Painted Black

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello again.

I have been “painted black” again and on Day 3 on the receiving end of the Silent Treatment; I’m looking for a link to dealing with being treated that way please.

I’m happy to share the details, but in short I made a choice of my kids’ happiness over my GF’s (we are both divorced with teen and adult children).  I didn’t cancel a 5 day upcoming vacation GF initiated and my kids committed to going to, and then GF backed out last minute.  GF said after she backed out THIS past Monday, yes go ahead and finalize the plans without me; so I did. Apparently I was suppose to just completely cancel.

Thanks.

[MarkDavid]

Hello again.

I have been “painted black” again and on Day 3 on the receiving end of the Silent Treatment; I’m looking for a link to dealing with being treated that way please.

I’m happy to share the details, but in short I made a choice of my kids’ happiness over my GF’s (we are both divorced with teen and adult children).  I didn’t cancel a 5 day upcoming vacation GF initiated and my kids committed to going to, and then GF backed out last minute.  GF said after she backed out THIS past Monday, yes go ahead and finalize the plans without me; so I did. Apparently I was suppose to just completely cancel.

Thanks.

[pearlsw]

Hi,

Here's a link on the Silent Treatment: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68733.0

There is a lot to read on this!

Can you tell us more about what lead up to it and how you want to respond to it?

Are you still going on the trip? Hope this situation works out for you!

wishing you well, pearl.

[MarkDavid]

Hi,

Here's a link on the Silent Treatment: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68733.0

There is a lot to read on this!

Can you tell us more about what lead up to it and how you want to respond to it?

Are you still going on the trip? Hope this situation works out for you!

wishing you well, pearl.

Thank you for the link.

As with most, of course it is a long complicated story. I will tell it in the days and weeks to come; it is actually somewhat sad, but the primary event is that apparently her ex husband of 3 years who is very close to her 15 year old has a cancer diagnosis at like 52 years old and will be getting surgery in the short term. So GF has basically made the choice to just cut me out while she deals with her 15 year old daughters feelings.

Because uBPD ex GF is always so secretive and keeps things close to the vest, I did not really know much of the details of his health situation. In any event, I just think this situation is an excuse for her to just bail out on everything, and a claim over this non cancellation of a promised vacation to my kids of just 5 days that I am not “there for her” when she needs me. February 24 vacation.

I’m just backing off; my last words to her were a good morning I love you text, but I have received nothing since. So I’m just laying low and living my life. I guess she will talk to me if and when she ever chooses to.

There are a lot more details, but that is the starting point of the situation.  Obviously there is a lot more information I need to share to give proper context.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey MD, My two cents: you did the right thing by keeping your vacation plans with your kids.  I declined or cancelled many events during my marriage to my BPDxW out of fear of reprisals or in the interest of "keeping the peace."  Looking back, I see that I was quite susceptible to manipulation by my BPD Ex, and I regret that I often caved in after her arm-twisting.  As a result, I missed out on a lot of important and fun gatherings, which I can't get back.  My suggestion: go on your vacation and have a blast with your kids.

LuckyJim

[MarkDavid]

Hey MD, My two cents: you did the right thing by keeping your vacation plans with your kids.  I declined or cancelled many events during my marriage to my BPDxW out of fear of reprisals or in the interest of "keeping the peace."  Looking back, I see that I was quite susceptible to manipulation by my BPD Ex, and I regret that I often caved in after her arm-twisting.  As a result, I missed out on a lot of important and fun gatherings, which I can't get back.  My suggestion: go on your vacation and have a blast with your kids.

LuckyJim

Thanks LJ; appreciate it big time actually. Bummed at the moment; yet picture if that is all she thinks of me, it’s for the best. That said, it’s stinging right now, no doubt.

[formflier]

Mark David,

The details of your story may be interesting, but I hope you would consider that they could also be distractions to keep you focused on small details, rather than the big picture.

You had plans, she cancelled and encouraged the rest to continue... .which you did... .and then somehow that turned into something that didn't work.

I would offer the opportunity to her to help you understand... .and I would say you need to focus on having a good vacation. 

Keep the offer open for her to "uncancel"

I would also resist thinking that you picked kids over her or vice versa (that's a distraction)... .

If she doesn't like how this turned out, she can make different communications choices next time...

Resist letting her convince you that you have things to change.

FF

[MarkDavid]

Mark David,

The details of your story may be interesting, but I hope you would consider that they could also be distractions to keep you focused on small details, rather than the big picture.

