I Now Know How To Hate

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am having such a bad bad day. My 16-year-old Beagle/Pit mix keeps falling and is unable to get back up. In the meantime, my father-in-law cut me off completely from any money on December 21. I have not been reimbursed $8000 in legal fees. I am on food stamps and social security, and I guess what's killing me today is I know I need to put the dog down. It's cruel to keep her alive. She's terrified when she can't get back up, and I don't have money to put her down or get her cremated, and, in the meantime, my H has $59,000 in his Ameritrade account. My in-laws are prominent, wealthy people who donate in order to get hospital wings built. And I am on food stamps. And I am looking to sell stuff so I can get money together for this dog.
It's not as bad as some people have it. I am still living in my home, and my father-in-law is still paying for the electric and whatnot as the house is an asset of a trust that my FIL handles. So, in other words, maintaining the house is more important than ensuring I have food in the house. Okay to let the people in my state pick up the tab for feeding me, as long as the asset is maintained.
These people--my H, my in-laws, and my H's psychiatrist--have taught me how to hate.
My sin here was loving a man, whom I mistakenly believed loved me in return. And, maybe, he did love me. Maybe. But it was more of a dependent love, and now my H wants his "independence," however that manifests.
And in the meantime, I am dealing with a dog who never did anything to anyone, who now needs to be euthanized, and I don't have the money.
I owe my lawyer $1300, which I don't have.
Like I said, these people have taught me how to hate. I've never wished anyone ill the way I wish ill upon all of them.
I effing hate every last one of them. And, as far as forgiveness is concerned, let God forgive them because I can't.
TMD

[toomanydogs]

I am having such a bad bad day. My 16-year-old Beagle/Pit mix keeps falling and is unable to get back up. In the meantime, my father-in-law cut me off completely from any money on December 21. I have not been reimbursed $8000 in legal fees. I am on food stamps and social security, and I guess what's killing me today is I know I need to put the dog down. It's cruel to keep her alive. She's terrified when she can't get back up, and I don't have money to put her down or get her cremated, and, in the meantime, my H has $59,000 in his Ameritrade account. My in-laws are prominent, wealthy people who donate in order to get hospital wings built. And I am on food stamps. And I am looking to sell stuff so I can get money together for this dog.
It's not as bad as some people have it. I am still living in my home, and my father-in-law is still paying for the electric and whatnot as the house is an asset of a trust that my FIL handles. So, in other words, maintaining the house is more important than ensuring I have food in the house. Okay to let the people in my state pick up the tab for feeding me, as long as the asset is maintained.
These people--my H, my in-laws, and my H's psychiatrist--have taught me how to hate.
My sin here was loving a man, whom I mistakenly believed loved me in return. And, maybe, he did love me. Maybe. But it was more of a dependent love, and now my H wants his "independence," however that manifests.
And in the meantime, I am dealing with a dog who never did anything to anyone, who now needs to be euthanized, and I don't have the money.
I owe my lawyer $1300, which I don't have.
Like I said, these people have taught me how to hate. I've never wished anyone ill the way I wish ill upon all of them.
I effing hate every last one of them. And, as far as forgiveness is concerned, let God forgive them because I can't.
TMD

[ForeverDad]

I'm sorry for your pet distress.  I wonder if your county has a inexpensive animal shelter that does euthanasia.

Also, would it work to tell your lawyer his fee may have to come out of any marital equity you get?

[toomanydogs]

Also, would it work to tell your lawyer his fee may have to come out of any marital equity you get?

The law firm where my lawyer works doesn't defer payment that way. My option would be to switch lawyers, which I don't really want to do, as this lawyer is the first who's been knowledgeable about prenups and trusts.

The other option, which I'd be more apt to do than switch lawyers, is go pro se, which would delay the divorce, which is something I know my FIL isn't eager to do. It's the only reason I'd consider that option, thinking that if I am every bit as disagreeable as they all are, maybe that'll push them a bit to be less disagreeable.
TMD

[flourdust]

The court doesn't like it when one spouse cuts the other one's finances off. This is what emergency motions are for. Why doesn't your lawyer schedule a court call to make an emergency motion for temporary maintenance? That can happen very quickly. Your husband's actions to cut you off will also look very bad to the court, so you may also get other things you ask for, like him covering your legal expenses or releasing other assets to you.

[toomanydogs]

The court doesn't like it when one spouse cuts the other one's finances off. This is what emergency motions are for. Why doesn't your lawyer schedule a court call to make an emergency motion for temporary maintenance? That can happen very quickly. Your husband's actions to cut you off will also look very bad to the court, so you may also get other things you ask for, like him covering your legal expenses or releasing other assets to you.

