Mother With BPD Traits, Feel Isolated

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, I am here to seek support as I believe my mother has strong traits of BPD and I feel isolated. I am an adult female in my mid-30s.

[Taledo]

Hi, I am here to seek support as I believe my mother has strong traits of BPD and I feel isolated. I am an adult female in my mid-30s.

[Turkish]

Hi Taledo and welcome 

How do you feel isolated regarding your mother,  and what led you to believe BPD?

T

[Taledo]

Hi Turkish,

Thanks for the reply. Apologies for lack of detail in my first post!

I feel isolated because I feel I have never been able to talk to anyone about the way my mum behaves, out of a deep fear of betraying her and making others dislike her. Everyone thinks she is amazing and kind and giving - and she is, to me also, but when I don't act, think, or speak the way she thinks I should, it's a different story. It has been like this since I was a child and she has always blamed me for her behviour by accusing me of being the abusive one since I was 12 yrs old. When I have had partners in the past, I have hidden it all from them a I don't want them to dislike her. I do love her and would feel terrible for them to think badly of her. Two of my exes have seen her first hand, and were shocked.

I am in a new relationship now and he thinks my mum is great. My mum escalated an argument with me the other day and I was so upset that I told my partner a little bit about what happened. I don't want to talk to him more about it because I don't want him to think negatively. So, yeah, I feel isolated as I have no siblings, my father is dead (however he was physically abusive to my mum so we had to move overseas, later moving back home).

It was obviously worse when I lived with her, but it still affects me when episodes happen.

I thought I actually had BPD myself and went and saw a counsellor (who said I didn't) because I thought I had it due to being attracted to abusive relationships with men (in the past not now), low self esteem (that's gotten a bit better as I've gotten older), and used to do the whole thing of subconsciously sabotaging relationships in case they hurt me first (edited to add: in hindsight, it was probably me trying to get out of bad relationships in the wrong way! ). It took a long time for the counsellor to reassure me that I didn't have BPD or any other mental illness. My mum has told me for the last 15 years that I am narcissistic and have bipolar - I feel that she is mirroring herself when she says that to me.

About five years ago, I bought a couple of books on borderline mothers, and couldn't believe how accurately it described my childhood. Her behaviour fits in with the queen and the waif. I have told her I think she has BPD and forced her to see a counsellor if she wanted a relationship with me. She went for a little while but it wasn't for BPD treatment or anything.

I wrote up literally pages and pages of her behaviours which seem to match BPD. I can put them in the next post as this is already long and rambling!

[Turkish]

You think she really meant BPD rather than bipolar? Probably, yes? BPD is at least twice as prevalent as bipolar,  yet no one (the general public) seems to know about BPD. Do you think she was projecting? Were you really that bad of a 12 year old kid?

I remember at 14, my mom told me,  "everyone thinks you are so great,  but they don't know the real Turkish like I do!" What is a kid supposed to do with that? What were you supposed to do and feel? This stuff is damaging enough to adults. Society calls it emotional abuse.  Society seems on board with the DV recources and awareness.  Though everyone is aware of child abuse,  I think adult survivors,  most of us here still going through it,  don't have a voice or advocacy.  Well,  you have that here.  



T

p.s. I'm glad you are in a healthy r/s now 

[Taledo]

Sorry, my post was a big ramble cos I'm trying to get everything out! haha

So my mum has told me I've had bipolar and narcissism pretty much since she first started using the internet for things other than work (so about 15 years ago). Until I mentioned me believing she has BPD, I had never heard her mention the term so unsure if she even knew about it (ie she's never said I have BPD).

Yeah, projecting is the right word. She still does it to me now. For example, nowadays I rarely react when she starts her episodes with me. I kind of have a wall up now and manage to remain calm (though feel like my chest is being ripped apart by stress). Because I haven't raised my voice back much in about 5 years, and no longer called her names in retaliation or swear back at her, she tells me I'm a manipulative snake who is gaslighting her and doing it so no one else can see. Conversely, if I do defend myself or on the rare occasion I do raise my voice back at her, I'm being abusive.

I now tell her to stop talking to me like that (fast-paced yelling, talking over me, getting angry etc) and her response is that I am being controlling by telling her how she can or cannot speak. She refuses to understand that I am having some respect for myself to not allow her to yell at me and all that.

The worst thing is that it's over nothing most of the time. One time, I offered to drive her to a shop she needed to go to. I asked her what entrance she would like me to drive to (thinking that would be helpful, as she's have to walk less far). She took that as me being resentful for helping her out and said that if it is soo hard for me to do one thing for her, then forget about it. She made me drop her off at a random spot and swore at me as she got out (in front of people) and told me to f*** off and she'd get a taxi home.

She has done things like that to me since the time I could drive (17 years ago). She argues with me in public while I'm quietly begging her to stop embarrassing us both... .she loves to argue with me in my car and in the past has grabbed the steering wheel while I'm driving, while screaming at the top of her lungs at me and thrown a bottle of coke all over the inside of my car while arguing with me.

I can't remember heaps of my childhood, other than negative things that happened, so I don't even know what I could have done to deserve that type of behaviour. All I remember is her breaking my stuff (toys etc as a kid, then electronics and makeup in my 20s) in anger and us physically fighting, because I "pushed her to that point with the things I said". The only "bad" thing I did was a child was resist going to school because I was bullied by two girls until I moved schools.

I'm sorry you have had to go through similar things, Turkish. It's so confusing to have your parent say that stuff to you, because a parent is supposed to nurture you, not put you down :-(

[julie frances lloyd]

hi Taledo,
I am a woman in my early 40's and I can relate to this. My mother was very jellous of my friendships with women and the love affairs with men, she would try to sabotage them always.

