Next to no Contact Now

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi
I had no idea that there was possibly another explanation for what has been happening between my 27 year old daughter and I.  We used to be close; however as I say that, I also realize that when she was around, I walked on pins and needles being careful what I said and certainly not saying anything that may trigger and set her off. 
 
The situation came to a head back in August after having asked her again to move her things out of the house, I had previously asked her 2 years ago... .but she had done very little.  She has not lived at my house for several years since starting and finishing university and travelling.  She cut off contact with me and when I eloped in September and had not shared with her ahead of time, she was absolutely furious with me.  To this day, the only contact I've had is when I have emailed her to notify of something with my father.

I have been in counselling since August which is where I learned about BPD.  From all that I'm learning,  I believe she has many traits but up till now, it has been all my fault.  I've kicked her out of the only home she's had so the guilt I feel is huge. 

I think about her alot of just end up in tears, shes my only child and it tears me apart what we have become.  I dread having to email her because i know I will receive a very cold sentence in reply.  Three emails in the last three months in which I give her the information she needs about my Dad and sign off with I Love You, Mom.

There are times when I'm ok but only because I'm not thinking about her but then someone says something about their daughter or they ask me about mine and I say she's fine and change the subject before I start to cry. 

I struggle ever day.
SadnHurt 

[Sadnhurt]

Hi
I had no idea that there was possibly another explanation for what has been happening between my 27 year old daughter and I.  We used to be close; however as I say that, I also realize that when she was around, I walked on pins and needles being careful what I said and certainly not saying anything that may trigger and set her off. 
 
The situation came to a head back in August after having asked her again to move her things out of the house, I had previously asked her 2 years ago... .but she had done very little.  She has not lived at my house for several years since starting and finishing university and travelling.  She cut off contact with me and when I eloped in September and had not shared with her ahead of time, she was absolutely furious with me.  To this day, the only contact I've had is when I have emailed her to notify of something with my father.

I have been in counselling since August which is where I learned about BPD.  From all that I'm learning,  I believe she has many traits but up till now, it has been all my fault.  I've kicked her out of the only home she's had so the guilt I feel is huge. 

I think about her alot of just end up in tears, shes my only child and it tears me apart what we have become.  I dread having to email her because i know I will receive a very cold sentence in reply.  Three emails in the last three months in which I give her the information she needs about my Dad and sign off with I Love You, Mom.

There are times when I'm ok but only because I'm not thinking about her but then someone says something about their daughter or they ask me about mine and I say she's fine and change the subject before I start to cry. 

I struggle ever day.
SadnHurt 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hi Sadnhurt

Welcome, you have come to the right place to learn about BPD, to learn new skills and also to get lots of support.

quote
I had no idea that there was possibly another explanation for what has been happening between my 27 year old daughter and I.  We used to be close; however as I say that, I also realize that when she was around, I walked on pins and needles being careful what I said and certainly not saying anything that may trigger and set her off.

Yes, we all recognise that, it makes communication very difficult doesn’t it?
 
quote
The situation came to a head back in August after having asked her again to move her things out of the house, I had previously asked her 2 years ago... .but she had done very little.  She has not lived at my house for several years since starting and finishing university and travelling.

That sounds so like my situation, my son is now 35, he also left home to go to university and then went off travelling. He currently lives in a different country to me so all of his stuff is stored in his bedroom. I guess at some point he will have to move it. Has your daughter removed her things since you asked her the second time?

quote
She cut off contact with me and when I eloped in September and had not shared with her ahead of time, she was absolutely furious with me.  To this day, the only contact I've had is when I have emailed her to notify of something with my father.

I am so sorry to hear that she cut off contact with you. My son has been n/c with me for over a year now. It is very hard.
Do you think that she was justified in being furious with you over your elopement?

quote
I have been in counselling since August which is where I learned about BPD.  From all that I'm learning,  I believe she has many traits but up till now, it has been all my fault.  I've kicked her out of the only home she's had so the guilt I feel is huge. 

I understand the guilt that you feel, I too felt that, but the more you read and learn about BPD you will realise that you are not to blame, it is not your fault.

quote
I think about her alot of just end up in tears, shes my only child and it tears me apart what we have become.  I dread having to email her because i know I will receive a very cold sentence in reply.

That feeling is dreadful isn’t it, even though you’re pleased to have received a reply, the content in it is soul destroying. I got to the point with my son where I wanted to contact him but was in fear of what the reply would be. It’s taken time but I’m more at ease with it now and I don’t place such importance on receiving a reply anymore.

quote
There are times when I'm ok but only because I'm not thinking about her but then someone says something about their daughter or they ask me about mine and I say she's fine and change the subject before I start to cry. 

I do that if someone asks me about my son, say he’s fine then change the subject, I actually wrote that a couple of days ago, in a reply to someone asking what to do in that situation when someone asks after your son/daughter. It’s how we cope.

