I have BPD and used to hate this site, now I have a sister with BPD too

[Surviving sister]

I was diagnosed with BPD 2 years ago. Most of my symptoms deal with all or. Nothing thinking eating and drinking impulsivity and internalized turmoil. I have gone through 2 BPD programs, I haven’t missed a therapy session in over a year and I have taken every pill my psych has suggested. I work really hard on staying stable. When I first got my diagnosis, reading bpdfamily forums made me feel like I was some sort of monster and maybe I didn’t know it. Most of my Symptoms are taken out on myself, which I completely realize affects the people I love. But I found my bio sister last May who has BPD and a whole new way of showing it that I’ve never witnessed before. She moved in with a man 2 days after meeting him. He abused her, I got all of her stuff out of his apartment and filed a police report. I took her to the police station to file a restraining order but she walked out and yelled at me for making her go when she was the one who suggested it and asked me to take her. Then she went 4 states away to be with a man who choked her and body slammed her the first day she was there. Her other bf flew her back home to be with him, even though he was just as abusive. He got worse and worse. She got pregnant on purpose to “fix” the relationship and tomorrow she is having an abortion at 18 weeks. She even knows it’s a boy. Her BF beat her up 5 days ago and she was 5 states away at this point. He told her she wouldn’t leave with a living baby and punched her in the stomach. She called me from the hospital asking for a bus ticket. I bought her 2 she missed 2 Uber rides to the bus station. When she finally got there, she didn’t get on the bus because she didn’t want to pay for her extra luggage. So she went back to her bf to borrow his car. She wanted me to make an 11 hour drive in a potentially stolen car to take her to an abortion clinic when there is one that offers the same exact services 2 hours away. She insists this clinic will give her the abortion but she’s measuring at 18 weeks and they don’t do them past 17. She says it doesn’t matter because she knows she’s only 15 weeks because she “felt” herself get pregnant. She flipped on me when I was asking about the clinic and the appointment and told me she was sick of my drama, called me the C word (never in my life, have I ever even heard someone call anyone that, let alone me) and told me she took his car because she was sick of waiting on me to get her down south. I tried over and over and offered to drive up to get her but that wasn’t good enough. She is going to tell this psychotic man that he killed the baby and she miscarried because she doesn’t want him to know about the abortion. He has an 11 year old daughter who has to be told her father killed her baby brother when he didn’t. He did horrible things but a kid can forgive their dad for beating up his GF that one time, but killing her unborn brother? How do you forgive your dad for that? Not to mention this man is a pin drop away from committing suicide. I’ve always been pro choice with abortion. But knowing that my own sister got pregnant on purpose only to learn the gender of the baby, tell everyone, then get a really late  abortion she’s wanted for months and blame it on a miscarriage that the father caused, makes me feel sick about how something like an abortion, which I’ve always seen as a last resort for a woman or girl who got pregnant on accident or left in a lurch, can be used to manipulate so many people. Destroy this man’s life, as flawed and messed up as he is. Mess up his daughter, she told her brother the other day it was a boy and he was so excited about his nephew and the whole time she knew she was getting an abortion. I have spent almost $1,000 trying to help her get out of band situations that she runs right back into and she treats me like I’m the devil and my help isn’t good enough. Even though it’s the only help anyone offered. She goes from being so nice and loving and can make you feel so weirdly special and then you’re just gum on her shoe. People are pawns for her. A baby she created on purpose is a pawn. Pro choice or pro life, is aside the point, if you purposely, willfully, knowingly conceive a child and decide basically the moment you pee on the stick that you’re getting an abortion, you’re a murderer in my eyes. An accident or being raped or being really young and naive is when abortion is meant  To come and play, and doing it as early as possible. She has wanted the abortion for at least 2 months. But the pregnancy was the only thing keeping a roof over her head, she said it to me herself. She affects me at my core and I don’t know why. I’ve dealt with crazy before. I am crazy. But she is totally out of control. I’m afraid that my BPD will start to externalize and I’ll isolate everyone who cares. That’s my deepest fear and I’ve never said it or written it down before. I know I’m capable of seething venom at almost anyone, but I swallow it and poison myself instead. I’m afraid of not caring about other people. I have problems showing people I care and I have to remind myself how to interact normally and ask someone how they’re doing when they ask me. I can get really self involved and self centered, but I think that’s different from being selfish and cruel. When you battle your brain every day, treating people kindly and being considerate is something that I want to do but forget to do. But I don’t treat people unkindly or inconsiderate either. I’m rambling. I don’t really know what I want to say. I do everything I know to do to control my BPD and it’s honestly just really scary being around someone who couldn’t care less about controlling theirs. I feel used and thrown away. I feel like she could still drag me back into her drama at any moment. This sounds messed up, but she has some kind of life force that makes cutting ties with her feel like getting divorced after 30 years or throwing your kid out in the snow without a coat. I’ve seen people on here mention feelings that are similar. I don’t want to lump all BPD people together because I know a dozen people with it who are all wonderful and fight their demons on the inside instead of throwing it out into the world. But does anyone have any ideas about why people with personalities like my sister’s have a gravitational force pulling people in over and over. Even people who usually wouldn’t put up with it. I’m not the kind of person that puts up with these kinds of things long. I have a brother who stole 15 of my klonopin a year ago and I haven’t spoken to him since. Why am I sitting here at 1:30 am kind of hoping she’ll call me. The pain she causes me is way worse than what I felt with my brother, but I can’t forgive him and I don’t even require an apology from her. What is so freaking addictive or special about that kind of toxicity? If I knew it would make people cater to my every whim, I might not have tried to control my mood swings so much. I lashed out at my mom 3 years ago and said things purely to hurt her and it was the worst, dirtiest feeling I’ve ever felt. I still feel nauseous when I think about it. She does that every day to get what she wants. How has she made it 32 years that way without literally poisoning herself with her own cruelty? I did it one time and and swore before all the cruel words had even left my mouth that I would never say anything to anyone purely just to hurt them and I’m proud that I’ve kept that promise. I used to be personally offended by the things people say on these forums, but I realize I don’t identify with most of those things. And I get why people need this forum to get through the trauma of being treated this way. BPD or whatever else, this kind of treatment is truly a horror show. Especially when you technically could escape it at any minute, but you just don’t. This kind of behavior is like some weird drug that never gets you high but still ruins your life, health and bank account.

