Final straw -- I'm done: Part 2

[prof]

uBPDw's therapist called me a little while ago and asked for some details about the events leading up to the overdose, so I filled him in.

He also asked whether uBPDw would be coming home afterwards.  I told him that I didn't think that would be a good idea.  So I imagine uBPDw will know something is up if she doesn't already.

She actually called me during the conversation with her therapist and left a voicemail.  It turns out they have unlimited phone access, provided they don't get too animated.  I don't like this at all... .

[GaGrl]

If it appears that your wife, her family, and wife's T all sound as if they think she should be coming home, and you know that is not the best solution, that OK becomes more critical to get in place on Monday.

[Radcliff]

prof, your wife has "unlimited" phone access to her T, did I understand that right?  Why does this concern you?

WW

[formflier]

So... .did the order get signed?

I'm assuming (please clarify) that your texts to the family were about divorcing... the d word was used?

What did you ask Dad to do?  Did you offer to pay expenses to get her... wherever there is?

FF

[prof]

prof, your wife has "unlimited" phone access to her T, did I understand that right?  Why does this concern you?

No, it's unlimited access to the phone, period.  I don't want her constantly calling me!

So... .did the order get signed?

No news yet.  I'm assuming this means we got the judge who takes Fridays off.

I'm assuming (please clarify) that your texts to the family were about divorcing... the d word was used?

Yes, it was.

What did you ask Dad to do?  Did you offer to pay expenses to get her... wherever there is?

I asked him if he (or sister/stepmom -- I texted all 3 essentially the same thing) wanted to take over as the main contact person for the hospital.  And also if he would be interested in helping to make arrangements for her after her release.

I have not offered to pay anything.   I'm not opposed to the idea -- I just haven't brought it up to them.

[DaddyBear77]

A couple thoughts:

1. She can call. You’re under no obligation to answer. In fact, if she does a call-50-times-obsessive thing, there is probably someone watching that kind of behavior right?

2. Is there a way to check with the hospital to see who your wife is being discharged to? Will they release her on her own or do they require someone to accompany her? Is there a chance she’ll be discharged this weekend before the order is signed?

[prof]

uBPDw just called.  I answered, mostly hoping that she would get a chance to talk to S5.  He was more concerned about a video he was watching, though.  

Her family has apparently informed her that I'm filing for divorce.  She claimed that she's not going to fight it.  She's obviously been pumped full of psych meds, though, so we'll see... .

She also claimed that she's getting out tomorrow.  That would only be 48 hours, and I've been told that stays there are 72 hours minimum, and that is generally for patients who either came voluntarily or have a good support system coming out.  My L guessed it might be more like 10 days.

[prof]

1. She can call. You’re under no obligation to answer. In fact, if she does a call-50-times-obsessive thing, there is probably someone watching that kind of behavior right?

Yeah, these were my thoughts too.  I recognize the number now, and have let it ring once already.  I picked up a few minutes ago only to give her a chance to say hi to S5, which didn't go well.

2. Is there a way to check with the hospital to see who your wife is being discharged to? Will they release her on her own or do they require someone to accompany her? Is there a chance she’ll be discharged this weekend before the order is signed?

I asked essentially this of her T earlier this evening when he called.  As long as she doesn't take me off the list, then I should be able to get that information.

From my understanding, the absolute soonest she could get out would be 72 hours after she was admitted, which would be Sunday evening.  But my L thinks that's unlikely.

[formflier]

Is your wife's T aware that she is not welcome at home?  Is the psych hospital aware of that?

Do you have a way to contact your L over the weekend?


I'm guessing it will be longer than 72 hours... .but it is concerning that this is an issue of speculation.

FF

[prof]

Is your wife's T aware that she is not welcome at home?  Is the psych hospital aware of that?

Yes -- I told him this when we spoke earlier.  This is the T at the psych hospital.  She doesn't have a regular one currently.

Do you have a way to contact your L over the weekend?

Yes -- I've already sent him an email regarding her call.

I'm guessing it will be longer than 72 hours... .but it is concerning that this is an issue of speculation.

No kidding !

[empath]

When I was the primary outside support person for a family who had a member needing intensive psych services (not even attempted suicide), it was more like 10 days; there were a couple of weekends involved.

I wouldn't trust what she tells you at this point; they probably haven't told her much about what will happen because they don't know. They need to get her stabilized (or what they think is stable); psych meds take a while to really kick in.

[Radcliff]

prof, I hope you have a peaceful weekend. Any plans for fun with S5?

WW

[prof]

When I was the primary outside support person for a family who had a member needing intensive psych services (not even attempted suicide), it was more like 10 days; there were a couple of weekends involved.

