My wife seems to fit the BPD pattern. I'm desperate, hurt, shamed, afraid, tired

[Fenrir]

Last spring my wife told me she was attracted to someone else. We have been in relationship 10 years and married 8. We have a 4 year old girl and a 7 year old boy. I took it in stride, listening, empathic, and we got to the core of what needs weren’t being met. We worked out ways of meeting those needs. Entered into a week of great connection and relational depth. She swung back into the childish I want mode, rejection, etc. For a week or so, then back into I want to make this work, then back, forth, back forth. Meanwhile I plunged into self-inquiry. What parts of myself contributed to not relating deeply? I’ve trained in psychotherapy, have a MS. in Herbal Medicine, just completed 2 years of training in energy healing with a huge amount of psychospiritual process work. I’ve been meditating for 20 years. When it comes to looking at myself I take no prisoners and tend to take more than my share of responsibility. I looked at the behaviors that felt like they were in the way and non-essential to who I truly am and shed them like a tree sheds leaves in the fall and drops dead branches. I have long been afraid of engaging with my emotions and needs (very anxious and inconsistent mother), now I let all my emotions out, wept openly. She swings in between the proud that I’m courageous enough to start feeling, supporting and grateful that I’m more emotionally available to the counter-value of your being childish and needy (the engrained men don’t cry).The relationship got deeper on the one hand while she swung back and forth on the other. She has said mutliple times that I’ve made all the changes she’d been asking for (and that I’d been resistant to). Nothing like suffering to catalyse growth and transformation. Good fortune, the man she was interested in knows me, has integrity, is not interested, and repeatedly told her that no relationship was worth the breaking up of a family. Her childish princess subpersonality rants at this.

Now she’s stuck in the idea that the institution of marriage is bad . She’s reading stuff on-line and applying her enormous negativity bias, cherry-picking “Bad stuff. ” She weeps in my arms while saying marriage is all bad, I sit up with her at night during panic attacks and we massage each others feet and watch Whose Line is it Anyway, till she can sleep. Marriage has no benefits. She freaks out cause of world events and comes to me for a grounded perspective. Marriage has not benefits. She is crying about her father who passes away and I stroke her hair. No benefits? She is sick with a cold, miserably and grumpy, I make her herb tea, give her tinctures, rub her back? No benefits? They go the other way to, when I'm having a tough time, she comforts me, takes over with the kids so I can go for a walk, etc.

Then the possibility of ERD/BPD enters the scene.

This fall a a psychotherapist friend of mine suggested that She was showing many of the traits of Borderline Personality Disorder. She has all the contributing factors: emotional intensity, relational wounds from childhood, relational insecurity,  sensitive and intelligent. After much research I’ve noticed she “checks” almost all the boxes and displays all of the emotional and relational patterns of BPD. All the BPD traits virtually are there and whether it would be diagnosable or not it non-the-less holds together all the patterns I’ve seen in our 10 years together. This gives me hope because I know its treatable with Dialectical Behavioral Therapy and other approaches. However this requires consistency which is exactly what She has such trouble with. Even when something works she refuses to engage with it on a regular basis and without that there is only insight but no change of habitual patterns. This is certainly the case with spiritual practice. When consistently practicing her emotional self-regulation improves, she is less prone to panic or tantrums, less prone to projection (a major defense for her), her actions and words are more loving, she is more connected to me and the kids, she eats better and so forth. When she stops, usually cause she is mad at God because he failed to take care of people in some disaster, then it all goes into the garbage. She’ll only get help occasionally for something acute, crisis management, and never engage consistently. This is true with counselling either on her own or as a couple, energy healing, spiritual guidance etc. Refusing even to read a book or engage in a webinar about interpersonal neuroscience, anything that might help grow emotional intelligence or interpersonal skills.  And so we are stuck in a pendulum swing between super connected and things appearing to grow (sufi retreat and the week following) and then over to disconnection and unwillingness to engage in anything that is healing for herself or the relationship or could create any change in her own habitual patterns. This leaves me stuck having to take all responsibility for holding groundedness (at least that’s my story). Over Christmas break at the end of a day where I was feeling sick and emotionally discombobulated and the kids had been out of sorts as well She mentioned how tired she was at having to keep grounding and thinking of her feet all day. I laughed as this is what I’m doing everyday and have for our whole relationship. Obviously I’ve taken on too much of the role of spiritual and emotional discipline. Her BPD relationship with God (and only engaging in practices, even non-God based ones when she feels like it) seems to me the major barrier I her and our flourishing and keeps us trapped in these vicious circular patterns. I guess the question is what can I actually do to make things better for myself, her and us, if I’m the only one willing to engage in a consistent process?  

