She's moving out, but making steps to get help - bittersweet progress?

[lighthouse9]

Hi good people,

Sure feels like running a marathon right now - except I have no idea where or when the finish line arrives.

My wife got her apartment move in date - it's this Friday, which hit me pretty hard. I'm trying to remind myself that anticipatory anxiety does nothing but make you feel worse, because I know Friday is going to just feel awful no matter how much I feel awful now. More awful doesn't make Friday any better. It's just going to suck, so let it suck Friday and don't tempt the suck any earlier. That doesn't mean there isn't a level of suck right now, but imagining Friday isn't going to make it better. I'm also trying not to catastrophize and say "this is the end, she's never coming back," because I truly don't know that.

Things I do know:

-Our relationship had problems before she dysregulated recently and had an affair, asked for divorce,
 got an apartment without talking it through with me, aka just burned everything down around her and expected me to say "get out you horrible person!"

-This round of crisis has brought a lot of hard but good things to the surface, most notably that she's likely dealing with BPD and I've been able to educate myself enough to say lovingly to her (through the hurt) "with support, you don't have to suffer as much as you have been."

-I've been able to see how much of my own stuff has been enabling her and hurting both of us. I'm learning to communicate differently and validate her and it's been a dramatically different relationship for us, even though she's on her way out the door. My referral for counseling hopefully comes through this week (fingers crossed) and I've chosen a DBT program for myself, to both better understand what she's going through and to help me with my own emotions and boundaries.

-I was able to make a passionate, strong, calm, and clear request that she wait to file for divorce until after a month of counseling and that she talk that decision over with her therapist. I told her that I do not desire divorce but desire reconciliation and I took responsibility for my pieces of our struggle. I've also been demonstrating some of my new communication skills and talking about how I could have used them in the past to diffuse my end of the conflict and lead her into better conflict resolution. She might just be honoring this request (so far) out of a desire to not have more conflict before moving out, but I can't know that. I DO know that I have made my request and made it from a place of clarity and strength, and that I didn't request it from a place of fear and longing.

-Despite that, I do fear losing her permanently and I long for her presence back in this relationship. I was afraid to show that, given all the calm strength I've been mustering up to show her, but I broke down last night and showed it to her and it actually wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. She told me recently "I'm going to hurt you more" as a defense for not wanting to consider therapeutic separation, and I walked away from that thinking "don't show her how hurt you are." Last night, I couldn't hide it, so I cried and reminded her that I could have my hurt and have my strength at the same time. She seemed to really understand and respect that, and actually thanked me for showing her how much she meant to me.

-Through all of these talks, it is so clear that I (unknowingly at the time) rejected her and abandoned her in subtle and not so subtle ways throughout our marriage. I took responsibility for those things and stopped defending myself and why I couldn't be fully present with her. My reasons for not being fully present were real, but so are her perceptions of rejection and abandonment. As we like to say in our relationship, "Both things are true." If given another chance at this, I can very easily (like very easily - we're talking making dinner and planning dates) show her that she's my #1 and that my work (and my own problems) will not consume me at the expense of rejecting her.

-All of these great, honest, thoughtful things aside, I cannot go on living with some of her coping mechanisms. The drinking and destructive conversations when she's drunk have no place in my life. The promiscuous behavior and lying about her whereabouts have no place in my life. Projecting her problems onto me and preying on my weaknesses and vulnerabilities have no place in my life. Generally, I expect to be with someone who protects our marriage - from family members and their own problems (her mother split me about a year or so ago), from preying coworkers who are attracted to her and can't protect their own marriages, from random people at bars who give her attention and buy her drinks, and most of all, from herself. I recognize that she split me about a year ago, too, (she can see it now), and that without some of the tools we are learning now there was no way to protect our marriage from that split. A future with her or anyone will come with an expectation that we protect our marriage, and ask for help or enforce boundaries when that doesn't feel possible.

Things she has told me, that I have to wait to know if they are true:

-She filled out an intake form for the same DBT place (we'll have different therapists) and called her doctor about a referral. (I helped her find a place to go, did the research, and the doctor I saw told me to invite her to see him for the referral so she didn't have to tell the story again. Red carpet laid out, she just has to walk down it and stay on it herself. This felt like a good distinction between support and enabling.)

-She's moving out Friday. (Again, not ruling anything out here, though I'm almost certain she'll follow through on this one. She's never lived alone and I know a big piece of her is looking forward to that. She also keeps talking about needing a relationship with herself first before being with anyone else, but then in the next breath says she'll never be with anyone again because she'll hurt them. I keep validating her feelings, and I'm trying to stay grateful that she says she can see the work she has to do. Time will tell, right?)

-She was "gone" in this relationship before the affair and total dysregulation. (I'm having trouble believing this one, since things were so good right up until the moment her affair partner made a move on her while drunk. Again, not invalidating and definitely taking responsibility for my stuff before the affair, but I think her shame is clouding a lot of the history here and rewriting it a bit.)

