occasion that might mean a crossing of paths I will not attend. People have learned not to expect me to. If it is a birthday or anniversary or something I will arrange a more intimate celebration before or after the bigger one, take the guest of honor out for lunch or dinner or something like that. There are many ways to show my love and respect for people without breaching my boundaries.

It is true that if we give an inch it is viewed as a mile. There is a good reason for that: Because by giving an inch we are showing our boundaries are negotiable or breakable, and that given enough guilt and obligation or whatever other tactics, the boundaries will be lifted.

My personal advice would be to stay true to your boundaries and show through your actions that NC really means NC. Even if that means taking your grandma and MIL out for dinner instead of being at the big bash.

If that really isn't something you're ready to do then I would recommend doing what my husband and I do when we attend an event we're unsure about. We agree on a 'safe word' that, when one of us speaks it to the other, means "time to leave now." We both agree that no matter what is happening and no matter how obligated we feel to stay, if this word is spoken we will extricate ourselves from the event immediately.

For example, the word might be "hippopotamus" and we're at the event and my husband might casually say, ":)id you know hippopotamuses are actually really dangerous creatures?" or "That sweater is such a lovely hippopotamus color" and I will immediately know to start saying our goodbyes and withdrawing from the event.

It works really well and could help to take some of the pressure off feeling obligated to be somewhere you don't feel safe. Just knowing that if things go sideways you have a way to signal your husband that you want to leave - and a commitment from him to leave immediately with you - could take a load off of your mind.

[Furbaby Mom]

I appreciate this group because I do think it holds me accountable to my piece of the pattern that evolves.  The patterns are so deeply ingrained in my husband's family it is much harder for him to break them, understandably so. 

To update: we went.  We survived as I knew we would.  It was very uncomfortable.  His oldest sister (SIL 1), ignored both of us which was totally fine by me as I also avoided her.  The other sister, (SIL 2) acted much differently.  Her boyfriend was there and they both seemed to really want to get my attention and talk.  This is only the second time I had met him, despite various stunts he has pulled the last few months.  He has messaged my husband MANY times on Facebook trying to "figure out how to get" his girlfriend (my SIL) and me to be okay.  His messages are demeaning toward me and clearly she has told him a narrative about me and "how I am."  As I mentioned previously, he has recently accused me of gifting her a fake gift to embarrass her. 

I am curious if anyone else has run into this.  Both of my SIL's have boyfriends who seem to do these really odd behaviors on their girlfriend's behalf.  For instance, crashing that wedding... .I would have thought her boyfriend would tell her, "No, we can't do that." 

Is this typical of romantic relationships with borderlines?  I sense that the girls call the shots and the boys will do whatever they can to keep the girl around, even if that means getting super involved in a situation they know nothing about. 

I don't feel like what happened between me and SIL 2 has anything to do with him.  In fact, a lot of what happened involves the other men she was with while she was "dating" this guy.  It seems so twisted.  I just avoided him, but I felt like he was following me around trying really hard to start a conversation.  I didn't want to get into anything with him and despite a few rude comments he made, I was successful in my mission. 

[strength_love]

I am curious if anyone else has run into this.  Both of my SIL's have boyfriends who seem to do these really odd behaviors on their girlfriend's behalf.  For instance, crashing that wedding... .I would have thought her boyfriend would tell her, "No, we can't do that." 

Is this typical of romantic relationships with borderlines?  I sense that the girls call the shots and the boys will do whatever they can to keep the girl around, even if that means getting super involved in a situation they know nothing about. 

I'm glad to hear you came out of the event intact. It can be so tricky to get through things like that.

I don't know whether it's typical for borderlines to proxy other people into a relationship but it sure feels typical for how my sister behaves. And I could hear huge bells ring off in my head as you said, "clearly she has told him a narrative about me and 'how I am.'" Can I EVER relate to that!

Years ago my sister had invited my mother and I to visit her and her new girlfriend at the new home they were sharing together. I had never met the girlfriend - let's call her Sally for the sake of brevity - but had heard so much about her I was excited to finally meet her. Practically from the minute I walked in the door Sally was on my back and acting very brash and confrontational and aggressive toward me. I was shocked. I had never met this woman before. I thought, "This person my sister is dating seems pretty awful!"

I tried to be polite for my sister's sake, but I found the whole experience very unsettling. At some point during the visit Sally jumped on something I said and practically physically attacked me. My mother had to jump between us to prevent a physical assault. Sally yelled and screamed and said all these horrible things to me about how I supposedly was. It was truly shocking.

It was then when it finally dawned on me - this bad behavior isn't about Sally and her personality, it's about my sister. My sister has painted some sort of picture of me to Sally and Sally is responding to that narrative. She is trying to be 'protective' of my sister. The irony was palpable.

I've seen this play out in other ways in my relationship with my sister. Because she needs to constantly demonize or idealize people based on whether they are fulfilling her needs at the time, different people in her life get a really overblown celebrity style take on what I'm like, or else they get a horror story about what I'm like. Often when I meet one of her friends or girlfriends I can tell which story they've gotten about me based on how they react to me.

It's gotten to the point where I try to stay somewhat distanced from my sister's social life, particularly since I've been trying to enforce boundaries, etc. and it has put me back into her bad books.