I wouldn't trust what she tells you at this point; they probably haven't told her much about what will happen because they don't know. They need to get her stabilized (or what they think is stable); psych meds take a while to really kick in.

Yeah, I think you're right.

My mom was bipolar, and she was hospitalized a number of times after manic episodes.  They were usually ~2 weeks if I recall.

[prof]

prof, I hope you have a peaceful weekend. Any plans for fun with S5?

Thanks, WW!

Tomorrow morning, we'll be driving 14 cats halfway across the state, .  (Silver lining: 5 of them are our fosters, so our house will be that much calmer.)

We'll have to figure out something cool to do once we've done with that.

[Radcliff]

Tomorrow morning, we'll be driving 14 cats halfway across the state, .  (Silver lining: 5 of them are our fosters, so our house will be that much calmer.)

Excellent!  That should be a quiet ride.  Cats LOVE car trips 

[Harley Quinn]

Hi prof,

You have a 'free' day today that you can switch off a little from the intense situation that you find yourself in and focus on having a lovely time with your son.  Give yourself a little grace to get present with him and take some relaxation in having fun together.  This is a great opportunity to rest your mind and emotions a bit, as you're needing all of your strength to deal with so very much at the moment and renewal of your energy is very important.  We're all wishing you well and hoping for a good outcome to all of this.  You have a lot of people here rooting for you and sending positive energy your way.  Try to put red alert to one side for a few hours at least.  Today is safe.  Enjoy it.

Love and light x

[prof]

You have a 'free' day today that you can switch off a little from the intense situation that you find yourself in and focus on having a lovely time with your son.  Give yourself a little grace to get present with him and take some relaxation in having fun together.  This is a great opportunity to rest your mind and emotions a bit, as you're needing all of your strength to deal with so very much at the moment and renewal of your energy is very important.  We're all wishing you well and hoping for a good outcome to all of this.  You have a lot of people here rooting for you and sending positive energy your way.  Try to put red alert to one side for a few hours at least.  Today is safe.  Enjoy it.

The cat dropoff point was on the outskirts of our nearest big city.  We decided to drive to the train station and took the train in to a particular kid-oriented attraction I've been meaning to take S5 to for a while.  He had a blast!  (I did too!)


There was a little uBPDw-related drama.  She's been telling her family she's getting out tomorrow, and so they were contacting me (and she was calling me) about me either picking her up or getting her some stuff.

Tomorrow would only be 72 hours -- the absolute minimum stay.  As I think I mentioned above, my L says this is usually only for people who voluntarily checked themselves in or who have a loving support system to return to.  So I called her nurse, who clarified that a doctor's order needs to be given for a patient to be released.  When I asked if a doctor's order had been given for uBPDw yet, she actually laughed!

uBPDw's family have also contacted an old friend of uBPDw (actually the maid of honor at our wedding) to help figure things out.  The friend has been very pleasant with me.  (She's been through a divorce, and has actually put some distance in her relationship with uBPDw because of all the drama in the past few months.  So she's quite understanding of my situation.)

[formflier]

First of all... .solid work on having fun!   

So, it appears to be driven by her FOO... .but lots of extra people are getting tossed in here.

I would recommend asking the friend if she would coordinate a three way phone call with you, her and perhaps the Dad or whoever the family wants as their representative.

Certainly talk to the friend ahead of time.  If they want the friend to speak for them, then establish that in the three way call.

I get it it's not your job to fix wacky communications... .but in this case I think being proactive will help you.

Thoughts?

FF

[prof]

I would recommend asking the friend if she would coordinate a three way phone call with you, her and perhaps the Dad or whoever the family wants as their representative.

Certainly talk to the friend ahead of time.  If they want the friend to speak for them, then establish that in the three way call.

I get it it's not your job to fix wacky communications... .but in this case I think being proactive will help you.

uBPDw's sister called me this morning and got hostile because I wouldn't drive uBPDw's car to the hospital for her.  (I live an hour away -- how would I get home?)  When started swearing at me, I said goodbye and hung up.  She then sent a stream of angry texts.

So uBPDw's friend has agreed to be my main point of contact.  I don't particularly want to interact with the sister again any time soon.

uBPDw's stepmom (the one that lives one state away) has agreed to have her stay there for a few weeks.  I've agreed to give uBPDw some money and pack up her car for her.

She told everyone that she was getting out today, so I've been running around the house getting everything packed.  But I just got a call that now it's tomorrow... . uBPDw took me off the list at the hospital, so I can't confirm any of this with her nurses.  My L thinks it will be longer -- in his experience, this place doesn't do evaluations on a daily place.

