Dealing with impact of fantasy life

[Waveney]

Hi I am looking for advice or others’ experiences with their SO’s having a fantasy life. I live with my partner. Her family and close/long-term friends all know we are a couple and live together. I also support us financially. However with everyone else (work, school etc) she insists on saying she is single and lives alone and has a great job. She is a lesbian and is now pursuing online relationships with men (which she lies about to me) and telling new people that she is heterosexual.

I really struggle with this because when her real life (with me) and her fantasy life threaten to collide (for example if she wants to have someone over who she sexts online or even just knows through her volunteer work, or if I want us to go out somewhere where we might be seen by someone she is talking to online) it precipitates a crisis. I should mention that she also has very bad anxiety and rarely leaves our apartment so most of her socializing is done online or calling people.

Sometimes she even says to me that she is single, and I have to say “you’re not.” She usually looks confused and then says something like “oh yeah, I don’t know why I said that.”

Does anyone else have similar experiences? I find being completely erased from several versions of her life was hard but I could rationalize it when it was just happening online, but the spilling over into real life is a huge problem.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SlyQQ]

D I D and BPD are closely linked/ mixed up, the confusion points to former, BPD rarely bact track like that

[DaddyBear77]

Hi Waveney, welcome 

Although I haven't had personal experience with what you're describing, I can only imagine it must be extremely difficult to have your relationship invalidated and ignored like that. It's got to be painful and it's must leave you guessing so much of the time. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

My degree is not in psychology, nor would I presume to make a diagnosis, but this kind of fantasy / delusional thinking may be a disorder all on it's own. Has your partner ever sought treatment from a professional (therapist, counselor, etc)? Even though this may not be typical BPD / NPD behavior, we often see co occurring disorders so as SlyQQ pointed out, this could be something in addition to BPD.

On the BPD side, Identity Disturbances (unstable sense of self) and Impulsivity both also seem to be at play here.

Have you ever discussed with her how much this upsets you? If so, what does she say? Is she fully aware of this seemingly "dual life" she lives?

[Calmcollected]

A lot of what you said sounds like what I’ve been going through except for the amnesia. I’ve just had my mind blown by the realization of what it could be.

[Perdita]

My bf also has this bizarre fantasy life and does whatever he has to in order to keep it from  colliding with reality. He has this whole set of friends that believe that he is miserable with me, suffering every day as he deals with my mental illness (that's right, I am insane. Discovered this revelation when I was snooping recently.) He has to tell them I am crazy in order to get them to conspire with him so that he can indulge in his other life and two crushes. 


Currently he tells his family that he is happy with me whereas before he also had them thinking I am insane. I sense some of them still distrust my new found sanity... .

There are several layers to his fantasy life.  I have often wondered which he enjoys most, his actual fantasy life or the lies he tells to cover it up.
 The whole thing is so complex. I am still trying to make sense of it myself. 

[pearlsw]

Hi Waveney,

Do you have any idea why she presents herself as heterosexual in her fantasy life? Is she conflicted about her sexuality? Perhaps bi? She transferring her fantasy life into regular life you say? Is she facing any negative consequences over this yet?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Calmcollected]

My BPDbfHe would tell everyone he was single. Told his kids we weren’t in a relationship even though they call me his girlfriend. Our employees, friends, suppliers we work with all think the same. He would also tell them I was his book keeper. He would talk to women on messenger that he knew etc. A year and a half ago we broke up and he went on POF. He would spin stories to them of having a big house, successful business (only because I ran it) and would tell them he was going to buy a farm, they would be together and they could quit their jobs. He would rarely meet them in person. I was stalked by two of them that said we weren’t together and he didn’t want to be with me anymore. I’d confront him and they were crazy etc. It stopped for a year, but last week his son asssulted me, there was s huge fight and I think it pushed him over the edge and he had to escape to his fantasy land. After 1 year of being off of POF he went on and last Tuesday started talking to a woman, this Tuesday she puts down they are in a relationship. I confront him, I contact her. He tells me she did it by accident and to get on my meds. Yesterday the woman messaged me and says he’s all yours, he has a weird idea of what dating is. He had told her to block me as I would harass her. I was his bookkeeper, but not for much longer as I had told him get off POF and go for counselling or that was it. They had never met. I contacted his ex girlfriend who lived with him, same thing. He tells people she’s a friend who he is helping through her divorce and is messaging women with this fantasy land. He was severely abused and beaten by his father. They lived on a farm with horses. All his fantasies revolve around having that. I think the horses were soothing to him and an escape. He’s amazing with animals.

[pearlsw]

Hi Loismay,

Thank you for sharing this information - it provides some very interesting insights!

sincerely, pearl.

[Waveney]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I am sorry Loismay for what you are going through.

My pwBPD will not see a professional or try DBT or any anything since she believes she is too smart for that. She does take meds and has been talking recently about not knowing who she is and having a very bad memory as if these are new feelings. So she may well have another disorder. I don’t know if she even knows she has a dual life. I think she might just think it’s real when she’s online.

In terms of pretending to be heterosexual I think it is complicated. She cannot function without a lot of external approval and she seeks it sexually. She sexts a whole bunch of people all the time. Usually this stays online and her mom tells me she has always done it. But she has gone through the lesbian community here so I think is now turning to men because it is easy to get them to sext her. She also has a lot of internalized homophobia and blames her Dad abandoning her on being gay. She says her career (this is part of the fantasy—she can barely function and lies on the sofa all day most days) will be damaged if she is out because men will sexualize her (the same men she sexts unbidden!).

I have not had any success trying to talk to her about any of this. She lies about what she’s doing, accuses me of trying to stop her from from having a life and then breaks up with me. The next day she carries on as if nothing has happened.

The pretending to be single is a huge problem. Tonight she went out saying she never wants to go out with me. It’s our anniversary next week. I had been making a plan for us to do something fun and different but now I expect she will refuse to go out or will insist her brother comes with us. It is so hard.