New to all this, and wondering if my family can ever be repaired: BPD Sister

[BlueGreen]

Hi everyone. This is my first post. I have a sister, and from very recent online searching, I believe she has BPD. I'm 54, she's 52, and our relationship is mostly ok, although, in the phrase everyone uses here I am always 'walking on eggshells'.

The big problem is her relationship with my mother. Everyone my sister knows, and many she has just met, has been told that my mother is a ___ and worse, and that the rest of us (there are two more younger siblings) are in denial and covering up for what a ___ she is.

The truth is that my mother was left to bring us up alone when my father left when I was 14 and this sister was 12. My brother was just a few months old. My mother brought the 4 of us up alone, and although she will be the first to say that she didn't do everything right, I think she did an amazing job.

My sister was a difficult teenager, and developed an eating disorder, and this is where it all went wrong.

My mother is now 77, and I feel that, although she's been resilient all her life, she is now very aware of her age and mortality. The sense of failure in having a daughter she has no relationship with, whose needs she hasn't been able to meet, and who says really terrible things about her to everyone she meets, and is all getting her down now. She's quite uncharacteristically low.

We can't have them together, and at family events either my mother won't go, or we won't invite my sister.

I don't think my sister will ever seek or accept a diagnosis, I may be wrong, but I can't imagine it. It would be to accept that she has always been wrong. She has fallen out with nearly all her friends, and now lives in a very remote part of the country and I know she's lonely and isolated. She is a very talented and caring person, and has many good qualities. But she firmly believes that there is a family conspiracy against her, and that we are in denial over my mother's 'abuse'. And that she has only goodness in her heart and mostly people are selfish and just let her down. She has lots of animals, because she can understand them.

Can it ever change? Is there anything my siblings and I can do to even improve things? Our family life has been consumed by this, and when I meet with my siblings it ends up being all that we talk about. It's taken us over.

As I say I'm new to all this, I am reading as much as I can, and I'm currently reading posts on this group and the book 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' which are full of Wow moments of recognition.

[Insom]

 

Hi, BlueGreen!  Welcome.

It sounds like there's a lot of care and frustration between you, your sister and your mom.

Have you heard of the Karpman Drama Triangle?  It's a way of looking at family drama that I've found interesting and helpful.  Maybe you will, too.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

[BlueGreen]

Thank you, Insom, so much for responding and bringing this triangle to my attention. It's not something I was aware of before, and even on first reading I can see the roles we play.

I will give careful consideration as to how I can break out of my role and hopefully help us all move on.

Thank you again.

[Insom]

You're welcome, BlueGreen!  We're here if there's more you want to talk about.  (Once you start looking at this stuff it tends to beget a whole bunch of other questions.)