Anyone else plays the dual role of therapist and romantic partner?

[doctorRod]

Good morning friends,

I have been with my BPD gf for 10 months and the more I learn about this illness and make progress towards reaching a fulfilling relationship with her I notice one thing. First and foremost I am her boyfriend/romantic partner. I was not the most secure of people but have improved greatly on this end (which I am proud of   ). I personally have a high sex drive and have already made a significant sacrifice on this end. Lets face it... .by learning and dealing with BPD we all serve as a kind of therapist to our significant other. I know by no means are we professionals but the more conflict we endure, the more experience we get in the process (hopefully success too). Playing the role of boyfriend and therapist is not only hard but at times downright unbearably frustrating especially when it comes to sex.

The more progress I have toward lifting the rocks and exterminating the bugs in our relationship... .the more conflict in the bedroom. Anyone else plays the dual role of therapist and romantic partner? And how does it affect your sexual relationship? Any advise on how to improve on this end? Any success story of their BPD partner coming around on this end?

Thanks,
Rod

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[joshbjoshb]

My friend,

I am sorry but I don't think you can last as her therapist. You are not, and you will never be. You don't have a relationship with a patient... .obviously BF's should help GF's and vice versa, but assuming that role is really not good for you both in the short and the long term.

[Skip]

I assume you mean this figuratively and that you do not see your emotional maturity as equal and you do your best to understand her and read her and at time help her with her own feelings.

The physical relationship is largely a reflection of how she feels about herself and the relationship - so when that is struggling, most likely, so will the sex.

I think also, if you look at guidelines posted by experts, the help us delineate the difference between being empathetic and supportive and being enmeshed and enabling.

Its a fine.  You may want to discuss it here to be sure you are in constructive territory.

[pearlsw]

Hi doctorRod,

We hadn't heard back from you on this so I wanted to check in and see how you are?

It is interesting... .your post reminded me I kinda felt like a "therapist" of sorts to bf's when I was younger, in my current situation with my upwBPD traits I don't feel that way... .I just feel like I am in someone else's crisis.

Do you feel this is negatively impacting your sex life in terms of you being a caregiver? Or?

Please let us know what's up.

[isilme]

As the more "emotionally abled" partner, yes, we tend to do more of the heavy lifting - think of them as starting out in an emotional wheelchair and it may be easier to see they CAN'T at this time give as much as we'd like.

This really is just something that we all work to radically accept as far as being realistic as to what we can and should not expect as reciprocal acts within the relationship. 

Yes, I realize to an unhealthy extent I feel a need to try to manage H's emotions for him - this is MY problem, as he needs to be allowed as much as possible to manage his own.  It also means I need to let him have emotions I don't like or share, and accept that he has them, regardless of the reasoning he applied to get to them.  I need to validate that he has them, and that I understand he has them, and how bad they can make him feel.

That said, I also need to allow myself MY own emotions and to not feel I need to "fix" his (I can't) or try to convince him to share mine.

There is a lot that may feel like being a therapist, especially a the start.  But the way it seems to me, is we are two sides of a broken record - if neither side changes how we communicate, how we react/interact, the record will keep repeating in a loop.  And since we can't change them directly, as much as it may seem like the solution, we CAN change what WE do that makes the situation worse, what feeds it, and what keeps it going. 

BPD is often tied to intimate personal feelings.  What is more intimate for most people than sex?  Sex is a HUGE trigger for dysregulation.  It can bring up poor body images that they will project onto you.  It can bring back negative emotional recall from previous lovers, all manner of feelings of inadequacy, as well as triggering a push/pull reaction of "you got to close so I need to abandon you first, but don't leave me I can't be abandoned."  H tends to dysregulate a lot before, during (this is really horrible) or after sex.  At some point, his emotions will drop, and he will need to try to make it my fault.  His self image is terrible. 

Can you tell us what you are comfortable sharing about how the therapist feelings are affecting intimacy?

[doctorRod]

I can identify with the two sides of a broken record... .communication is a non-stop learning experience and the slightest word play/use can make a difference between having a good time or a moment in hell. It definetly helps to be an excellent communicator. My partner tends to use her hands when she is angry and points her finger at my face... .one thing I started doing that has helped is hold her hands in a caring way (ask her permision to do so first of course and let her know that is so you can focus more on what she has to say and not be distracted by hand movements) then looking her directly in the eyes both standing or both sitting. Never interrupt even if she has a lot to say. Focus on trying to remember the one or two key points you will bring up after hearing her full response and either 1) if its your fault apologize and say I see how that can feel to you,,, make suggestion for change. or 2) shes completely out of line... .say i can see how bad this is hurting you... .bring up examples that contradict the accusation and in the end stick to saying "you see things one way and I see things another" neither is right or wrong we both feel differently.

As for my romantic life... .its taken a turn for the worse. I called my partner boo bear by accident (the nickname i gave her specially for her is "hermosa" so i messed up. it happens to the best of us)... .this was my ex gf nickname. I apologized and truly felt bad. The other day I found out she called her ex bf handsome. Shes been calling me handsome for more than 10 months. It really broke my heart to realize her double standard here. I was thinking that was my special nickname that was cleverly made just for me. 10 months of hearing "handsome" Its the first time in the relationship that I just cant seem to shake it off. I cant seem to let it go and forgive. Its eating me up inside and makes me shake a little everytime I think about it.

[doctorRod]

As for negative impact on sex life being acaregiver... .yes. Its hard to be her "friend" that has to call her out when shes wrong and at times... .only  for her to get angry and hold grudges that kill it for me in the romance department. I mean I dont always draw the line on her but when she truly is out of control I let her  know shes in the wrong. Its strange but almost serve as a father type role by giving her examples of what a good father should have done? Im not sure if this is coming out correctly but the caregiver role in me does reflect my own fathers ways of bring me up from childhood.