Trying to reverse the damage done by a BPD

[str8talk]

I recently broke up with my ex who is BPD, or he broke up with me I should say. By text message, while I was driving 18 hours straight in inclement weather the day after Christmas, and three days after my cousin died suddenly. He was supposed to be on that drive with me home to see my family, after he promised my entire family for months he was coming, and then the day of refused to wake up to get in the car. As I was driving back early from my trip to get home to him, he text me saying that while I was away (4 days) he fell in love with someone else and that he needed stability which I was no longer providing (because I was upset at the sudden loss of my cousin and him bailing on Christmas). This is all after months of severe emotional abuse. He knew that I had overcome an eating disorder but would make comments about my weight and tell me that he was used to dating skinnier girls. So I reverted back to old habits and he would praise me for not eating and working out to excess one day, and the next accuse me of hiding food and not working out and would call me horrible names. I read the book Stop Walking on Eggshells and it has helped me depersonalize somewhat, but I'm still having a hard time getting all of his negative (and inconsistent) comments out of my head. He also told me the new girl he was in love with "looks the way he wants her to look without her having to change anything". Nobody in my life even believes this other girl is real, and he does lie incessantly, but not knowing for sure is driving me mad.

[FindingMe2011]

Hello str8talk, like the name... .As these toxic r/s dissolve, the worst in all involved, seems to take the stage... .the crazy making u describe, is typical, and many share similar stories... .words become weapons, in most break ups, hanging on them will not serve you well. Observing the actions will

   
Trying to reverse the damage done by a BPD

i found this interesting... .rest assured , although BPD has piled on, and created a lot of confusion, the illness hasnt created your damage, as much as it has, exposed your damage... .a healthy way to reverse this damage, would be to understanding your own

Unfortunately, the illness will take our deepest fears, and use them as weapons... .Im sorry for your family's loss, and hope some day, u come to realize, you dodged a bullet... .And just as the ones before you, the ones after you, will suffer the same behaviour... .I wish u well PEACE
 

[once removed]

hi str8talk and

yikes. thats one of the most insensitive means of a breakup ive ever heard, and to top it off, he really threw the kitchen sink at you and got nasty. im sorry. i can imagine how painful that would be, and continue to be.

im glad you found us. the healing can begin.

it sounds like you really went through the wringer for a long time. do you want to tell us more about what youve been through? it can help to talk.

how long were the two of you together? when was the last time you spoke?

[str8talk]

We were together for a year, but there were no outbursts, kicking me out of the house, name calling, etc. for the first half of our relationship... it's like he was able to hide the BPD until he wasn't. I would be at the house, leave to go to the gym or the grocery store and everything would be great, come back an hour later and he was in a total rage telling me to the Get the F out with no explanation, a blank look in his eyes, and totally detached. The next day, or even later that night, he would be normal again and act like nothing ever happened.

[str8talk]

December 28 is the last time we spoke... .WOW. I'm realizing for the first time typing that out that it's been a month. Time moves so slow and so fast at the same time.

[Pencil sketch]

Str8talk, I know how you feel, and can't fathom how these people can be so utterly cruel, and I do struggle to remember, an illness is causing this. I remember one day, I made a comment that my ex looked tired, that started a 3 day argument, she once told me, I made her so depressed, she wanted to kill herself, this is after, I took her out for her birthday, when I became tearful, she did the mock violin, and told me to grow a pair.
Stay no contact, they just take more and more.
It's their insecurities playing out.

[FindingMe2011]

It's their insecurities playing out.

As is ours'. Ours' are the only ones, we have a chance of correcting, or curbing... I wish u well, PEACE

[In a bad way]

We were together for a year, but there were no outbursts, kicking me out of the house, name calling, etc. for the first half of our relationship... it's like he was able to hide the BPD until he wasn't. I would be at the house, leave to go to the gym or the grocery store and everything would be great, come back an hour later and he was in a total rage telling me to the Get the F out with no explanation, a blank look in his eyes, and totally detached. The next day, or even later that night, he would be normal again and act like nothing ever happened.

I can totally relate to this, mine hid her true self for 4 months then it all started.
One minute she would be laughing and in a great mood then for no reason she would start an argument, ruin the evening. Which resulted in her telling me to f off out of her house, not to text or ring her, acting like a complete mad woman.
Then it could be a couple of hours later or the next morning after she had been asleep she would text me and ask me where I had gone. I'd tell her what she had done and she would say she didn't remember and she was sorry and to come back and she promised not to do it again.
This happened more and more, she once turned to me and asked me what the f** I was doing in her house, completely out of nowhere. Then told me to f off out.
It was surreal, like a different entity had taken over her, I've never seen anything like it.

[toomanydogs]

Hi Str8talk!
Wow, what a horrible way to break up with you. It does seem that people with BPD have extreme difficulty dealing with anything that can take attention away from them--a death. My H started going sideways about a month before my niece's newborn died, and when I had to fly out to the funeral, he was never able to put things right, and by then I'd been married nearly 10 years and was too exhausted, too fed up with his behavior to even try to understand why he'd go after me after the death of a newborn.
I agree with you, it feels very much like we have to undo the damage the BPD left behind. I'm on another thread discussing the peculiar sexual fetishes my H had/has, and what kind of an impact that had.
Give yourself space to feel whatever you feel. My H left in August; I've had no contact with him since. I am still bouncing. When I bounce downward, I don't stay there as long, but the grief when I'm down is pretty intense, even now some five months later. When I feel okay and when I'm able to stock of where I'm at emotionally, I do recognize that as intense as the grief is, the time I'm grieving is shorter and spaced apart more.
This is a good place for you to be,
TMD

[str8talk]

and of course as soon as I tell you the last contact was a month ago, he messages me today letting me know "how genuinely happy" he is now. If that were the case he wouldn't feel the need to bother me, and I doubt he will ever be able to be genuinely happy, but its such a slap in the face like reminding me that he wasn't ever really happy with me. Ughhh.