I’m trying to figure out how well this fits. What do you think?

One day she describes me as Saint Francis, the next she’s saying that the power dynamic is unequal because I have more money and treating me like her father (in his harsh times) or her alcholic grandfather.

One day I’m the best parent, the next she needs to protect the kids from me because of me not wanting them to use paracetomol and instead use herbs (which have worked everytime).

She files away good events and then in anger will twist them into something negative. Or completely deny that they ever happened. Mr Hyde is watching even when everything is going well.

She files away “bad” events and brings them up, even a decade later. With their emotions. She can still get visible angry telling a story about her sister when she was 4. She dredges up something I did in our first year when she broke up with me as proof that I’m not safe? Crazy? Do weird things when hurt? (She left some chocolate on my stuff that I had to take out of  her apartment when I moved out with a note saying she hoped that would make me feel better. I was insulted and hurt and left a note saying I didn’t want her chocolate.). Before you accuse me take a look at yourself... .

We resolve things but they get dredged up years later as if we never resolved them or made a plan for dealing with a situation or so forth. Nothing is ever let go of or forgiven.

She can’t stick to anything beneficial usually for more than a week or two. As soon as we get more connected or deep she soon swings the other way.

She has tantrums that look like that of my 7 year old son. Door slamming, occasionally kicking things. Except he never says anything mean about the other person.

When I’m upset or feeling out of sorts I can only take space for a certain amount of time. It’s like she has a timer that goes off and then she needs to draw the emotional centre of attention back onto herself by having a freak out. I would say I’m feeling grumpy and need some space. I’d go for a walk and meditate. At first it was minutes, then a half hour, then an few hours, now she can hold it for a few days if I’m having a tough time (clear signs of progress I’ll admit). The emotional weather of the house has to be set by her.

She constantly ”what ifs” her past, casts doubts on it and our decisions in a way that disempowers her role or arrogantly trumps the agency of my own decision.

... .“if only” I have __new fixation___ I’ll be happy. Of course these things are always external to her either in her environment or in me... .when they happen a new “if only” is born... .

SHe almost never apologies for bad behavior and if she does its followed by BUT ... .blaming either me or the situation, and never owning her own lack of maturity when it comes to emotional self-regulation.

She refuses to work on anything from her own past. As if all the patterns we are stuck in originated in our relationship, were caused by me or our situation. She brought a clean slate.

Projection: I’m responsible for her father and grandfathers sins, for the uprooting of her menonite ancestors from germany to russia to canada to the us. I’m responsible for acts of terrorism, and god not being present for those who suffer. I’m sometimes made responsible for the holocaust. She is overwhelmed by the mess in the kitchen which is my all my fault. Its the bottles of tinctures on the counter. (there are currently 5 and two are hers). It’s my mess. Inventory of kitchen counter: her ipad, phone, computer, two cords, one charger, 3 notes to self from previos days, 3 bobbins of thread, a pattern for pajamas, a book, my “dirty” mug (with tea stains) her mug (invisible to her but its been there for 2 days and the residual chocolate from her hot chocolate has solidified on the bottom).