You had plans, she cancelled and encouraged the rest to continue... .which you did... .and then somehow that turned into something that didn't work.

I would offer the opportunity to her to help you understand... .and I would say you need to focus on having a good vacation. 

Keep the offer open for her to "uncancel"

I would also resist thinking that you picked kids over her or vice versa (that's a distraction)... .

If she doesn't like how this turned out, she can make different communications choices next time...

Resist letting her convince you that you have things to change.

FF

Perhaps she actually finally was and is actually being honest when she didn’t and doesn’t respond to my last communication with her Tuesday when I said I loved her: that in the end she actually does not love me.

[MarkDavid]

Thank you for the link.

As with most, of course it is a long complicated story. I will tell it in the days and weeks to come; it is actually somewhat sad, but the primary event is that apparently her ex husband of 3 years who is very close to her 15 year old has a cancer diagnosis at like 52 years old and will be getting surgery in the short term. So GF has basically made the choice to just cut me out while she deals with her 15 year old daughters feelings.

Because uBPD ex GF is always so secretive and keeps things close to the vest, I did not really know much of the details of his health situation. In any event, I just think this situation is an excuse for her to just bail out on everything, and a claim over this non cancellation of a promised vacation to my kids of just 5 days that I am not “there for her” when she needs me. February 24 vacation.

I’m just backing off; my last words to her were a good morning I love you text, but I have received nothing since. So I’m just laying low and living my life. I guess she will talk to me if and when she ever chooses to.

There are a lot more details, but that is the starting point of the situation.  Obviously there is a lot more information I need to share to give proper context.

I feel the need in order to get better feedback from all of you to give a much better explanation of what is going on.  I alluded to the major situation that is happening above, but I kind of glossed over it in a way in my explanation above.  This is about this vacation I mentioned, but it is MORE SO about her exH and this cancer situation, which I did verify as true.  So here we go:

Her exH had a cancer scare about 7 years ago, while married to him; apparently that situation got under control years ago; I believe it had to do with his thryoid.

Well, indeed, it is back.  I have now seen the documents which show this is indeed true (significantly, when GF brought this up (that his cancer was back) about a month ago, I expressed some doubt about that being true, but said I believed her, and she said she would show me the documents showing it was true and I said yes I would like to see them; well technically she never showed me them directly; after this fight of this past week Monday night about the vacation situation and then her not responding to me since my "Tuesday good morning/I love you text", I did "snoop" in her office drawer (we work together) which she knows I have looked in in the past and even laughed about me doing so, she put the papers obviously in there (planted them, of sorts) so I would see that INDEED, it is real, it is back.  I have seen and copied the medical reports so it IS true.

So, her ex H is very close to their 15 year old.  Her 15 year is very sensitive; while her 22 year old has no problem with me, her 15 year old has struggled to accept that her mother has moved on, and understandably has tremendous loyalty issues with her father, so even though I know her 15 year old I do not interact with her directly.  Which i do understand, in a sense; and have been pretty darn accomodating over that emotion of the 15 year old for over a year+.

So on this whole trip situation which is set for February 24, literally on Monday GF and I talked about it at noon and I explained that I was really in a "spot" with my 16 year old as I promised and broke the promise for an October 2017 trip and told the 16 year old that 100% for sure this February trip would be happening; which GF acknowledged Monday morning and even up to the early part of Monday night before she just flipped out:  Monday evening early:  "Honey you should just go [on the trip]!"  text followed by our little "we're a Couple" emoji sign, followed an hour later with "I would hope you would keep me in the loop" on the details that everything was locked in and it was a "go" for me, my 16 year old, and my 20 year old to go.  Which I confirmed, yes, it's a go they are all in, and of course please come if you can have things change.

Well I'm evidently dumped over this.  The flip out rage she said Monday night was how I should have just cancelled it all (despite her passive-aggressive comments saying to go literally the same evening) and gone a later time when she could go and that, in effect, I spoil my kids more than she does hers (HUGELY debatable and I would COMPLETELY disagree with that assessment of hers, but I will spare you all those details/that dynamic).  I sent the final text of the evening  last Monday night, no response, she just went to bed, evidently quite angry; as mentioned above, I texted her Tuesday morning "good morning I love you", our usual "thing" we do: Not A WORD since from her (nor me to her after that).

