How did your kids fare with/after the divorce?

[defogging]

I'm fairly new to this, here's a quick back story.  Me and my W have been having troubles for about three years now (married for 9, together 10).  We have three kids (D7, D5, and S2).  We've tried couples counseling which was a disaster, not currently seeing anyone together but I am seeing a T to help me navigate this relationship and keep the family stable.

I happened to find some articles about BPD last September when I was doing internet searches about my W's behavior, and it fits like a glove.  But, no diagnosis and I don't dare bring it up to her.  Learning more about it has helped me find strength to reclaim who I am, but this relationship is miserable.  I don't have a lot of hope for things truly getting better.

My daily life is filled with blame for everything, guilt trips, her rage episodes, her constant wallowing in misery, her trying to turn the kids/our families against me and portraying me as evil.  Sometimes it seems that her behavior is getting better, but then it reverts.  We are living separate lives under the same roof.  I try and talk with her about family things, but her current pattern is to avoid meaningful interaction - always too busy, too many things she has to do for the kids, has to do this or that, etc.

I had a revelation the other day when I thought to myself "this is ridiculous, I'm in therapy just to try and stay in a relationship where I'm very unhappy.  How much longer am I going to put up with this?"

I don't know this person anymore and have lost feelings towards her.  So, my concern is the kids.  I love them like crazy and they're my buddies for sure.

I'm not at a decision point yet, but I've given thought to planning an exit.  I've thought about waiting a few years so the kids can think more independently and it will nullify parental alienation.  Them being older would also help them cope with her behavior, if they are living in an unstable house when with her (her parenting is very inconsistent).  My oldest is picking up on her strange behavior but she's too young for me to explain anything to her in real terms.

I am curious to hear about other people's experiences.  How old were your kids when you divorced, and how did they handle it?  And at what age did they start being able to understand what is going on with the BPD parent and see through the FOG? 

I'll stay married as long as I have to in order to provide one stable parent, and even if we divorce I plan to live near them and always be available.

[livednlearned]

Hi defogging,

Welcome and hello

It can be a huge relevation to discover BPD, and a huge cause for concern at the same time. These are not easy relationships.

How well your kids do will depend to some extent on their temperament. My son has some of the genetic sensitivities his dad has. He is doing ok (we left when S16 was 10), and definitely is doing better than if we stayed. But having a BPD parent is a cross to bear, for sure. He has never experienced a loving, consistent father to model for him what that's like. He saw a therapist at age 9, who said that then S9 was at-risk, but that he also had a strong bond with me. I found a way to get him into therapy while still married, a remarkable feat   S16 will likely be in therapy for a long, long time.

A book I found for parenting when one parent has BPD is Don't Alienate the Kids by Bill Eddy, who also happened to write Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a BPD/NPD Spouse. The first book will help you locate the necessary mindset and some of the skills needed to parent kids to develop the necessary emotional resilience when one parent has a PD. The second is required reading if you plan to divorce.

Most important is to learn to validate how your kids feel. We often feel compelled to make excuses for the other parent (e.g. "your mom loves you, she's just having a bad go of it at the moment). Your kids know, just like you know, that something is wrong with mom. Validate that emotional reality for them, otherwise it will mess them up good. More like: "You feel bad when mom yells at you. I do too, and I'm not sure why she yelled. She thought your socks didn't match, and you and I can both see that they do. And even if they didn't, yelling at you was wrong. Come here and let's snuggle, and we'll think of some different ways we can keep safe next time mom gets mad like that."

Something like that.

The other skill is learning to communicate with your wife and set boundaries for when she goes off the handle. The Improving board is great for breaking down scenarios and thinking together how to apply those skills to a spouse.

About your oldest -- 7 is the age when my son's troubles started to really show up. If there is a BPD parent, your D7 is probably beginning to show the limits of her ability to manage strong emotions, modeled by her mom. By 8, these shortcomings can start to cause problems with peers. Any chance you can get D7 into therapy? What are the teachers saying about her behaviors?

Glad you found the site. You're not alone

LnL

[ForeverDad]

As LnL noted, proper vaildation and firm boundaries are essential.  But the fact many have faced is that the other parent can flatly refuse to improve his or her behaviors.  Denial.  Blaming.  Blame Shifting.  Demands.  Ultimatums.  Recurring rants and rages.  Snide insinuations.  The list sometimes seems endless.  We're stuck in a dilemma with no apparent solution.

Yet often we feel guilted, that pondering divorce as a solution is too extreme, that maybe tomorrow reality will be different.  After years of failed tomorrows we have to face the facts, no matter what we do or don't do, there is still discord, disharmony, dysregulation, an emotional unhealthiness.  I had heard of a quote years ago and tracked down the earliest reference I could find.  Ponder the message, it may help you understand that some hard choices can bring a measure of relief and peace.

Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, will give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships.  Staying together would mean that's the only example of home life they would have known — discord, conflict, invalidation, alienation attempts, overall craziness, etc.  Years ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce (1986) had an interesting observation on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.  Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives going forward, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment — your home, wherever that is — away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.  And some of the flying monkeys too.