Feeling like my feet are nailed to the floor

[BeardBeast]

Hi,

I'm new. Thought about jumping into this pool for a few months now, but sat on the edge wondering how cold and deep the water would be. Well, here I am! I jumped!

I haven't browsed around yet, not familiar with terminology or lingo. However, I have read Stop Walking on Eggshells and I'm re-reading it currently. I'm posting an intro anyway! Apologies for length, fully unaware of intro posts which have come before mine.

I am pretty confident that my wife has BPD. Our ex-couples therapist, and now my own personal therapist, is confident that she is a BP. We have two children, 5 and 7, whom we homeschool.

When she and I first got together, it was magnificent, heavenly, so much fun. Then things fell apart and I insisted we get help. She was diagnosed with PTSD and treated for that and depression, after which we went back to heavenly and got married. It has been very hard for me since our 7 year old was born. Since then, everything has fallen apart, then fallen apart some more, then gotten worse and worser and worsest [sic]. Yes, of course, we went through some tough times, life throws curveballs, but that's life. Therapist has since concluded that wife has BPD. Of course, my wife was not around to receive this diagnosis, because wife decided that the therapist is her enemy and has since left therapy.

Now, here I am, miserable, lonely, mostly estranged from my family (not entirely my wife's responsibility, they made their own choices and so did I), with two kids, and all week I've been contemplating divorce. I don't know what else to do at this point. I know I can't convince and shouldn't try to coerce her to be serious about therapy, and she lives in denial that suffering through life represents a normal way to exist. Among other factors, she believes all her problems are external, they come from her upbringing, they come from me, they come from allergies, never herself. She projects this twisted logic onto others of course. The kids are misbehaving because they ate sugar or didn't have enough sleep. I react the way I do because my family was dysfunctional. (Of course, I'm an adult and I take full ownership and responsibility for my feelings and my actions.)

I can't "fix" her or get her to want to "fix" herself. I've been feeling like this is the end, I can't stick this out for the kids for another 13 or more years. I can't live like this for that long. Stop this game, I don't want to play anymore.

And of course, here comes the curveball! THE CURVEBALL OF ALL CURVEBALLS. This is an un-hittable Mariano Rivera cut fastball.

One of the ways she feels she can fill the emptiness inside her is to have a 3rd child. I have been against this for various reasons for years. This has been a huge sticking point for her, sticking me with it ad infinitum, and obsessing over it for years. Well, this morning I found out that she's pregnant. (I truly do not need anyone lecturing me about this, castigating or scolding me, or rubbing my nose in this. I'm a grownup, I can do that all by myself without anyone's assistance.) She's EFFING PREGNANT!

Here I am considering ending my marriage, blowing up my children's world (and my own, I know how this goes), and now she's pregnant. I can't MAKE her terminate. I can't MAKE her get help for BPD. I feel like I just had my feet nailed to the floor. Ideally, I'd be sitting here, attempting to cry to the community here for advice, looking for some commiseration and wisdom. Instead, I'm flailing about, not even sure if I should ask a question. Do I stay? Do I go? Either way I could be stuck with a child I never wanted. (Please note, I will love this (potential) child with all my heart as I do my first two. There will be no abandonment, no walking away from this. Also note, I am not a religious person and do not believe in God. Appealing to any sense of spirituality or religion will be lost on me.)

Tl;dr: Wife = BPD (high functioning, not suicidal or self-destructive). Kids =  beautiful, awesome, homeschooled so far. I want to get out of this marriage. Wife just announced she's pregnant. I don't know whether to poop or go blind, as they say.

Hi all! 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi BeardBeast, thanks for the well written and very clear intro. Welcome to the board!

That is an incredibly difficult situation you're facing, to discover your wife's pregnancy and this new responsibility at the same time you feel about ready to exit the relationship. Like you, my wife's BPD didn't fully manifest itself until we had our two kids, and by then it would have been too late to make a clean break if I wanted to. Children complicate every aspect of the BPD relationship, and it sounds like you are a very devoted and compassionate father. And I also have been estranged from much of my family (I and they have responsibility, too, but it wouldn't be like this without my wife's issues) and can fully empathize with the misery of dealing with this pain alone.

May I ask what the home arrangements will be after the new child comes and what your responsibilities will be like? How much personal mobility will you have afterwards? Who will be home with the baby?