I do hope that your relationship with your daughter improves, there are tools here to help you, keep posting, it is very therapeutic x

[Sadnhurt]

Thank you for your response Feeling Better.  I'm just trying to figure out how to manoeuver around the site.

Yes, after asking permission to go into my house, my daughter removed her things earlier this month while I was at work.  She took everything I had packed up for her but left a strip of pictures of the two of us sitting in the room.  At least she didn't cut them up or tears them into shreds but it tore me apart to see that.

Regarding my elopement, I had been with my boyfriend for 6.5 years.  We decided to elope because it was a second marriage for us both and we didn't want a big event.  We also decided that if we couldn't have all of our three kids at the ceremony, it would be just the two of us and it would be kept secret.  And so it was... .no one knew until we started telling our family the following week, my daughter being the first one to be told.  However, because she had cut off communication, the only way I could tell her was through email, she had cut off her phone so I could not call her.

She responded that she was the last person to be told and that I should have emailed her and asked her to call me.  In hindsight, perhaps I should have done that, but not knowing that she would actually call me was also my thought as she was in Germany at the time.  She had joked in previous years that I would never re-marry so perhaps she truly believed that. 

She fired back at me that I never enjoyed any of the time we've been together, the mini-vacations and that I only went with her because I felt obligated.  She also said I never made time for her when she would come back home - her expectation was for me to spend all of my off-work hours with her even though she would leave in the early evening to go to a party and then not come home.  But I was to be there and stay there for her. 

I sent one email with a couple of sentences to say that I thoroughly enjoyed our mini-vacations except for the time when we were lost and she wouldn't ask for directions, so I finally asked her to ask and she flew into a rage, (we never spoke for hours following that and it was only the two us).   I received an email back with 8 long paragraphs of how she thought I was over-reacting.  I couldn't read the whole email... .I was a wreck just seeing that she thought I had over-reacted, (she never thinks she's wrong about anything).

I have learned that you cannot 'explain' anything to narcisists, which I am not sure if my daughter is more  narcisist or BPD but I truly believe there is some kind of mental health issue underlying her behaviour over the years.  She has gotten progressively worse, I see it in her friendships, in the way she treats her family, but mostly I see and feel how she treats me.  My mother has even commented on it and the rest of the family has little to do with her. 

The guilt is overwhelming, I sometimes think that perhaps I should have just let her keep her stuff here and allow her to wander back into my home whenever she wanted.  But I couldn't handle her mood swings and rages which is why I asked her to leave 4 years ago. 

I had to tell my mother to please not be the go-between as the three of us have been in a triangle for many years.  I had stopped my part after realizing what was happening but she continues.  She does whatever my daughter wants.

I will sign off now as this has gotten longer than I wanted it to be and its emotionally exhausting.

[Feeling Better]

Hi Sadnhurt

What you wrote reminds me so much of how my son used to behave. They really know how to hurt us, don’t they? Your daughter knew that by leaving those photos, it would upset you. I gave my son a gift when I knew he was moving to live abroad, he thanked me for it, said how nice it was, and when I said that I hoped it would remind him of me and of how much I love him, he offered it back to me, saying that if he looked at it, it would always remind him what a horrible person I was.

I am so sorry to hear that such a happy occasion as your elopement turned out so badly, there was no way that you could have predicted that.

You say that the guilt is overwhelming. Do you feel that guilt because you asked her to leave?
I can see that you asked her to leave to protect yourself, your own health and well-being, you recognised that you needed to do that, and you had the courage to do it. Sometimes I wish that I had been able to do the same, but I was so worried for my son’s mental health and I didn’t know what to do. I let him walk all over me, too scared of saying or doing the wrong thing, as we all have done here, I was walking on eggshells. On the one hand I was looking forward to his visits and on the other dreading it and hoping that this time it would be different, and then feeling relieved when he finally left. It was utter torment and I don’t doubt that you have been through the same.

Be kind to yourself, that is what I am trying to do, we deserve it, always remember, we did the best that we could x

[Huat]

Hello Sadnhurt.  Welcome!

"Sadnhurt" is probably a name all of us could attach ourselves to at one time or another.  When our beautiful, little babies were placed in our arms all those years ago, I'm sure not one of us envisioned this would be the future we would share with them.   Wasn't it all to be so different?  (Sigh!)

Wonderful to read that you are getting another start in life and recently eloped with your soul-mate.  Congratulations!  I think your reasoning for making the decision to elope was well-thought out.  Bottom line, Sadnhurt, it really is only about the two of you... .you and your new husband.  You should not find the need to apologize to anyone... .even your daughter (who is not a child).  If there is a problem, it is hers, not yours.

Good, too, to read that you are taking steps to look after yourself by going to counselling.   You are more ahead-of-the-game than some others here.

You write about having "guilt" in regards to your daughter.  I wish you would give yourself more credit.  We, as Moms, have done the best we could... .did better when we knew better... .and will continue to do so.  What more can be asked of a person?

