Dissociation and Honesty

[lighthouse9]

Hi good people,

Rough times. uBPD wife (who is separating) is really struggling with dissociation right now and it's making it really hard for me to do the things I know I need to do to get myself in a place to move out eventually, like donating and throwing things away. I had a weak moment and texted her about it and made the mistake of saying "this was real once right? We were happy?" I knew better as soon as I sent it, but going through all of our stuff has been really hard. She's at a conference, and we've set up a time to talk in a few hours, but I've been so good about trying to not trigger her and trying to be a supportive partner in all of this, even though she had an affair, got an apartment on her own without consulting me first, and really just wrecked our life in a short amount of time. I've been able to recognize her behavior for what it is and mostly been able to be supportive with good boundaries. I lost it today though (having her out of sight has been really hard - we were really starting to built up some good trust and communication) and then when going through things did what normal people feel when going through a break up - I felt total remorse and sadness for what once was and now isn't going to be.

Add on the BPD though, and I'm just bewildered. It's like I've been flashing back to so many moments in our marriage together and wondering "was she really there, or was that just her mirroring me?" I know that's too simple of a way to look at her and our relationship, but she's really been able to articulate lately how much she doesn't know the difference between doing something for herself that she desires and doing something for me because I desire it and it feels good to do something for me. The trouble is, we've built up a life that I'm now learning are mostly my desires, and the pressure built up for her and so she's burning it all down.

When I texted her, she was very honest, but it's even more heartbreaking. She said "I'm really struggling with reality and dissociation right now, so this might not be the best time to ask me something like that." I was both proud of her and then felt awful. She's really dealing with this. It's not just something I've found on the internet to explain the unexplainable. Have you folks ever felt that way? I know it fits and I know all the things are there to make this something I can't ignore, but there was a piece of me that was maybe hoping that I was the one who is kidding herself and that maybe calling this BPD was just my way of coping.

Double edge sword right? Understanding her behavior in the framework of BPD has been so helpful and has allowed me to communicate with her better - and she's even been able to regulate herself a little better with an understanding of it. Our conversations are the best they've ever been, no matter how hard. But, it also means that everything I suspected is almost completely true: she's struggling so much and this is so much bigger than anything I can solve or fix. I think I'm just coming down from the immediate crisis and this is the aftermath. I tend to be a firefighter type when it comes to crises - I can run into something dangerous and find my way out safely, usually being helpful in the process and I'm able to put the fire out. Afterwards though, I tend to get hit with the emotions of "holy crap, you just ran into a fire" and spend some time licking my wounds. This is my work - and I'm definitely talking to professionals about it, but yeah - here I am licking my wounds.

It's breaking my heart to hear her say things like "Nothing feels real and it's awful" and using words like "dissociation" (she patently hates "therapy talk". Last night she was even able to end a phone call with me when it felt triggering for her, and articulated "I have to go now, because I really just want to go get drunk and do destructive things and it would be too easy to do that right now and it's not what I want." Progress right? But I think I'm realizing how much progress means that I have to leave, I have to leave her be to do her work, and that I have to live with my fear of what happens if she doesn't and I'm not here to save her. I also have to be ok with the uncertainty that whether she does the work or not, she may never be coming back. Even if she gets better, I may not be who a better version of her wants. That one hits hard.

Million dollar question (because of course I can't stop myself from asking it right now) - have any of you ever left in the short term and been able to find a life together in the long term? I'm probably nuts to hope - but it's where I'm at, for better or for worse. Thank you for not judging

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[juju2]

this is where i am at, after 10 yr relationship, we lived together for 9.

it seems to me that i never knew him, who he really was.   We separated in march, i thought to get healthy, give our relationship a chance, we had become toxic.

During 2017, we spent time together taking trips, he went w me for 10 days to my brothers funeral half way across the country.  we had different experiences, we were able to take his daughter's family on a much needed vacation, my pwBPD got to be w his grandkids on vacation, something he never got to do.

fast forward to october, he tells me he is dating other women.  He says that is what he told me he would do when we stopped living together... .

its so hard.

now, we are in couples counseling, he says he wants to be friends only.  so, because i want to have hope, i agree.  Everything begins w being friends.This is so difficult, i miss him.