My main suggestion would be to look realistically at what you can do now and what you can do in the future. Like you said, divorce or separation is a big challenge at the moment. However, you can examine the situation and see where you have space to make changes, even if they are small, either in yourself, your living environment, or your relationship. You could also try to build a support network of counselors, friends, and anyone who can help or listen to your situation when you need it. The board can be an amazing support as well!

In the meantime, you can start planning for the future when the children are bigger and perhaps the option of separation comes back on the table. I forced myself to accept that separation is not a possibility for me right now, for financial and childcare reasons. My hope is that my wife at some point will seek treatment and improve. But if she doesn't, I know I can make the decision to leave in the future when the timing is right. It's far from ideal, but either way I believe that some day I will be in a relationship where I receive the love I deserve. 

To cope with this reality, I've been working on the DBT skill of Radical Acceptance. You can read the workshop on it here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0

I also found this video about Radical Acceptance from Marsha Linehan, the creator of DBT, extremely helpful in understanding the concept: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTG7YEWkJFI     

Hope this helps! 

[Meili]

I would like to join RolandOfEld in welcoming you to the bpdfamily.



I hope that you find as much help and support here as I've found.

ROE also said a few things about making little changes. He's right. It only takes one person to change the dynamics in any relationship. So, while finding out that your third child is on the way may not be ideal, you do have the opportunity to make things different and perhaps even improve.

How can we best support you?

There is a lot of great information around here. Read the posts of others and keep us posted.

[Jessica84]

BeardBeast - I'm sorry you are in a rough spot. A couple of thoughts...

1) Whether you stay or go, you will still have to deal with your wife since you have children together. So learning to communicate with her differently can help you (and your kids) long-term - either way. You will need to help them along this journey as well. I hope as you surf this site more, you can un-nail your feet and realize you have more power than you think. You will find amazing resources and meet others going through similar situations.

2) you seem to have a good sense of humor. That can serve you well. Helps me during the rough times. When some of the behaviors get so ridiculous, I often see my partner as a child and giggle inside. It beats the alternative of getting frustrated, trying to have an adult conversation during those times he is incapable. 

3) don't worry about getting any lectures. You'll find support here, without judgment.

4) most important, take care of YOU. People with BPD (pwBPD) can take a lot of our energy. Give yourself the care you need to stay healthy - emotionally, physically...

Best of luck to you 

[Radcliff]

Hello BeardBeast,

I'm sorry for the difficult situation you are in, but am glad you found us.  This is an amazing place to learn and get support.

The most important advice I have is to become a frequent visitor to this site.  "Eggshells" is a great book, and I find that I like books very much as a learning tool.  This site complements the books very well.  You can talk with people here who have had very similar experiences, and learn and practice specific coping skills.  This site is astonishing -- look at the top menu bar, and along the right side bar.  There are many learning articles and videos.  I still have not read or watched them all.  If you have a specific incident or behavior of your wife's that you are concerned about, post about that.  Reading others' posts is also a good way to understand that others are in similar situations.

If you are contemplating divorce, read "Splitting," written by Bill Eddy, and Randy Kreuger, the author of "Eggshells."  I would also recommend talking to a divorce lawyer to understand how much custody a dad in your position in your state is likely to get, and whether that is acceptable to you.  I am not suggesting that you leave, that's your choice.  I have three kids as well, and didn't find out about BPD until my youngest was 7.  Things were pretty crazy when my youngest was a baby, and I stayed, determined to read to her every night and not abandon her.  Had I been better educated on modern custody outcomes for dads in my state, I might have seen more options.

But I particularly wish that I'd found this website, with its fellowship and learning tools, 7 years earlier.  I would recommend learning and practicing the coping tools taught here before making any decisions.  We can help with that.  As Jessica84 said, you will have a parenting relationship with your wife even if you get divorced, so learning how to better work with her is a worthwhile investment no matter what.  A great newbie skill, the first one I practiced, that gave me an immediate payback in reduced drama, is how not to JADE.

If there were one type of situation or behavior of your wife's you'd most like help coping with, what would you say it is?

WW

[BeardBeast]

Wow! You really do know how to support a guy. Thanks for the really in-depth replies and commiseration.

I need to apologize for dropping my introduction and then disappearing. I had to deal with my mother's death, which was a long time coming, but no less difficult. Because of the strong emotions from that, I simply couldn't bear to read about BPD, engage anyone on it, or even read self-help articles. It was all just too much. I also tore my rotator cuff. I keep it interesting.

But now I'm back and easing back into helping myself.