Though we have not spoke, my prediction of her thoughts are:

1. how could you (me) not just cancel that trip FOR HER
2. she may "need me" during this difficult time her 15 year old will be experiencing extreme emotions over her father apparently having to have surgery - i.e., I am "abandoning" her (even though of course I would be sitting in Disney texting GF all the time, which is what we largely do anyway while my daughters are off on rides and I am sitting there waiting for them to finish their rides)
3.  that she right now needs to "be there" for her 15 year old as her 15 year old is going to be extra-ordinarly upset (as of Monday, the medical news of her ex-H had not yet been shared by GF with her 15 year old, though I bet by now it has been (though I don't actually know)
4. GF likes to frame her world as dealing with like 1 stressful issue at a time; so it is basically a given that GF would be completely absorbed in this issue; which I actually do understand
5. she sort of pre-supposes that I am going to be a jerk about everything, but i actually am not obviously - the guy has cancer and this is a pretty bad assessment from the records I am reading - thyroid, now into the lymph nodes and lungs; surgery of some sort, then some treatmentin the aftermath
6. so GF is just presuming in a sense that I am going to cause her all kinds of stress during this period of time, and that she needs to focus ALL of her emotional support toward her 15 year old, so I'm "cut out" right now
7. MAYBE we can try and work things out after this trip of mine (again, I'll add: just 5 days, Saturday to Wednesday)

MIND YOU, everything I have said in paragraphs 1 through 6 above is SPECULATION on my part, but i would think knowing her I am pretty close in gauging things correctly or close to correctly of what her thought process is.

A little cutesy Christmas present exchange she and I had related to a calendar for her work area/cubicle; she talked about wanting a Puppy Dog calendar as something she would like, but then when we got things back on track and had this Disney trip for Us and my 2 kids and her oldest, a big big step, first vacation together, I gave her a cute 2018 Disney calendar which she loved; and hung; well I see now that the calendar has been taken down by her in its entirety.

So, kind of a lot of heavy duty stuff going on; my strategy is to just lay low, let her come to me if she so chooses, though I suspect she would RAGE at me if she does/lash out at me, and I will not specifically be unkind.  The "game" in the past over past break ups has been this sort of silly return of personal property items; she may think I am going to return some of her things I have in my house - I'm not; I somewhat am on guard that I may be getting things back from her, though nothing yet.  I'm expecting a contact from her at some point for her meatloaf dish and possibly some other dishes, etc... .i have of hers at my house, but no such request yet, but I'm emotionally kind of high alert.

So I guess I will just ride this out; I do love her and I'm not willing at this moment to just give up on everything as I imagine that, yes, indeed, her plate is full with this situation.  But, I'm not "in the loop" as to exactly what is going on; who the hell knows - she may completely reconcile with her ex-H over this entire development as I'm sure she feels some if not a lot of sorrow for him over this situation.

So this is not good.

[Skip]

One question. Why do you post on Tolerating instead of Rebuilding? I'm not challenging the decision, just asking why.

Rebuilding is about looking at our role and about learning tools. I think it would benefit you greatly to look at your role. There are things you do and attitudes that are not going to work.

Tolerating is mostly people who don't want to invest anymore in the relationship or have given up hope that things can get better... .they are tolerating their relationship, detaching, etc.

[MarkDavid]

One question. Why do you post on Tolerating instead of Rebuilding? I'm not challenging the decision, just asking why.

Rebuilding is about looking at our role and about learning tools. I think it would benefit you greatly to look at your role. There are things you do and attitudes that are not going to work.

Tolerating is mostly people who don't want to invest anymore in the relationship or have given up hope that things can get better... .they are tolerating their relationship, detaching, etc.

I didn’t really give a lot of thought at this moment to which would be the right board. I will check out the other board

[MarkDavid]

One question. Why do you post on Tolerating instead of Rebuilding? I'm not challenging the decision, just asking why.

Rebuilding is about looking at our role and about learning tools. I think it would benefit you greatly to look at your role. There are things you do and attitudes that are not going to work.

Tolerating is mostly people who don't want to invest anymore in the relationship or have given up hope that things can get better... .they are tolerating their relationship, detaching, etc.

“There are things you do and attitudes that are not going to work.”  What do you mean?

[Skip]

“There are things you do and attitudes that are not going to work.”  What do you mean?

Earnestly wanting to uncover it is a long discussion(s) with members on the Rebuilding board... .its not a random paragraph. 

