Strongly suspecting BPD and unsure what to do

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello, I have just joined in hopes of finding information and reassurance. I am sorry to start with a wall of text but I figure no point in dallying.

I have been in a close relationship with a friend (we'd been inching closer towards being intimate partners) for over a year. I have felt very connected to him because we are both artists, have much in common intellectually and in general I've found him delightful. However, I knew from the start that he was struggling with very a deep and constant sort of anhedonia which he was upfront about. He tends to be quite lonely and introverted but this was not a problem for me since I am also introverted and 'atypical' (I have Aspergers). I am no stranger to isolation.

However, I began observing patterns as the relationship would intensify: There was a pervasive, odd feeling of him abruptly pulling away after more open or intimate experiences (such as revealing bad experiences he's had or vulnerable feelings). I got this sense that the more supportive or complimentary towards him I would get, he would reach a point where it's like the positive feedback was *painful* to him and he would retreat in a shell.  Yet later he would begin opening up again and seeking more support and emotional closeness, often intense, only to have it build up until he'd 'crash' again. This pattern of extreme closeness/abrupt withdrawal, along with other signs prompted me to do research.

Upon finding some articles describing BPD- especially mild or 'quiet' BPD- I was stricken by how it described his behaviour perfectly (except for outbursts of rage/anger; he never gets angry, only retreats in self-isolation), down to having had suffered emotional neglect from his parents, notably making him feel intense shame.

Sadly, I've encountered also some very negative and downright hateful (in my opinion) descriptors of persons with BPD- particularly in males who were often described as manipulative, narcissistic and basically hopeless. This made me feel downright sick but I admit the signs were so spot-on that I couldn't help being also deeply unsettled. I have been in a very manipulative/abusive relation before (no idea what was the underlying reason in that case) so I can't help being a little terrified at the mere suggestion of being emotionally manipulated again.

That said, I care for my friend a great deal. I don't want to abandon him. He has never been aggressive and even though the push/pull effect is difficult, I want to have hope that we can maintain some sort of positive relationship (friendship or intimate, whichever happens). I really just want to hear from others dealing with that kind of emotional issue and learn what are healthy ways to handle and cope with it and not having it turn damaging for either of us. I want to seek a better understanding and not view him like he's 'scary' or dangerous all of the sudden.

P.S. I am very sincere with him but also delicate because he is very sensitive to feeling rejected/criticized and withdraws into sadness. He is acutely aware of many of his behaviours but doesn't frame is as BPD or any specific disorder himself, he just says he feels 'dysfunctional'. I'm trying to address those signs without outright telling him I think he might have this because obviously it's not a fun thing to tell someone  

Thank you in advance for reading this.

[Sekino]

Hello, I have just joined in hopes of finding information and reassurance. I am sorry to start with a wall of text but I figure no point in dallying.

I have been in a close relationship with a friend (we'd been inching closer towards being intimate partners) for over a year. I have felt very connected to him because we are both artists, have much in common intellectually and in general I've found him delightful. However, I knew from the start that he was struggling with very a deep and constant sort of anhedonia which he was upfront about. He tends to be quite lonely and introverted but this was not a problem for me since I am also introverted and 'atypical' (I have Aspergers). I am no stranger to isolation.

However, I began observing patterns as the relationship would intensify: There was a pervasive, odd feeling of him abruptly pulling away after more open or intimate experiences (such as revealing bad experiences he's had or vulnerable feelings). I got this sense that the more supportive or complimentary towards him I would get, he would reach a point where it's like the positive feedback was *painful* to him and he would retreat in a shell.  Yet later he would begin opening up again and seeking more support and emotional closeness, often intense, only to have it build up until he'd 'crash' again. This pattern of extreme closeness/abrupt withdrawal, along with other signs prompted me to do research.

Upon finding some articles describing BPD- especially mild or 'quiet' BPD- I was stricken by how it described his behaviour perfectly (except for outbursts of rage/anger; he never gets angry, only retreats in self-isolation), down to having had suffered emotional neglect from his parents, notably making him feel intense shame.

Sadly, I've encountered also some very negative and downright hateful (in my opinion) descriptors of persons with BPD- particularly in males who were often described as manipulative, narcissistic and basically hopeless. This made me feel downright sick but I admit the signs were so spot-on that I couldn't help being also deeply unsettled. I have been in a very manipulative/abusive relation before (no idea what was the underlying reason in that case) so I can't help being a little terrified at the mere suggestion of being emotionally manipulated again.

That said, I care for my friend a great deal. I don't want to abandon him. He has never been aggressive and even though the push/pull effect is difficult, I want to have hope that we can maintain some sort of positive relationship (friendship or intimate, whichever happens). I really just want to hear from others dealing with that kind of emotional issue and learn what are healthy ways to handle and cope with it and not having it turn damaging for either of us. I want to seek a better understanding and not view him like he's 'scary' or dangerous all of the sudden.

P.S. I am very sincere with him but also delicate because he is very sensitive to feeling rejected/criticized and withdraws into sadness. He is acutely aware of many of his behaviours but doesn't frame is as BPD or any specific disorder himself, he just says he feels 'dysfunctional'. I'm trying to address those signs without outright telling him I think he might have this because obviously it's not a fun thing to tell someone  

Thank you in advance for reading this.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Sekino,

It is really touching how careful you are at interacting with your friend. Yes, I understand how hard it is to talk over these issues with someone. The general advice is not to bring up the diagnosis as it can be very upsetting for someone with such traits, and really this would be upsetting for anyone. In that he recognizes something is "off"... .well, that could be a starting point to a conversation, but it does have its risks. In my case while my "h" and I sometimes talk about it, but in other instances it is not possible at all. He is back in forth in his understanding of his "issues".

Anyway, despite all you read I'd suggest you really need to go off the things you observe yourself in real life. No one's illness looks exactly the same, my "h" does not have all the symptoms and has some symptoms that are more profound than others. Trust what you are seeing and let that be your guide - and really it often be important in these situations to be very clear in what you are seeing and holding on to your version of reality around this stuff.

How are you responding now to the things you are experiencing? Do you feel ready to relearn and find a healthy way to respond to this?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[EdR]

Hi Sekino,


For what it's worth my gut feeling based on your story does not say 'BPD' either. Although it is a spectrum illness, I personally miss the shift or shifts from idealization to devaluation of others.

That does not mean I think you are wrong to seek support here. But like pearls said, I would go with your own observations and trust those.

Try to talk about those. Not from an illness POV, but like you are doing now from a 'I care a lot about you and notice somewhat odd behaviour' - POV.

Of course that's just my own 2 cents. ;-)