Our Therapist is really great.  So i am in a holding pattern, working on myself, lost 50 lbs, am exercising every day, he is seeing the changes.

This board and this community has helped me get thru all the hard times.

Hang in there.  You are in the right place.

j

[lighthouse9]

Hey J,

I read your post last night and it really brought me strength - thanks for telling me your story and for saying that I'm in the right place.

It's really amazing to hear that you've been able to work on yourself while in the holding pattern. I've been seeing this for me, too. I started a coaching program and it's been a total lifeline back to myself.

She spent some time this weekend reading about BPD and made herself sick thinking about it, then told me that that's what lead to the dissociation. Totally explains how she started using "therapy talk." She came home tonight and we had "the talk" about our future (even though every night feels like a talk about our future). Through my coaching program, I was able to identify that yes, I want this to work, yes, I am capable and strong enough and have eyes wide open about what it would look like for it to work (and what our lives would be like long term), and yes, I'm willing to do my work and learn to be a little less attached to whether or not she does hers. Either way, I emerge as a person who has done my work, and I feel more confident in my ability to navigate this (and trust me, it's been a littttle bit nuts - though I say that with love).

Thus, I presented her with my case tonight and stood my ground. I'm going to move home with my family when she moves out. I'm going to give us some physical distance (about 6 hours drive) and I'm going to do my work there. I want her to do hers but can't make her do it and know she has to want it for herself. She says she wants it for herself and is going to call tomorrow about setting up an appointment with a DBT place nearby. I told her that I love her, that I can see a future and that my hope in no way invalidates what she's feeling. I get it, she has nothing for me right now. I get it, she is afraid of mirroring my expectations instead of finding what she wants for herself. And, I get it, I need to get out of dodge (As hard as that's going to be), so I'm not here for her to depend on instead of doing her work. She'll either do the work or find a new attachment. Me being here and looking over her shoulder won't change that, but it will destroy me and make me sick.

She told me over and over to run and that she's going to hurt me and I just calmly smiled and said "let me decide what you're capable of doing to me." Then she said she wanted to file for divorce immediately and I said "nothing is stopping you." Then after she wound down a bit I said "hey, alternative scenario - try counseling for a month. Then decide if you want to file or not. I won't fight you. But maybe trust my judgment a little bit right now. I could be wrong, and I'm willing to be wrong, but go to counseling and tell your therapist everything you are telling me. She might tell you to file, too! But go to counseling first. Then decide. I won't stop you from moving out. I won't slow down my own move out. I'm still going to go."

I'm probably going to be where you are in a week or two, when she moves out, and there again when I move out. I miss her already, but having contact with her does ease the pain a bit. Walking away is going to be the hardest thing I ever do, but I know it is the right thing.

My coach has been encouraging me to envision my life and to bring my dreams and imagination back on line. I've been able to do that, bring some of my hobbies back, and really see my value again. I told him this morning that I'm so ready to move home and cultivate my life, and that I will invite her into it again one day, if she's done the work, I'll be ready to build with her again. This time though, I'm going to take more of a lead. I'll set clearer boundaries. Boundaries will have consequences. And I will never lose myself again. It felt really powerful to say some of this stuff tonight, as she was telling me to run and that she'll never be in a relationship again in her life. I was able to validate her feelings and say "and this is how I feel right now" from a place of calm and conviction.

Later, she brought home dinner for us, we enjoyed some TV like friends, and I went up to my room (we split the bedrooms up a bit ago) to wind down. She just came in to say goodnight and that she's calling the therapist in the morning, and she hugged me, said "I love you" (she doesn't say it much anymore on her own or without responding to me saying it), and kissed my shoulder before turning around abruptly and heading into her room.

Not going to read into it too far, and won't believe the therapy thing until I see it and see it consistently - but I can see already that the world looks very different when I define my own feelings, my values, and my terms, and stand confidently on all of them. A stronger me might just inspire a stronger her. Or not. But, no matter what happens, I know a stronger me is necessary.

How do you keep yourself strong J? What does your work on yourself look like?

Wishing you well and wishing you strength, and sending solidarity from afar,

-L