Look at the boards. Choose the path that you want to be on.

 

[formflier]

I feel the need in order to get better feedback from all of you to give a much better explanation of what is going on.  

What specifically, in the detail you provided, do you think helps us to give better feedback?

I ask not to confuse the issue of which board we might suggest you go to, instead I think your answers would help me nudge you one way or another.

FF

[MarkDavid]

What specifically, in the detail you provided, do you think helps us to give better feedback?

I ask not to confuse the issue of which board we might suggest you go to, instead I think your answers would help me nudge you one way or another.

FF

Oh by that sentence I was simply referring to the cancer situation. That part of “my story” took a little time to type out, and my point is that the cancer situation is what really is the primary reason this vacation situation was part of the story. In other words, the real (short term) issue is that GF is basically saying that I made the wrong choice by not putting her POTENTIAL need for me to “be there” come Feb 24 to Feb 28 ahead of her need to “be there” for her 15 year old daughter, and consequently to “be there” IN PERSON for GF. If that explanation makes sense.  Any way, since I made this “choice” to jet off for Disney sun and fun with my 2 kids, I’m DONE; cast aside; wrong choice by me; as I’ve heard it before when I step wrong, “nobody who actually loves me would hurt me like this”.  Again, she has not actually articulated that to me as it remains Silent Treatment since this past Monday night , but that is what she is saying: her “problem” supersedes my problem with my kids, so I should have made a better choice, otherwise I get THIS; she’s really in part a pretty vicious woman.  Sweet as humanly possible at times; but any perception by her of dissatisfaction, the claws come out; and I am getting slashed up pretty good over this one.

[formflier]

  Again, she has not actually articulated that to me as it remains Silent Treatment since this past Monday night

So... .if she hasn't articulated this to you, how did you arrive at your conclusions?

FF

[MarkDavid]

So... .if she hasn't articulated this to you, how did you arrive at your conclusions?

FF

Through her track record. This is about the CANCER of her ex H, not this 5 day trip with my kids.  She’s cutting me out so that she can deal with this cancer situation exactly as she desires “for her kids”, and she doesn’t want to have to answer to me about anything as to how she chooses to handle it.

[formflier]

  She’s cutting me out so that she can deal with this cancer situation exactly as she desires “for her kids”, and she doesn’t want to have to answer to me about anything as to how she chooses to handle it.

If she didn't "cut you out", how would that limit her ability to deal with the cancer situation?

What specifically is the link there?

FF

[MarkDavid]

If she didn't "cut you out", how would that limit her ability to deal with the cancer situation?

What specifically is the link there?

FF

You may not recall from back in November when I explained her post divorce residential situation: she still co-owns that house with him. He moved out and was living in some apartment; she lives there in the house with the 15 year old. He is going to have surgery and he is going to need to recover- is that going to be in his little apartment or in that house? It will be in that house. And I said many a time that if they are “shacked up”, she and I are no longer dating. Also recall that she was going to move in with me and he was going to move back in that house, pre this whole medical situation, with the 15 year old staying with him - that was “ her Plan”. The 15 year old was not going to come live with me and her. Now this medical situation happens, and I’m pretty quickly cut out.  I’m willing to bet that when logistics of the surgery started being discussed she said fine he can recover at the house, and she just pre-emptively broke up with me; this isn’t about me going on some silly little vacation; this is about how she is choosing to be there for the father of her children during his time of need for the sake of the children, not necessarily her Ex, though she is not choosing to have the guy with cancer just be out on the street.

It’s a loyalty issue; she picked her kids, who don’t want her to be “mean” to their Dad.  That’s what is going on here.

[MarkDavid]

You may not recall from back in November when I explained her post divorce residential situation: she still co-owns that house with him. He moved out and was living in some apartment; she lives there in the house with the 15 year old. He is going to have surgery and he is going to need to recover- is that going to be in his little apartment or in that house? It will be in that house. And I said many a time that if they are “shacked up”, she and I are no longer dating. Also recall that she was going to move in with me and he was going to move back in that house, pre this whole medical situation, with the 15 year old staying with him - that was “ her Plan”. The 15 year old was not going to come live with me and her. Now this medical situation happens, and I’m pretty quickly cut out.  I’m willing to bet that when logistics of the surgery started being discussed she said fine he can recover at the house, and she just pre-emptively broke up with me; this isn’t about me going on some silly little vacation; this is about how she is choosing to be there for the father of her children during his time of need for the sake of the children, not necessarily her Ex, though she is not choosing to have the guy with cancer just be out on the street.