[formflier]

packing and organization is good? 

Would it be possible to have all "her" stuff ready?

I'm assuming the order will be signed on Monday, it would still be nice for there to be no "reason" for her to come back to house.

FF

[formflier]

Is there Uber around there?  Or a really good friend that can help you get the car there.

It's not to appease the family, but more about solid boundaries.

FF

[Harley Quinn]

I would agree with formflier.  It would be good to ensure that you have put some clear distance between you for a time whilst you work things out around your safety and that of your son.  I'd imagine you don't want her to come and get the car and stuff herself.  Could your wife's friend go with you to drop off the car and belongings, then bring you back perhaps?  It would give you one less thing to be concerned about and show you are willing to facilitate her having all that she needs.

Love and light x 

[prof]

I may be able to get a colleague to help me with getting her car to the hospital on Tuesday if she's still there.  Tomorrow's just too crazy, as I have a T appointment an hour in pretty much the opposite direction from the hospital.

Just now, S5 spoke to uBPDw on the phone for the first time since this all happened.  Last night, he told me that he didn't want to, but he's come around.  So far, all he knows is that uBPDw is really sick and is in the hospital.  From what I can tell, he mostly just told her about the new Matchbox toy he bought this afternoon.

I haven't talked about the divorce with him yet.  This is definitely one of the topics I want to discuss with my T tomorrow.

uBPDw also admitted she did meth for two days before she came home last Monday.  (That was the night of the interrupted 911 call -- the "final straw" that started this thread.)

[Radcliff]

prof, hang in there. I have had my wife in for a 72 hour hold, and done a restraining order.  It is very difficult.  I have rushed around the house, packing things for her out of respect and wanting her to have what she needed.  You are doing all the right things.  Tomorrow sounds like a very busy day.  Once you get her stuff and her car to her, you should be able to start getting some distance and a break.  Her family may try to suck you into drama, but keep your boundaries and calmly enforce them.  You need some drama-free days ahead, to restore yourself, and give your son and job a little loving.

WW

[DaddyBear77]

prof, as Wentworth just said, her family and friends may continue to drive some of the same kinds of guilt inducing and manipulative behaviors you experienced from your uBPDw. The other week I made the mistake, during a 1 on 1 conversation with my mother in law, of hinting at “things changing” between my wife and I. My MIL immediately broke down in tears and begged me not to prevent her from seeing her granddaughter. The family’s feelings are real and they will have various ways of expressing them / dealing with them / trying to put them on you. Be strong in your knowledge that you’re making the best decision you can possibly make, no one has all the details you do, and distance and boundaries are key.

I’m really rooting for you prof - you’re doing really great work here.

[prof]

Thanks everyone for your support!

uBPDw now claims she is getting out tomorrow morning.  We'll see.  I've agreed to drop off her phone, car keys, and some clothes to the hospital this evening.

On the phone this morning, she suggested we try counseling again.  She claims that her behavior is due to her opiate prescriptions.  (This is completely false -- she behaved pretty much the same way a few years ago when she wasn't taking any.)  I told her that, no, I have made my decision.

The temporary custody order is supposed to go through today.

[formflier]

I certainly wouldn't want you to hold out false hope to her and I likely wouldn't want you to be in anything called "marriage counseling".

However, if she is willing to counsel, it is likely wise to take her up on the offer... .if for no other reason that to create accountability.

A family therapist saying that she should x,y, and z for the benefit of S5 and then looking at the record to see if she did x, y and z, will be a powerful thing as you move forward in legal proceedings.

I realize you have to be judicious with the time you spend on this, versus the time you spend on S5. 

Perhaps she starts with individual therapy and when that therapist is willing to put in writing that she is ready for accountability and family T, perhaps then you evaluate spending some time jointly discussing parenting.

FF

[DaddyBear77]

I’m not disagreeing with FF, but prof, I respect the way you said “I have made my decision.”

You are in a period of time where every member of this system, from your wife to the drug dealer, is going to put incredible pressure on you to NOT change the status quo.

Ignore them.

BUT, stay focused on yourself, and your own desires, your own best interests and those of your son.

That’s my suggestion. It’s what I’d try and do for myself at least if I was in the same situation.

[prof]

I'm very hesitant about the idea of doing any counseling with uBPDw in the future.  I'm all for LC co-parenting from here on out.

Somewhat ironically considering what I'm about to go through, my T had to cancel my appointment because he's appearing in court today.  They told me that they're going to try to reschedule for this week.

[formflier]

The point of counselling and the most likely outcome is "proof" for the courts.

If she becomes a better parent... .all the better.

FF