Too much adoring, too many compliments, it’s suffocating

[Zinnia21]

Ok so, we’ve been sort of hanging out again for past 4 or 5 months, he’s seeming much more stable than he was through previous jealous/ paranoia/ disassociated periods. Much much better. We are seeing if we can make this work, bit by bit, but god I want him in therapy! Anyway... .

I might sound spoilt here, because during the discards of the past, I would’ve longed for his attentions again. But lately I feel so suffocated and unmoved by his compliments.  Which are non stop recently, it’s overwhelming and tiring. It doesn’t sit right. He fills every space with a compliment or a longing glance, or a kiss or a sexual suggestion. I think I get some of the reasons, I know him pretty well after 5 yrs and reading about BPD. Here are some-

Showing excessive attention because of his previous discards (reassuring me)
Avoiding abandonment by showering me in attention to keep me
Idealising me
And genuine love! I’ll cut him a break here!

But what do I do here? Sometimes after soo many nice comments and overbearing neeeeeedy affection moments, I’m left feeling flat and as though there’s no gaps for me to fill as he has filled them all.

I guess it’s even more so lately as I tried to create some space or a ‘mini break’ to take timeout from out half relationship and work out what we might do next. My need for that space was out of genuine love, not to run away. But of course he perceived a possibility of me leaving.

It’s so tiring, these extremes. His bad ‘quiet’ days, contrasted against his clingy and overly engaging moments. How I long to get him a good therapist to help him find a middle ground. I’m also trying to accept him more and more as being this way for good. But worry the extremes kill the relationship.

Any similar stories or advice? How can I gently suggest a different way to him?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Notwendy]

I used to be so thrilled for these romantic times, but over time, I began to feel like you do now because they seem so contrived and not real.  Ironically, I felt that the times of dysregulation were more "real" because they were unguarded, and not something that requires self monitoring even if they were unpleasant.

For me, this is in context of a long term marriage, with children and also a milder situation than some others. I had a lot of investment in this relationship. I can not compare it to dating- I don't know how much investment I would have in that situation but we all make our choices about that. I didn't notice much when we were dating as I think that was different- people tend to put their best foot forward when dating.

But I actually do recall a feeling I had when we were dating and didn't recognize it as a red flag. How can being treated so nicely feel like a red flag?  At times, I felt I needed a mini break to gain balance- some time to myself. I felt a little smothered and didn't really know why.

During the marriage there were back and forth times - and the back times were amazing. Romantic is not the baseline for my H, but sometimes Mr. Romantic would return and sweep me off my feet- affection, romance, presents, then become sullen, angry, give me the ST. Then, Mr. Romantic would go away for a long long time and be replaced by another person who I did not like.

It took a lot of personal work to understand my own background and also why someone would do this. If someone doesn't love their core self, then they feel they have to wear a mask. When someone is dysregulated the mask comes off and these painful feelings seem to emerge. Although I didn't like this ( and we should  not tolerate this) I felt that this was an aspect of the real person- the real person who feared not being loved for who they are but who they think others want them to be.

This is co-dependency- and it is a trait shared by pwBPD and their partners. As I worked on my own self acceptance, I was able to see others as they are- imperfect people trying their best.

I don't like Mr. Romantic. To me, he is fake. I suspect you are feeling this way too. Not that your BF doesn't love you- that's not fake but the way he thinks he needs to act to be loved. I had to decide to love Mr. Hyde, not his romantic counterpart. Now for some relationships, Mr. Hyde is abusive and we need to decide what we tolerate. If Mr. Hyde was sulky or angry, that would be OK for me- and that is mostly what my Mr. Hyde was. I was not in physical danger.

Zinnia- listen to your gut. If this is overwhelming and you need space- then take it. Also be honest- honey I love you and love when you are attentive to me, but it sometimes feels too much. If you are dating- slow this down. ( this does not imply ending it ) . Too much of this is  taking you off balance. Spending time alone is not a bad thing- not in dating, not in marriage. It gives you time to think and to recharge. Self care is key in any relationship. Your feelings may be telling you to spend some time with you.

If you do choose this man, know that he wants to be loved for who he is, not a mask.

[Turkish]

If someone doesn't love their core self, then they feel they have to wear a mask. When someone is dysregulated the mask comes off and these painful feelings seem to emerge. Although I didn't like this ( and we should  not tolerate this) I felt that this was an aspect of the real person- the real person who feared not being loved for who they are but who they think others want them to be.

This is a great way of putting it.  My T would talk about a dis-integrated personality. My buddy's wife said that my ex tried too hard. She saw through the mask.  My own struggle was of she loved me so much like that,  then why did she treat me so badly other times? I grew not only to not believe the good times,  but to resent her trying to hard,  from my point of view.  


I think you are onto something,  Zinnia21 when you say you are trying to accept him "being this way" though I hear maybe resignation by "for good."

Showing excessive attention because of his previous discards (reassuring me)
Avoiding abandonment by showering me in attention to keep me

There's a validation target here,  yes?

[Zinnia21]

Thanks for your responses and advice.
And Notwendy, yes you’re right, the Hyde seems a more free expression than the mr romantic. More genuine, being an expression of his feelings instead of an act enacted out of fear or pressure. Their is something strained in his romantic expressions, I can feel the strain from him.
And often he has panicked and come at me with excessive affection before crumbling and running away again, another reason it makes me so uncomfortable.
Thanks for the reminder I can have space if I need it.

Turkish, do you feel acceptance was a big part for you? As you mentioned that for me. I mean accepting there may never be a ‘middle ground’ for my partners emotions to exist in... I know him well by now, yet I still think, “if only he wouldn’t crowd me and cling to me” or “if only he wouldn’t go quiet and moody, or be angry at the world” depending on which week it is! None of it is just steady love or communication. Well sometimes, but you know... .mostly goes round in cycles.

He remains undiagnosed and in denial of how askew his views really are. That bit is hard.

[pearlsw]

Hi Zinnia21,

I know how hard this is. I neither being discarded/devalued nor being idealized. It is all so extreme and I am such a moderate person myself it just feels too intense.

Have you done any work yet with Radical Acceptance? I spent some time with this notion last fall and it helped to embrace this instead of resent it. Is that something you might be interested in exploring? https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0

warm wishes, pearl.