It’s a loyalty issue; she picked her kids, who don’t want her to be “mean” to their Dad.  That’s what is going on here.

In other words, to over simplify it, she is going to take on a caregiver role, to some degree, of her ex H; out of duty to her kids.

So maybe this isn’t even a BPD “issue”; this may be something that is just a medical/moral dilemma issue, and I “the new boyfriend” am on the outside looking in on this new development.  More like: I’m kicked out.

[formflier]

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

So... .what roles are each of you playing?

FF

[MarkDavid]

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

So... .what roles are each of you playing?

FF

I will read that and give you an answer (perhaps) later. I did get her a card and put in on her work desk saying that words are not the best right now, I assume she needs some space and that I am here for her if she wants and I care about her. And then I handwrote that I loved her and always will, no matter what.

Not sure if that is the wisest strategy, but that is what I did. If she walks away from me over this present situation, then at least I know I said my peace.

[MarkDavid]

I will read that and give you an answer (perhaps) later. I did get her a card and put in on her work desk saying that words are not the best right now, I assume she needs some space and that I am here for her if she wants and I care about her. And then I handwrote that I loved her and always will, no matter what.

Not sure if that is the wisest strategy, but that is what I did. If she walks away from me over this present situation, then at least I know I said my peace.

I am the Rescuer

She is the victim

[formflier]

Solid analysis!   
 
Who is the persecutor?

Have those roles switched around?

What is the solution for relationships that are on the drama triangle?

FF

[MarkDavid]

Solid analysis!   
 
Who is the persecutor?

Have those roles switched around?

What is the solution for relationships that are on the drama triangle?

FF

We both can be

Yes at times both have.

I fear dissolution; which is not what I want, but I can’t control her feelings toward and about me.

[formflier]

Who else is on the triangle?

[MarkDavid]

Who else is on the triangle?

Her ex H?

[formflier]

So... .rather than focusing on which board you post on or other big "direction of life" questions for the next month or so, I would suggest learning more about drama and the drama triangle.

Specifically... .reflect on "arguments" in your life and see if the drama triangle "fits".  The first part of this is for you to learn how to spot "potential" dysfunctional use of the drama triangle and/or drama in our life.

Then, most importantly, start looking at the ways you relate to others and when you see a "potential" invitation to chase someone around the drama triangle, that you develop the skill to "stay off the triangle".

That's different that being silent (although sometimes that can be a good choice). 

For instance, "snooping" in a drawer and finding records that your pwBPD purposefully left there for you (IMO) is participating in the drama. 

1.  Perhaps she is just sloppy and doesn't have security... or perhaps she did "invite" you to persecute her.
2.  If she had caught you she would have played the victim, you would have "persecuted" her by forcefully explaining to her why you "had to" do that because she was x, y and z.  She would have told others how horrid you were... .even in her time of emotional turmoil over cancer... .(see the invitation to others to rescue her from you).
3.  That would have led a rescuer to "persecute" you and you jump to victim... .because "all you wanted" was a nice vacation and you have a million details to explain to people that prove there was nothing else going and now this person and cancer are victimizing your life... .we were so close to everlasting happiness... almost... .if not for... .

The emotional exhaustion from all that is overwhelming, even if only half of it is accurate.

Staying out of drama will help your emotions stay more centered, even when other people spin out of control.

What do you think?

FF

[MarkDavid]

So... .rather than focusing on which board you post on or other big "direction of life" questions for the next month or so, I would suggest learning more about drama and the drama triangle.

Specifically... .reflect on "arguments" in your life and see if the drama triangle "fits".  The first part of this is for you to learn how to spot "potential" dysfunctional use of the drama triangle and/or drama in our life.

Then, most importantly, start looking at the ways you relate to others and when you see a "potential" invitation to chase someone around the drama triangle, that you develop the skill to "stay off the triangle".

That's different that being silent (although sometimes that can be a good choice). 

For instance, "snooping" in a drawer and finding records that your pwBPD purposefully left there for you (IMO) is participating in the drama. 