Not sure if this works, but hey I'm new. I'm going to try to answer questions and add more content and context.

Hi BeardBeast, thanks for the well written and very clear intro. Welcome to the board!

May I ask what the home arrangements will be after the new child comes and what your responsibilities will be like? How much personal mobility will you have afterwards? Who will be home with the baby?

RolandOfEld:
I don't know so much about the arrangements. We will probably have a small army of other moms and friends helping out. At least, that's what it has been for mourning my mother, which has been very nice. I'm not counting on any help and never received much from anyone with kids 1 and 2 either.

My responsibilities will be to hang around like a post-partum dad, keep the older kids busy and alive and on-track (did I mention we homeschool? sheesh, I know how to complicate life!). Under normal circumstances I do a lot of dishes and laundry (I actually really enjoy laundry), and I expect that to continue.

My personal mobility is a good question. I probably won't be going to as many customer dinners or D&:) games as usual. However, I'm going to insist on SOME time for myself. I cannot get sucked down the bottomless gravity well and then try to redefine the laws of physics trying to extricate myself later on. I also cannot simply abandon her to the newborn. Will have to strike a balance right near the event horizon. (See what I did there?)


Wentworth: "Splitting" has been added to the reading list! I'm currently chewing on "The Essential Family Guide... ." from Randy Kreger, and I'm learning more about coping from that than I had Eggshells. I also agree that talking to a divorce lawyer is a good idea to gauge my options. I have also been trying to dig into this website's content to learn more. It's vast! I appreciate the recommendations for reading material on the site here in the replies to my post. Please keep them coming.

If could have help with one aspect of my wife's behavior it would be the insecurity behind her validation needs. I truly think that she requires a large quantity of very delicate validation and reads invalidation into everything. Of course her world revolves around my validation or invalidation and I tend to feel like we can be more productive if I can learn to properly validate better. I may never be able to avoid all the mines in that field, but it will be good for my own development as a father to learn validation, a skill I am only beginning to learn.

Looking forward to more give and take here and more recommendations on articles. Thanks all!

[Tattered Heart]

If could have help with one aspect of my wife's behavior it would be the insecurity behind her validation needs. I truly think that she requires a large quantity of very delicate validation and reads invalidation into everything. Of course her world revolves around my validation or invalidation and I tend to feel like we can be more productive if I can learn to properly validate better. I may never be able to avoid all the mines in that field, but it will be good for my own development as a father to learn validation, a skill I am only beginning to learn.

Learning to validate is a huge skill that can make such a big difference. Validation lets her know that you hear her. It may not always prevent a dysregulation, but it can go a long way in helping improve communication. I view validation as going hand in hand with Don't JADE . The main thing when it comes to these tools is realize that to the pwBPD their perception = reality, whether it's real or not. So addressing first their fear of rejection and then their perception allows you to get past the emotions of the turmoil and into the reality of it.

Could you share a specific scenario and something you might say to try to validate something she is upset about?

[Jessica84]

I had to learn to stop invalidating first.

Until I could catch myself doing that, none of my validation attempts worked, hard as I tried... .I did SET in the wrong order. Or I gave an empathy statement followed by a "but" which negated the empathy. Or I said "sorry" too often - trying to show empathy, but it came out like an apology and just confused him. Arghh! So I would recommend to first practice not invalidating. Learning not to JADE is a good start. 

[RolandOfEld]

Hi BeardBeast and welcome back.

First off, I am very sorry to hear about your mother's death. I lost my mother to cancer 10 years ago and it was also a long in coming situation. We had a complicated relationship that I'm still trying to figure out to this day. Sending you thoughts during this time and totally understand your need to disengage from the BPD planet for a while.

I also know a bit about being nailed to the floor. After a one week vacation at home I really saw just how much my wife's BPD is degrading my own sanity, I started to seriously think about a separation. But she's not back to work yet and I'm supporting us all on one income. Add onto that S5 and D2 with no one to help us and one of us moving seems a lot less possible. So what I can do now is plan for all contingencies and be ready when a better moment arrives. 

I think its about timing. Everything has a time. You're about to have a new child and you and your wife will both need each other's support. But maybe I'm wrong and it's in fact the perfect timing for you. That part only you can know.

~ROE

[Radcliff]

Hi BeardBeast,

It's been a while.  How are things going?

WW

[RolandOfEld]

Hi BB, was thinking about you recently, too. Please check in if you get a second.

~ROE