I need to get myself out my bad mood in order to effectively handle his mood

[Tattered Heart]

H is in a mood. I've been watching it creep in over the last couple days. We've had a very busy week so we have not been connecting or even having time together like usual.

I noticed the mood come over him last night. He was quiet but tense. Felt like he was being bossy.

He has started waking me up at night when he gets up to go to the bathroom. It's not much, but he just asks me a question, like "what time is it?" which is enough to disturb my sleep. I'm not sure but its starting to seem a little bit like a control technique or a punishment because I'm asleep and he isn't.

This morning he snapped at me about something I said and then told me that I was just acting like a "meme". A little later he made a big huge exaggerated response by covering his nose and scolded me for a bodily function. It was then that I realized he was baiting me. He didn't get the response he wanted so he began to rant about the news. He started throwing out accusation about how I would just go along with society and get a self driving car.

When I left for work he says "Oh. I guess we aren't leaving at the same time." I said, "Would you like to leave at the same time?" He just responded with something about not being ready. We never leave work at the same time--well, last week for 2 days we did because he followed me halfway to work when the roads were bad. So apparently that's supposed to be a thing now.

I'm frustrated with him but I'm more frustrated with me. My moods are still contingent on him. No matter how much progress it seems like we make, his crappy day turns my day crappy. I'm still letting him control my emotions. I think if he were outright dysregulating about one particular thing I could deal with it but these sneaky jabs are the ones that really pull me down. It's what causes me to walk on egg shells and forget all of the tools because there's no main issue for me to focus in on.

We have dinner with my mom and then a funeral visitation tonight. I'm anxious that both of these will further add to his mood. In-laws and death--because pwBPD handle both of those so well.  

I have got to get myself out my bad mood in order to effectively handle his mood. I'm just not sure how to do it.

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[isilme]

No matter how much progress it seems like we make, his crappy day turns my day crappy.

I think this is true for most people in a relationship, though.  BPD just makes the lows lower and more dramatic.

If someone is stomping around being fussy, it's irritating, no matter what your own mood is.  I have to admit that I get upset with H for being upset at times because he's disrupting MY calm.  But how calm can I really be if someone is tromping around the house?  Even if I am not involved in the issue causing the tromping and am keeping to myself?  I know I am sensitive to noises, it's part of my PTSD and certain sounds were a warning sign when I was a kid to be ready and alert. 

Yes, it can be like watching a rain cloud gather, but not being sure if/when the storm will drop - you know how to deal with the storm and have your boots and umbrella ready, but the icky, pre-rain humidity and oppressive atmosphere can be maddening. 

It's okay I think to be mildly cranky because a cranky person is trying to push your buttons.  I don't think that indicates anything that you are lacking as far as employing tools and boundaries.  As an analogy, if he has the flu, you might also feel sick - you live in the same house, there is going to be some normal cross over of experiences and emotions. 

Your own anxiety at the upcoming events is likely not helping YOUR mood.  I'm sorry you have a visitation to attend, I hope it was not someone terribly close.

[Tattered Heart]

Thanks isilme,

Using your analogy the storm building is just my warning to be a little more prepared in my language, to make sure I am listening to him when he gets worked up, and to remember my boundaries if he get too angry.

The visitation is for someone I've only met once. A friend's dad died so we are going just to show support to the friend.

[Tattered Heart]

Dinner with my mom and her husband didn’t go so great. My H was ramped up and ranting about church for an hour before dinner. I gave him a Xanax and that calmed him a little but when we got to the restaurant he was hoping to order off the menu and it was only a seafood buffet. He hates seafood.

So he announced that he isn’t going to eat. Then he decides to only get the salad bar but the salad bar was low on everything and they weren’t getting it restocked fast enough... So he grumbled and complained.

By the end of dinner everyone had taken on his cranky mood. No one really said anything, conversation was stifled. My mom started complaining about the food, which I’ve never seen her do. My stepdad was starting to get irritable.

I’m torn. Should I apologize to my mom about my H being so grouchy at dinner? I know it’s not my fault but it’s one of those situations where I feel like his behavior is reflected on me. I am so uncomfortable when social norms are broken.

[waitingwife]

Hi TH,
I’m going through a similar episode right now. H is ramping up... .I can feel the very subtle tension building and I’m getting shorter responses for any questions I ask. In a situation like yours, my T suggested me to talk with H before going out and say this to him: How are you feeling? “I FEEL like there’s some tension between us. I’d love for you to come with me to spend the evening with my brother’s family however if you feel like we can’t sort through this tension, I’m completely okay with you staying back home. What would make you most comfortable & happy?
She said there’s a chance that he’ll dysregulats but that’s on him. I go through experiences where I’ve committed to a friend/family and then end up wondering what they’re thinking of me.

[DaddyBear77]

TH, this is a really good post. I feel like I'm picking up on what looked like "The Dance" - does this sound familiar?


Your H starts to feel an uncomfortable emotion... .

"I noticed the mood come over him last night"

He's not exactly sure what to do about it, but he knows in the past you've been able to help him deal with his emotions... .

"He has started waking me up at night"
"he just asks me a question, like "what time is it?""

You're not getting it. H feels something. He needs to get it out. There needs to be a fight, and you're not playing along, so... .

" he made a big huge exaggerated response by covering his nose "
" he says "Oh. I guess we aren't leaving at the same time.""

And then, finally, you bite... .

"I said, "Would you like to leave at the same time?""

Ahhh, good, you took the bait, he says, but for now he's decided to play it cool... .

"He just responded with something about not being ready"

Now, intuitively, you start to realize this is the dance but it's playing out more slowly than maybe it has in the past:

"I think if he were outright dysregulating about one particular thing I could deal with it"

The full blown dysregulation is quick, to the point, and gets the emotions settled quickly. But you've been doing a lot of work and you're not as quick to jump into that boat. He senses the change, so he's got to up his game to get the fight he's looking for.

So he goes for broke, in a situation he knows will get maximum response and max impact:

"My H was ramped up and ranting"
"he announced that he isn’t going to eat"
"So he grumbled and complained. "

You're horrified... .

"I am so uncomfortable when social norms are broken."

And he likely knew you'd be paying more attention and that this was a button of yours. It could also have been that the upcoming dinner was the thing that started this emotional difficulty for him in the first place.

The only thing I wanted to point out, though, was I thought I saw a dance here and so I wanted to ask if this resonated with you?