She is simultaneously socially anxious and attention seeking. She loves being the centre of attention if performing. Needs constant external validation on what a great... .cook, writer, musician she is. Yet is constantly afraid that people will find out who she “really is.” She’s a bad person. No, she’s perfect.

Argument = I’m upset. Took me awhile to understand that all interactions with her feeling upset  = an argument. My old getting defensive and trying to calm things down was argument. Staying rational. Argument. Asking a question for clarification = disagreement. Now i don’t get defensive much. This helps. Her idea of a fight seems to be the equivalent of kicking someone when they are curled up on a ball on the ground protecting their vital organs.

Compulsive spending on amazon.

Inside or outside the circle. If I’m inside her circle when she is in fear we can stay connected. The world is scary, we can sit together, do massages, connect. If she puts me outside the circle I’m in the scary world, and become the enemy. She attacks.

She is highly creative, a talented musician and writer. Very spiritually sensitive (but refuses to practice). Yes she has no discipline... she only practices (prayer.meditation) if she feels like it. Which is never the way to change a pattern. When at her best she has a huge capacity for empathy, compassion and healing others. Yet she is afraid of doing the work she needs to to embody this part of herself. She is therefore resisting the expression of her deepest nature.

She has massive anger that she usually thinks is about me, though she’s admitted that without anger she wouldn’t know who she was, anger defines her. She’ll admit to a history of conflicted relationships. Plus supposedly resolved issues or things that I’ve apologised for and made amends around can always be resurrected. Neither of my previous relationships were high conflict. I’m conflict avoidant to the extreme. Yet stubborn if my values are challenged. I’m an idealist (she wanted a knight in shinign armor with high ideals) yet this can be hard to live with (she struggles with my ideals.) She experiences my environment ideals as rules when I see them as guidelines. Black and White. I thought this came from her growing up in the military. Now I think there’s something else... .

She has a history of anxiety, depression, eating disorder, and OCD as well as PTSD. She also has severe PMS. I thought that explained the monthly threats of separation. She is a Highly Sensitive Person. If she actually followed the advice in all the books she had for these things we’d be in a different state. Or if she took the advice of the therapists and healers that she respects. But advice that works is something to be resistant to, especially if you do it and it works. For years I thought that these were it, yet addressing them never really seemed to do the thing. The BPD pattern seems to tie it all together.

With her friends she vilifies me one day and glorifies me the next. A friend in town she spoke to of her attraction and desire to separate, but then things swing the other way. I went to visit family with the kids this summer. While I was gone she visited she shrine of Julien of Norwich and had a spiritual insight that she had to make things works (since forgotten).  I return with more muscle from working out with my brother (a rock climber) and swimming and wind-surfing and tanned. She bragged to her friend that I looked like an action figure.  

Periodic threats of separation.

She is split between a whore and a nun when it comes to sex. She thinks sex is spiritual but we’ve never been able to tap into that as she is also dissociated from her body. She swings back and forth with sex. Part of this was in my hands because my long hair was a trigger for trauma that she refused to deal with in therapy but I was ultra-resistant to cutting my hair. I figured that trauma was like a hydra and would just grow new heads (triggers) if we cut off the old one. And I had my own stuff to work through. Finally we cut off my hair in a ritual.  This triggered some great sex for a few days, then swing back to cold-shoulder. She seems to understand sex only in terms of intensity and attraction. I see sex as expression of love, both in the giving and receiving, through touch. Lust and intensity is great, but she has little patience for tenderness. Her mind starts going and anxiety creeps in.