-She doesn't see a way forward for us. (This one is layered for me, too. I don't see a way forward for the "us" that was in a relationship before and our old marriage is dead. Imagining a new marriage with the same partner is impossibly hard for most people, let alone someone showing borderline traits and dealing with that for the first time in their life. She's been dissociating and is bouncing between supportive and enabling influences in her life. She can barely feel herself, let alone a person that could re-enter a relationship with the person that she feels rejected her so badly that she had to go out and do all these awful things. I'm trying to be patient with this one. Our culture really promotes staying in something bad or leaving. A third way, like a therapeutic separation, just isn't on peoples' radar. I'm throwing my faith in a month of counseling giving her a little bit of time to "get out of hell," especially since hell really just started burning hot so recently and part of what she'll need to do (and I'll need to try for myself) is see that I am committed, that I see her, that I honor this part of her and always will, and that I will do my work. This doesn't mean that we won't end up divorcing, but I'm throwing one last hail mary in hopes that we can approach that decision from a place of a bit more clarity.)

Ok, that's a lot to put out there for now, but writing it down helps me to untangle the "true" from the "probable" from the "wishful" and the "unlikely." I know another bout of dysregulation could change all of this, but I'm hopeful.

How do you all untangle the knots?

Yours in healing,

-L

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi lighthouse9,

I just wanted to say I really like the way you laid out your thoughts on this... .I found it a helpful model in terms of organizing my own thinking about what I am dealing with.

I really appreciated what you said about the things you can simply no longer live with.

I did some "disentangling" recently by writing out all the options I have on separate sheets of paper and taking a hard look at them so I can understand my paralysis with things.

So this is a therapeutic separation for you two? Do you have an ideal towards which you are working, or just taking things as they come?

wishing you the best, pearl.

[lighthouse9]

Hi Pearl!

Thanks for reading-and it's reassuring to know that you've been doing some disentangling for yourself. What does that look like for you?

The paralysis is real, no? I'm usually a very decisive person and am good at discerning, but this is just a different beast. I've been trying to focus on what choices I have left, even if she's constrained those choices, rather than focusing on how her choices have constrained me. It's put me in more of an active mindset than a victim mentality.

Not sure if this is a therapeutic separation or not. I'm pushing for it, carefully. She's leaving regardless and I've been unable to prevent her from doing so (in rational, thoughtful ways - no abuse or threats here). She burned things down pretty quick, so I've asked that we let the dust settle a bit (aka one month of therapy for her before she decides to file) and then consider if this can be a therapeutic separation or not. I have to do my work, regardless.

If we do the therapeutic separation, I'll have to think through some of my ideals and terms - both for the separation and a future relationship. Right now, my number one criteria for there to be any chance of reconciliation is that she works through a DBT program and that I become part of that program with her at some point (family skills sessions or family therapy sessions). From there, I think I'll be able to work through some of the other ideals and terms. For now though, I'm trying to find myself again and re-learn what I lost through my co dependence.

Wishing you the best as well, I'd love to hear about your disentangling and such, too, if you want to share.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi lighthouse9, I think you've done an excellent job interpreting your own feelings and the meaning of all this chaos you've been experiencing since the affair, request for divorce, and now the strong possibility of your partner moving out.

Actually, your attitude has given me feelings of hope as I approach a crossroads in my relationship, realizing I cannot have a normal marriage in the present, and that the chances of a normal one in the future are not something to be too hopeful for. And most importantly, that it's OK, and that our lives and happiness aren't determined by whether someone we love decides to help themselves or not. It might be far easier for us if they did, and I hope your wife follows through.

In terms of how to untangle the knots, I think the answer is: keep living. If we go on and are true to ourselves, the knots - at least some of them - will untangle themselves. I think that's the whole purpose of it all.

Wishing you strength during this difficult time of change.

[lighthouse9]

Hey Roland,

Thanks for your response, and I'm so glad my post gave you some hope during your own crossroads. I like how you said it and identify with this too: We can't have a normal marriage in the present, the chances for the future are even not something to be hopeful for, and that's ok. The thing is, I don't need a normal marriage - I need a healthy one, and I think that is possible if we all do our work and set up good boundaries. Normal marriages don't typically do that, because they don't have to think about it as much - until something big happens, like an affair, which, happens in normal marriages, too. Reading about that has actually been helpful for me.

I had a freak out yesterday because our insurance denied the referral to the DBT program that just looked amazing and had the full set up to treat both of us with different therapists and bring us together for family skills training and therapy. There's still a slim hope that it might happen after I sent off some strongly worded emails, but after my freak out I took a step back and said "this isn't your work." My wife seems hopeful that someone else will be just fine to go to, but knowing what I know about BPD and how crappy some therapists are, I'm not as hopeful. Again though, not my work.

I like what you said about untangling the knots - just keep living. I lectured last night at the local community college and it felt amazing. It was such a good reminder of my gifts and the things I'm capable of, with or without her. It helped me come home to her and a room full of boxes she was packing to leave, while still staying calm and strong.

I think one thing I forgot about but I can really be grateful for is this: I can be hurt and sad, and also strong and calm at the same time. That's a gift right? Our BPD partners don't really have that same gift to feel different things and let them sit together complexly, without having to self harm or lash out. It's giving me perspective, watching her go through this, that I'm ok, that I'm going to be ok, and it's giving me the compassion to sit with her when her complex emotions won't regulate.

Thank you for the wishes of strength - and I'm sending the same to you. It's a process, no?

[RolandOfEld]

Hi lighthouse9 and thank you.

Yes that is a gift, one we should cherish.

And congratulations to you for having a beautiful moment among all the chaos. Your experiences along with my own reminded me that our lives are not defined by these periods of pain and difficulty but rather by the moments that exist within them. You found joy, and I'm sure your lecture touched those who attended it.

It is a process, and it is always ongoing, even when (or especially when) the worst things are happening.