[SlyQQ]

Firstly , i commend how brave you are it is not an easy thing to face, and i know how difficult it would be for you to read most of these posts,

Your post itself shows a touch of mania if you didn't realize it,

As you are probably aware by now fighting with your sister will only make her dig her heels in, patience , which i realize you would be quite uncomfortable with is what you are faced with, if your sister puts you in the enemy camp at this stage it will make it very difficult for you to achieve anything, you will have to wait till she confides in you and hope to help then , you obviously have a bond with her and a desire to help, you feel  helping her will help you help yourself and it has tweaked your own abandonment issues

heartfelt wishes

[ijustwantpeace]

Surving Sister,

I am sorry for your pain.  I know how hard it is to live with this condition as my mother has BPD.  She didn't mean to be abusive or mean she was just trying to help in here own way.

The sad part for me was I learned many of her bad habits ie. controlling behavior, and offering help that is not asked for.  She does not understand the concept of boundaries at all and she is 68 years old.

While this board helped my understand her illness what helped me most was to get around stable people.

I joined a great church, and a bible study where people treated each other with respect.


I would speak some, but mostly watched to see how "normal people" interacted.  God also blessed me with others who were addicts, bi-polar, and have BPD.

By looking at both groups I learned how to spot functional behavior and copy it.

I am much happier now.  Understanding the problem is only half the battle.

The other part is having a plan of attack to get your life back on track.  Being around strong, solid, stable people is what did it for me.

[Notwendy]

Surviving sister- I think it is commendable that you are working on your BPD and also that you desire to help your sister.

I would like to suggest something. Having BPD involves a struggle with boundaries. People in relationships with people with BPD struggle with them too. Reading this board may look to you as if we are on one side and the pwBPD is on the other side- like there is some kind of division between them, but actually- we share traits in common. Some of them include a poor sense of self- weak boundaries, fears of abandonment and a tendency to help too much. For both of us, our toughest relationships may be with people we are closest to. We may get along better with casual friends than our own family.

We can also come from families with more than one dysfunctional person. Maybe not all with BPD but with tendencies towards co-dependencies, anxiety.

When you read this board as a BPD person, you might have thought we were all just being critical of people like you, but you know what? We have work to do too.

One pattern that is common in relationships is the Drama triangle. ( Karpman). I think it is helpful for you to read it. We may take on one of three roles in relationships. All three are dysfunctional: Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer. Can you see yourself in these roles with your sister?

My mother has BPD. Yes, she has treated me horribly at times. Yet, I have also seen her be overly nice, and "rescuing" other people who have not been nice to her and have taken advantage of her. She goes to both sides- over helping, and also hurting other people.

My mother doesn't admit to having BPD or wanting help for it. I think it is great that you do. That is a very hopeful trait for you. I think you have worked on your BPD part, but maybe not the over helping part?

One thing you may have noticed when reading this board before is that many of us come here with a story about how our relatives with BPD have hurt us. You have too. Your sister seems to be a very disturbed person. But after we come here, we start looking at our own tendencies to over help-enable- and that isn't good for us. It is sad for you to see your sister being such a mess, but you don't have to rescue her or enable her. It may not be something you can do. But what you can do is keep working on yourself- so that you can have better relationships with people who are also emotionally more stable. It's worth it- and glad to see you working on you.