So cryptic

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

She contacted me early this morning.
The first message was 'you disgust me, you aren't my friend'
the second message was a link to the kate bush song, 'running up that hill'
So fed up with all of this, why can't we just communicate properly.

[Pencil sketch]

She contacted me early this morning.
The first message was 'you disgust me, you aren't my friend'
the second message was a link to the kate bush song, 'running up that hill'
So fed up with all of this, why can't we just communicate properly.

[babyducks]

Pencil Sketch,

I can hear that you are frustrated.   I get it.    I would be frustrated too. 

I know this pattern of communication has been going on for a while between you two.   It was about a week ago that you sent her a set of texts, right?

What do you want to do?     Do you want to break this pattern of communication?    Do you want to further your understanding of why she would act the way she does?    Do you want to further understand why it might bother you?

'ducks

[Pencil sketch]

I just want to know why she doesn't just leave me alone.
I know how I feel, and i think she does.
She says she hates me, doesn't want a relationship with me, doesn't want to see me, and I know I have to work on myself, and my reactions, responses. I would like to have an opportunity to under stand what her actions mean, and vice versa.
It's the emotional connection that makes it so hard for us to walk away, is she playing on that? Can they keep this up for that long?

[babyducks]

Okay.   Let's dig in and begin to unpack this.

You are in a  circular argument.    An argument about nothing that goes round and round and never resolves.

Hmmm I seem to remember a great work shop on this site about circular arguments.    Now where did that go in the reshuffle.

She is not going to willingly leave a circular argument because she is getting something out of it.  A place to dump her negative emotions as Grey Kitty would say.

A place to project her hurt, anger and rage.

To end a circular argument some one has to be the emotional leader and change the dynamic.

What do you think so far?

[Pencil sketch]

I have realised, I have posted on the wrong board, although, with he coming and going, I don't know where I belong.
She has gone and come back so many times, my head is spinning.
I have asked for a period of no contact, I have to be the one to break this relentless cycle.
To recap, she has gone off for long periods, and returned, the last, after she changed her number, and came back 2 weeks ago, full of hate and spite.
This is so damn hard, why is it so hard, leaving these people.

[babyducks]

That's okay pencil,   I would have answered you the same no matter which board you were on.

There is a lot of push go away,  pull come here extremes when you are in a relationship with someone who has BPD.

As much as it feels very personal it's not really about you.    It's a lot more about the poor impulse control and reactivity of a pwBPD.

Now if I could only find that link to circular arguments. .

Okay help someone, ... .Where did it go?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey P.S.,  It sounds like you are dealing with that rare animal from the Dr. Doolittle books, the Pushmepullyou.  If you stay in a r/s with a pwBPD, you may find that it's like having the Pushmepullyou for a pet.  Only you know whether such an animal is right for you!

LJ

[Red5]

Hey P.S.,  It sounds like you are dealing with that rare animal from the Dr. Doolittle books, the Pushmepullyou.  If you stay in a r/s with a pwBPD, you may find that it's like having the Pushmepullyou for a pet.  Only you know whether such an animal is right for you!

LJ

Lucky Jim... .I think my Pushmepullyou has fleas  ... .not only "push" currently, but now going after innocent bystanders, the circle is widening... .

Red5

[babyducks]

Pencil Sketch

Finally found the workshop on circular arguments here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0

and while I was in the workshop area I found this one which is also very good:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=67059.0

We all do some degree of push/pull.    Go on a long car trip with some young kids and oh yeah at some point we are going to need some alone time.     Work near someone who is abrasive and you'll find yourself going for coffee more often.

What I found helpful at this site in addition to the support, was the opportunity to learn, heal and grow.   

what I learned was I was allowing myself to be pushed and pulled because my self esteem was low enough that I accepted the push hoping for the pull.

it was my part of the dysfunctional dance.     

what do you think?

'ducks

[Lucky Jim]

Red5: Sounds like you have encountered the rare Pushmepullyou!  Fill us in, when you can.  LJ