[Turkish]

What she did by grabbing the wheel was dangerous. What are your thoughts about enacting boundaries that it won't happen again?

[Taledo]

hi Taledo,
I am a woman in my early 40's and I can relate to this. My mother was very jellous of my friendships with women and the love affairs with men, she would try to sabotage them always.

Hi Mea :-)

I totally understand the jealousy and sabotaging of romantic relationships. I don't recall her being like that with my friendships with other people, but with men, yeah! My mum always accused me of being secretive (still does occasionally, even at my age now ), particularly about guys, and I just used to think, how can she not understand that any time there's a guy in my life, I have to walk on eggshells even moreso because of her reactions. She has told me many times that I am incapable of loving a man and loving my family (ie her). I just find statements like that so bizarre... .it doesn't make any sense to me.

I had my first kiss when I was 12. It was a peck on the lips and I didn't realise she had seen it happen. When we got home, before we had even unlocked the front door, she attacked me and called me a slut. Then she wonders why I closed up and didn't talk about boys with her from then on. I can't count the number of times she has gone off at me because I needed to leave or had to hurry because I had plans with a boyfriend and she thinks I'm putting them before her. Sigh... .

[Taledo]

What she did by grabbing the wheel was dangerous. What are your thoughts about enacting boundaries that it won't happen again?

Nowadays, if we are in a car and a blow up happens, I just shut my mouth. It actually happened two days ago. I'm currently on a few weeks holiday from work, and offered to take my grandmother to a medical appointment (with mum, who no longer drives due to a health condition). My mum was telling me about something upsetting that had happened to her to do with work. She owns her own business and to cut a long story short, a business is trying to get out of paying her what they owe her. I heard her tell one of them on the phone that they are trying to destroy her, when I went to pick her up. In the car, she was venting about it and I said that in my opinion, it would be better if she refrained from saying things like they are out to destroy her, so as to maintain her level of professionalism and not make it personal. I said that they are just trying to get out of paying her and not conspiring to destroy her and that for her own well being, to try and separate work from emotions so she doesn't feel so stressed. I was only trying to help and offer a different perspective as I see how overwhelmed she gets with stress and anxiety over work. After that, I may as well have been the devil. She started yelling at me while I drove in silence and my 89 yr old grandmother told her to stop speaking to me like that, which made her go off at my grandmother, too. I shut up, drove to the medical centre, and as she got out she told me I should be ashamed of myself, and that I need to grow up and f*** off. She said this in front of another man in the carpark and I was so embarrassed, as usual.

Edited to add: since I was a kid, I can remember my mum always accusing people of trying to destroy her and sabotage her (me included), so it's something I've had to hear for years and just see it as being irrational (feel guilty for even thinking that).

[Taledo]

My mother gave me a carpet from Morocco for an engagement present to my exhusband and said to me that when I get divorced she wants it back !

Oh dear... .sounds like she couldn't help herself with the jealousy :-(

[Turkish]

I can only imagine how embarrassing that must have been.  

Given your mom's outlandish behaviors, you might glean some ideas from here to keep yourself safe: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

It can be a jarring realization for adult members here on this board,  but some of us can get trapped in dynamics which are,  really, the same dynamics as intimate partner domestic abuse. A safety plan is a good idea.  

[Taledo]

I can only imagine how embarrassing that must have been.  

Given your mom's outlandish behaviors, you might glean some ideas from here to keep yourself safe: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

It can be a jarring realization for adult members here on this board,  but some of us can get trapped in dynamics which are,  really, the same dynamics as intimate partner domestic abuse. A safety plan is a good idea.  

Thank you for sharing that resource with me :-)

It's hard to explain, but reading something like that makes me feel like maybe I'm just making it a bigger deal than what it is and it's really me who is the problem. Reading something like that makes it all feel more real and I guess maybe I don't want to face that... .I think that's why only once in my life have I made a point of limited contact with my mum, which lasted a few months.

A few years ago, she was arguing with me and screaming/crying and, not to sound mean, but being hysterical. My grandmother tried to intervene and it ended with my mum pushing her fist in to my grandmother's mouth and smooshing it in. One part of me wanted to call the police, but I felt like that was a big step that I could never come back from and I knew everything would be okay in a couple of days if I shut up and let her calm down to the point where she'd pretend nothing had happened.

I think my mum has apologised to me maybe five times in my life. Even when she has attacked me, I have apologised just to keep the peace, cos I can't take the stress of conflict or silent treatment.

[Turkish]

Abuse is a serious issue,  and what your mom did to her mother was criminal abuse, elder abuse even worse. The past is past, but I hope you can keep yourself (and your grandma) safe from her.  Neither of you deserve this from your mother. 

[Taledo]

Abuse is a serious issue,  and what your mom did to her mother was criminal abuse, elder abuse even worse. The past is past, but I hope you can keep yourself (and your grandma) safe from her.  Neither of you deserve this from your mother. 

You are right. Her response is that the things that were said to her were so hurtful and it drove her to that.

It confuses me so much because she was hit by my alcoholic father every single night until she finally left him, and there is no excuse for him hitting her... yet when she is apparently hurt, it's okay for her to lash out physically... ?

My mum and I have had very bad physical fights before. She used to always barricade me in a room and prevent me from leaving cos she wanted to keep arguing and screaming and I used to try and push her out of the way or grab her to move her. I would always be highly distressed in that state and be crying and yelling at her to let me leave or move out of the way. As soon as I even went near her, sometimes before I even touched her, she would start bloodcurdling screams and yell, "don't touch me! help!" for all the neighbours to hear, when I hadn't even touched her. She has physically attacked me and I've attacked back, and then she has sworn black and blue that I did it first - when I didn't. It frustrated me beyond words that she fabricated a new reality in her head.