To add to this she is withholding connection and physical affection and has been for nearly a month. Which in the current pattern of it appears to be an intentional but unconscious punishment of me for both our own history around sex and her own history in past relationships of “having sex when she didn’t feel like it.” I can understand the need for healing on this but there is also 1 - no effort to work with it and find healing and 2 - no attempt to find alternative ways to meet my own emotional/sexual needs. As far as I can tell from research this potentially, to my surprise, makes it a form of abuse. She says she feels guilty but has a pattern of using guilt to punish herself, punish me (blame/shame), and then take no action. She has expressed regret over all the people she hurt in her twenties when she was sexually promiscuous yet is unaware of how her current attraction to someone and swinging in and out of rejection of me is also an hurtful expression of sexual energy and power.In any case my reaction to rejection and feeling punished is very deep and very painful with complex emotional consequences. I’m frankly surprised at how much this hurts. Its triggering deep old shame and insecurity.  I did some intense work in nature that really got me down to the core wound around this and that has helped some. I discovered how much I was punishing myself for having emotional needs that might negatively effect others. Suppressing my emotions/needs in order to protect others even more so than to prevent rejection. I’m always willing to investigate and address any aspect of myself (mental, emotional, and spiritual) that contribute to any given situation and I do so with a great deal of integrity and even tend to take on too much self-responsibility. In this case I feel that I’ve done as much as I possibly can to address all aspects of this and that part of it is her actions that are harming me and not just my old wounds being-reactivated.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

I'm sorry for what brought you here but I'm glad you're with us.  We help and support each other here. From what you have said I think you belong here;  you will fit in; your situation is like a lot of the other members.

A lot of members around here have described their relationships as roller coaster rides as they follow their SO's emotions. By learning all that you can about BPD, why our SOs act as they do, and our roles in they dynamics; we can stop the emotional roller coaster ride.

What would you like to get from visiting us?

There is a lot of information here - articles, workshops, etc. - and we'll help you find what you need.

I know your life is difficult now, but knowledge will help you make the right decisions. I would suggest that you continue to read the posts, read the articles contained on this web site, and some of the recommended books.

[Fenrir]

Thank you. My hope is that hearing about others will help me feel a bit less lost and confused, and feedback from others on my experience will be helpful. I think I'm thinking/seeing clearly what is going on and that the BPD patterns are really there but of course its a big "conclusion" to come to. And I really do seem to need support so thanks!

I've read When Hope is not Enough and have started applying those tools. I need to pace myself, and not let my current pain drive me into obsessive research. Reading and learning but also I think acceptance is a good place to start and keep on putting energy into the other aspects of my life which I've been neglecting in my focus on her and the relationship. The insecurity and fear of loss is not a sustainable place to move from!

Fenrir

[Meili]

Yes, focusing on yourself and other aspects of your life that are important to you is a great place to start! Many of us have lost ourselves in these relationships and struggle to see the importance of those things. Good for you for recognizing it early on.

Please, keep us updated on what is going on with you.

[pearlsw]

Hi Fenrir,

Thanks for this post - it had a lot of interesting insights. I'm a little sleep deprived at the moment so forgive me that I can't touch on it all!

It sounds like you do quite a lot, have a lot going on actually. May I ask what you feel like you've lost in the process? Are there things you are not doing/neglecting that you want to recover, get back into your life?

I relate a lot to the idealization/devaluation you are experiencing! Ouch!

Is your research leading you to believe you have the strength for working on this relationship?

wishing you happiness, pearl.

[Fenrir]

Well I'm still attempting to do my normal activities (working on a PhD, volunteering for a mountain rescue team in NW Scotland, doing my psychotherapy placement,  and keeping my herbal practice going). And two kids! But nearly all my emotional energy goes towards the relationship and trying to keep my head above water with all the emotional stuff it brings up. So I have no concentration or energy for the PhD. When the relational pain is intense all my attention goes to it. So its less about what I'm neglecting and more about simply not having access to calm, joy, laughter... .

Right now its particularly tough because she's locked into this rejection thing, while wearing a sort of friendly mask and appearing relatively stable. But no authentic connection. The past pattern would have this last for a few days but its been 5 weeks. So all my insecurity, abandonment fears, and reaction to lack of affection and connection is triggered up.

