Borderline mother

[Depression = 72% of members]

  I need help in dealing with my mother

[Shy]

  I need help in dealing with my mother

[ArleighBurke]

Hi Shy, and welcome!

So tell us more about your situation... .
     Do you suspect your mother has BPD? Is she diagnosed? What is she doing?

And a little about you... .
     How old are you? Are you living with her? Are there others in the house?

[Shy]

Hi, Arliegh, mom is diagnosed, she is now 90 years old. I am 63. I am at my wits end with her, I am just now finding some resources to help. My brothers have nothing to do with her, and other family and friends think she is a wonderful person, and they think I'm awful. I'm tired of the manipulation and rages.

[Shy]

I should also tell you that she lives in wonder place with own little apartment, medical staff, all sorts if activities, all meals included. She loves it there. She is mobile and sharp as a tack.

[Turkish]

Your mother sounds safe and taken care of.  Why do the others think you are awful? I got this from one of my mom's friends (a "frenemy" of my mom,  more accurately), and it sucks. 

[Shy]

Apparently do not do enough for her, I'm a horrible daughter, I don't spend enough time with her etc. One minute I'm the best, next I'm evil. Can't win.

[Turkish]

Apparently do not do enough for her, I'm a horrible daughter, I don't spend enough time with her etc. One minute I'm the best, next I'm evil. Can't win.

Sometimes the winning move is not to play. 

Do you have guilt? This can be hard given a lifetime of being told you're not "good enough,  you don't do enough" by a borderline parent, even if the emotional message is implied rather than stated.

I thought I was resilient, but spent almost 3 hours on the phone with my mom's frenemy, a lot of it with she accusing me of being a bad son (she swore at me another time).

What do YOU view as a daughter is your role towards your mother, regardless of what she or her friends say? Take a step back... .what would you advise a good friend who was in your situation?

[Shy]

I have terrible guilt, sometimes I hate her, I hate my own mother! I know she can't help being mentally ill, I do my best, at times, I have to distance myself from her. I try to understand her and try to gentle with her.  I'm not sure what I would advise a good friend in this situation.

[Turkish]

What does she put upon you that causes you the most pain?

[Shy]

She says very hurtful things about my father, terrible things. Demands to know about things from the past that she accuses me of, things that never happened. Tries to put me in the middle of my brothers and her. She yells at me and bangs her fists on the table because I should do everything she wants me to do for her. I just want to have a peaceful, drama free life.