I am so much more in control than what I used to be and that has taken work.  With that said, I have my moments.  Recently I read a little quote (from... .?)... ."Sometimes memories sneak out of my eyes and roll down my cheeks."  Yep!  It happens.  The anecdote is, as soon as possible,  to wipe away that tear, blow your nose, then think of another memory that causes your mouth to smile.  At first it might take some time to find such memories... .but they are there.

What heart-warming responses "Feeling Better" has sent to you... .acknowledging your pain and then sharing the steps she has taken to help her get over the bumps-in-life experienced with her son.  That is what this forum is all about... .helping each other.  On top of that, you can see a wealth of information to the right ... ."Tips-from-the-Top" (so to speak) to help you get started on making some positive changes.

Hang in there, Sadnhurt!  Hope to hear more from you as you forge ahead.

((HUGS)... .from another (undiagnosed-but-highly-probable) BPD'er's Mom.

Huat

[Sadnhurt]

Hi Everyone
Can anyone tell me how you deal with having no contact?  With every notification of an email, I hear it and wonder if my daughter, (27 year old) has emailed.  I know it is not in my best interest to contact her, she would only blast me and say I kicked her out (her words) when I just asked her to move her things out... .two years ago.  But I miss her, even with all the verbal and emotional abuse.

She would only say I don't love her and am not proud of her because I won't store her stuff any longer.  She would yell at me for not telling her I was getting married, (we told no one). 

I seem to be dreaming of her now, two recent dreams I had she was in them, but oddly enough, she did not speak in the dream, but she was there.  Not like in real life, you always knew when she was there because she would tell everyone they were doing things wrong or she would be the centre of attention and never be wrong about anything.

My life has changed since she went no contact, I no longer have anxiety that she will drop into my home unannounced and how I will have to try to rearrange my life during the time that she's here so that I can be readily available to her whenever she needed me.  Because if I wasn't, she would get angry at me and say hurtful things.  I believe she has needed counselling for years, her biological father never knew her and her adoptive father never contacted her after we separated at age 12.  She has serious abandonment issues and never wants to let a boyfriend have the upper hand, she will never commit, she always has to be the one to break-up and make sure they miss her when she's gone.  And she can be so cruel to them, a different kind of cruel than she was to me.

I read someone else's post, (sorry, I can't recall who's) that said its hard to see happy families on commercials on tv... .I totally relate to that.  It was only my daughter and I for so many years, and yes, I put up with her and her abuse and now its come to this and she has written me out of her life saying such awful things about me.  It makes me so sad. 

I wish the best for her, I only want her to be healthy & happy. 
I wish I could reach out to her and she'd be different but I know she won't be. 

Sadnhurt

[Feeling Better]

Hi Sadnhurt

You ask how anyone deals with having no contact, there is no denying it, it is one of the most painful experiences a mother could have to go through. When it happened to me I thought that my life had ended. I felt a failure. I felt so helpless, knowing that I wasn’t able to help my son. I felt his pain as well as my own, it was the darkest and worst time of my life.

I’m not really sure how I came to deal with it, it was such a gradual process. Time, as they say is a great healer. Time gave me the chance to read as much as I could, to find out as much as I could and to learn as much as I could. Reaching out to others, reading different posts and replying to others posts, all of this has helped me. It has helped me to pick myself up and it has given me the strength to start looking after myself. It has helped me to accept what has happened and it has helped me to realise that it is out of my control. I cannot make my son get help, he has to realise himself that he needs help, and he has to be the one who asks for it. He is an adult, he is responsible for himself and he makes his own choices.

One thing that helped me a lot was my belief that he was happy. As long as I could believe that he was living his life the way that he wanted and that he was happy, I learned to be ok with that. It still made me feel sad that I wasn’t part of his life but it helped to keep me going.

Another thing that has helped me is my goal. I want to learn as much as I can about communication skills, I want to learn how to validate my son’s feelings, I want to learn how to set good boundaries and I want to learn how to be more supportive and empathetic. When I feel comfortable and confident and strong enough emotionally to contact him, that is what I aim to do. That is my goal. I might not get the result that I am hoping for, but then again, I just might get something. I know that when I do decide to initiate contact, I have to be prepared for the fact that he might not be ready to re-engage, in fact he might never be ready. That is a chance that I want to take.

So, overall, I would say that no one thing in particular has helped me to deal with being n/c but a combination of different things, and an important thing is taking care of myself, looking after my own well being and building up my own emotional strength. It’s not been easy. At times it’s been extremely difficult. And at times I have thought ‘what’s the point?’ And I’m sure there could well be wobbly times still to come. But I’m still here and I’m still growing.

 Believe in yourself Sadnhurt, trust in yourself, and you too will get there. You are stronger than you are probably feeling right now, but you too can grow and you too will be able to deal with what’s been dished out to you. Keep posting and sharing. We are all here to help and support each other x