1.  Perhaps she is just sloppy and doesn't have security... or perhaps she did "invite" you to persecute her.
2.  If she had caught you she would have played the victim, you would have "persecuted" her by forcefully explaining to her why you "had to" do that because she was x, y and z.  She would have told others how horrid you were... .even in her time of emotional turmoil over cancer... .(see the invitation to others to rescue her from you).
3.  That would have led a rescuer to "persecute" you and you jump to victim... .because "all you wanted" was a nice vacation and you have a million details to explain to people that prove there was nothing else going and now this person and cancer are victimizing your life... .we were so close to everlasting happiness... almost... .if not for... .

The emotional exhaustion from all that is overwhelming, even if only half of it is accurate.

Staying out of drama will help your emotions stay more centered, even when other people spin out of control.

What do you think?

FF

Well after reading what you wrote above, I was going to respond; but I had a little practical development happen that really makes me unable to do so at the moment:

Beneath my desk at work was a box with a note in it.  Inside the box were:

1. the Disney calendar that I made reference to above that I gave her for Christmas; and
2. a ceramic dog that I gave her for Christmas (a symbol of the dog we would be buying when we moved in together as we talked about getting a real dog)
3. and a note, which read:

"These two [the calendar and the ceramic dog] I am having a hard time getting rid of.  I figure it will be easier for you to dispose of the statue and I'm sure [you're daughters] would love to have the calendar.  Anything you have that you do not want [meaning gifts that she gave to me], please dispose of.  I do not want to see anything [i.e, do not return gifts she gave me to her [i wasn't going to, nor will i].  Please don't cause me any more pain in that regard.   I would like my movie gift card back though if possible.  Please just put it on my keyboard when I am not around.  Thank you."

(The movie gift card was given to her and partially used and I was just holding it.)

Well I did not just return the movie gift card when she asked; I took it over to her work area. I held it out, did not say a word, she said "oh, thank you" and reached out for it; I pulled it back and made her look me in my eyes.   I held it out and pulled it back again.  She said I will talk to you later.  I gave her the gift card and walked away to my work area.

I really don't know how one could avoid "drama" over this situation at the moment.  Obviously, I'm not in a place yet to step back and really process what has happened with any degree of perspective.

[formflier]

Just because somebody asks for something... .doesn't mean you have to do it.

You knew she didn't want to talk... .yet forced her.

Avoiding drama would be waiting to talk until she is ready.

Thoughts?

FF

[MarkDavid]

Just because somebody asks for something... .doesn't mean you have to do it.

You knew she didn't want to talk... .yet forced her.

Avoiding drama would be waiting to talk until she is ready.

Thoughts?

FF

With all due respect, I do not believe I forced her to talk; also, with all due respect, I needed to do something to have us communicate at all, otherwise indeed there would have been silence for a month and I don't think that would be good for anybody.  I gave her a nice card; plain and simple; I was not asking for any response - in fact, she did not reply to my card; and returning her movie card per her request was not forcing her to talk.  I did not say a word, nor did I ask her to talk to me; I handed her the movie card and walked away; SHE DECLARED "we'll talk later"; I didn't ask her to talk.  All I did was make her look me in the eye if this was a permanent "goodbye" over this "Florida trip", for my own sanity - I don't regret that.

She sent me a lengthy email this afternoon, which in part points to the "abandonment" issue and not "being there for her" over this Florida trip , which to my confidante in real life who now knows all that you know believes this is complete insanity on her part, particularly after twice last Monday saying "go".  (She said looking at those 2 gifts (calendar and ceramic dog) she returned to me in that box made her want to "throw up", by the by.)

Yes, I'm in a relationship, of sorts; and there is drama; I expect some drama in a relationship; a "manageable" amount of drama. I could have zero drama and be completely single; I prefer not to explore that route unless absolutely necessary.  And it appears we are approaching "Absolutely Necessary" Land; time after time after time after time things blow up to this degree when everything is seemingly fine. 

With that all said, she re-affirmed to me via these communications today her feelings about this trip, which have no basis in actual reality or fairness for about 100 logical reasons; short term, I do feel better that she actually thinks the way she does about this and the absolute complete double-standard which has been an issue for years, and this trip relates directly to something as to my children this time.  I'm sorry but that is how I feel at this moment.  Yes, there is a Drama Triangle that exists; yes, I am part of it at the moment; yes, I may somehow "contribute" to that by existing and communicating with her at all, which is part of maintaining a relationship (speaking); that said, I'm sorry she feels the way she does.

(and I'll add this is all a ruse as to this trip as it is all a push-me-away manuever as a moral justification for her having her ailing ex H in that house she lives in).