[Furbaby Mom]

Thank you for sharing a piece of your story.  It becomes really tricky for me. 

I feel like a narrative has been told about me and then all of his interventions he has made have been very negative about me... .which leads me to try to protect myself and my relationship.  I am so unsure of how to move forward with any kind of relationship with my SIL's because of these odd dynamics playing out.  I have made some progress with SIL 2 in the past by requesting she does not bring other people into mine and her relationship.  We are back in a place where she has brought her boyfriend in and that makes it hard to a. like him and b. have any relationship with her. 

I want to figure out a way to bring them back into our lives without caving into their bad behavior and verbal abuse.  I don't see how it's possible right now, especially when they both have men in their lives confirming the narratives they have created.

[strength_love]

I have personally found that going no-contact in most cases has had a tremendously positive impact on my life - it's literally transformed my self-esteem and overall well-being. So it only follows that I would tend to recommend NC in situations that might otherwise put people at risk for abuse or nasty false narratives. Still, I can understand and respect that it's not always something people are ready/able to do. In the cases where I still have contact, I have found that sticking to iron clad boundaries that protect me from exposure to toxic behavior or abuse has helped, but I am still on the edge of no contact with those people, too.

If you do decide to bring your SILs back into your life I would urge absolute caution. Disordered people do not tend to observe and respect boundaries, that's why it's essential we observe and respect and enforce our boundaries. I have contact with my sister, for example, and I don't talk much about boundaries with her anymore. She tends to react to any discussion of boundaries by attacking me and it's not worth it. Instead I have internally set my own boundaries and limitations on what type of behavior I will tolerate from others, and when those boundaries are crossed I will cut the interaction short, no questions asked. I have a zero tolerance policy for boundary breaches. I have a conscious understanding that I am responsible for managing these things, even if it must be unilateral.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi again Furbaby 

I've often found that dysfunction draws dysfunction like a magnet. Do you think that may be part of what is going on?

It is really hard to know what healthy is and how to operate in that healthiness when all we've known is unhealthy. It's become our normal. I know I've struggled gratly with it because I thought I was healthy and normal. It has taken T and stepping back to see that I picked up on my own unhealthy behaviours that have been my guiding force, but they felt so healthy.

As you heal and grow, you will be able to make a decision from that perspective which will help you make the determination if it's the right time to get back together with them. What do you think?

How are you able to focus on your own emotional health and healing? Have you ever looked at our list on the right hand side of our board? ----->> > Anything you click on opens up into a larger window with more information. Where would you say you are?

 
Wools

[Furbaby Mom]

With my career as a therapist, I have often considered my own personal dysfunction and how I bring that to my clients and to my relationships.  I perhaps think too much about my own contribution to this particular situation which is why I feel like I continue to give additional chances. 

My piece to own?  I have a really hard time with people not liking me.  I know that there will always be people who don't agree with what I have to say, etc... .it is more complicated than just that.  My family of origin is my lifeline.  We grew up very close to one another and still are.  I talk to my mom daily.  The idea of my family not liking me is too much for me to handle.  I married into a family where a few of the members do not like me and that is really hard for me to manage. 

I want it to be different for my husband and for myself.  I think of the next steps of my life which will hopefully include having children.  It very much scares me giving our track record.  I think a piece of me would like to "fix" things so that the next phase of my life can be the best it can be.  I would want my kids to have relationships with their aunts mainly because I am an aunt and I can't imagine not being in my niece's life. 

The history of my SIL's is very daunting especially when I think of introducing children into their lives now.  First, I don't think they would be happy for us and would in fact be very jealous.  Second, SIL 1 lost custody of her two children years ago.  I know that if we were to have kids it would strike a nerve with her and I am not sure what she would do.  I worry she would hurt herself or go back to drugs.  SIL 2 has had a history of doing drugs in front of me and then denying it later.  Their lifestyle choices are their own and I cannot control that I know.  I would just hate to have to deprive them of the experience of being an aunt and to deprive kids of having two aunts. 

I am rambling I know... .this is just where my thoughts go and why I am feeling like I want things to be better.  As a therapist I know that you have to accept people and situations where they are and I am doing that.  I am getting better everyday with it.  I can't stop myself though from trying to mentally prepare for the next phase of life.

Does that make sense? 

I am taking many steps to try to take care of myself.  The biggest was going no contact and to be honest, it has helped tremendously.  Having the support of my family and my husband is even bigger, which I now have. 

[strength_love]

I perhaps think too much about my own contribution to this particular situation which is why I feel like I continue to give additional chances. 

I can really relate to this. And when I give additional chances it's hard to resist the temptation to blame the pwBPD and think of them as having taken advantage of, or having squandered, my goodwill. But I know the real truth is that it's my responsibility to set and stick with boundaries and limitations, and therefore my responsibility when I let things slide and end up getting hurt. I know what I'm dealing with.

In that sense I guess it's a bit of a vicious cycle. My concern about how I might be contributing leads me to give second (third, fourth, etc.) chances, that leads to more pain and struggle with the situation because I haven't honored my boundaries, which in turn is the real contributor to the continuing problem for me.