Hi FlourDust,
 My lawyer filed an emergency motion on December 21. We've yet to get a court date. Today has just been a bad day. I can usually find that part of myself that re-stabilizes me when things go south, but not today. The dog's health and an ongoing problem with my websites going down have completely unraveled me. It's time to treat myself really gently. Thanks for the response,
TMD

[BeagleGirl]

TMD,
    As you can tell by my username, I'm a big time Beagle lover.  I have 3.  About 3 years ago we woke up to one of them (10 years old at the time) hiding under my son's bed, panting heavily and unable to control her rear legs.  We really thought we'd have to put her down.  She has an enlarged heart and the vet didn't feel comfortable using anesthesia on her to do the MRI they would need to see if there was a correctable back issue causing her pain and inability to control her legs.  We ended up just putting her on pain killers and muscle relaxers, carrying her up and down stairs and outside to do her business, for a few days and she came around.  3 years later she's still making sure we are all safe and sound (she's the watch dog of the pack).  I'll hope and pray that you can have a similar recovery and a bit more time with your Beagle/Pit.
    If those prayers aren't answered, I would suggest going to the humane society website and searching for charity veterinary services.  They have a list of resources by state and also have a link for vets and vet schools that can offer emergency services.
    As far as learning to hate goes, I don't know that I've reached the hate stage, but I've definitely been in and out of the anger stage.  I know that there are times when even the smallest injustices can trigger full blown rage, which then triggers guilt because I feel like I shouldn't be so angry.  One of the things my counselor has helped me with is accepting that anger, in and of itself, is not bad and that sometimes I just need to "sit with my anger".  I don't know if you are facing similar feelings of guilt over your hate, but it sounds like you are angry that your H seemingly has the power to turn you into a hateful person.  I definitely understand that. 
    I don't know if this will help, but I am wondering if refocusing your energy, even for a little bit of time, on loving intensely would help to remind you of who you are and the lack of true power your H has.  I am picturing you with a huge well of love that you want(ed) to pour into your H.  He has rejected that love, and now it is all bottled up and "souring" inside you.  Maybe you can pour that love into making your Beagle/Pit comfortable and honored in what may be the last days you have together.  I know that it really hurts to lose someone or something that you love and the natural reaction is to pull away, but I have found that bottled up love can be just as painful.
   My thoughts and prayers are with you.
BeagleGirl

[toomanydogs]

TMD,
    As you can tell by my username, I'm a big time Beagle lover.  I have 3.  About 3 years ago we woke up to one of them (10 years old at the time) hiding under my son's bed, panting heavily and unable to control her rear legs.  We really thought we'd have to put her down... .
    If those prayers aren't answered, I would suggest going to the humane society website and searching for charity veterinary services.  They have a list of resources by state and also have a link for vets and vet schools that can offer emergency services.
   
    I don't know if this will help, but I am wondering if refocusing your energy, even for a little bit of time, on loving intensely would help to remind you of who you are and the lack of true power your H has.  I am picturing you with a huge well of love that you want(ed) to pour into your H.  He has rejected that love, and now it is all bottled up and "souring" inside you.  Maybe you can pour that love into making your Beagle/Pit comfortable and honored in what may be the last days you have together.  I know that it really hurts to lose someone or something that you love and the natural reaction is to pull away, but I have found that bottled up love can be just as painful.
   My thoughts and prayers are with you.
BeagleGirl

Thank you, BeagleGirl,
  All of your recommendations here are spot on.
  Now that the day is wrapping up, I'm feeling a little better, and I'm able to pull on what it was that triggered me to such an extent, and I know what it is, and it's what broke up my first marriage. I can put up with a lot. I put up with getting cut off. I sucked in my pride, went on food stamps (I still feel humiliated. I drive a paid-for BMW and I'm getting food stamps.), and I could find it in myself to kind of be okay.
  But to watch the actions of my H, his psychiatrist, and my FIL affect a dog? My first husband started treating my son the way he treated me (pretending not to hear what either of us had said and a bunch of other mean behaviors), and that's when I filed for divorce. I feel powerless to stop my FIL until I get to court, and, in the meantime, not only am I at his mercy, my dogs are, my kids, my grandkids (I've helped my granddaughter in particular because her parents still struggle, and it makes me happy to give her swimming lessons and gymnastics lessons). And to see the effect of the actions of adults, who really should know better, on kids and animals? I pretty much lost it today.
  I do have a vet I've been seeing for nearly 20 years. He does charity work, and he might be willing to bill me if it comes to that. Right now the Pit/Beagle mix is on her feet, a bit shaky, but she's eating, and I'm keeping her in rooms that have rugs. Most of my house has saltillo tile or brick, and she slides, so the rugs help.
  Thank you, BeagleGirl. I so want this to be over.
TMD

[flourdust]

My lawyer filed an emergency motion on December 21. We've yet to get a court date.

Ugh, frustrating! I hope you get that soon. If your lawyer is assertive, you should be able to have a motion for temporary maintenance heard at that first meeting.

[toomanydogs]

Ugh, frustrating! I hope you get that soon. If your lawyer is assertive, you should be able to have a motion for temporary maintenance heard at that first meeting.
[/quote
It's incredibly frustrating. The lawyer I have now is pretty assertive, and I feel like she's watching my back.
TMD