So on the one hand I feel completely exhausted and on the other I see from reading that there are some things I can do that are new and may result in some shifts. Though it's hard when I feel my work is not being reciprocated by her at all. I've got good support from a friend and my sister and that keeps me going. Yet I feel deeply frustrated.

Fenrir.

[pearlsw]

Hi Fenrir,

Well, I relate to you even more! Twice since moving here I've tried to set up a way to finish my doctorate, but with all the stress of being in this relationship I just couldn't see how... .so far. I've nearly given up that dream unfortunately. Proud and amazed if you can keep going forward and not be derailed by these issues! Happy to encourage you any time with this as I am sure many others here are too!

So she is feeling rejected/abandoned by you? In term of no "authentic connection" what do you mean exactly? Can you describe that a bit more please?

Okay, and you are feeling insecure, abandoned, are lacking in affection and not feeling connected? You feel you are putting work into things and she is not? It seems like connection is what ties this all together... .When you brainstorm on it a bit can you think of ways to get more connected? When you speak with her do you do enough validating?

I ask because I never noticed how invalidating I could be with my "h"? Do you think that by validating her feelings, using that tool, you might be able to create a closer a connection - if she felt some sense of you relating to her feelings? Is that something that sounds possible or am I missing the mark here?

wishing you peace and connection! 

[Fenrir]

Thanks for the encouragement! Hopefully you can find the energy and space to re-engage with your own dream. I'm currently considering a 6 month suspension which will allow me to get some breathing room while I reorient and I can still work on my progress review (I'm finishing my 2nd year, part-time) at my own pace when my emotions allow it.

Well, actually I'm the one feeling rejected. She's putting on a front of taking care of the kids and me but is not connecting with me at any depth not just physically but emotionally or even simply having fun. I'm not sure what's going on underneath that all. She's a bit of a robot right now. Whether my pain at her rejecting me creates a sense of security for her in some twisted way? Or whether she is intentionally and unconsciously punishing me for something (which is what it feels like) that I may not even have done, or did a longtime ago?

So I'm so triggered and hurt  by her rejecting me in all these dimensions that I'm having difficulty interacting at all, which probably doesn't help.

I'm learning to bring the validation tool into more and more of our interactions and I do think it helps but she's in such a strange configuration right now (staying closed for such a long period of time has never happened) that I'm at a loss. Nothing I say goes past skin deep as far as I can see.

thanks for support!

Fenrir

[pearlsw]

Thanks for the encouragement!

Well, actually I'm the one feeling rejected. She's putting on a front of taking care of the kids and me but is not connecting with me at any depth not just physically but emotionally or even simply having fun. I'm not sure what's going on underneath that all. She's a bit of a robot right now. Whether my pain at her rejecting me creates a sense of security for her in some twisted way? Or whether she is intentionally and unconsciously punishing me for something (which is what it feels like) that I may not even have done, or did a longtime ago?

So I'm so triggered and hurt  by her rejecting me in all these dimensions that I'm having difficulty interacting at all, which probably doesn't help.

I'm learning to bring the validation tool into more and more of our interactions and I do think it helps but she's in such a strange configuration right now (staying closed for such a long period of time has never happened) that I'm at a loss. Nothing I say goes past skin deep as far as I can see.

Encouragement? Sure, anytime!

Punishment? Hmmm. If you had to pin it on something that she's punishing you for what might it be?

How old are the kids? Is that draining some of her partner/romantic energy? Is she feeling more like a mommy and not able to balance the other side of things to keep that part active and alive? Would any old-fashioned quality time in that area bring that part to life, if there was no pressure for "results" involved? Is depression an issue?

I had a friend who ended up in a sexless marriage and never figured out why... .it went on like that for years and years and no answer. Do you feel comfortable enough to ask or would that trigger a battle to get her to reveal her emotions and give me insight into what is going on with her?

take care, pearl.